BooksandTrees

Thank you. We'll see how it goes.

Glad you're enjoying respawn and making progress here. Welcome to the forums and I hope this makes a difference in your life. I found that within the first week of quitting games my mind became more clear and I was less irritable in general. It's a very taxing lifestyle to be a gamer.

If my new apartment is good I'm going to get an electric drum set. I was hesitant to buy them in April because I knew I'd have to move.

I'm taking credit for helping lead to this lol. I'm glad you found it though in all seriousness.

Why are you quitting video games and do you have a potential job lined up or a degree or anything? Just curious about your background with gaming. Welcome to the forums.

Welcome to the forums. Feel free to immerse yourself a bit and read some introduction stories. I have a decent one you can find on the first post of my diary. I also have a guide on how I was able to go over 500 days without gaming in the celebration part of the forums that I'd recommend reading first. Good luck.

It sounds like you need to get some stress and frustration out. Sometimes you have so much on your mind that you avoid other things in life because you're already bogged down. It's avoidance procrastination and anxiety. When you're feeling down and want to hide, do the opposite. Listen to an aggressive song, do some jumping jacks and then get pumped up. Get your stress out and then attack your tasks by accomplishing small checkpoints on large tasks. You'll feel relieved after and start doing your normal activities again.

I saw Foals live 4 years ago. They're pretty good. I enjoy the song. Sometimes I depend on adrenaline and powerful music to push me in the direction I want to go.

When did you get drums?

Blender 2.83 is free and a professional software. You can also use Google sketchup or Autodesk visual studio 360 for free.

Update: I found an apartment to tour this weekend. It's 900 sq ft for $1,600/mo. It is brand new and located in a town I love. Hopefully I like it this weekend so I can move in. It would be so nice to know I'll be home for longer than 4 months. After the good news I calmed down and finished all the work I intended on doing today. So now I feel double the relief that I've found an apartment and finished my work. Something I'd like to work on is my action oriented mindset. It's a huge benefit because I'm a highly responsible problem solver who doesn't procrastinate or sit on things. The issue is I prioritize issues like my apartment over issues at work because technically it's way more important. But sometimes this gets me distracted from work and I'd like to be better at realizing things can wait. I didn't have to panic search today, but maybe it was the right thing to do. I could have been a lot kinder to myself during the ordeal at least. It's something to think about. If I can get this apartment I'd save over $5,000/yr in rent and that's huge.

I would be so afraid to sit in a store for 1 hour lol. Is anyone staring at you?

I got over 6 hours of sleep last night for the first time in 2 weeks. I'm somewhat torn regarding rent and it is stressing me out. I'm trying to find roommates and it's not working. The only places I can find at the moment are asking for almost $2,000 per month. Jesus christ. If I can just do this for a year I'll be certain I'll pass my exam and then be hellbent on getting a home afterwards when the market crashes this fall. I've been stressed by the fact that I'm moving for the 4th time in 15 months. This is so stressful and depressing. I've just been so unfocused on work and I have a lot to work on. It's stressing me out and compounding a bit. I can't stop thinking about it. It's so annoying. I'm trying not to get wrapped up with porn to escape it. Idk. Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my family, and myself for sleeping a little more.

I'd kill myself if I moved home again so that's not a possibility. We'll see. I need a miracle.

That's true. I had 2 roommates for years, but I am kind of tired of roommates now that I'm almost 30. It gets a little old after a while. Plus, most of my friends are getting married.

Welcome to the community. I noticed you like climbing. I got really into rock climbing this year before the quarantine and I love it. It's my favorite activity to do now and I love the community.

I feel better after venting. A couple things I must adhere to over the next year: Rent, not buy. I say this because we'll be in a depression next year and making a major purchase is not smart during this time. I'll save more money for a potential down payment. My car payments will conclude in the winter, saving me $5,000 per year. I have my large exam in October. If I pass the exam I get a substantial raise and bonus to increase my savings. I'll have an additional 6+ months to research a home to buy and feel comfortable about the location, commute, amenities, house style, etc. instead of trying to panic buy. Study for this exam like a motherfucker from June til October so I can answer any question like a lightning bolt striking a tree. I got lucky the exam was canceled because I doubt I would have been ready to pass that exam in only 2 months of studying. Who knows. I have 5 months now. Continue my health kick. I love the way I feel now compared to the past 3 years. Put more effort into dating after the exam. It's clear my heart is aching for love and I want to put some effort into it. Keep 3d modeling and blogging Really love these hobbies Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, the community, my family, and myself for not going much more insane than I did this morning.

