BooksandTrees

What did you think of 'The Slight Edge'?

I've been exploring these emotions of mine just so I can learn from them. I get less depressed when I just relax, stop worrying about these philosophical questions of friend and romantic relationships, and just enjoy the moment and tell my stories. The issue is I'm too smart to trick myself into doing that. I know at the end of the good time I'm going to be lonely. I don't want to keep playing ignorant to the loneliness. Work was interesting today. We had a Halloween party and I got lots of attention from some of the really beautiful women at work again. Just the flirting, storytelling, etc. I'm always surrounded by tons of women trying to get my attention. Then nothing. None of them want to hang out with me after work. They say they want to do something and then never do it. I learned this last year. So because I've learned what the routine is, I get kind of upset about the whole thing. How fake it is. I appreciate getting the friendly flirts and conversation. It makes me feel nice and special. At the end of the day I'm just bothered by it because I wish I had a beautiful woman next to me right here. These women at work make me tell stories and they all just sit there laughing and talking to me. They love what I have to say. I just wish I had this at home. I wish I had my companion to go travel with and tell jokes, have adventures, listen to her, share our lives together, have sex, etc. That's the only reason I get upset about the whole thing. I'm jealous of the attention I'm getting because I'm appreciating it so much, but jealous that I can't have it when I really want it. I want to have plans with a woman at night and on the weekends. I want to coordinate fun trips, activities, drawing, watching hockey, cooking together, exercising, eating shit, yelling at squirrels, you name it together. I don't want to suffocate each other either. I just wish I had that excitement of having that special someone and seeing that she's excited that I'm her special someone. I feel special at work and then at home I'm alone. I know I highlighted feeling alone a few times this week. I wanted to show my progress with thinking about it. That I'm not mad at these women or think they're fake. They're just enjoying my company and the Halloween party. It makes me feel confident that I can carry the conversation with over a dozen women at work and make them smile and laugh. I'm just disappointed in myself for not making a better effort outside of work to find a woman to keep doing this with. I'm trying more now, but it's not enough. I want to take better photos of myself, and continue to do what I mentioned in the previous posts regarding going out and doing my hobbies. I also want to be the one who coordinates hangouts with friends because I know my friends won't do it.

Thanks. I'm know I can handle these emotions so that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Sorry you feel the same way. I was going to sulk about it, but why should I feel bad about feeling bad? We're used to instant gratification from our online friends and it's harder to make real friends. I think we're trying hard and should be proud of it. I'm going to welcome the feeling of loneliness so I appreciate togetherness later on. I'm just glad I've found some communities and at least have the once a month or twice a month stuff right now. I hope you continue to do well. I saw you joined the yoga classes. That was the first community I joined. I'm friends with my instructors now and some classmates.

I think you fixed it lol. Much better!

I'm pretty lonely tonight. I went rock climbing with my friends and hung out with like 15 people for over 3 hours. Yet I'm finding myself more lonely. I think it's because I want to hang out with them outside of rock climbing. I want to have friends to text back and forth with. I want to hang out and chat. I want to have people over, have people want to come over, have people invite me over. Most of my friends want to do more formal things. We book a reservation for a restaurant once a month or so and then eat, catch up, and go home. It's nice seeing them - I get that. I just want more. My dad tells me to get a girlfriend because that will solve everything, but I don't want to date a woman so she can solve my problems. I've already discussed that it's unfair to just put all of my problems on a woman and hoping they get solved. I'm also annoyed that my work friends want to hang out a ton this week and I had other commitments. I never get to see them and I have doctor appointments, father's birthday party, and other commitments that get in the way. It just makes me feel more isolated. My solution is going to be simple. I'm not going to overreact and spiral into a depression. I know I have friends. I just want more out of the relationships. My goal is to just invite people over for a football or hockey game or a movie night. Even a board game night. I'll also just send some casual texts and see if a conversation develops and see if I can plan some get-togethers with people. I'm also going to go climbing more than once per week to try and build more friendships with these climbers. I really enjoy their company and if I climb with them more then I can get lunch/dinner with them and then exchange numbers and move on from there. I'm also going to go back to the gym. I want to get stronger for climbing and I want to meet more athletic women as well. I want to feel better about my body also. I'm not bad at this. I just haven't done it in a while. Friendship takes effort and a lot of people don't make the effort. But if you keep making efforts eventually people will make efforts as well and you'll actually find friends. My friends just don't make efforts a lot of the time and are satisfied just hanging out once or twice. I want text buddies, phone calls, weekly hangouts, that kind of stuff.

