Hitaru

It's ok, @ChewyChickenBones, take your time.

Amazing progress man. There's so much going on in your life lately. It's really inspiring, and I mean it, how you try to take things as they come despite they can overwhelm you sometimes with emotions, positive or negative. What do you think? This "grip" you are developing in your life, letting everything come to you and experiencing the way it was meant to, instead of retreating into games or whatever and bottle them up inside? Do you think it's a positive change or just meh? I'm no one to judge, but I believe you're handling it fine. Even if there's struggle it should be welcomed as a force of change. There's good inside you, you can do things with that power. Life is but a learning experience. [I try to not make it obvious but I have a huge crush on stoicism.] Best wishes to your mother, hope she turns alright ^^

We're rooting for you!

@Megaman True, I should analyze why it makes me so upset. Probably because she's the outside voice of my inner insecurities. Insecurities that I haven't overcome yet. For instance that guy who insulted me when returning from Portugal, I was upset about his unfairness because I wasn't sure about my own attitude, the key was I wasn't certain his reaction was justified or not. What I was 100% sure is his insults were a childish attempt to hurt me and so they flew past me. I wasn't upset about him, in reality I was upset about myself. In the end the only way to be hurt is if they hit you home somehow. About death, well, all of that is interesting but speculative. I try to theorise and have some kind of faith in something beyond but my subconscious is strictly scientificist (is that a word? It is in spanish). I can only picture the void as "the reasonable option" and the void scares the hell out of me. @Jay V Thanks for your support and dropping by! I'll reply you in English so give me a bit more time. But I'll reply.

I used to do this when I lived by myself about 7 years ago. My commute wasn't the same (I lived 10-15 minutes walk from work), but I got annoyed with the routine of coming home, cooking, cleaning, eating, and then going to bed when it was just me. It just seemed like a waste of effort for one person. So what I ended up doing was going to the markets really early on a Saturday morning (at about 5am), buying my weekly groceries fresh from the growers for about $50 a week, come home and spend the afternoon preparing and cooking all the food in giant pots. Then I bought a pack of takeaway containers from the supermarket (usually around 10 for $4), then portion it into the containers and mark them Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etc. Throw them all in the freezer and boom, all I had to do when I finished work during the week was walk home, chuck one container in the microwave while I was getting changed, then boom dinner was served. I loved it. I'd totally like to go back to that method but my wife hates the idea! I dislike it too for some subconscious reason, and it's a shame because it's just so convenient. Some kind of trauma with food put in plastic. I'm a "visual" guy and the food needs to look freshly made and appetizing. Don't be like me, astronaut planning for the win

But the lifestyle looks soooo goooood out there! A bit of drinking and partying won't hurt That's what they said to Spain, and then...

Glad to hear from you again, putting aside circumstances. The you that wants to please your parents is a fallacy we fall into to avoid taking full ownership for our actions. Clinging to an external expectation or validation makes working towards a goal easier: you don't have to worry about staying motivated or losing your objective, it will depend purely on someone else's feedback. It's something people do all the time and there's no reason to feel ashamed about it. Only be aware of when it happens. It's not the same case, but a story for a story: between 10 and 13, my father's problems with alcohol reached a tipping point and he was finally forced to leave my mother's home. Lived for a while in complete isolation in the countryside and then met a colombian woman online. They lived for years almost like beggars in some shady places, Cali, Bogotá's suburbs... saw some shit. Then my grandpa died and they came back desperate for a slice of a cake that wasn't quite so. Now they are living in poverty in a nearby town and aside from some menial conversations our relationship is completely stalled, from my part. I don't have anything to tell him. What he doesn't know is I'm actually waiting my opportunity to "be something" in life until I feel sure and with some kind of "moral authority" to take over the parent-son relationship and command him to get his shit together under my terms, in exchange for my respect/love and a safe old age under my wing. The arrangement would satisfy my ego and lift the frustration from his abandon. As if to prove him and myself that I can do better, and... therefore didn't deserve what he did, I guess. It's the first time I'm putting this thought into words and I must say it's being kind of intense. In my case I'm not working for his validation (or the same kind of validation), but in the end its the same, I'm making up the whole movie and taking the role I'm comfortable with for my emotional convenience, without having asked him once about his actual wants and needs. Even if my guess is his needs are not completely... what's the word... altruistic, let's say. Your father's mistakes are his own, you know that already and there's no need of giving you a gratuitous 'speech'. The best thing is you guys fix your relationship together. Make him part of the process instead of assuming by yourself what is he thinking about you or your worth. What you're currently doing is no less than outsourcing the foundation of your self-steem on a guess placed in the head of someone who can't even confirm it. To be honest I'm not sure it will be possible under this very particular circumstances and you probably shouldn't attach emotionally to any particular outcome, but try to take the best from what life deals to you. Take care man, hope it turns out well for you. We have your back as usual! Looking forward to keep reading you.