True. I may have been in a bad mood earlier but better now. I just don't want to panic buy something is all and it's so hard to rent here. I just don't want to move back with family. I'd be crippled.

Hehe

I'm in a very bad mood today. I can't shake my anger and it's just relentlessly consuming me. I feel trapped. I can't find an apartment to live in and I don't want to buy a house right now. It's cheaper to buy a house than it is to rent an apartment in Massachusetts. This state is so fucking expensive to live. The apartments shown on craigslist look like slums. 400 sq ft only $1,600 per month!!!! Wow. That's suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a great deal. 8=================================D Fuck this. I'm so frustrated. I want an apartment with fucking laundry in it. I don't want to share laundry facilities. If you find an apartment with a washer and dryer in it you will pay 400-500 more dollars PER MONTH for it. 1 bedroom no laundry is like $1,500. 1 bedroom with laundry is $2000 per month minimum. Owning a 1,500 square foot condo with laundry etc is $1,700 per month. How crazy is that? I'm better off buying. Oh wait, I can't buy. Because the United States and the rest of the world is in a recession and about to go into a great depression. You just wait when July ends and people start getting evicted because their unemployment for coronavirus ends. This country is going to be in an economic disaster in less than 6 months. So why buy now? People aren't even selling right now. April 2020 had 30% fewer homes listed and it was the sharpest drop in United States history. The funny thing is prices aren't dropping. People are just waiting. It's like purgatory. Not to mention most of the units being sold to first time home owners (100k-300k per home range) are just a home that is owned by someone with multiple properties. How to get money in America: own properties and rent to people and keep increasing rent. I make a lot of money and I live in a shit hole. What's the fucking point? This is so depressing. And I don't give a fuck that other countries have more poverty than me and I should be grateful. That mindset only lasts so long. I'm not privileged to rent a dump apartment. I'm at a disadvantage if I'm making good middle class money and living in a place that lower income people can barely afford. Yes, I'm glad I have a job right now. Stop saying "at least you have this or that". That's for people who settle in life. Stop. I just want to enjoy where I live. I want a home I look forward to being in. I want to own objects such as a couch or a table. I don't own any of these things. I have a bed, clothes, and kitchen stuff and I make upper middle class money. The other thing is it's easier to get a nice home in Massachusetts if you're a single parent on welfare. They have so much affordable housing here. It's unfair for people like me who have multiple degrees, a tough job that earns just enough money to avoid the lower income homes, but not enough to be in a good home. Government takes from the middle class like a baby sucking on a tit. I'm so excited to work all day, come home and search for a fucking apartment that has stoves from the 1940s and a refrigerator from the Ming Dynasty. Too tired to do any creative hobbies. People tell me I treat my hobbies like a job. OF COURSE I FUCKING DO. I WANT MORE FUCKING MONEY SO I CAN ENJOY LIFE A LITTLE MORE. FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK Thanks for reading. I hope this inspired you to keep quitting video games.

Today was better. I didn't sleep well at all with only 3 hours of sleep and it impacted my day negatively. I had to lead a difficult meeting this morning and do some research and did well. I struggled after lunch due to the lack of sleep. I'm very tired. I took a nap but I just gave up afterwards. I need to do a couple more things for a project, but I also need to train somebody all day tomorrow. So I'm not sure how it will go. I think I'll wake up early, finish the stuff I couldn't finish tonight, train the person tomorrow, then just end the day and relax. I think I'm going to do a 3d animation tutorial either tonight or tomorrow just to get back into it. I've been avoiding it for a couple weeks. Most likely, I'll watch a movie tonight and give myself a break. I've been watching a lot of porn recently and I'd like to stop it. I've cut down from 2 times a day down to 1 and doing it way before bed so I'm not stimulated when trying to sleep. I think that will help. I don't think it will be possible for me to quit porn during the quarantine. I just want to manage it better. The last thing is I'll be looking for an apartment instead of a home. I have to take that exam and I don't want the stress of buying a home to impact it. I want to pass the exam, get my raise, clear more debt, save more money, and then have my open window to buy. Today I'm grateful for my friends, my therapist, my family, my job, and myself for getting back into things.

I love this song and really connect with the anguish and passion in Kurt's eyes at 50 seconds. It helped me through the weekend. This weekend I'm grateful for music, friends, family, and myself for finding the strength to bolster my convictions and power through it.

