DaBest

Not as far along as you, but I feel the same some days. It's easy to get wrapped up in those feelings. A couple of mistakes and a couple of bad deals, and here we are with a bad situation. I've tried to take more solace recently in comparison to my old self rather than comparing to others. Yeah, I still have my goals and I still have my own problems I want to overcome, but I think I've driven myself crazy enough with trying to be perfect. When I look back on where I was 5 years ago--terrible social skills, no friends, living at home with parents working in a pizzeria--and now--average to even above average social skills, organizing events with friends and acquaintances, have my own apartment, engineer--I feel a little bit more proud. You've gone from alcoholic to recovering alcoholic. As someone who lived with one for years, and watching them go through, and WIN, that struggle, what you are doing is seriously impressive and more massive a change than many people will ever accomplish in their lives. Seriously, I mean that and I'm being 100% honest in saying that's a really impressive accomplishment. You're not going to get there overnight, and there is no linear path upwards, but if you can keep stringing the small wins together, you can get through that mid-life crisis and own the rest of your life like a boss. Again, big kudos.

Sorry to hear you didn't pass. You put a lot of hard work into that. Next time it's yours.

Absolutely agreed @TheNewMe2.0. I'm not going to be a superstar overnight. I can at least try to be better than yesterday--that's more manageable. Sorry to hear you had a headache too. Work won't always be like this. --- Day started off well enough, got up quick and didn't go on my phone while in bed. I'm doing this more often, and its changing my impression of myself in the mornings. When I get up quicker, I feel better about myself. Went to work. Was stressful today, but maybe not as much as yesterday. I did a little bit of meditating before I left for work today and I think it helped some. I did reach for my phone a decent amount today but less than yesterday. I did stay late to put in some extra time towards some trainings. Oh, and I actually saw someone at work--WOOOAH! I need to be better with my habits in the evenings. I've kind of loafed around for a few hours, and I really should've worked out. I might still, but it is getting later. Posting more consistently recently has helped with this though, and I am turning off my computer earlier on average. I'm also getting more sleep. I would like to replace this time with working out, socializing, sleeping, cleaning, and reading (not necessarily in any particular order). I just can't lose sight of those goals as I move away from the computer. Laptop off, goodnight.

@Jason70, it's hard replacing what it provides--easy dopamine and escape. For me, there's also a lot of other stuff that goes into it too. Good luck to you, bud. --- Today was stressful. I had a reasonably productive day at work, but there were a lot of moments where I got stuck with stuff I hadn't done since college. I felt way out of my league, and it stressed me out a lot. I've had a massive headache since then today. I was reaching for my phone a decent amount at work, and I constantly had to drive my anxiety down so I could focus. I have just been on the computer since I got home too, and my head is still throbbing a bit. I shouldn't have behaved like I had on the computer. Even though i should've turned off my laptop a few hours ago. I'm going to turn it off now and be productive even if only for a little while before I should go to bed. Tomorrow, I want to work out before I go on my laptop at all. That's what I'll use to replace the void. I'm greatful for: my headache, pushing through, forgiveness.

Weekend recap: Good: Didn't let Saturday's golf ruin my weekend. Did a better job than usual with the internet this weekend. Compared to most weekends it was down a bit. I worked out today! (Didn't get to it last night. Whoops...) Got a lot of my chores done early. Not rushing late. Got up early each day. Didn't go on my phone while in bed. Not So Good: Had a mini meltdown while on the phone with my parents. Not mad at them, just really intense anxiety and overwhelm for a little bit. On the bright side, I didn't completely lose it and I got through it quick. Didn't use my dating apps. Was too lazy overall. I had 16 hours today and I could've accomplished a lot more. Overall, I want to find more joy in doing something that improves my situation, rather than trying to "relax" with the internet. I'm getting better, but I still have a long ways to go. That's it. Computer off.

That's awesome news! Good luck!

