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cursive

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About cursive

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  1. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve gamed. I’ve been pretty busy so I haven’t had a chance — even if I could. However, I am starting to miss it more. I’ve noticed how nice it is to not play video games, but some nastolgic events that happened in video games make me miss them. Life still feels a little mundane without them. It’s almost felt like a vacation. When you’re on the vacation it’s fun, but there’s a time when you’re ready to go back home. If home were video games, that’s how I feel.
  2. Spent time learning some new CS information. Later on I invited a friend over to play a tabletop game — which is rare for me but it was nice to have some social interaction. I felt good about today.
  3. Well, I'm having some withdrawals. Fortunately, I can't play since everything is now passworded. I feel pretty stressed. I meditate quite frequently and have noticed that my mood, overall, has been more tense lately. I have been more productive with school, but less happy overall. I know this is probably just a phase. It still sucks.
  4. Okay, well... I didn't immediately have my wife put passwords on, so I played league a few times. Yesterday, however, I had her change my email and passwords to my gaming accounts and put a password on my consoles. I'm missing games today (already), especially after seeing some sales on my news feed. Courses are starting to pick up at Uni so I think I'll be able to occupy my mind until December, at least. Today I plan on applying for some more jobs once I finish my homework/study goals for the day. I think that you're probably right about the failure aspect. I am really self-conscious and have a lot of social anxiety (I take medication for depression and anxiety -- but social anxiety is another beast). In the past I've always had trouble talking to people. Mostly because I feel like I didn't have anything in common with them. I tend to obsess about different things, not just gaming. Whether its programming, science, math, etc. it always seems to be these really niche topics that most people aren't interested in casual conversation. By obsess... I mean when I wasn't gaming in the past, I would spend hundreds of dollars on books, and spend time just learning as much as a could and challenging myself with various questions/problems and such. People have always tried to reach out and talk with me, but I've always been afraid of saying something stupid. However, I also really dislike small talk. No one seems to enjoy it, but they do it anyways. IDK. Maybe as time goes on this will resolve itself.
  5. Hey all, I am back after 2 years. Shortly after coming here, I went back into gaming and got sucked back in. I shirked duties that I ought to be doing with my time off -- which is why I've decided it's time to attempt this again. I need to reprioritize my life and hope this time I am successful. I need to restructure my priorities so that I can be successful IRL. I seem to value in game achievements so much more, and it's so easy for me to focus on those things being an introvert. They allow me to escape social interactions outside of the game. There's something about being masked behind an avatar or screenname that's so much more soothing to me. My graduation is coming up. I've been successful at maintaining a 4.0 in a Comp. Sci. program, but not so successful in tracking down jobs and internships. I hope making this change will make me more proactive in that area of my life. I would really like an accountability partner if anyone would be interested. I'm afraid I don't have the willpower to do this on my own. Just thinking about quitting makes me miss it. ? I'd also just like to get out more. I see social feeds on instagram, like Cam's, where people are visiting all these cool places. While here I am just living in a virtual world with some great memories... but I doubt as great as I'd have from being outside. I think the hardest part is my competitive nature. I didn't think I was very competitive until I realize how much I liked to bicker with people, and how much I'm always trying to get ahead in gaming. I just really like competition. So I need to figure out how to achieve that in the real world. Maybe I can focus on becoming a better programmer and join codeathons or something.
  6. Well, week two is nearing an end. I wasn't very successful in logging this week since finals are rounding the corner. I still haven't given into any temptation to play, though the temptations are increasing. I usually have these thoughts like, "Why don't you just play, it's more relaxing than drawing, it holds your attention longer, etc." My mind has started to try to find a reason to justify playing, and at times it does seem reasonable. I don't really have anything to combat this yet other than just deliberately choosing not to playing. This could just be because of finals increasing my stress levels right now, and the amount of time I've spent studying drawing, or doing something doesn't seem to be 'relaxing' or distracting enough for me. Meditation dropped down quite a bit this week. I maybe meditate 3-4 times ~ 10 minutes. I also missed my running days because I chose studying over running. I still went to the gym a couple days, however. Overall I didn't feel very productive this week, but this seems to be the case when I feel overwhelmed. I never seem to get what I want done, whether it's due from stress shutting me down, or not setting realistic time frames ,it just seems to be the case. Anyways, maybe in the coming weeks I'll have more progress. But I think I'm starting to realize that quitting video games hasn't necessarily made me more productive. It's just allowed me to fill it with other items of things to do. So maybe it's time to look deeper into this.