For the love of God, @Shine Magical, use the mention (@) function...

Almost there Damian! Rooting for you. Cravings come and go, but your choice remains. No matter if one or a thousand, you'll always have the last word. Be mindful and aware of this, the power that having the choice gives you. You choose, you live. Games don't do it for you.

Enhorabuena Jay, me emociona que te estés sintiendo así y estés viviendo estas experiencias reparadoras. Como tú dices, son tus primeros pasos en una vida en la que eres dueño de tus decisiones y tienes la oportunidad de vivir y sentir plenamente, sin aditivos. Ahora tú tendrás que empezar a establecer tus propios horarios y enfrentarte a nuevos desafíos, pero tengo plena confianza en que en tu interior tienes las herramientas y la voluntad que necesitas para superarlos, aunque haya veces que dudes o tengas dificultades, como todo el mundo alguna vez. Sin conocerte y por lo que escribes (y cómo escribes), puedo decirte con total sinceridad que creo que eres una persona muy válida, valiente y puedes cumplir lo que te propongas, sin importar lo que tardes o lo que cueste. Para todo lo demás, y para lo que necesites, tienes este diario para expresarte con total libertad, y también si tienes alguna duda o cuestión (sobre el foro o alguna cosa concreta de Game Quitters, aunque sea para una traducción) puedes escribirme cuando quieras. Esta comunidad está para apoyarte. ¡Mucho ánimo Jay, sigue así!

You know, @Cam Adair is right. It's not intense, I make it intense. I could have chosen to react by saying "Yeah, whatever you say", but I didn't. That's on me, it's my own responsibility. She brings out the worst of me, no one should spend a second with people who do that for sport. The part that wants to game just wants to escape from any kind of practical and moral responsibility that comes with the plain fact of being alive and eventually dying. Simply that. It wants to escape. But there's no escape. The moment I play is the moment I hide from reality. It's pointless, delusional. Either I die in fear and despair, or I die at peace with myself. That's my daily question. I dislike the two options, my best choice is coming to terms with the second one. I'm committed to do it.

Shhh everyone, he must be busy getting married

Yes, it happened. I had urges and cravings for the game I quit last day. Really disappointing. Still, no real struggle... thanks to my ruthless approach of blocking everything that may stand a threat. Will this be a constant in my life? More than one year clean... Is this thing ever cured? I'm starting to think it doesn't. I won't allow anyone to call me an ill person anyway. Inside my ego at least. I'm awfully bored, and I'm fully aware it's my fault. Hm. I'm asked to do things sometimes, but I decline them in favor to have plenty of time for my pointless overthinking. I think I know the answer, doing the stuff that makes me anxious/guilty asap in the morning, to make way for the merrymaking with a clean conscience. I've been thinking about things to do in the community, for the community. We still have the same situation overall than the last time I made comment on it: awesome and friendly people but active members few in number. Small tries to do activities or annual/mensual things failed in the past from lack of commitment, however the journal input is going great. Which leads me to the other issue, most people here either relapse and go MIA or succeed and take fly to enjoy their new life 24/7. My guess is this lack of commitment in other things than journaling (and to a moderate extent, replying other journals) comes from sheer lack of 'passive peer encouragement'. That means threads in the other sections are anecdotal and pretty much dead, not much moves there. So I guess our first priority would be to ensure a steady number of active members, and then (or previously or simultaneously) a way to speed up the process of learning what is GQ about for newcomers and lurkers. What I've learnt from reading a bunch of journals is... people are actually making the same questions. All. The. Time. Of course I do as well, I re-write all the time wondering about things easily found in the YT videos or mentioned a thousand times already. These questions should be summarized in a quick guide or infographic to be mercilessly spammed, and canned links and messages readied to be handed when inevitably someone asks for the Nth time if they should quit cold turkey or that they feel cravings or in emotional flatline from quitting and not finding anything else fun. While still being engaging, personal and friendly. Hmm.

