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info-gatherer

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Everything posted by info-gatherer

  1. Hey. It went very good. I’ve been introducing them to the few people I know and so far we all had a good time. I just had to stop worrying. You see, the problem is that I felt like I didn’t like the contact of “two worlds that are very distant from one another”, but after allowing it to happen I feel... wholer? Anyway, we had a nice time. trigger alert
  2. I am STUCK in a situation I’d gladly avoid for the next four days. Since two hours ago I was very negative about it, also due to sleep deprivation. But then I managed to rest my head for 30 minutes and what I see clearly now is that my only chance of damage reduction is keeping a POSITIVE MINDSET. So, what happens is that a friend of mine and my sister are visiting me, and they expect me to spend one full week together, morning afternoon and evening. They arrived yesterday. I don’t know why I accepted in the first place. They’re obviously out of place here, they don’t belong here, I feel like they’re interfering with my life and feelings. Also, even if I liked the idea of them being here, I need my time alone nonetheless. So, the plan tonight is having dinner at home and then going out for drinks. I am worried, again, they’ll be out of place and they’ll make me feel out of place too. But if I keep worrying I’ll just have a terrible night. So, what I’ll do instead is trying to have a nice time and (a thing I learned lately) “let other people do the job”. I’m not responsible for them, I shouldn’t feel as an entertainer. I’ll introduce them to people, we’ll get drunk and at the end of the night I’ll go to sleep to my girlfriend’s because I’m not having another 3-people-in-a-bed night(mare) like the one we had yesterday. Thanks for reading, I really needed to type those words out. Now I feel better after venting. Checking out, i-g
  3. So, tonight I tried playing some videogames. Last time was in July, I think, when I played some hours of Yu-Gi-Oh online. This time I played 2-3 hours on a mobile game called Mobile Legends. Honestly, I quite enjoyed the experience. Being a game without a chat, I was “safe” from the social part of it. I played two normal games, then I kept playing ranked games until I lost one. While I was playing, two friends wrote to me on Whatsapp and I didn’t answer. I made sure to reply after I finished gaming. Now I feel quite tired but emotionally better than before (I said it was a bad day for me). I don’t feel guilty and I don’t think I’ll have any cravings or play again in the next days. Overall I’m happy about it. Being an addict, I’ll however be careful about my thoughts in the coming days, because I know that this kind of behavior can be potentially dangerous (it proved to be so in the past). I’ll keep accountable here as usual.
  4. Shittiest day in a while. Tomorrow is another day though.
  5. I’m going out for drinks with people I don’t know, just posting here to give me courage
  6. Hey just dropping by to say that I’m going to a videogame-based event with a friend of mine. I don’t think that playing is involved, I think it’s more like retro vg music and gameboy related stuff. Will answer comments and give an update about my position in life in the future.
  7. Hey again, it’s 4AM so I’m just leaving a very short piece of advice about the porn section. It’s something I mentioned often in this forum because I think it’s important for people to understand. Some people appreciated it, some others didn’t, but it’s what I think anyway: porn and masturbation aren’t synonimes. Our generation - the internet generation - finds it difficult to think about one without the other. The truth is that porn is an unhealthy habit that in the worst cases can even turn into an addiction, while masturbation (not compulsive, evidently) is in my opinion a healthy thing to do. It teaches you to be confident with your body, identify with it, feel it; and at the same time fantasizing about the other (or the same) sex - real fantasizing! thinking about porn doesn’t count! - is very good for your imagination and to have a good psychological relationship with girls. And another piece of advice. I don’t know if in your relationship with girls you’re just looking for sex or instead you want to find someone to have a deep, caring bound with, but in the second case maybe you should try to see potential partners as human beings instead of “chicks” or sex dispensers; and also, if they turn out to be “cunts”, try and choose your potential partners more wisely (I really don’t mean to insult you in any way! I know you’re just venting! I just want to provide good support and advice!)
