BooksandTrees

We've got your back through this and hope to give you strength during this journey. Beautiful picture much like your energy. Thank you for sharing. I hope I can help support you on your journey and when you post your blog.

Nice to see you're being productive. Hopefully it continues. Are you doing another monthly summary? I liked your idea so I focused a summary of mine for the month of March.

MARCH SUMMARY I wanted to do a summary of March. One of my goals has been monitoring my health. I've done this by tracking how often I watch porn, how healthy I eat, sleep hours, and what my weight is. I think this is very important for regulating things outside of stressors and such things that are out of our control. If we can control our environment then we'll generally be better off. Let's start with food. Below are Figure 1. Daily Calorie Intake and Figure 2. Daily Weight Log. My average caloric intake was 1,729 calories and my average weight was 178.4 lbs. My lowest recorded caloric intake was 1,223 on March 15th and my highest recorded caloric intake was 2,700 on both March 6th and March 16th. I started the month at 180.6 lbs, which was my maximum weight, and ended at 175.2 lbs, which was my minimum weight. I weighed myself every morning immediately after waking up and going to the bathroom and before drinking any water or getting breakfast. I weighed myself in underwear only. Figure 1. March, 2020 Calorie Intake Figure 2. March, 2020 Weight Log Some interesting notes to observe are my weight having a lag effect from caloric intake. It seems there is about a 2 day lag effect between eating more and gaining weight and eating less and losing weight. My diet changed to include more vegetables, less added sugar, less carbohydrates, more lean protein, and less dairy. Important control factors were 1,678 calories being required to lose 1lb per week and 1,550 calories to lose 1.5 lbs per week. Maintaining my current weight is listed at intaking 1,850 calories per day. The next area is porn based masturbation. This data was not completed as I decided to record the relapses on March 7th rather than March 1st. My average PMO was exactly 1.0 times per day. The most being 3 times per day for 3 days in a row and the fewest being 0 times per day for 9 days in a row and 11 times total. It's interesting to note I started my streak on March 16, which coincides with the weight loss and caloric intake control becoming healthier. Below is Figure 3. March, 2020 Porn Log. Figure 3. March, 2020 Porn Log The last bit of data is sleep. I record this with my FitBit. The maximum recorded hours of sleep was 9.8 hours on March 7th and the lowest was 4.5 hours recorded on March 9th. The average amount of sleep was 6.73 hours. Some days included naps. It turns out that any day over 6 hours of sleep had an additional nap between the lengths of 1 and 2 hours. Some naps came after PMO sessions, but not all naps. Below is Figure 4. March 2020, Sleep Log. Figure 4. March, 2020 Sleep Log The data presented summarizes my caloric intake, weight, pmo relapses, and sleep hours. March 16th holds an important date in this whole picture because it was when I began to regulate my porn usage and food intake. This date was the first Monday of the quarantine in the United States. I chose to start monitoring my health during this time because I was tired of saying I'd start eating healthier and not doing it. The virus scared me into taking more action and responsibilities for my actions and my health. The results were a steady loss in weight, better mood, less depression, and slightly higher sleep averages. My target weight is between 155 and 160 lbs. My current BMI is 26.2%, which is overweight. It's not muscle either. It's fat. I'll continue to post information like this at the end of each month and hope it inspires you to study yourself, implement strategies, and record your data. Maybe it will benefit you along the way.

No worries! Thank you.

Washington state peaked at the nursing homes that got infected, but you didn't see an outbreak in Seattle yet. So I'd say you're not at a peak. It just got hit badly at a nursing home where most people died. If you look at the data, only new York is close to a peak. Most states are 2 to 3 weeks behind them and some midwestern states are 5 weeks behind. You won't see long peaks til mid summer.

I lost 5 pounds last month through counting calories. I'm not trying a new diet. I'm just using math. If I'm hungry, but only have about 100 calories I'm finding that I'll actually make a healthier snack. I don't really snack anymore though. I'll post the details in my diary. I also 3d modeled without tutorials and went a full 9 days without watching porn.

Hi Everyone, We've hit some dark times over the course of this year, but we can't let that derail us. It's important to focus on some of the good things in life. The rules are similar to last month. Write a brief paragraph or two, or even a statement about something you're proud of yourself doing last month or a milestone you reached!

This has a happier tone than normal to it. Good to see.