I hate to be annoying, but the black background and grey text is difficult to read with the white lines between them.

I think you're in a tight spot. She has been a very influential person in your life. I remember when you were single you were so lonely and binging porn. She's been someone who has given you confidence and compassion as well as companionship. I think that's important for you. I think you'd have to weigh things out with her and really consider your life before her before ending things. I think just a long talk explaining your feelings about buying something would be important. She sounds insecure, spoiled, and stressed out and less worried about putting other people first, so maybe a little selfish, especially in arguments. It sounded like she wanted either your pity or for you to yell at her so she could try to make you feel like the bad person in the fight so she feels better about her own flaws. I would never change your strategy where you just listened to her. That's the correct thing to do. I've had girlfriends, friends, my mom, people online, who instigate fights and then try to make you look like the worst person so they feel better and it just shows how pathetic they are. I'm not saying she's pathetic. I think she's been great for you and I think you're better off with her right now. I just think if she has another argument like this again then don't change. She admires your strength to change and that's why she's angry about it. Good luck with the gigs and congrats on 90 days without porn. I'm 2 lol

Kind of annoyed tonight. I tried getting into a bunch of hobbies but didn't really want to commit to them. I cooked an awesome dinner and felt good about it. Watched some TV and relaxed. I'm tired and should go to bed. I think I'm just used to staying up later. I'm trying to re-correct my sleep schedule so this is natural. Kind of like a baby crying before bed. They want to stay up later and are just tired. I tried reading a book and just got so angry. I really hate the main character of it. I decided to stop reading it. I read about 10 pages of it at a time and then ignore it for months at a time. It's not worth forcing myself to read this crap. I tried to draw and was too tired to think critically. I also tried to edit my website and take a class I bought for 3d modeling, or art, or something like that. I just wasn't in the mood. I kind of just want to zone out and relax. Part of life is just listening to your body and mind. I had a very productive day at work and with dinner so I shouldn't be upset. I think this is a sign of growth for me. I would normally get very angry at myself out of frustration. But I'd rather fix my sleep schedule and calm down instead of trying to create something. I'm excited about the projects I'm working on and about to work on at work. It's pretty nice having this motivation at work again. I've felt so invigorated over the past few months. I'm gonna try quitting porn again. It has really made me sad watching it. I saw a video the other night and was just like "dude, what the fuck am I watching? This is so pathetic. Jesus Christ..." Closed the video and just stared at the floor. Like, I know I'm lonely, but some of the shit online is so depressing to watch. It wasn't even a fetish video or something disturbing. It was just some girl dancing slowly, trying to entice to viewer. She had this stupid outfit on and the music was trying to be fantastical, but it was just slow and had a way of making me feel so alone and empty inside. I was beginning to beat myself up for watching it, but that's not the right way to quit an addiction. Just gotta be mindful of how it makes you feel. I was tired of hurting my feelings with video games and I am tired of hurting myself with porn.

I hear you. Porn is so intoxicating. It's ridiculous. Something that kind of helped me has been understanding how I feel afterwards. It's hollow. I also watched a few documentaries called "Life After Porn". Warning because there is sensitive content and nudity in there. The reason I appreciated it was a lot of the porn stars said they wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, etc. after being in there. I don't necessarily believe that for myself, but I do think it has impact on me because I used to think you had to please a woman the way they do in porn and most of the porn stars actually dislike the way they're treated in porn. That it is fake and not actual love making. I have learned that now, but when I first watched it in 2012 it really made a lasting impression on me. Myers-briggs is interesting. I'm an ENTJ-T for turbulent commander. I thought the write-up from 16 personalities was very accurate when describing me, but I won't let it mold my life either. I want to trust my heart as well. It's an interesting science for sure.

Congrats on hitting 30 days! I'm so happy you're feeling hope. Community is very important. This community kickstarted my progress and I found other communities in real life afterwards that have made my life more well rounded. I hope you find some as well! Just be patient because some stick and some don't. Just takes a bit of experimentation.

Thank you for the kind post! I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I really hope I'm able to help and feel glad when I do! I just figured it would be helpful to give some tips to people if they were curious and maybe it might help just one person.

