BooksandTrees

Good job on focusing on your assignment and the anniversary with your girlfriend. Resist Diablo 4. I've managed to avoid all social media and don't go on Reddit so I have no idea about upcoming games anymore. I wonder if that could be something of use to you.

It's nice to see you posting again. I'm very sorry for your loss along with the medical complications you've experienced. Sometimes life feels like a war of attrition. You should be extremely proud of yourself for getting through this and sticking to your habit tracker. Take your time with this journey. One event at a time. Remember my struggles with work and home and health earlier this year? I was slowly able to get through one thing at a time until I fixed it all. You can do the same. You already proved it. Good luck

Thank you! It's interesting that I had a huge road trip to get home and drove for 330 miles. At certain points I actually craved porn. It was insane. I held off, but I never really crave porn outside of my house. I'm learning a lot and hope you are too.

Thank you! It's nice to hear from you ? hope you're doing well.

Today I'm 55 weeks free from gaming and 1 week free from porn. It's also my birthday. It has taken a week, but I'm starting to notice my in person attraction to women is increasing. I think watching porn 1 to 3 times per day for 17 years has skewed my desire for human emotional interaction. Reflecting on this has been sobering and I'm embracing the somber feeling of loneliness. I feel like I've programmed my mind to only flirt with women online or be attracted to the ones who look like porn stars. I can easily converse with women in person but only as friends. When they flirt with me and try to get close to me on dates I hold back and get anxiety. I get angry that they'd have the courage to embrace me and try to get closer to me when I don't have that very courage myself. Then I'll fantasize about them later when I'm alone and safe. I'm just afraid of it. It's not just that. I'm disgusted by some women I've met and just made blanket statements to make them all the same when 5 women don't represent 4 billion. I've become a hypocrite because I tell people there are good and bad people in all groups of life and I've ignored it to protect myself. In this protection I have annexed myself from any companionship, love, and connection with women and most likely real friends since I always complain I feel alone from my friends. Quitting porn is now greater than quitting a bad habit. It's about building connections with men and women as friends and women as dates and companions. Porn has made me insecure about myself and my happiness. Watching porn is what I turned to for happiness and emotional interaction for years and it had crippled my heart and outlook on life. For that I apologize to myself. But that's why I'm embracing this pain. When I ignored the pain I didn't learn any lessons. I'd just watch porn again to feel better. I knew how to quit video games after years of failure, self study, and eventually embracing pain to learn and build hope and direction. I just didn't know how to do this yet until recently. I watched the very last episode of Nathan for You and was touched by its message. A lonely man's biggest regret in the twilight of his life is loneliness and not finding love. But at the end he finds hope and the pain is erased. I don't want to wait until I'm 80 for love. I want it now (not forced, obviously). To deal with cravings I've timed that they last about 15 minutes to 1 hour. If I stay alone in my bed they last an infinite amount of time. I change my environment and mental environment to eliminate the thoughts. I haven't craved porn though. I just feel like my body is healing in an emotional way. I can't describe it. I'm hopeful. Thank you

You always have a voice. Sometimes voices are heard through song, others are heard through poetry, and others are shown in various other mediums. My analogy there is no matter the situation you always have options for your voice to be delivered and received. I know you will find the right way to say how you feel at the right time. Maybe this journey of self improvement and journaling will help you. You always have a voice here at least. If you ever need to talk I will listen as will others. I hope you have a great time with your younger child. This will be a great time to connect 1 on 1. Maybe the weather will be nice and you can find some fun stuff to do. May I ask your profession? If not, no worries.

I like your attitude with these situations. I think the positivity will keep you going through this. It sounds like you're learning a lot with these new opportunities and you just gotta keep going with it. There will be waves where you're overwhelmed and frustrating times. There will also be times like now where you got this and feel great. Keep remembering both feelings and doing your thing. Hope these opportunities work out.

