BooksandTrees

Maybe there's an oxygen issue in the water?

Lol was a dire moment! Welcome back by the way.

You are so kind. I appreciate it. Thanks. I hope to get in good shape and continue to find balance in life. I'm glad you've been doing better as well.

Good job. I actually made a strong discovery into why I get such a rush searching for porn rather than watching it. I'll write about it. I hope you get the gig. Porn blockers are a great thing. I'm taking my writing slowly. Even if I do a couple minutes here and there it keeps me on track.

Your career might depend on him right now, but if you ever leave for a new opportunity your interview is completely dictated by yourself and how you distribute information in your favor. I wouldn't worry too much. Just keep going through these situations as they're great learning experiences. Maybe send a reminder to the online group? Keep it up.

Things are going pretty well right now with the progress. I had my first serious urge to watch porn after reading a normal book, but a romance scene was introduced. It was very difficult, but I just kept reading, closing my eyes, focusing, and knowing I needed to stay strong and I was fine. Nothing was attacking me and I was safe being myself. I also overcame a bit of embarrassment at the gym because the workout plan I needed to do required me to do very aerobic exercises in front of people. I switched the workout and still went. I also noticed 5 people doing similar exercises that I was embarrassed about and it made me realize nobody cares what you're doing at the gym as long as you're not being a prick. This was big for me. Today I went there and just did the workout and nobody cared. I wasn't embarrassed. I was happy. The gym has really been beneficial to me these past 2 weeks. I wanted to write something about addiction that I was wondering if other people experienced. I noticed that when I get the urge (dopamine rush) to watch porn or something it's just unreal how quick it hits. I started to realize I had this feeling when I wanted to be productive with a hobby, but was impatient to learn it since porn and gaming are instant rewards, no hard work. I decided to harness that energy from wanting to watch porn and set my mind towards working on my cartoon. It worked. I was able to channel that rush of wanting to watch porn into writing. This is because I recognized I wanted to be productive, not get an orgasm from porn. The feeling porn gave me was just searching for videos and getting excited. It's sad that it made me so happy for so long, but I'm forgiving myself for that and learning to channel that energy into real things to benefit my life.

Keep up the good work. We are proud of you. It takes a long time to get these things right and finding what feels right in life. I'm glad you are going back to college. You are smart and social. I think you will thrive.

I had a good day today with taking my class, writing more of my cartoon, and then cooking 8 meals for myself. The only annoying thing was that I made fish for dinner and I just really hate fish and seafood in general. I don't know why I keep going back to it to try and eat. Restaurants, family, friends, myself and any other method of cooking I just don't like seafood or sushi. I get so much crap for it, but I don't care. At the end of the day you just don't like something. I'm proud of myself for the day, though. On another note, I think it's time for me to quit porn. This is going to include me not doing non-pmo either for about 30-90 days. This is going to be an extreme challenge, but I'm no longer even caring about video games anymore and I just think this is for the best. I know it's an addiction and I know it's harder to quit than video games. I just am getting tired of the "need" to watch.

Keep up the good work. Don't get discouraged if you spend a day or two here or there feeling unproductive. It also takes time to heal your mind from constant gaming usage.

Thank you. I agree. It opened my eyes to writing and I really enjoy it now. I just want to take this brief script writing class online so I understand how to write a little better and then it will help me transfer it to Celtx.

Thank you! ?

Glad you had a good time. What is the event you need to conquer your fear of heights for? How do you like creative writing class? I wanted to take a few of the classes in college, but I was playing video games and was lazy. Now that I'm working full time and graduated I find myself writing for my major hobbies. I was always told by my writing professors that I had a knack for it, but I never cared at the time.