Welcome back to the forums! I'm looking forward to reading your journey and seeing what strategies and lifestyle methods you'll be developing to conquer this addiction.

Lol that's really funny. It works though! I can't wait to read the book when you write it.

It's gonna be ok. You've been doing such a good job on your journey. Sometimes we hit these low points and life feels mundane or even a burden. You've transformed your life so much from previous habits. It's because you love yourself that you're making all of these changes in the first place. What seems to be going wrong at work and everything else? You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but we are here and support you. Take a walk, get some fresh air, and think about ways in the future that could possibly be better stress relievers. Maybe a boxing class or something to unload some anger?

Good luck on your journey. I find porn to be so much more difficult to quit than video games it's not even a contest. I think you've been doing a great job over the past few years on here and I hope you continue to keep it up. I believe in you and also think you've been a great role model for our community.

I see your irritability right here. You took 2 minutes to read my post and attack me for it. If you read my quote correctly I say "If you find yourself riled up..." where "IF" is implied in a situation of anger. After your response here I am done speaking to you on this website. That was very rude. I understand you're going through the early stages of quitting games, but that was uncalled for when I've been very kind to you on this website and your forum post. You asked for an opinion and I described it. I didn't accuse you of feeling something. I'm challenging you to investigate your emotions of anger and break it down so you can answer your own question about your anger and feel better about it. After this response I think you do have an anger problem.

You have to do some deep introspection here. What about these dungeon challenges made you angry? Break that down. Then think about your life. Are you in a situation in life, or have you experienced many situations in life, where you constantly don't succeed in ways you wish you would? If this happens, do people around you benefit from it? Do you wish your life was different where you would have a husband, better job, more interests, and see yourself in a better light? I ask these questions because a lot of gamers have aspirations to be better humans. They want more friends, better friends, a better body, a better life, more money, a better job, etc. They don't make the changes necessary in life and often use gaming as an escapism to hide from their anger and issues in life. This anger is deep-seeded after years of swallowing their aspirations. Each year they put these aspirations for a better life on hold they get more angry. When people play video games as an escape from their feelings of shame and regret for not living a better life they expect pure happiness and relaxation. The issue is when someone messes up in a dungeon or on a team and you lose a game you were looking forward to playing. Then you erupt on them with anger you normally never see. That's why I bring up introspection. If you see yourself riled up with visceral hatred and lamenting others in ways you'd normally never act, then I challenge you to investigate your emotions and see whether or not you're harboring any ill will towards yourself for decisions you are ashamed of or regret making or not making. I'm in no way saying you have what I just described. I had what I described. You asked us if gaming changed our moods. That is my answer for you. It's worth thinking about. Maybe you have the same thing. I know you're introspective enough to be patient and understand yourself so I'm curious to see what you think. Spend a few days or weeks thinking about this. Maybe even see a therapist to delve deeper into your life if you aren't already speaking to one. That really helped me. Good luck

Thank you. I've been very surprised by the level of support and attention I've received over the past year from our community. Lol didn't I tell you about "HALTED" on discord??? Hunger, anger, loneliness, tired, environmental effects (bad office situation or living situation, or you're feeling like you're gonna relapse so just leave the house or listen to a song to change your mental mindset), and dehydration that can cause mood swings. If we sink into a depression or anxiety issue and need to turn to gaming or porn then check those 6 boxes first.

I think it's so difficult to live with your parents. They're used to you being a subordinate and you're tired of being a subordinate, but you both love each other as family outside of that hierarchy. As angry I've been with my mom and dad I can now say I no longer hate them. I can speak with both freely now and that is fine with me. My only advice is remain patient, offer a weekly meeting with them to discuss communication and task issues you guys are having, and try to work on it from there.

Lol thank you! I share the same thing. I really had to overcome a major anger problem this year without gaming to hide it and it made me feel shame with how angry I was getting. This brought some perspective and I was able to change. I appreciate the help.