Early post since I'm going off the rails a bit. Last night got a little distracted on my phone after my post when I went to check today's weather. Kind of stupid. I wasn't up super late though. Golf today was so brutal. I played yet another worst round ever. I tried to have as much fun as I could, but the guy I was paired up with just had a long phone conversation with someone for nearly the whole time he was there (only the first half). It was kind of a downer, but it was good practice at trying to temper down how annoyed I was since he was talking through every swing. I shouldn't get annoyed, and overall I did a better job, so that's good. The second half I started out solo and then merged with a group behind me when the group in front of me was going so slow. I continued to shank balls the whole time and I had no idea what I was doing wrong. The group was chill, but it was hard to be super charismatic when I was shanking 20+ shots in a row. I had to just pick up my ball a lot at this point since I didn't want to hold these guys up. Honestly, I just want to be able to hit the ball straight so I can play not super-embarrassing golf and make a few friends. That's it. I don't have many other social outlets anymore. I want one to just stick for once. This is probably the most frustrating part. It makes me feel alone and I hate it. I have another lesson with my coach tomorrow which I can't cancel. I'm going to look for a new coach at this point since he A) doesn't know what's causing my issue yet, and B) seems focused on other parts of my game which are not as important to me not looking like an ass. Nice guy, but I honestly feel like I've gotten a lot worse since I started working with him. --- I will not let that ruin the rest of my day. I cannot drown myself in the internet like I was just about to. I'm going to do stuff that's going to make me feel good about myself--by doing the right things. Game plan: 1) Change clothes and have a quick lunch without any phone/laptop. 2) Continue Christmas shopping. 3) Workout 4) Cook dinner. 5) Spend time on dating app. 6) Meditate. That's better than watching random stuff on YouTube.

Today was much better than yesterday. I actually went into work today and got a full day plus some extra in to make up for yesterday. I felt way better. My anxiety was still very high though. I was constantly reaching for my phone whenever I had a spare moment. It did hinder my productivity today somewhat, but nowhere near as bad as yesterday. It's progress. I thought I could work from home for long periods of time but turns out I still can't. Oops. In light of that and against what I told myself, I booked a very early round of golf tomorrow. It will be good for my head even if I lose every ball. I won't though. I just want to have a good time and be social with some random people, and work on my social skillzzzz. I also attempted some Christmas shopping on the way home but couldn't find what I needed. Still, it was nice to be out and about. Computer (and phone) off early after this. I'm going to meditate and clean some. It will help me get back on the right path. Tomorrow I need to be much more diligent about staying off my computer for sheer fun. I've been doing way too much of that. I can take a break from it and enjoy other things--I can't lose sight of that.

Today was a disaster similar to my April lockdown meltdowns, and this one is all my fault. I've basically been working from home for the past week because I've been getting up late and it's easy to roll out of bed. Things were ok up through yesterday, but today I just wanted to mainline every little bit of the internet. If I had drugs, I'd probably do that too. The isolation, anxiety, shame, and probably most importantly, fear I don't have what it takes to be an engineer, all came up today. I was on my phone for a lot of the day. I didn't eat well. I'm up late. I just don't want to feel anything right now. Big fix for tomorrow is going to the physical office. I can't mess around on the internet there. Data reception from my phone sucks in the office too. Also, big fix is to stop believing I can't do things. I thought I was getting better at moving away from those thoughts, but I guess staying at home for four days straight reverts me into a child again. Good to note. Honestly, I'm a bit surprised I lasted this long. I'm going to just give tomorrow my best. Computer off now.

Thanks @Jason70. I don't know if there's a tactic per se. It's more of a mindset shift. At a certain point, I started to get tired of beating myself up in my head all the time. I still do, don't get me wrong, but I know the one thing that makes that happen less is if I make progress and improve. However, one thing that does help this, or anything similar, is meditation, because meditation helps me be more aware of what I'm thinking about. Instead of feeling like a passenger along for the ride, I'm more of a rational observer. If I notice the bad thoughts, I can think rationally and stop them. When I don't do that, the wheels come flying off. --- Therapy session if a few minutes and hanging out with a friend after. Today was difficult. I finished my first pass of my deliverable and sent it for review. It felt good for all of thirty seconds, because I started to think about the next thing I had to do, and I was wondering if it's even billable or not. Should be better tomorrow, since I should have some feedback and some other work with the thing I sent out today. The stress had me constantly reaching for my phone today. Also, I was dumb and went on my phone last night after I shut down my laptop. Kinda defeats the purpose of turning off the laptop. However, I didn't go on my phone when I woke up this morning. I've been stringing a few days like this together and it feels good to do so. It's really hard not to go reaching for it besides turning the alarm off. I don't want to be known as the guy who wakes up sleep deprived, and spends an hour on his phone in bed before he starts every day. That's stupid. That's it. Adios.