Last night I watched a 1 hour video on YouTube which had every single anime intro from Toonami on Cartoon Network. I was hit with a tidal wave of nostalgia. I used to adamantly watch Anime for an hour or two when I got home from school, ate food, relaxed, and had fun. I'd then play sports, draw, build with legos, you name it afterwards (dinner as well). This made me realize how much video games kind of took away from me. Instead of doing all of these activities I would just sit and play RuneScape for 8 hours and the night would vanish. Although time never speeds up or slows down, I feel like video games accelerated my teenage years because all I did was play RuneScape. I didn't go out, work on old hobbies, or enjoy my friends and family. I've touched on this before, but last night was another reminder why I'm on the right path. Finding hobbies has been a challenge, but it reminds me that we work on these hobbies when we want to work on them. Video games made me feel like I NEEDED to play video games at all waking hours. That's not how life or hobbies work. It's worse than a job, it's an addiction. Moving on, my goals for today are simple: Take another online writing class for my cartoon script I'm working on Meal prep 4-8 meals for lunch and dinner this week Practice writing in the software "Celtx" for my script instead of Microsoft Word I think these are all manageable. I feel wonderful after the gym. My muscles feel amazing and I'm already excited for this week.

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I also was heavily addicted to runescape, osrs, and halo. You can find my story in the introduction page if you're interested. You're in the right place so take your time, learn, and be patient. You got this.

Have you seen a doctor yet?

Good luck at the show!

What a successful day. I wanted to say how special going to the gym has been. I've gone each day of the week so far and last night I slept so well. I haven't slept that well in years. I woke up without anxiety or depression. I just fell asleep with that heavy feeling of natural exhaustion, like 10 blankets were on me due to the weight training I went through. With anxiety, you feel like you weigh nothing and go insane. That's why they always say use weighted blankets if you get anxiety at night. I woke up and felt balanced. My mind was clear. I had no racing thoughts. I did not think about people I hated or hating myself. I just lived. I did my tasks. I made breakfast, got to work, worked, got more accomplished in 3 hours than all of last week and this week combined, ate lunch, walked, went to the gym again, worked out hard, went home, cooked, cleaned, relaxed, and read. I also had a moment where I would have panicked and gotten anxiety and freaked out today, but that didn't occur. I recognized when I'd usually panic, but my mind was stolid and still. I felt correct. It was like I took a medicine to feel better. I ate healthy and didn't want to eat junk food because I know how useless it is. @Vera the gym is great. I read you go as well. I think it's been a big help.

Lots of people share your thoughts about romance in life so don't be too hard on yourself. It's one of those spells that takes time to go by until you don't care as much or feel the need to care. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are and see good things in yourself that you might not even know you had. If you find that person and they don't ask you out, grab them lol. Jk, but you know what I mean. Hope you feel better.

Thank you for the responses. I'm noticing how difficult I'm being on myself and it's just so tough to deal with. Even little things im just berating myself for being stupid. It's hard to accept that I'm not being stupid on these difficult things. If I don't be nicer to myself I fear I'm just going to stay miserable.

I'm trying, but I get in these situations at work where the project I'm doing is so difficult and has a tight budget. So I feel stupid, slow, then pressured because I'm wasting time and money. Then it looks bad on me and I might not get a good review. It's just a heavy guilty conscience and apparently it's for no reason at all. I get this failure feeling and I'd feel ignorant and entitled if I just said oh, I'm struggling, I will just take a breather. It makes me feel selfish for not going 100% all of the time. I understand what you're saying, but I just have a very heavy work ethic and I feel like a slacker if I give myself a break because I'm not putting the company first when they're paying me. I'd be putting myself first and I struggle with that.

I got pissed that I was being an asshole and I worked on my cartoon for an hour. It felt great to put things aside and be productive. Journalism made this possible because everything I wrote above was swirling in my head like a toilet full of shit. I'm now going to organize my work and set my alarm early for tomorrow to get something started with that before I go to work.

Keep pacing yourself and find your balance with side hobbies, passion projects, and the income from work. It seems like you're slowly finding the right path.