Today I'm 1 year free from video games. 52 weeks. I'm not stopping here. I'm also 54 weeks free from social media. I'm not stopping here either. I wanted to write and reflect on my brief journey quitting video games. You can all read my introduction as to why I quit gaming. It's linked in my first post on this thread. I don't need to re-type it. I want to thank @Cam Adair for creating this website. I was so hesitant to sign up and commit to quitting video games because it was all I knew in life. Nothing made me happier or filled me with purpose like gaming. All my friends were gamers and my whole world was on the computer. I never left the house, never dated, never developed myself into much aside from college and getting a job. I always just looked forward to being home and playing games and not living my life. At first I was ashamed of that, but shame is a word you learn to say as little as possible when you're in therapy and trying to improve your life. Shame and regret are two of the biggest negative emotions you can feel and they often attribute to relapse and emotional spirals into deeper depression and anxiety. Quitting video games would force me to confront these emotions, develop strategies to deal with them, and studying myself to be truly introspective. I want to thank @Phoenixking for being my oldest and often times my most supportive friend in this community. You've been there in some of my worst and best moments and offered your opinion to me. I value your words and appreciate the kindness. I also want to thank @Vera, @Mouxine, @Ikar, @Silverlining, and @goodvibes for always talking to me and listening to me. I have appreciated your openness on the forums and discord (I don't really use discord anymore). It is nice to have a community who is there for me and also allows me to be there for them. I enjoy listening to your stories and getting to know you. I always want to see you succeed. There are other members of the community who have commented off and on to keep me going. I just wanted to highlight the ones who have consistently been there for me and really pulled me up when I fell down along the way. Quitting games is something special for me. After you read my Introduction Post and learn about my childhood, comeback story, dealing with abuse, and then follow along my insane year you'll know how much this means to me. Gaming was my crutch. It was my place to hide. It was my place to live when I couldn't live and felt trapped. It was the outlet for all of my frustration and the source of my power. For me to turn away from gaming after it brought me this far has been so difficult. I just refuse to be controlled and dependent on something that isn't me. When people, companies, and societies failed me and left me alone I couldn't take it anymore. I got so angry with the routine of being depressed, anxious, angry, filled with hate, and sad only to retreat to my bedroom and play on the computer. I'd play games with other miserable people. I'd throw myself into the toxic communities of gaming. I was so tired of people picking fights with me in random games because they thought it was funny. I was tired of trying to do amazing things in games and not have it matter to me. I was the best player in EA Sports NHL for 4 years, ran 2 clans on RuneScape for 11 years, and I was the best Grifball Player in Halo Reach for 2 years. I was on an elite team for Halo Swat mode on xbox live and was about to make a push to study and dedicate my time to trying to become a pro Overwatch player. None of it mattered. Nobody cares when you're that good at a game. They want you on your team, they want your attention so they can get attention from others that they're playing with you, they pretend to be your friends and abandon you the minute you're not the best. Being the best in the world meant nothing to me. I got nothing out of it emotionally. I reached my plateau in gaming when my college friends were meeting women, getting married, having kids, and traveling the world on vacation. I was alone with fake friends. Even my friends from college who played video games were fake friends. They just want to have me over, play Super Smash, beat me in it, get angry at me if they lose because they are judging me and want to put me down, and then drink beer after. I detached myself from this. I was tired of playing games for 18-24 hours straight from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon and then 16 hours on Sundays. I was tired of going home after work and playing for 6 hours and not sleeping. I was tired of feeling numb afterwards and turning to porn to feel a little more alive. I was tired of not eating 3 meals each day. I was tired of having physical and mental withdrawals from not getting instant gratification. I was tired of being lonely and knowing my friends were pathetic. I was tired of how lazy video game players are. They don't clean, they don't cook, they don't socialize in real life, they don't pursue hobbies, and they don't care about you. Some do, but most don't. I don't care if you're one of the few who do care. I've been gaming for 20+ years and know enough to be satisfied with my statement above. I want love. I want to love life. I want to wake up and know in my heart that nothing is pulling me to play games. Addiction has this invisible force in our brains which gives you anxiety if you're not playing games. You feel like you can't stand the quiet of being alone. You can't stand the fact that you're going to have to deal with your thoughts and your pain without drowning it out and forgetting. I grew tired of the cravings. I went into my own detox out of anger. I was tired of failing. I was tired of not being confident enough to make friends and find more well rounded hobbies. Never again was I going to lay in bed at 7 AM trying to fall asleep after playing games for