Please don't cut your friend if you don't have to. I believe that connection with other people helps immensely with resolving addictions, anxiety, and depression. A lot of those things can stem from a lack of connection. Look up the "Rat Park" experiments by Bruce Alexander if you haven't heard of it already. Neat stuff. On a practical note, like what @codepantssaid, it's how you define it. If I'm playing at a friend's house, no big deal. Playing alone at my house, goodbye 16 hours of my life. I lack self-control when I'm alone. I have one friend in particular with whom I "play" videogames every week, and by "play" I mean he streams himself playing on Discord and I tell him what to do. When it's over, it's over. It's weird but it works. That last sentence is so key! When you have too much time to think, that's when the bad thoughts come back. Games are a great drug if you need it to be. I feel the same. For me, it stems from a belief from when I was a kid that I couldn't fix anything and that everything was hopeless. I don't think that now. If you keep doing what you are with your habits, you'll probably alleviate a lot of those issues even when you aren't moving around.

Yep. I'm starting to finally give up on perfection and instead am just focusing on progress. It's healthier and I improve faster. --- Work was LONG today. I'm trying for 8 billable hours of work every day for this week and I'm realizing that's HARD. When you add in the admin stuff, lunch breaks, etc., it ends up around 10-11 hours. My brain's a bit frazzled right now trying to maintain focus that long. I'm happy though since I made really good progress on my deliverable today. It's coming together nicely. What's also been nice is that I'm basically teaching myself how to use this fancy software, and when I get stuck with an issue, I can troubleshoot it and fix it myself. I like fixing things--it makes me feel competent. I also spoke with a friend whose been struggling recently while I was at work. I knew it was going to extend my workday but I was glad I did it. Most importantly, I got a lot of meditation in today during work breaks. The past two days I had really good sessions, and it really helps with my focus and keeping the negativity (and computer) at bay. I'm kinda beat. I'm going to turn off my laptop, clean up my kitchen and bedroom, and workout if I have some time. Mundane day. Woo.

I'm a recovering perfectionist too! Isn't it fun? I think one thing that could help is shifting the focus from the goal to the process. Instead of thinking (or trying not to) "I want to be perfect", focus more on "I just want to be a little bit better today." By doing that, it takes a lot of pressure off, and it allows one to actually appreciate progress and go after it in more manageable chunks. I will consistently judge myself for my mistakes from past and present. However, I've fought like crazy these past few years, and if I look back long-term, I'm WAY ahead of where I was. I'm at least proud of that. I'm nowhere close to having some of the traits from certain people I idolize, but I'm still way better than the person five years ago who didn't finish grad school, and was working at a pizzeria while living at my parents' place. I take some solace in that, and it takes the edge off when I remember.

Kept the computer off after my post last night. Every little window I get away from these screens is another step closer back to building a better life. I don't really know why but I was absolutely exhausted when I woke up this morning. I moped around in bed for an hour, and just decided to work from home. Bad choice. I worked a full eight hours, but I was so distracted. I was taking long breaks. I kept wanting to go for my phone. It was dumb. Because of that, I ended up finishing work around 7. There was definitely some anxiety and self-doubt since I was struggling a bit with the thing I was working on. I hit some big roadblocks today and all the negativity came back. On the bright side though I did do a bunch of meditation today. I think it helped me calm down and not completely throw the day away. I'm going to clean up my apartment a bit to clear my head. Will have another chance to make tomorrow better.

I actually followed through on everything I said I'd do last night. Woo. Today was a great day. Got up earlier today though that was pretty easy given I passed out on my couch again. Struggled at the driving range a bit, but it was nice to get out early. Had a separate golf outing thingy with a couple of friends from the old workplace and everyone had a lot of fun, which was great since none of them golf. Watched some football. And now I'm turning off my computer so I can do productive stuff. All in all, I didn't spend that much time on my computer today besides the football. This is another big weekend win. Peace.

Yeah, it's hard isn't it? It's amazing how those thoughts can drift in when we least expect it, even flying in the face of the facts at hand. I think the only way to lessen those feelings is to do things that give you true worth and connect with people. Hopefully, one can build the neural circuitry that changes the default to valuable and connected, rather than worthless and isolated. Until then, we roll with the punches.

My man! Get it!

Today was meh. I cancelled my golf outing earlier in the week so I had nothing to do today, which is always dangerous. Didn't get up super early, but I did clean up a bit and practiced at the driving range. Fixed some stuff at the house when I got back. Did some studying on the happiness course I neglected for a while. I also firmed up plans for a gathering tomorrow which I am organizing. It feels good when people want to hang out with me, even if I have to put in the work. I stopped doing that for years because I felt unlikable, but I also didn't realize that I was pushing people away by not inviting them, since a lot of people feel the same way I do. Perspective. So some good stuff from today. Not so good stuff from today, too. On my computer a bit too much today, including around meals. But, it's early, and if I turn off my computer now on a Saturday, that's a huge win. Instead of going on my computer for the rest of the night. I'm going to clean up some, get back on my dating apps, and either meditate or workout. Adios.