  7. Alright, so the end of today will mark Week 1 being completed of my 90 day detox. Overall, I feel pretty good. There have been moment where I've wanted to play some video games, but not overwhelmingly, which surprised me. I have felt more stressed this week compared to usual, though. I'm not really sure why. I meditated at least 10 minutes every day, I started couch to 5k, and continued weight lifting at the gym. I've also continued drawing when I have time, but school took up a considerable amount of time this week, except for today. I drew my first manga face the other day which came out fairly well, I'd say, considering I don't find myself overly artistic in any sense of the word. I also starting an additional coding course online. Tonight we plan on going out to a baseball game, even though I'm not a fan of sports, sometimes its nice to just sit in that environment, I find -- so I'm kind of excited. While I've definitely made positive improvements to my life, I still miss playing video games. But, I will say that I feel happier that I am not constantly thinking about getting home and playing. My mind was always focused on school or video games. I've found that taking a break has let me sit back and think about other things and not be in this mental cloud all the time of just wanting to be home so I can play games. As far as my homework goes, I find that I am still rushing it, but I think this is because I feel behind, even though I'm not. I just want to get through it so that I have more free time this weekend. I hope this is something I can cool down on, and allow myself more time to do my work so I can thoroughly understand it, rather than just rushing through it to get it done. I think this may largely be due to the way I schedule myself this semester. I spend about 15 hours away from home for school on Tuesdays/Thursdays, which means typically the rest of the days are spent doing homework, but I feel burned out on these days which is why I just want to get it over with so I can relax, or draw, or do whatever. I think once this semester ends I'll be able to get back to normal and stop feeling so rushed. I should've put more thought into my scheduling this semester, but I thought only going to school twice a week would be awesome. It's not. Anyways, that's all that's going on right now. I'll probably do some more postings this weekend.
  8. Day 2: Today was a fairly relaxed day. I finished as much as a planned to in terms of studying. I wish I had gotten a little further, but I need further instruction due to lack of clarity in my physics book, so I'll be seeking that out on Tuesday. We met up with my girlfriends parents for lunch. I did feel a little rushed to get home from it, but I'm not really sure why. I think it might be because I feel behind in my physics work and so I feel a little overwhelmed and stressed. I also read a little in "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain." I drew my first 'real' drawing in 20 years of myself. It turned out about 3x better than I expected, haha. Maybe I'll post them in a bit so I have my progress posted here as well. As far as temptations go, I haven't had any immense urge to play, but sometimes I have passing thoughts of video games that make me want to play. But not to the point where I feel like I want to reinstall them. It's more of a sense of something's missing that I usually do. But, I feel a little less down than I normally do. I'm not sure if this is because of the lack of video game playing in the past 48 hours, but I definitely feel less down (ironically more stressed, though). Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, and I plan on adding a jog in the afternoon to replace some gaming that I'd normally do. I hope to do a couple more drawings as well. Apart from that the majority of my day will be spent working on physics in preparation for an exam next week. I'd also like to get some meditation in to relieve some of this stress. Thanks everyone for the positive words. I am not looking forward to feeling guilty.
  9. Well, it has nearly been a day since gaming. Today it wasn't very hard to resist the urges to play, I'm sure that will change in the future. When I first woke up, I was tempted the most primarily because I had dreams of playing League last night, and so I woke up wanting to play (and was excited to, until I remembered I made an oath to commit to this detox). Today my girlfriend and I went to the mall. I found that the time seemed more enjoyable than usual because I was able to focus more on the present moment, rather than feeling rushed to get back home to play League. I told her about my plan today and we decided were going to start drawing together. I've never drawn before in a serious light. My capabilities literally peaked around 7 years old, but I'm interested in trying. I'd like to learn to draw Manga. This is all to, hopefully, increase my detailed orientedness which is lacking in certain areas. I think it's because I try to rush things rather than complete them thoroughly. So hopefully this helps with that. I made this a tri-weekly journal because I doubt I'll be here every day, but it'll likely consist of more postings than just three a week. Anyways...