Today was annoying because I had many doctors appointments and team calls/ meetings. I got frustrated and went grocery shopping to get away from it. Nobody was at the store and I got about 4 additional weeks of food to hold me at 6 weeks of food and supplies through the virus peak, if it hits. Realistically, certain states like new York will peak before other states. Europe is getting hit all at once. Some parts of the United states haven't really been hit so I fear we're going to be the epicenter this fall when it returns. But since new York hit first and Louisiana is 2 weeks behind I think you might see other states 2 weeks behind them, e.t.c. I worked later at night to make up for today. Got a lot done, but not doing it again. My therapist thinks the drums would be a good idea. I can play acoustic drums and techno with electronic dnb.

Today was frustrating because I kept getting called into meetings and barely got any work done. I was going to work late to combat it, but we're not allowed to work overtime during COVID19 so i said fuck it and turned the computer off. I worked on Saturday for free and got nothing out of it and nobody cared. So after work i was going to watch porn and binge watch tv, but I downloaded this app called home workout and did the first day of it. I felt more energized and happy because of it. I took a shower and instantly started working on...... yup...3d modeling. It's fucking tough without the tutorials. It took me 2 hours to create part of it. I'll share it in a couple weeks when I'm done. It will seem underwhelming, but the project is a good beginner project and it's also not porn. Thinking about creating something has got my creative juices going and I'm excited and frustrated to problem solve. I stayed up too late tonight, but I finished the day very strong so I'm happy.

That's why I don't talk to my family. Family is fake from what I've gathered. Just a way for people to create their own hierarchy outside of government. Try to logically disinfect everything and see what happens. If not, good luck and I'm sorry that happened.

It's painful and stupid. They just want attention.

It's so irritating. I'm very happy to be independent is all I can say lol.

I don't think it's bad. I just don't like it because my dad used to tell me a funny story, then tell my mom, then call his friends up and tell them, then everywhere we'd go he'd tell them and look at me and make me laugh to help his effect and random people would say how funny he is. It made me so angry. Just a fake. Reminds me of bad times. I'm not trying to turn this journal into a research panel. After reading my posts I'm sure you know I study myself and experiment with how I feel for weeks and months at a time to see what works and what doesn't. I tend to agree with my therapist and the neurologists I've spoken to over the past 3 years that have helped me quit gaming and overcome major depression. I see your point because a lot of people spew bull shit information out there. I'm not an expert, but I don't fabricate things. I share what I've learned from experts that I've spoken with in person regarding my depression and addiction. It's helped me quit for over 75 weeks now and I'm not suicidal anymore. It works for me.

How are you holding up?

I lived with my mom last year and it's well documented in the first third of my diary how terrible it went. I don't blame you. Just be patient and see this thing through. I think having an office space is great and you can always move stuff if he comes back. Be careful with the gaming. I'm glad you didn't binge it, but don't let that give you confidence into playing in moderation. It never works. Good luck.

Dude, I agree. I would have sat there ridiculing her in the most diminutive way possible for as long as possible until we broke up. I think I'm too evil for a relationship. I give maybe 1 chance tops and then I'm so ruthless. It's something I'm working on. I'm avoiding relationships until then.

I appreciate this. Thank you. I think I'd really enjoy the drums. I'll take yours, but if I get COVID19 we'll have a problem. Lol jk. You know exactly what I'm talking about with comedy. It's like a stress release. I don't want it to be a career, but I just thoroughly enjoy dissecting something and making myself laugh as a way to be less cynical. I really enjoy making simple, yet creative ways to laugh after being so serious all of the time. For instance, I took these online quizzes to see where I should live in America because I'm unhappy being cold. All of the quizzes were stupid and I started getting fed up. I finally found one that asked for my name, so I wrote "penis". It kept addressing me as penis and I thought it was so funny because I turned this "huge" crisis of mine into a juvenile joke. And the quiz was so stupid that it just kept addressing me as penis. Like, who would name their kid penis and why would penis want to be searching for a new home? Penis, what are your favorite hobbies? Porn. Lol. The thing I'm trying to quit. I think maybe I need to just blast music and exercise to get some adrenaline flowing and then I can just relax and do a hobby. I just get lazy and don't wanna do it.

I agree. I have written about how I turn it inward often I think that's why porn has been so hard to quit since it's my main way of dealing with it. I'll consider giving it another chance. It's just expensive.

I think she took the bike to piss you off since she thought you were having her get groceries while you did other things. I think that lead her to her video chatting without being interrupted by you while you did other things. I wonder if she felt like your assistant rather than a partner in the relationship. Usually people don't mind helping. It's making me wonder the tone at which you asked her to shop alone, her personality in general with maybe she felt it was below her style of life to do shopping while you cooked rice, a combination of both, or the issue that she's had tendencies to not want to do anything and avoid responsibilities like you've mentioned in the past. You are traditionally more proactive than her and she seems very reactive. It might play into communicating during the quarantin.