I laughed really hard at this. I don't think I was expecting that 😄 Keep on that dating grind. It's hard to say if it's you or them. It's all about the match. And since you reminded me, I'll stop being a pussy myself and get on my dating apps after my post. Thanks.

Today was good! Had my most productive work-from-home day period. Made some really good progress on a deliverable. Had a good conversation with the project lead. Didn't mess around too much on the internet. All good. Overall, anxiety was low. Had a golf lesson later, and my coach loaned me a set of really nice clubs that he'd promised to. Overall, my swing has gotten a lot better. The lessons are difficult though as once I get comfortable with the feel from one change, another gets added, then another, and another... Sometimes, it can be a bit frustrating. Towards the end though, we started to work on distance finally, and that made my caveman brain happy. After work though, I got nothing and I'm bored out of my mind. I chased it with the internet, but I'm stopping now instead of going into the morning. I didn't catch myself when it started happening. I'll try to be more vigilant about it tomorrow and reach out to some friends. I will be much more mindful about my time tomorrow since I have nothing planned at the moment.

Being in the moment is great, especially for us overthinkers. It's like a glimpse into another universe--"oh, you mean I can actually enjoy life?!" I've been working at this too, trying to meditate more recently, and pressure testing myself with golf and work (albeit unintentionally). Do you meditate at all? How have you been trying to live in the moment more--just by intention?

Today was hard. I had to work from home today since I needed to have a professional headshot taken, and the guy didn't have a studio, and there was no way I was going to be allowed to bring visitors to the office. There were just too many distractions and I was very tempted to go on my phone. Lot of anxiety still. However, most of the times I was on my phone was for scheduling a get-together for golf on Sunday. I also made sure I got my key goal done for this thing I'm working on. Also, I woke up at 2 AM last night and stayed up for three hours like an idiot. So, while I didn't do myself any favors today, I worked through it. After work I hit the driving range for a little as a reward for gritting through it. I'm starting to understand my swing better. I also asked that woman out again, and got the same response about "timing." There's a lot of stuff going on in this woman's life right now so I get it, but I know all well that this could just be reluctance/rejection. So I won't wait on this person, but if the opportunity presents itself down the road, cool. Really trying to chase the dragon on the internet right now. I should just do dishes and go to bed.

Congrats on the new job, and sorry to hear about the pay and family issues. You can't pick family, unfortunately. Mind if I ask--are there parts of being a therapist that you enjoy?

@championeal, yeah it's weird. It's all habit--it's not any different than people biting their nails or how they brush their teeth. It's easy to lose track of stuff like that. --- Got off my laptop last night and worked out again. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. Today was hard. Anxiety was high all day at work. Was beating myself up a lot. It's a new job so I doubt myself a lot. that's probably going to be like that for a while until I gain more experience and begin to feel more competent. I wanted to go on the internet and goof off all day, but even on my breaks, I got no relief. I couldn't escape the feeling. I left work today really drained. I'm really tired right now. Spoke with my therapist tonight, and we both agreed that it was likely just new job jitters. It's just another challenge. There are a lot of areas in my life which were neglected which are challenges now. It's all good, as long as I'm still trying to fix it. I'm feeling a lot calmer after talking to my therapist. Mid-week is pretty mundane I guess. Gratitude: therapists, chili, taking risks, working out, sleep, spending less time on the computer.

Last night went well for the most part. I worked out again. However, I did go back on my laptop to lookup a workout that I wanted to do, since I forgot some details. That was basically the extent of it though. No big deal there. Today was a mixed bag. I was very anxious at work, and whenever I was feeling anxious, I wanted to reach for my phone. I had to meditate a lot at work today to keep my focus. I got a better hold on it towards the end of the day, though. I think the time away from the computer is exacerbating things since I naturally tend to think about all the stuff that I've put off and should be doing differently (funny how that works). I just need to keep focusing on acting towards resolving my issues, and with time that will change the image of myself and make me more confident overall. The more time I stay in the present the better person I'll become. I'm going to logoff now. I have some dishes to do and I need to workout. If I have some extra time I'll cook some stuff that I was planning on tomorrow.