  8. This is exactly how I feel too... Thanks for sharing and finding the words... “It leaves me empty”, it’s a nice metaphor that I can relate to... I don’t know, I never lose hope, maybe that’s what keeps me sane (more or less). What is your relationship with hope, if I can ask? Do you think problems will disappear one day?
  9. Hey @BooksandTrees thanks, I appreciate it. I don’t lack things to do. I have plenty of work, I exercise, I read and watch movies, and I have this great hobby/obsession with electronic cigarettes. In general, in the last weeks/months, I also got back some of my lost confidence in my skills and professional future, so I started to see progress in my life... It’s just that, as you said, you cannot always be productive. There is downtimes, and I’d rather spend them playing videogames than surfing the net in my bed... That said, if I ever go back it has to be a rational decision. I don’t know, I’m just saying I’m considering it, weighing the pros and cons. That said, I guess that normal people like to go out in the evening. In this period of my life I even have many invitations (well... many means 1 a week or so, which is a lot to me) but... sometimes it’s social anxiety, sometimes I’m just lazy, sometimes I’m busy, sometimes I don’t feel like spending the money and I don’t go... some other times I accept and I go... and I have a good time... but, and this is my main problem... I am really not able to feel a connection... I am glad for the nice conversation and everything but I feel alone all the time, even when I’m with people... even with nice, caring and intelligent people... and when I’m back home I’m incredibly tired... As I said to silverlining a month ago, I think that my problem is the fact that I’m emotionally tired... whatever that means...
  10. For the first time in a long while I’m considering going back to gaming. I love gaming and I miss it, I manage to waste my time anyways. I’d like to game in moderation, for example in the evening, since, again, I waste my evenings anyway. I’m probably too scared to leap back in. I remember too well the self-loathing, the brain fog, the loss of control, the judgemental looks in the eyes of my loved ones, the missed opportunities, in a word: the effects of addiction. There’s one million reasons why I shouldn’t go back, but at the same time I feel like I’d like to try moderation. But I really don’t want to face the consequences of it in the case I fail.
  11. Thanks @Lea ? Today I had two invitations to go out so I forced myself to accept one of them and I had dinner with people I don’t know. They’re much older than me but I really liked them, they impressed me so much. I wasn’t very talkative so I hope there will be another occasion to have them know me a little bit better. Tomorrow I have another invitation by other people and right now I feel like I’m going to accept
  12. I haven’t been journaling as I should have, but anything is going all right. I am having one exam after another, I’m mainly studying, complaining and self-analysing. Today I received a message from an old “friend” that talked to me as if I still was the person he knew. Truth is I changed, but he made me realise that I left some problems behind me, shutting them away without really ever resolving them. When I’ll be back to Italy I will consider (aka my parents’ wallet will consider) going to therapy again.
  13. Day 1 (or 365?) I didn’t meet my goals on internet browsing, nutrition and exercise. Anyway, I’m trying again. Back to day 1. I’ll journal in the evening as usual. Also, today marks 1 year without videogames. Looking back to it, it’s been quite a ride. So many things changed in my life, I became a different person. I wouldn’t be where I am, doing what I’m doing, good or bad, if videogames were still a part of my life.
  14. I feel like it gives you a better transition from awake to asleep and a better sleep quality than watching a movie. Personally, I do both. But while watching doesn't prepare you to sleep in any way (on the contrary, it keeps you awake), reading usually does.
  15. I think that working as a game tester used to be the dream of many people here. That said, you need to think why you quit gaming in the first place. If you suffer from a gaming addiction, that's enough reason for quitting the job. It's not going to help you succeed, on the contrary, it'll drag you down. Addicts are people that can't do things in moderation.
  16. My god, you're such a living power... Every time I read your journal, looks like in 3 or 4 days you made it to a whole new plane of existence, again. I'm very inspired by your determination and attitude. Respect.
  17. If what you crave is success/attention (and there's nothing wrong with it ofc) there are other challenging ways to fulfill that need. For example, since you mentioned being on youtube as a gamer, you could try opening a youtube channel.