What a terrible day. It started off with me waking up after only 3 hours of sleep and feeling very sick. I was only able to get 2 hours of sleep after that, but it wasn't really sleep. I then struggled at work to get stuff done because it is challenging and I keep getting so depressed. I'd understand it better if I wasn't so down on myself. I ask people for help and it just goes right through my head because I sit there and all I hear is "You're a fucking retard. You're so behind on this project. You're a piece of shit. You should give up completely. I hate you. You're pathetic. Fuck everyone and fuck you." That is literally all I hear all day long. I can't take it anymore. I went home because of the snow and slept for 6 hours because I couldn't eat any food. My bird got sad that I ignored him, my mom tried to make food for me and I got angry because she put expired food into the meal, so I didn't eat it. I got angry at myself for hurting her feelings because she was just trying to be nice. I canceled a date because of not feeling well and feel bad about doing that. I took work home so I could work without charging hours and didn't do it. I feel like a colossal failure. I don't like having people help me all of the time. I was independent for 8 years and learned a lot about cooking my own food and being responsible for myself. When people try to be nice to help me they usually fuck things up, do not listen to what I've said about my diet for the past few months, and just make random shit for me to be nice. I get angry that they did not listen to me say which foods have been causing me severe stomach pains and heartburn, but I appreciate their love and kindness. So then I get upset with myself that I was upset with them and I just can't fucking win. I just feel like it's not worth talking to people at all sometimes. My mom wanted to go to Florida with me one weekend in February. She didn't plan it at all. I tried bringing it up. She now just says "Oh, let's go the last weekend". Nope, I promised my friend I'd go to his house party 2 months earlier. I probably won't enjoy it since I don't enjoy drinking games and seeing people get drunk, plus parking in Boston is a bitch, but I promised. I get angry that this stuff gets planned at the last minute. I also get angry that my friendships are just not going the way I want them to go. I expect so much and expect people to learn things or be better, and they don't. I'm so disappointed in most people I know in life and disappointed with myself. If I get angry at them I feel even worse. I get very angry that most of my friends and family can't FUCKING COMMUNICATE. If something is on my fucking mind I either discuss it immediately or plan to discuss it. Everyone else just fucking does shit on their own terms and complicates things for me so they don't go as well as they could go. I'm very tired of being angry because it causes me to hold it inside, then I get depression, then holding that gives me severe heartburn, then I get sick, then I get sad, then I get angry again. For nothing. Nobody cares. I'm making myself suffer for stupid fucking reasons and I can't take this anymore. I want to give up and just fucking go away or something and never be seen again sometimes. I don't want to die because I enjoy living. I just feel like running away. I guess video games were good at that because you can run and be successful.

Lol you can read some of my passages to find the anger question and answer sessions. I have been struggling with anger for my whole life. I had to see a therapist (not for anger, but depression) and over the years I've been discovering that I've had this anger pent up for most of my life due to issues growing up. I did months of research trying to understand why I built up anger. Now when I get angry I need to be cognizant of what's happening. If I get competitive or think people are stupid, how does that affect me? Does it matter what you think of others? I have to constantly ask myself if someone does something in general, not towards me, that angers me, why should I react and will that make my situation better or worse? I think the movie "Manic" is a good movie to watch for anger. It's free on YouTube btw. Might be a good watch. People in general love to complain and say stupid shit. That's why you are in college. You're going to meet people who don't shut up and randomly you'll find people who click with you. Stay with them. Don't go crazy over other people. Focus on yourself. All emotions are going to trigger your cravings btw. Start researching whether you get triggered from hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness or whether it's deeper than that.

What do you mean past the point of no return? Is this regarding the relationship? Good job going to the gym. I also starting going back to the gym and feel a lot better. I'm trying the Athleanx AX1 program from Jeff Cavaliere on YouTube. He has good videos and I think it's a nice place to start and get some knowledge of exercises. I think it's interesting how we know what we need to quit. We just need to commit to quitting, but for some reason it feels like you're dangling on the edge of a cliff trying not to fall. Quitting is like falling. When in reality we can change that to some other vision or anecdote of quitting being like putting on a cozy sweater when we're cold and uncomfortable. It's a comforting feeling knowing we're supporting ourselves and not holding ourselves back. keep it up!