Congratulations on 6 months. This is such a huge goal to achieve and I hope you reach 1 year and more. You've not only made it this far, but also been a valued member of this community and help many others through their own issues, including my issues. I hope you are proud of not just the number of months, but the effort you've contributed to this community. It's a place where so many of us find freedom and protection to write such vulnerable pieces about our lives and it takes a lot of care to adhere to their words and help. Thanks for being here for the past 6+ months and keep it up.

The past couple weeks have been tough for me. They've been tough for all of you as well I imagine. I don't want my emotions regarding love on this post to be analyzed. This is just here to read. Loneliness is polarizing. It's like entering a cave with no light. This cold tunnel that seems to go on forever. As you walk deeper into the cave you harden both physically and emotionally to maintain your mental composure and taxing wear of the landscape on your body. A pin could drop a mile away and you'd hear it. I think there's a benefit to being stolid. I just think it's more of a fossil fuel of our emotional states of mind. I see it fading from time to time within me. I wish to find love. It's how attention, adoration, love, affection, company, companionship, partnership, conversation, and so much more is at the heart of why I face gaming and porn addictions. I just want to be noticed. I want to be noticed by a woman. I want to know that one woman could possibly hold me so deeply within her heart that I felt its warmth every time it beat. I think that's what we all want. But I don't care about what we all want. I'm tired of that. I care about knowing that I'm a treasure to her. I don't need it to be shown through pictures, gifts, or anything generic or superficial like that. I care that she idolizes me. I care that she couldn't go on without me. I care that she cares about me. I care that she's so interested in me that she finally starts to understand thoughtful ways to surprise me, converse with me, show affection and attention, and make me feel special. I care that she cares that I'm with her. I'm not a side piece. I'm not a toy. I'm not a prop for her social media accounts, I'm not a bottle of water to keep her hydrated in a desert of self pity. She looks forward to seeing me. I make her happy. I am smart and she can't wait to tell me something so she can hear what I have to say. I'm unique to her. She finds me interesting. She depends on me. She gives me responsibility in her life because I'm accountable. She doesn't need it. She's independent. But she trusts me because she knows I'm responsible and she wants me on her team. Because I improve her team and she improves mine. We don't share all of the same hobbies. She doesn't have a stupid voice. She's not a bigot. She's fair. She doesn't look like every other woman with the same blonde hair highlights, white shoes, jeans, northface jacket, brown boots, and instagram account glued to her. She's not obsessed with viewing other people's vacations and making them her own dreams. She has her own dreams. She dreams of career goals. She dreams of life goals. She dreams of hobby goals and pursuits. She dreams of visiting places that matter to her and improving herself. She dreams of me. She is not vague or generic. In fact, she doesn't give a shit about what most people think unless they've earned her respect. Earning her respect doesn't include kissing ass. It means people proved themselves in ways that she respects either through their character, actions, work ethic, job, skills, humor, personality, or maybe just their own dreams. She doesn't test people to earn respect. She sees leaders lead by example and believes in it. This is the woman I want. I am lonely. I am tired of generic people. I want to feel special by a special woman knowing how unique I am and wanting to include me in her life. Not because she needs or wants me. Because she knows I'm a benefit and knows how important I am to her. She respects that and respects me. She makes time for me because she wants to see me. She contacts me first not because she's lonely and pathetic, but because she views me as her number 1 plan or views me as someone to include in her number 1 plan like a hobby after work or a place to go so we can be together. She doesn't want to get married because her friends are getting married. She wants to get married because she wants to get married to me. I complete her. She completes me. Women talk about men only asking for sex. Yet this is all I've ever seen from women. I've met women online, yoga sessions, sports, work, bars, etc. I've been used for sex or emotional cheating so often. It's such a one-sided, hollow existence. I'm not a sex object. I'm not a tool for you to use. I'm not your escapism. I'm not your tool. I'm not here to serve your self-centered life so you can feel better about yourself at my expense. You are not worth that. I'm a genius. I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet. I can speak with you about anything. I'm the best team player you'll have on your team. I have a willpower that is unmatched when I have a cause I believe in. I want someone to recognize this. I don't want stupid. I don't want generic. I don't want useless. I don't want lazy. I don't want apathetic. I don't want pathetic. In this cave the only thing I'm walking towards is the warmth from outside of the cave. I dream of that warmth. I dream of your hugs, laughter, comfort, eyes, and love. I believe I'll find this. I believe in me and I believe you're out there. I believe there is a woman like this who is out there and she is looking for me. Unicorns don't exist, but Mustangs do exist. I'm tired of running into donkeys.

i'm touring a house on wednesday. I have been very depressed the past week. I haven't really wanted to write in my journal. This quarantine is getting to me. I've destroyed my sleep schedule, eating habits, etc.