BooksandTrees

Keep going with it. It sucks you have the parents going out, but do you have any challenges you can present with yourself to keep motivated during these 5 days while you're waiting for the medicine to take effect? Would you ever try a reading or drawing challenge? Any instrument you've wanted to learn? Do you ever write TV show or movie reviews for the shows you've watched?

Thank you. I appreciate your input regarding the whole thing. I almost feel relieved when she's not in the office because I'm not in as much emotional turmoil. I just think I'm being unfair to myself and self control can impact me in a good way.

No, I overthink because I'm not really ready to date right now because I'm trying to quit porn and improve my life, and also I like my career and job. So when I get feelings for someone at work it plays with my head because I don't thin dating at work is smart and I don't want anything bad to happen to me. I start to get feelings and those feelings challenge the core beliefs and direction I'm turning in and I'm battling with myself to determine if I'm ready to date already and if I'd forgo my beliefs about workplace relationships. I have to stay strong with my healing and understand that sometimes my emotions can be strong, but they should remain in check and logical. When I start going nuts and overthinking it stresses me out.

You could try yoga or different forms of exercise. It's good that you're discussing this stuff and going to bring it up. I think this website and talking to your therapist will help you with communication and what's important to discuss with your family when you deem comfortable.

I think I just kind of get very depressed and hectic at times so I just overthink and freak out. I write down my thoughts now and they totally contradict what is actually happening in my life. I removed my posts because I was blabbering a bit. I appreciate everyone's comments on the matter and will drop them for now. Thank you

@JustTom Once again, I apologize if I came off as rude with my response. That is not how I intended it. I just wanted to clarify a few things I didn't mention before and I know I can have a tone to my writing voice sometimes. I'm not angry or anything. I worry a lot lol.

I don't mean to come off as rude or if I'm not going to take this advice because I know your heart is in the right place and trust your opinion after following you for a while, but I know how to get a girlfriend and I don't think this video addresses the issue I've been outlining for a few months while you were gone. I also don't think I explained my social situation and the relationship I have with this woman in the first place. I have been addicted to porn for almost 20 years and it has skewed my perception of dating during that time. I've been working very hard recently to fix that. I'm extremely popular in my social circles. I'm one of the central figures at my company, my old company, my former university, and the professional community outside of work. I get attention and have a great network in that area. I'm also a central figure in my many friend circles and can take the attention at all of the meetup groups and bar scenes I attend. Because of porn I was not going out to meet anybody with the specific purpose of dating. I was not even considering flirting with a random woman at the store or at the gym or anywhere where I practice my new hobbies. Any time I wanted companionship or was aroused, I would watch porn and quench the desire immediately in an unhealthy way. Now that I have changed my mindset I've been more attuned to flirting with a purpose other than being friendly. I have no issue getting phone numbers or setting up dates. I haven't wanted to get a number because I don't feel like I've found myself yet or the beginning of a lifestyle I want to lead. I know this is ever changing, but my life has changed drastically over the past year and I want to do a few more things before going on dates such as quitting pornography and finding activities I enjoy. I'm getting closer. The issue I've outlined above is specific. I've been working with someone and like them. The issue at hand is I am confident she is interested in me, but feel like dating at work is a bad idea. I have career goals and things I want to do with my company and in my field. Dating in the office jeopardizes it in many ways even if the relationship works. I have a very professional career and these aren't the best places to date. It is also affecting me mentally. I'm stressing so much because I'm learning how to set boundaries. I don't want to date anybody right now, but I get conflicted with my emotions because I enjoy her company so much in my life. That's why I start to raise all of these questions. In conclusion, I am not going to date this woman. I think this is a proximity crush where I'm around her and just enjoy her presence. We don't really share any activities in common yet and our lifestyle and age gap is considerably different. I get lonely sometimes because I want companionship, but I also know that I'm not ready yet. I'm trying to kick a severe porn addiction that was worse than my gaming. It has been detrimental to my personal growth for years. The only way I will date her is if we hang out outside of work several times and it becomes a very clear path for both of us. Once again, I apologize for this long post or sounding rude, but I just didn't think the video was what I needed. I didn't really explain previously what I explained here, so I just wanted to write it out so people knew that I'm not hopeless with meeting people, knowing myself, or dating. I just get conflicted with her because I do like her, but also like my career.

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. It reminds me of when I was in college and realized I needed to quit gaming. Just remember this is all happening because you love yourself and are aware of the pain you've been going through. I wanted to share with you a revelation I've made. Video games aren't a hobby. They're a lifestyle. This means that gaming controls all aspects of your life. Your social life is through multiplayer games, your creative side is with puzzle, strategy, or building games, your story creativity is with solo platform campaigns. This means that when you quit gaming you're giving up a way of life, not an activity. You're going to have to find multiple hobbies to satisfy and balance all mental, physical, and social needs your body requires to be happy. This is a tough challenge, but once you start researching new ideas and understanding your needs you'll be so well prepared to live the life you've always dreamed of living. You're doing great and I believe in you.