Life back to normal. Went to my training after a week and got a bit queasy, but I worked out like a beast. Currently 10 push-ups, that physical test is so fucking done.

If it works for you, go for that. Accepting flaws and shortcomings is of vital importance, but I still think you talk yourself down too much. I'm confident you'll find your way in a more 'zen' way tho. Your writing leaks a lot of a certain energy I'm sure you'll use to achieve the stuff you want. And nope, I'm not telling you the way you should be or pointing out a 'gigantic flaw' you should fix, heh. Do your thing in your own terms man, you know best what's going on in your life. Sorry if I sounded patronizing in the past, or you took it that way. Congrats on your exams and your job! (And your bald majesticness). Glad to see you around and that you're doing fine.

Nevermind, I guessed that a heartwarming animation film would fix my destructive anger and of course it worked. I watched 'Up' for the first time (been avoiding it until now for it's elderly themes) and after the due emotional breakdown I'm feeling pretty normal again. I'm not backing down with my mother tho, back to the silent treatment it is. It's what's been working best.

So today was the last day I would allow myself to play, since I'm already healthy and in dire need of doing exercise and normal routine. That's what I said, but I let it slip too much and had a lazy day today. Then my mother caught a glimpse of my gaming to kill time (mind that I still got up at a normal hour, ate and performed all my responsibilities) and said "Does your therapy allow to play again? I don't know, aren't you like an alcoholic? Does "your friend" (Cam) know about this?" and a battery of questions with that look and that tone. She doesn't know how much time I've been game-free despite being told many times in not so subtle requests of praise. She never asks "How are you doing?", "How's the community doing?". Never supports. Never hugs spontaneously, or gives words of encouragement. But give it one time, one god damned time in more than a year, one tiny cue and there, like flies to shit. "Doing things right is the normal. You don't get praised for doing your job". Remember that quote? How dare you, mother, to question my life when we've come this far and pictured ourselves already? You are now giving moral lessons on how to handle life to me!? You, the workaholic escapist who pretends to be an innocent retard on purpose to avoid having to answer to anyone? Maybe I was playing again because it's 2 weeks till one of the most important moments of my life (that you are by the way actively wishing for me to fail in private and public), I am absolutely TERRIFIED and I need help while also not wanting to dump my shit on anyone. Maybe I just needed a "Is something wrong?" from you? But no, you stupid sow, you had to come and do the single, most ineffective and mind-blowingly infuriating thing in the whole world, to shame and challenge my commitment with your revolting condescension. You can go to Hell, or rather much more flowery terms I'm thinking about in my (our) native language. I am not one to smile to someone and then bitch about them in a journal at their backs, so of course screams flew. The only reason I didn't beat her was because I was born a man and everyone would misinterpret the motivation of my violence on sexism. Again, the strongest sentiment was to keep my "class" intact. If I was a woman, I swear I would have slapped her. But I am not, so I'll humor my assigned part and remain perpetually peaceful. So yeah, I'll uninstall the game and act like nothing happened because I am detoxed and I am not the fucking mentally ill person you insist I am because the two most pedantic doctors I've ever met whispered something to you you three didn't have the guts to talk with me or sign in paper. Unless @Marquess is right and all my moral authority has vanished in just some hours and now I'm just playing offended as excuse. Then since I returned to gaming I should kill myself instead. But I won't yet. Suddenly I feel a compulsion to do some extra push-ups. Wasn't there an exam I had to pass? Edit: I blocked the .exe forever with Cold Turkey (so I can't download it again) and I'll be keeping it in my desktop. It will be a reminder that my mother doesn't believe in me