  18. Props for studying/working with your partner, in my opinion it's one of the very few signs of a healthy relationship and it's very satisfying as well. Also, the way you wrote it gave me a romantic moment and I'm not the romantic kind. And of course, congrats for your 90 days! I think it's my first post in here...? Well, as always, I arrived when the party's over.
  19. Planning the weekend will help you get through it. How will you spend your time? Also, planning is a great way to "force" yourself to stick to your decisions and don't find excuses at the last minute. I also suggest you to journal every day. It helps a lot. Part of your family overcame their addiction problem, you can be inspired by them and work to your goals ?
  20. Can I ask you what's your job and what you don't like about it? It's because in your first post you mentioned living your life in the "other 8-9 hours", implying that when you're working you're feeling like you're not living your life. Maybe in that answer there's the key to more happiness? I don't know. In the meanwhile, congrats for taking a difficult but rewarding decision. As you've already seen, days seem much longer, sleep is better and there's a lot of other perks you'll discover with time. You can think of them as real-life achievements ?
  21. @Gaming Zombie It's once a week. Maybe next week I'll go. Maybe I should...? I felt the social pressure to perform (both in the game and "socially"), was too much for me and I'm not sure I want to feel it again. Day 4 Day 4 of what? What is my goal exactly? What I wanted was cutting my screen time and I'm doing it, doing sports and I'm doing it, eating healthier and I'm doing it. But what if after a bad day I relapse once? And then twice? And then it becomes normal? I probably need a clearer goal, something I can measure. Today I woke up, had breakfast, did some basic chores, spent all the rest of the day and evening at the library. Didn't procrastinate nor waste any time. Now it's 11PM of a Friday. I'm back at home. Normal people are having drinks and going out, me I think I'll comment some journals. If I can't help myself, maybe I can at least try to help others. Update: it’s 2AM, I’ve been trying to sleep but I can’t. I’m struggling with thoughts that I don’t like. Jealousy, lack of self-confidence, loneliness... I’m also thinking: why my social life is so low a priority for me, when it’s so important? am I just scared? or deluded? Why don’t I work to change things, if so evidently it’s my main reason of unhappiness? Fuck... When I quit gaming I thought that my gaming addiction was holding me back from having friends and a social life. But what if that problem is even deeper than gaming? It has to be. Where does it come from? Why can’t I help it?
  22. @JPAO thanks ? @JustTom good to see you, man! Day 3 (yesterday) Woke up at an unusual 7.30AM (usual time is 8.30-9) because on thursdays I have class early. I was going to class but I got lost and arrived late to the first class of the semester. Now, what happens is that for bureaucratic reasons this semester I’ll be following undergraduate courses along with master’s. And they feel very different. The complexity of the master classes is not there, everything is more clear and understandable. But at the same time, I feel that this “simplicity” allows for much more notions to be explained and learned in a short time. Anyway, I volunteereed for the first presentation of the semester, which will take place next thursday. I hope I learned french well enough to be able to talk correctly for the required 20 minutes. So, not being a native speaker I need to work hard and prepare for it. In the afternoon I had the first futsball match. After all the exercising I did lately, I thought my physical shape was good enough. But it wasn’t. After 30 minutes I was just panting and puffing and couldn’t run anymore. I don’t know how I managed to keep playing for 1 hour and a half. Both my skill and physical shape are neatly under average. Some of the guys looked like professional players, the level was very high. It was a bit humiliating. I don’t want to quit but at the same time it’s maybe the right thing to do, try something less demanding? After futsal I had a tea with Marta, this new girl I met. Usually I would speculate about the pros and cons of my new acquaintance, but this time I will just not worry and see what happens. Finally, in the evening I had my other undergraduate class. Other 3 hours straight. I arrived home at 9.30PM with body and mind completely crushed. I deleted my coaching subscription for the aforementioned reasons: I can’t afford to buy the ingredients (nor to spend 3-4 hours a day cooking). I’ll just try to eat healthier in general or try alternatives. I went to bed and decided I didn’t want to set an alarm. I woke up at 11AM after a much needed sleep.