5 day weekend sounds great! Any fun activities planned with the kids? Are things getting a little better with the other half? Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

I hosted my first today. It went really well. I got some more tasks out of the way. I also got my suit for this fucking wedding and just gotta get it over with this weekend. What a joke. The fucking thing is metallic purple. The material is plastic. It's terrible. But it's almost over. I can almost abandon this person. Also, this fucking wedding trip was going to cost $600 for the flight and stuff down there. I'm just gonna drive. I work hard for this cash (everyone does, I know) but jesus christ, I'm not paying $600 for this crap. I'm driving. I've been able to manage my porn addictions a little better. @Phoenixking I read somewhere that the urges for porn last somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes. If I get an urge I'm just going to do something else for 20 minutes and then move on. I know I don't want porn. i want a real woman. I want love. I want companionship. I want someone who also isn't a complete dipshit asshole. That will be my creed to get through this. I also watched a documentary called "The Game Changers". It was really eye-opening. If anyone is interested in physical and mental health I highly suggest watching that on Netflix.

This week and month will be a difficult challenge for me regarding my schedule. I invited maintenance over and they finally found the issue causing vibrations in my apartment. I feel vindicated and validated. A solution will surely come. If not, it's not major and we tried. I have that fucking wedding this weekend. I've chosen to be positive and just take pictures for my dating profile and try to explore. I'm hosting two seminars this Wednesday and next Wednesday for structural engineering and design for 3 hours each. It's cool, but stressful. I think this is my last year doing this. This year I already trimmed teaching each week and other commitments. These will be my next ones. My birthday is this week and everyone wants to see me. I need to get this wedding over with and then register for the 2nd most difficult exam in the country by December 5th. It takes time and I need to prioritize it. I'm just gonna tell people to hang out in December and fuck off until I'm ready. It's my life, don't you forget. I'm 3 days without porn. I'm not aroused, but I really want to do it for fun. I want to break this mindset that it's fun.

Sorry to hear about this cancellation. I hope a new opportunity opens itself up to you that can provide something special and meaningful to you. Just like last time this might take a little to find. Stay positive. Ignore your ex. I think you know yourself well enough and this is confirmation that you have learned so much in the past year and have been improving.

Enjoy these days and be mindful of how you feel now so you can call upon this fit strength in the future when you're lethargic and unmotivated.

I walked 25 miles this weekend in an attempt to get some exercise, go outside, and socialize with friends. It was a lot of fun. I also got lots of pictures to use for potential dating profile pictures. I also bought some new clothes to be more stylish. I'm an attractive man and need to use that to my advantage in dating. This means care about how I look, continue to groom myself and not go two weeks without shaving etc. Women pay attention to that and care that a man cares about themselves because it shows they're not lazy, have self respect and confidence, and might put that same effort into everything else they do. My only issue now is I'm so tired I don't want to do anything tonight. I'm going to try and be ok with that. I don't really want to learn a hobby, draw, etc. It just feels like work. I want to continue to find activities that don't feel like work. I don't need more work. I keep doing that to myself. I failed and watched porn this morning and last night. That was a let down. I didn't even want to watch porn. I just felt that I should watch porn, so I did. I felt this way because I was tired, but didn't want to go to bed and thought it might be fun to see some attractive women online. That let me down and I didn't like it. I think it's just a habit to do before going to bed and getting out of bed. Porn usage makes you lethargic and I have felt so lethargic recently. I'd really like to make that leap to quitting porn on top of being away from games. It's just hard to do. I'm lonely and very attracted to women and use it as a stress relief or a major pleasure point. This means I need to do things for fun more often that are cheaper and not addicting or a negative habit such as eating junk food, etc.

Ah, ok. That makes more sense. I wasn't sure if it was like a Reddit forum with a few hundred people or something.

Today marks 54 weeks without me gaming. It has also been one of the more difficult weeks, but not as bad as last week. I made some unbelievable progress with my parents after last weekend's frustrating time. I really dug deep and just remained the most calm, analytical, and assertive. I made my points and they stuck. They both apologized to me and committed to change. This was a major win for me. The past few weeks have been difficult for me stress wise. Since the beginning of October I've leaned so heavily on porn and it just makes me so sad. I'm being mean to myself by holding my own emotions hostage and manipulating them to "make myself feel better" selfishly. I have probably watched porn once or twice a day minimum over this stretch and three+ times per day on weekends. I need to prove that I can have fun without watching porn. I scheduled fall hikes with friends today and tomorrow with lunch. I also scheduled time to take pictures of myself with my friends taking them. I also have my mini vacation next weekend for that wedding. Things are going to look up because I want them to and the little decisions I make contribute to bigger directions. Thank you for the support recently!