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I am going on vacation next week thankfully.

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I'm glad you're doing better. Great job on the porn addiction. Personally I like to keep more of a savings account, but as long as you focus your budgeting I think you'll be ok. Just stay on top of it. It must be freeing to write when you want.

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How often do you play games now, how often did you play games per day before signing up for this website, and how does playing games effect your mind?

Hobbies aren't the same as video games just because of how unbalanced the reward system is. If you fail at a game, you can start a new game and forget the bad one. You get rewarded in so many ways that aren't real. That's why I've only succeeded by having multiple hobbies that satisfy different cravings. Have you written your cravings down? Mine were social interaction, competition, being good at something, being bored, having a talent in something so I could be confident, and to have a purpose outside of work. I broke all of those down into potential hobbies I could try and just keep experimenting. I now have hobbies that fulfill all of these cravings and a lifestyle which makes me feel better in general than any of the days I played games. I see a lot of gamers picking one hobby to master after gaming and that doesn't work. Gaming isn't a hobby, it's a lifestyle that you live. If you're a gamer you don't do anything else. As a gamer, your hobbies are multiplayer games, solo games, story games, etc. You're unfortunately tasked with discovering replacement activities for all of that. Even video game streams get replaced with other tv shows. Sorry for the long post. If this helps, I'm glad, if not, I tried and hope it helps. Wish you the best.

Congratulations on getting to 2 weeks and I'm glad I could help you. This is exciting to see. You can even tell by the tone of your writing voice that you're doing better.

What is causing you to relapse? Can you elaborate on your posts past the days free of gaming? I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe we can offer insight and help?

Thanks guys. I decided to factory reset and dispose of my old smartphone. I used it only to watch porn. Nothing else. I installed porn blockers on my computer even though I never watch on my computer. I am also going to keep my smart phone in another room or away from me at night. I've never watched porn on it before. I want love, not porn.

Stay strong. It could be mono or some other major illness that will require you to reach new strengths, or it could be something so minor as an allergy or something. I'll be hoping for the best for you.

Why do they cry at night? Is it just general issues since they are very young children? I remember my father would come into the room screaming at me and scare me more. My mom would come in and ask me what was wrong, sing a bit, and then go to bed. I used to have horrible nightmares and just got so scared and needed my mom. I slowly grew out of it by controlling my dreams and learning to comfort myself at night with stuffed animals and having access to a light. I hated night time as a kid. So scary.

Creating a dating profile turned out to be a very bad thing for me for a few reasons. One reason is that I am conflicted with what I want. I spent the past decade just watching porn. It made me only want women as regular friends that I'd hang out with like any other guy, or to watch porn. I'm disappointed with that because it makes me feel like a pig. I didn't treat women poorly or try to get them to sleep with me obviously. I'd treat any woman I interacted with as a respected friend or member of society that I'd do with anyone. Some of my best friends are women now. I'm just disappointed about times I'd just search the porn websites top videos feeds to see what I'd be interested in and just watch those videos. I bring this up because I have clearly not focused on what i'd want from a relationship. I don't even understand what a relationship is to be honest with you. I haven't been in one since 2010 and it was a disaster. I'm not sure what kind of character traits I'm searching for in a woman or what personality features really make me happy. I'm not really sure what I bring to the table either. I don't understand the little things in relationships that would make me or her happy that others know about and experience. The only way I'll know that is through more experience. The next reason dating apps were bad was because it reminded me of searching for porn. You open the browser on the phone and just see hundreds of women. It's very similar to opening a porn browser and seeing hundreds of women. After only 6 days of not watching porn my mind was not ready to view women on an app. Some of these profiles had girls in bikinis or questionable poses. That's their right, obviously, don't misconstrue what I'm saying here. I'm just saying that these are triggers for porn addicts. It's like trying to quit eating sugar and sitting in a bakery. Most people start their porn addictions off by seeing a swimsuit catalog as a child. That progresses to softcore porn or watching R rated movies just for the brief nudity scene. Then that progresses to finding the late night HBO/Cinemax specials. That turns into finding websites or going OnDemand. That goes to pure websites and stays there. I need to be able to control these triggers or if controlling does not work, just acknowledge the trigger is there, take a deep breath, and remove those thoughts from the situation. It's just a picture. I don't need to react to it. This is my life and my choice. Lastly, the online dating app was a bad thing for me because I generally hate how cookie cutter most profiles are. Most of what people say on their profiles are similar. Most pictures are similar situations like a famous landmark in my city, the group shot with friends, the dog picture, etc. The comments in their bios "I'm just here for your dog." "I'm a coffee enthusiast" "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best" "Friday nights I'm either watching Netflix with a good glass of wine or out with my friends" etc. I know guys say dumb quotes as well. I am not gay so I don't see guy's profiles. I'm just speaking about the common things I see which make people so mundane and less unique or genuine. Anyhow, I'm a day free of porn and I think this past week was terrible for me. I really fell apart this weekend emotionally and mentally. I watched a lot of porn and just couldn't focus at all. I couldn't work on hobbies. I just laid in bed doing nothing, getting angry, then just doing nothing. I literally did nothing productive this weekend. I watched a hockey game, was mad about a few things at home, was very mad at myself, couldn't focus, couldn't write, and didn't cook. I ate junk food, watched porn, watched youtube videos, and read boring articles. It happens though. I didn't play games either. I also helped some people on the discord for a few hours with questions they had about quitting games. I had two people say I should be a therapist. I don't think I'd be a good therapist because I'd get pissed off at people for failing and not listening I think. I would get angry because I get angry at myself for failing. I'm not at peace with myself enough to be a truly helpful person yet. But I am trying. Thanks for reading this long post.