I tried boxing last year and enjoyed it, but it wasn't run properly. They had random members training you and there was no structure. They just wanted you to stay for hours. I'd spend like 2 to 3 hours there and not all of it was training. It was so unorganized that you just stood there sometimes confused. It was a huge waste of time for me. I wanted a 30 minute to 1 hour workout and then go eat and do a hobby and relax. I'd end up missing dinner, eat late, sleep, get heartburn from sleeping late. Maybe there is something else I can do.

Thoughtful post. Thank you. I should have phrased the depression comment in my situation, but I noted that I didn't edit this one properly so I stand by it and agree with you. The comedy side I have make everyone laugh all of the time. I really do think I'd be good at it. I just need to find a place to do it or way to do it that's not stand up. I disagree with your analogy when it's used for me, but I agree when used with others. I don't like repeating jokes and I don't like other people do I don't really want to do that. I'd rather do it for me and I'm just unsure how. I've read multiple studies explaining the byproducts our mind and body produces once we exercise and its effects relating to depression. Thanks for the input and welcome back.

NOTE: THIS ENTRY IS NOT A CONSTRUCTIVE ENTRY THAT I NORMALLY WRITE WITH GOOD FLOW. IT'S JUST A DEVOLVING SERIES OF THOUGHTS STARTING WITH ANGER AND THEN LEADING TO A SOLUTION. I DON'T WANT TO EDIT IT. I gotta be honest and just say how fucking angry I am today. I am so frustrated by the fact that I am so passive outside of work. I just want to smash everything around me. This apprehension and fear of trying new things is causing my depression. I get all these ideas and want to try them and then my fear and anxiety about looking stupid and being embarrassed casts a wall around my aspirations. As you know, or should know, depression is the suppression of emotion. Your mind produces and releases chemicals to deal with this influx of emotion and medicates you to do rest because it is a defense mechanism trying to protect you. So basically, I get extreme spikes of energy, motivation, anger, and just raw emotion and I can't control it. I immediately get tired and want to sleep. I can't fucking handle it. It's not that it's any emotion. It's that I have a carnal explosion of desire to make up for all the things I've missed. I had to sacrifice so much in the past 10 fucking years just to become an engineer and I'm so lonely and hollow because of it. That, combined with severe and multiple addictions, has left me so hollow inside. I'm a very aggressive person. I need to do things intensely because that's how I enjoy it. When I say intensely, I don't mean 100 mph full speed. I also mean that I am devoting 100% thought to it. This means if I draw I want to put everything into it. When I play sports I am extremely focused and competitive. When I tell jokes it's all harbored emotions. It's not just to talk and get emotions. I need to express myself with extremely accurate impressions, dramatic voices, psychotic body movements, all tied in with a dry overtone so that I'm constantly surprising people. You know what's the best part of that comedy I mentioned? NOBODY FUCKING SEES IT BECAUSE I DON'T PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND DO ANYTHING. FUCK I think I'm funnier than most stand up comedians and I don't prove it at all. I am so afraid of bombing on stage that I don't do it. You can tell from my writing that I have a strong ego. The number one enemy to a strong ego is public humiliation because public perception of me is so god damn important that I am paralyzed by it. I need to express myself with some form of comedy and it NEEDS to be in person. I'm using this fucking cartoon idea as a wall to hide behind to put my comedy out there, when I'm hilarious in the first place. I keep mentioning how I did 1 stand up routine and I was the best person there out of the 10 performers. I was the only person without experience. I've told jokes in front of hundreds of people before with my engineering talks and I am not getting the fake laughs. I'm just being cowardly. The thing is that once I get this frustration released I'm happy. Once I go on a rant and make people laugh I don't want to do it for a long time. This is why I don't want to do stand up comedy. I am not a fan of repeating jokes. My dad tells the same fucking stories all of the time and it makes me want to smash him. I hate people who repeat shit. Especially if it's not funny. This makes me think improv comedy might be better. I just don't want to be a part of some improv group where these idiots are so scatterbrained on stage and can't formulate a skit. I'm not saying all improv is like this, but you've all been to a good improv show and you've all been to a bad improv show. The people on stage yelling "OK, OK, OK, SO....WE HAVE UH-UH-UH-A TREE!! A TREE IN THE CORNER AND UH UH UH A TORNADO OVER THERE!!!" and this retard starts swirling like a tornado, while this stupid fucking act is going on about travel agencies. 