BooksandTrees

Today was a challenging day, but I overcame it. I had trouble sleeping last night because I knew work was going to be so stressful. I have so many project deadlines looming over me that it's giving me major stress headaches to the point of migraines and dizziness. The only way to get rid of the stress is to delegate work, express the need for help from my bosses, and actually get stuff done and not avoid it. So i did that today. I finish two whole projects today and might be able to finish 2 more by Friday. If I can do that I'll be golden for the rest of this month potentially. That would be great. Tonight I started rendering my 2nd animation. It's probably going to be posted on YouTube tomorrow. I'm so proud of this I can't even explain it. It's only 20 seconds or so, but it's beautiful to me. I'm really enjoying this hobby. It's also the 5th day in a row I've worked on it for at least 30 minutes. So I'm definitely building a habit here. I also took care of a few more things for my move on Sunday which relieved some stress for me as well. I'm hoping to pack Thursday night so I can do a few boxes per day instead of all at once. I never unpacked when I moved here so I'm almost all packed anyways to be honest. I did watch porn today to relax so that streak is over at about a week, but I'd like to restart it. Today I'm grateful for myself for getting through today.

Today was nice. I relaxed a lot and then did some minor modeling experimentation. I watched Pokemon, The Matrix Revelations, two episodes of The Last Dance, and made some lunch and dinner for myself. It was relaxing. I talked to my mom and my friend for about 2 hours. I then played around with my animation. I gotta be honest with you, this animation is fucking cool. It's 23 seconds long and it's pretty advanced for a second project of someone. I'm very excited to share this in the next few days. I might have it uploaded to YouTube tomorrow. We'll see. it's got multiple camera angles, all kinds of smoke and light effects, multiple animation techniques, and some sound. Of course it's not amazing, but it's the second thing I've ever made and I think it's amazing lol. I'm so proud of it. I watched it for like 10 minutes tonight just talking to my friend. I really love this animation hobby. I also love doing it every day for a few minutes. Most of the time I end up doing it for 1-4 hours, but the intent is a minimum of 30 minutes. I can't wait to upload it and share. I can't wait to start the next project. I dream of being an animator one day and I hope this becomes something for me one day. Today I'm grateful for my animation software, my friends, my family, my food, and myself for continuing to enjoy my hobby.

What's the point of the music? Is it something you only want to listen to once or are you constantly trying to listen to motivational music? Is it something you listen to while you're working or just need a quick burst? When I think of a single song to give me motivation and inspire me to move and act I listen to songs like: Break The Fall - Papa Roach Sleep Now In The Fire - Rage Against the Machine Territorial Pissings - Nirvana Attention - The Raconteurs Keep 'em Separated - The Offspring Lazerray - TV On The Radio Let Me Clear My Throat - DJ Kool Showdown - Pendulum The Vulture - Pendulum Salute Your Solution - The Raconteurs Applause - Lady Gaga Overtime - Cash Cash Born To Rage - DADA Life Break Em Off Some - Cypress Hill If I need motivating music for hours of work I do atmospheric drum and bass because my job is tough and I can't listen to people singing or else my train of thought messes up.

I think I struggled with this for a year and a half. I still get that anxious feeling sometimes, but it's not as crippling as it used to be. I think this is key to reaching addiction recovery to be honest. I wanted to say that I think Girl A is a waste of time. I don't mean to be rude. It just seems so complicated just from your brief description that I'd just friendzone her. Does she initiate conversation at all or is it mostly you? I would just treat her as an acquaintance to avoid any stress. Girl T seems a little better, but nothing really means anything in the quarantine I feel. Just gotta see how things go and see what happens in a year or so lol. It's good that you're writing in your diary more about your emotions. I've noticed over the past year you've become more in tune with your emotions and can connect with them better.

I may have mentioned this before, but she probably hasn't made the mental connection that video games solve her problems or help her escape. She might also be well balanced and not need to escape from anything. Some people use video games (you) and some people use alcohol and drugs (others). She could use food, exercise, talking, sex, or other things for her stress relief/escapism. If it does become a problem I'd communicate with her. If these sessions are scheduled you could go for a walk or watch a movie in another room maybe? I think you're feeling unrest and want to do something productive, but since most of these activities could be newer and require more effort than just sitting and gaming, that there's apprehension. I mentioned this in my diary a few days ago about my fear of stress from hobbies. 3d animation is fun to me, but it's such a huge learning curve and I'm afraid of getting stressed out because my life is already stressful. The issue was I was avoiding the activities and got more stressed and relapsed with my other addictions. My suggestion to you is just pick something and jump right into it. That unrest causes a spark of energy within you. The fear of following through with the activity (not a panic, scary fear, but apprehension) causes a barrier. When your mind creates a barrier it causes depression and burnout to calm you down and rest as a self defense mechanism. I'd just get up and do one of the hobbies and force yourself. I've been forcing my hobbies and now I'm just doing them without that burnout or frustration feeling. I could be wrong, but hopefully this helps.

Keep scheduling things to occupy your mind like hobbies, conversations, activities with people, etc. You're doing great. These thoughts will go away, but you gotta help them go away by occupying yourself during the day and maintaining a good sleep schedule since a lot of relapses happen at night.

Don't hope. Just do. You're doing great. Keep it up.

Glad to see you followed your goal. Not many people on here do that.