Thank you! I won't give up. I'm Just going to keep moving forward and adjusting. Have a great day as well ?

This clairvoyance is a great thing to see. You know you're strong enough now. That is so important. Keep it up! Glad you're doing better and thank you as well.

Great job and congrats. Keep going.

Thank you. This journey has me feeling very confident in my self assessments as of late.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I do think if you enjoy that forum then you shouldn't leave. If it brings you happiness and community interaction then I think you should just block them and move on, even if they have power. I've had experiences like that where people bother me and I just block them and move on. Even on this website I've blocked 3 people. Just because we all want to heal doesn't mean we're all good people (this website), and just because some people enjoy a certain form of entertainment doesn't mean they will like each other (your other forum). I hope you feel better soon and I am happy with all of the progress you've made in the past three years on this website. You've been an inspiration to many people who are trying to make the long commitment to self improvement and having a better life. I'd take some time and consider returning to that forum if it really is an important place for you. You deserve happiness - don't punish yourself for something they did by annexing yourself from a society you enjoy.

Someone called me a "simp" today. I didn't know what it meant so I looked it up. It means "A man who foolishly overvalues a woman and puts her on a pedestal." I got pissed off about it for a bit. I told a woman congrats on her martial arts achievements and to keep it up. She said thank you and appreciated the comment and gave me a high five. I was called a simp after that. In my own self pity I almost beat myself up for being pathetic. Was I just complimenting her because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend? No, I was sincerely impressed that she was a state champion after training for 2 years. She found a passion, dedicated time to it, and became a champion. That's something I've been wanting to do and was impressed. I think I demonstrated good self awareness here. I have tended to give attention to women in the past in hopes of getting closer to them and spending time with them in order to potentially date. But don't all people do this if they're interested in someone initially? I think I have a strong grip on reality where I can fairy assess myself and say whether I'm being pathetic or not. I've seen pathetic attempts at getting pussy. I'm not in that realm. I don't like being associated like that. I came to realize this person has been single for longer than me and resents women for it and also resents men who give attention to women because he does not value women. I was happy to make that distinction and was proud that I valued myself higher than I previously did in years past.

Thanks for the article. I downloaded his ebook.

My apartment life has been up and down. I've had many nights where I haven't slept and many nights where I've been fine. One of my neighbors is doing something obnoxious to create vibrations. They did a very thorough test in my presence tonight with one unit and it failed. I have a feeling it's the other unit. But I'm glad they were able to investigate it and took me seriously. I watched porn tonight and got very disappointed. I just sit there after nutting and immediately think to myself that I'm being a moron doing this. It doesn't make me feel good at all. I'm going to ask my friends and family to take better photos of me this weekend and next weekend. I'm tired of being surrounded by idiots and fake attention. I am taking charge. I think I get upset that I didn't have more fun as a late teen/young 20 something. I watch those music videos for "Boys like girls" and "All-American rejects" etc. Bands like those. They make it seem like they were having such a blast being completely lost, going to random parties, having drama with their girlfriends, etc. I wish I was going to those kinds of parties with my friends and having that meaningless relationship with me that I thought would be the love of my life but never turned out to be. Yet, everyone I know who is in that situation right now hates their lives and are going nowhere. They go to these parties, have these relationships, but work retail and fast food and aren't going to college or going anywhere in life. So that makes me proud that I achieved and made it. They did not. Even the people I know now who are my age and lived that kind of life in their young 20s haven't grown up yet. They are the annoying ones at work who are full of drama that everyone hates to work with. They eventually get fired. Nobody likes them. I have no complaints now that I think about it a little more. I made something of myself and want to have more fun, but I'm proud of myself. I haven't really done any hobbies in 7 weeks. I haven't taken any online classes, no website development, no writing, no drawing, no podcasts, nothing. I have rock climbed twice as well. I'm in a little bit of a funk and want to work out of it.

Glad the improv went well and things are moving forward. Sometimes the stress builds up, but then it goes away and our good habits and goals get us moving again. Keep it up.

Don't worry about it. That longing for socialization you feel is important. Don't be let down by the "let down". Sounds silly, but it should fuel you to socialize more and let you know that sometimes it can make you feel better.