  10. Hey SirTot, I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I am new here and just started the 90 day detox last night (12 hours ago to be exact -- when I uninstalled everything). I'm glad you made it through your first day. Keep up with your practice, you'll get better. Age is just a number. I find that when I compare myself to others I feel down, as well. I am 27, no degree, primarily because of video games not making want to progress in life. However, I know that eventually I will be where I want to be. Maybe I'll be 8-10 years older, but it doesn't matter. So long as we get there.
  11. Hey everyone, My name is Michael. I am 27 years old, and have been gaming since I was 4. My uncle introduced me to some DOS based games, which then developed into Doom, Duke Nuke Em', and the one that got me hooked when I was 5: Quake. As time progressed, I became more and more dependent on video games. My social life by junior high became lacking because I moved to Colorado away from my friends due to my mom's job. I then resorted the Phantasy Star Online for Dreamcast. This is probably around the time my addiction really began, coincidentally it was also the time my online 'social' life really took off. I identified more with my online friends than real friends, I had online girlfriends (though I wouldn't mention it at the time). I spent so much time playing that my mom started taking away my DC and hiding it because I started doing poorly in school. But, I would always find it and play when she wasn't around. This continued through high school. But, now I was into PC gaming. I started with Medal of Honor, progressed to my first MMO: Star Wars Galaxies online. I would play often 16-20 hours a day. My grandparents (who I moved in with) placed various protections on the router to block me from playing SWG, but I would listen to my Grandpa's keystrokes on the keyboard and learned the password just based on the sounds of his typing. Enter World of Warcraft. I (barely) graduated high school. In fact, I only graduated because we sat down with the Dean and discussed my academic performance. I nearly failed Chemistry (D-). At this time I had a job at Jamba Juice, but got 'kind of' got fired. Though I was under 18, so it didn't really count toward anything negative beyond a lack of money, which I needed to pay for my games. I withdrew money from my savings to fund these games, and even spent thousands of dollars on them for gold, etc. I ended up quitting WoW for Counter-Strike: Source. One of my friends from a competitive team I played with on Medal of Honor told me I should get it. I played this game several hours a day. Probably close to 20. I would develop strategies, and practice my aiming in various 'aim' servers. I jumped around various teams, and got a ton of experience. I then became a designated strategy caller for our Southern California team. We moved up through the ranks on Caleague and CPL. We won several LAN tournaments, had sponsorship's, and nearly went full on Professional, but due to various complications, our team fell apart. I During this time I broke up with multiple girlfriends because they were distracting me from my games. Essentially I was a complete asshole growing up. I then began playing League of Legends, until I turned 23. I didn't really have a reason to stop playing, I was just kind of bored with gaming in general. I stopped relatively successfully for 2 years when I met my current girlfriend of 4 years. I then picked up casually gaming on League when I returned to school because I met a friend there who played, and he invited me over one day to play. I didn't know that this would suck me back in. I don't play nearly as much as I used to, but I find myself cramming my studies so I can create more time to play League. I find that it has demotivated me to do things that I'd like to do, and that I feel like I can never play enough. On the weekends I will play quite a bit. Between Friday-Sunday, I probably play collectively 24 hours. While this is drastically cut down, it's still the equivalent of a work day per day when averaged out. I'm not entirely sure I want to quit, so Cam suggested I take 90 days off and reassess from there. I'm hoping after 90 days that I will feel like I'm ready to make the leap and quit permanently. After typing all this it really puts into light how much gaming has shaped and hurt those in my life. It may seem like it's harmless, but after typing this in a stream of consciousness manner I can see it's really harmful. It's ruined my education, relationships (though I'm thankful for the one I'm currently in), and youth with my family. It isolated me from having real friends, and real relationships (granted I did form some online with the teams I was in, and I still am friends with some of those people today so I don't regret that part that much). I really want to quit so I can pick up more hobbies. Maybe play the guitar, drawing, photography, and really work on Programming, as my intended future major is Computer Science, and thus software engineering. I just want to make myself the best person I can be and I feel like games hold me back from that potential. I tend to be too negative on myself as well, which tends to lead me back to games to occupy my mind. So, maybe during this process I can reprove myself gently and support myself, rather than talk down on myself. I hope this all works out. I'm sorry if this is relatively confusing to read because it's all stream of consciousness as aforementioned.
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