I agree. It used to be so automatic to just play games, watch porn, or play a sport. Working on a constructive hobby like music, writing, animation, etc. takes thought and effort and there's some apprehension to it because of so many emotions like fear of failure, fear of stress, fear of work, etc. Maybe that feeling never goes away. Maybe it's something we need to adhere to and welcome. I remember having that thought whenever I was building with legos. I'd have all of the pieces in front of me and felt so stressed trying to get that initial idea. Once I started putting pieces together I found calmness and intrigue. After completing something I could play with it and I had no thoughts about it. I'd just rush home to play with my creations and observe them. It was no stress at all. Pure enjoyment. Sometimes I craved the excitement of building something. Maybe we just escaped these thoughts when we gamed or watched porn.

Today I'm 84 weeks free from quitting games and 86 weeks free from social media. I feel pretty drained after this past week. Searching for apartments really took a lot out of me and this work week did not help things. I took today pretty slowly. I had trouble waking up again so I stayed in bed until 10 instead of 7. I then made breakfast, paid my bills, set up accounts for billing at my new place, watched the Matrix Reloaded, watched some Pokemon, spoke to my dad, made more food, and then 3D modeled. I was going to avoid 3d modeling, but ended up doing it for 3 hours again and had a lot of fun. I set up my camera rigs and then the lighting for my scene. I'm now gathering sound effects for the scene and tomorrow I'll learn how to apply them. I'll then finish rendering my scene, play it, see if I like it, and then edit it. If I do like it right away I'm just gonna post it on YouTube and I'll share that on here. (feel free to subscribe lol) Just kidding. I'm learning a lot about 3d modeling and this was the first time I've modeled 3 days in a row. I've also not masturbated in 3 nights so this has been nice. I've been a little more calmer and relaxed. I did have urges today, but I really wanted to spend the weekend not doing it as well as a long period of time not doing it. I was going to do some work today, but realized the reason I didn't work as well last week was because I was burnt out from working too much and dealing with my move. This made me want to sleep a lot. So I'm just going to listen to my body and relax this weekend. I think it would be nice to just watch tv, cook, and see if I can finish my model if I'm in the mood for it, not because I feel rushed. This is my hobby and I can and must relax to achieve balance. Today I'm grateful for my friend, my software, and myself for sticking with a good restorative mindset.

There's a two part episode of south park that covers this really well where stan becomes an alcoholic and thinks everything is shit. You can watch it for free online.

Today was ok. I started off frustrated because my computer for work had an issue that needed fixing. This delayed my day. I was only productive for a few hours and got a lot done. I guess it's something. I want to work a little tomorrow to make up for this. Not the whole day, just maybe 2-4 hours of uninterrupted engineering time will do me wonders. I once again got bored after work and thought about 3d modeling and forced myself to do it. It wasn't as much of a force as yesterday. I just said I wanted to make his eyes glow a bit and change shape when he opens his mouth. So I made the final part of the dream eater attack. It's not fully rendered so you don't see the smoke around him or the background. This is just the model space: At this point he will have already used hypnosis and the music notes you saw before would have finished. Then he opens his mouth, eyes glowing, and then jumps at the camera to finish the video. Tomorrow I'm going to work on the camera rigs and lighting as well as lowering the speed of the music notes. I have other things on my list before finishing the animation, but I didn't want to do too much in one sitting. I think one little task at a time is keeping me from burning out and it's working. Today I'm grateful for my coworkers, my job, my friends, my tv shows, water, the community here, and myself for getting through a very demoralizing work day and finishing strong with animation progress.

It happens dude. At least you're honest about it and know you don't want to do it again. You're also taking a good perspective. You admit it happens, but also admit that you don't want to let it keep happening. You're showing the correct blend of accountability and honesty. Being in the office will be a great change for you and I think having a schedule again will be paramount.

Great perspective. Thank you. I look forward to testing these videos out tonight for meditation. Also, I agree 100% about the house hunting. I really think I did the right thing by renting another year and taking a solid 6 months to a year to plan where I want to buy a home and my methods for doing it. It's the most expensive purchase I'll ever make in my lifetime. If I research TVs for 2 weeks before buying one, then I should put more effort into the biggest event of my life. Common sense. I can't let time circumstances pressure me.

That's life and it's ok. The good thing is you noticed you had full energy and positive moments today. That's important you're not focusing on the bad only.

Welcome back. I was in a similar spot as you before going on my current 84 week stretch without games. You'll get it back. Good luck.

I'll try this next time. I really think meditation will help me. And thanks. I was really happy last night after animating.

This is great. I noticed I have a similar issue falling asleep after certain tv. If it's YouTube I can't sleep, but if it's a general tv show I'm all set. I think it's because I don't have to think about the tv show.

That's awesome progress. I made it 1 night without masturbation for the first time in weeks.

No problem. You can ask a moderator or just ignore it and it will phase out by ther end of today if people stop writing in it lol.

Sorry to be a pain, but you should only be posting your journal in this part of the forums. There is an ask the community portion of the forums where you'd typically post something like this.

I wanted to add that I did 2 hours of animation tonight. I thought about it and got apprehensive at first, but then just stopped thinking and went to 3d model and made some good progress on my gastly model. I want to stay in the mindset of no fear and just doing it because it makes me happy.

Congrats on day 30.

I still want to try getting out to walk. There's a new trail near my new apartment that I'll walk on after work each day for sure in the future.

I really hope I can do what you did. What keeps you going? How do you deal with cravings?