It's something you'll know when it starts happening. It's like talking to that girl you know you like when there's other girls around. It just clicks. Until then it's just trying a new hobby and seeing how it goes, or manipulating a hobby and seeing how you can make it yours. There's going to be plenty of hobbies. Just not porn or video games. Or drugs and alcohol lol. etc.

This is a longer post. I apologize. If it is unhelpful I truly apologize for wasting your time. I wanted to elaborate on a goals post that I didn't have time to talk about earlier in the week. I had a huge goals list prepared for myself that covered the next 5 years. It looked like this: Write a cartoon Write two books Create a podcast Create a website for my internet hobbies to make money Perform standup comedy Buy a house Get a girlfriend Get in shape Find meaningful friendships get a daily routine be more connected with family treat myself better quit porn and video games for good find more hobbies I then got depressed at how stressful this list was. Inside each of those 14 bullet points were 1-10 sub-bullet points detailing my goals. It was so daunting to me. I felt like a failure when I wasn't doing something right. What helped me was color coding these goals to put them into time frames. Blue was something that I'd do in the future, but didn't want to erase it, green is stuff I'm currently doing and succeeding at, which will eventually be removed from the list once they become a lifestyle, and grey is removed altogether because I've lost interest: Write a cartoon Write two books Create a podcast Create a website for my internet hobbies to make money Perform standup comedy Buy a house Get a girlfriend Get in shape Find meaningful friendships get a daily routine be more connected with family treat myself better quit porn and video games for good find more hobbies The color codes made me less stressed out because I was currently doing all of the ones in green, but I was also making money to save up for a house, planning out the content from my writing to put on a website, writing for comedy, and bettering myself in all aspects of life and doing new things which might lead me to meeting a woman and getting a girlfriend. I changed my mindset and felt better after it. A new iteration of my goals list has future goals, current goals, and lifestyles. The lifestyles are detailed versions of the green text bullet points so that it reminds me of the life I want to live when I feel like relapsing and giving up. It motivates me and also makes me feel secured in my new way of life. The blue is just future things that I'll work towards so I always feel like I have options in my future. This took the stress out of my life, allowed me to have fewer immediate goals, and let me breathe. I can now do fun hobbies and activities with friends, be healthier, write, and relax. This all lets me treat myself better, be more connected with my family, take up my time so I don't play games, and lets me balance my stress levels so I don't crave escapism. This works for me, but not others. I only wrote this long post because I saw you were talking about the bullet points. I hope this helps and if my post was annoying then as I mentioned before I apologize for the long post lol.

Catherine, don't beat yourself up too much over this relapse. You're a passionate woman and are dedicated to yourself and your life. This is going to hurt because you feel like you wasted all of this time, but it's important to reflect on what may have caused it, how you feel after causing it, and what you're going to do about it. I know I felt humiliated, disappointed, embarrassed, angry, furious, and lost when I relapsed. Like I let myself down and I was such a failure. But I needed to understand what brought me to that, what I was missing, etc. We fail and we fail for reasons. These reasons can make us stronger until we finally go without relapsing. It took me so many years of failure to get to where I am now. You did great on this previous run and we're all going to be here for you on this next one.

Don't feel bad about opening up like this. Being sick is frustrating and happens to be a very strong reason people relapse. They get the flu, mono, cancer, etc. and start to game because of the down time and how alluring it is for them. It's one of those things where you'll eventually find out what's wrong and it will help you move forward and lead a life you want to live. Right now it seems your body and mind want and need rest. This is good, just frustrating. Now you're tasked with coming up with things to do or help you relax while you're not at your best and that is fine. Just another challenge that I know you can excel at. You've been successful in everything you've done so far and I know you will find something interesting during this chapter of your life as well.