'WE BRING YOU TO THE SAFEST DESTINATIONS" and this moron is just spinning. That's not funny. I hate people who laugh at that shit. It's sincerely disappointing to watch and retarded. I'd much rather find a way to perform either a funny skit similar to Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, or Key and Peele. I'm not as funny as those people. I just enjoy doing that kind of comedy. I want to create a skit and just perform it either alone or with people to prove a point and not repeat it. I think there's a staunch difference between musicians and comedians. I enjoy hearing the same song multiple times. I hate hearing the same joke more than once or twice. That's why I don't think memes are funny. It's just lazy. I need creative help and guidance. I'm probably strongest in one-off stand up comedy performances, well thought out skits that I'd perform once or post online, or a satirical opinion piece absolutely destroying someone, a group of people, or an idea in an online written blog or article. The next thing is when I want to release stress, but not have to entertain people. More and more the drums have been appetizing my desire to act out and express myself. I fucking love how the drums can be so violent, yet so fragile and delicate at times. I love that juxtaposition. I need to learn it. Yet, I'm not. I still live in apartments and although I live in a single home right now, in 3 months I'll be in another complex for at least a year most likely. The electronic drum kits are still very loud. Acoustic drums are painfully loud, but the electronic ones are still loud. I would need to buy several hundred dollars worth of equipment for noise dampening. The other thing is an electronic drum set will cost over $1,000. I already spent like $700 on rock climbing and I can't do that for another 3 months due to the virus. This is disappointing me. All of the hobbies we try outside of video games are so fucking expensive. But am I being a hypocrite? Gaming desktops cost between $2,000 and $5,000 depending on how much of a neckbeard you are. Gaming consoles cost $400 and each game is $50-$80 not including micro transactions. Sure, we build the computer and then pay $10 per month on a membership and it seems cheap, but we spent at least $2,000 on a gaming computer in the first place. What's the difference between $500 on a cheap drum set and $300 on noise reduction? Lessons are free on YouTube and I can play whenever. I'm being an asshole, and I don't want to hear "YOU GOTTA BE EASIER ON YOURSELF" If you're always easy on yourself then you're going to be a sloth unwilling to work hard. Sometimes you gotta work harder to get rid of anxieties and then life becomes easier. Thoughts to consider: Make simple 2D/3D art, animations, and other elements in Blender because it's fun. Not because you need to make money. Couple times per week. No pressure. Stop tutorials. Exercise more. I need to properly release the right chemicals in my mind without reverting to porn and addictive habits. Exercising for 3 to 5 hours per week can help stabilize this for me. This will include rock climbing, weights, bicycles, machine rowing, tennis, and hockey whenever I want. Also exercising when angry. Also, inviting friends to exercise with me to create social bonds and be less isolated. Isolation is good, but not all the time as we're seeing. Meal prep. Save the exciting food for restaurants so you can socialize and enjoy with friends. Make tasty, well balanced meals at home like I've been doing (I've lost like 6 pounds) Sleep schedule and not watching TV before bed. I gotta get back into reading again. I felt better mentally when I was reading at night. Stop snoozing. Talk on phone a few times per week and then when the quarantine ends try social events like concerts, eating out, game nights, etc. I really want a fun hobby that I can do at home that doesn't involve a computer. I don't like drawing, workshops, anything that sounds like work and I don't like cooking for extravagance. I can think of legos, drums, photography, and making funny videos for right now. I think making a funny skit or video will help deal with comedy hunger and not have to deal with the emotions I faced above. Also, I hate living in the northeast. Once the weather gets cold I get pissed. I hate being cold. I hate doing winter activities. I don't enjoy skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, cross country skiing, being outside, being inside, bundling up in layers, heavy beds with tons of blankets, shivering, etc. Life in northeast United States sucks because from January to April the temperatures rarely go above freezing. April to June they're like 40-55 degrees. June to July it's 70. July to September it's 85+ with extreme humidity so you don't enjoy being outside. September to October it's 70. October to December it's 30-45 degrees. December to January it's 30 degrees tops. So it's either fucking cold or fucking hot. Not to mention it's so expensive to live here. Housing, food, gas, and activities cost almost as much as California and Hawaii. I just fucking hate it here. I want to wear shorts and feel warm.

Perhaps. I think it's a good idea but also wonder if this is me dreaming big again for escapism like before.

Welcome to the forums!