almost a day straight. Malnourished from not eating food or drinking enough water. Physically confused and mentally exhausted due to too much focusing on games and dopamine rushes and depleted serotonin levels. I was tired of crying myself to sleep in the morning when others were waking up about to start their days. I was tired of letting myself down and harboring thoughts of myself being a failure. Shame, regret, and failure. It's so easy to blame yourself and hate yourself. I learned a long time ago that I loved myself. In my Introduction Story I highlighted the moment where I almost commit suicide, but felt the strongest wave of love from my heart prevent me from doing it. I loved myself. I'll never forget that. When I was at my worst I was there to pick myself back up when I had nobody. This gave me confidence in trusting myself to get through addiction. When I have nobody I'll have myself. My spirit is stronger than anyone else's spirit because I believe it and proved it to myself. That's the attitude we need to quit gaming. Quitting an addiction is tough. Most of the time you fight these demons alone. Communities like GameQuitters are important in giving people structure, community, and hope for when we absolutely need help. If someone were to ask me how I have been able to quit video game addiction I would say a few things: You need to recognize you have a problem. Are you hiding from your life and yourself? Are you playing so much each day that you neglect everyone around you and your life? Do you continue to play even though you don't want to play anymore? Do you suffer withdrawal when you're not playing? Is it all you can think about? Is it what you turn to in life for happiness, success, friendship, and purpose? Are you filled with in-explainable brain fog when you're not gaming and don't feel mentally clear? Then you have a problem. Stop playing cold turkey. Don't try to quit for 30-90 days and then go back to it. It won't work and you will fail. Eventually you will recede and go back into bad habits of gaming, escapism, and depression. I've seen so many people on this website, including myself, say with confidence that they are going to try gaming in moderation and they all fail. They all come back and say they failed. I failed. I quit gaming from April of 2018 until September 1st of 2018. It's in the first 3 pages of this diary. I did it and then just went back to old habits. By October I was playing 18 hours straight again and getting so angry. In the middle of October I had such an enraged moment where I just removed myself from gaming and realized I let myself down. I knew I had the power to quit gaming if I made it 4 months before this. I needed to keep going. I loved my life when I quit gaming and wanted the rest of my life to be even better. Understand why you are playing video games. If you consider your emotional/mental balance to be a building, then consider video games a support column holding up that building. If you remove the column the building will fall. You depend on gaming for happiness and emotional balance. That's not healthy. I played games because I wanted friends, needed to feel purpose in life, wanted something I could do that I was good at, and wanted a place to escape. To counter this, I found multiple hobbies that are only done in communities such as yoga, rock climbing, board game nights, recreational sport leagues, group hiking, book clubs, movie nights, cooking parties, boxing, you name it. Some stuck and some I hated. I now have tons of friends though and they all care about me more than the gamer friends. The hardest part of finding a new hobby is being bad at it. We all used to suck at video games at first, but eventually we became great. It sucks being bad again - especially if you were the best in the world at something else. Allow yourself to fail at a hobby and be bad. We refuse to because we are ashamed of ourselves in the first place. Behavioral therapy has taught me how to deal with embarrassment, shame, regret, and failure. I also took my job more seriously and became a lot better at it. I'm professionally recognized now. Don't rely on just willpower to quit. Willpower only gets you so far. If you don't study yourself and have introspection then you will fail at quitting an addiction. You have to do what I mentioned in step 3 in order to quit. You have to understand why you are addicted. I haven't craved video games in over 8 months because I replaced my sources of friendship, success, and happiness from gaming to other things. I no longer crave games and don't need to rely on willpower at all. I no longer crave anything. I'm very proud of myself for quitting this far and continue to keep going. Gaming is evil in my eyes. I dislike most gamers. I dislike the gaming community, and I dislike game companies. I want my mind to be free for the rest of my life and I'll make sure it happens. Thank you everyone for being here along the way with me. If I can do it so can you. I'll even follow you along the way. Matt

I'd suggest never dating a coworker as it will lead to one of if not both of you leaving your office. I'd try to meet someone while doing a meetup hobby or have friends take pictures of you during your hobbies and get a few photos of you. One is a good photo of just you from the waist up looking directly at the camera, a couple hobby ones, a travel one, and one with friends. That's my suggestion if you ever decide to try it eventually.

Why are you making a new journal each post? I think if you post in one you'll gain some people who are willing to read and help you with your journey. It will be hard to track your progress. I don't mean to be rude. I'm just providing some advice to help you be more successful.

Having these routines is important because when we have bad days we can rely on them to get us through the day.