You better transform to a Healthytaru !!!!! Achieved. Mwahaha! Death anxiety on the rise lately. I feel restless, but I don't have a specific explanation. No panic attacks either, just intermittent peaks of high distress. Maybe it's just the time of the year? The climate? The reminder that sickness and physical decay exist? Sometimes feels really hard to not just despair and lose one's mind. What for? I can't change it. Useful things, focus on them.

Hoy debió ser el día que saliste entonces. ¡Felicidades! Estoy deseando leer el comienzo de tu nueva vida, mucho ánimo Jay.

The fact that you're only counting gives the whole thing a mysterious sense of anticipation. 15 to go!

Whoa man I don't check your journal for a little while and suddenly you're doing all this stuff, amazing! Really glad to see you're doing well. Cause you're doing well, even if you sometimes feel a downer. Nah. Doing well, trust me. I laugh a lot when you talk about latin dances. Got a friend who's totally crazy about them and I can relate so well to those tiny details (and girl problems lol). Tried to teach me once or twice. I'm a dancing potato. Also really appreciate the relationship you have with your family, looks healthy and harmonious. May have made me a tad emotional. F-for no special reason, ok!? Keep going Brad!

Setting up for success in advance, predict and prevent. Never fails Don't get discouraged, getting back on track is a pain in the ass, but you can do it.

You're not the first one to report this, your brain is seeing the end of the goal you set and is trying to negotiate. That's why the 90 days should be a milestone and a guide, but not absolute religious canon. My advice is to stay away from it if you're still feeling such strong urges. A simple hobby doesn't need to blackmail you. Glad you had a great weekend!

It needs to turn blue while editing the post to work, sometimes you need to go down a line, write the @ with the name and paste it back in place, like @Hitaru this. It's a minor bug I think. Quoting the whole thing instead of using @ to drop a single line, the pain is real lol. Maybe it's time to introduce some "Posting Guidelines" like the real OGs and maybe I'm the guy supposed to do it. About the loop thing that's completely normal man. My journal is longer than yours and if you read the beginning and end looks like worlds apart, but the parts in the middle is all about "I'm going to do this, erm not better that, ehh now I bail out, oh now I feel so bad, then I try another thing" and so on, so on. We're used to steady progress in video games. In general the more likely to fail the lighter the game punishes you for failing. At the very least you don't acquire "debt" with the game. That doesn't happen in life. Each try feels like a stone you put in a bag full of stones, and while you become stronger the bag also becomes heavier. But that's only because we have such a negative concept of failing, as if each failure took us a step closer to become a loser. Each failure is a step to become a winner, don't forget, ever. We're living the present and many times lose perspective. That's why we journal, not just as a bad feeling dumpster, the whole point is to check on the process of the journey. The journals must be revisited and re-read. If you really feel you haven't improved at all (which I tell you, is practically impossible), then you'll surely have the answer written down at some point. When the same problem persists, you are overthinking it. If you are writing about it, check back the beginning and be double or triple serious about the first answer you proposed. That usually is the good one. When I arrived to the forum the first thing I said is: No Porn, No Games, No mindless browsing, No laying on the couch all day, Sport and Go outside, a job and independence. It's been almost two years now. The rest of the journal? Basically a lengthy repetition and tries of that mantra, I can bet you. We had the answer from the beginning, the problem was always how much did we really want to commit.

Welcome to the forum! If you want Cam to see you mentioning him right away, you can do it like this: @Cam Adair (it needs to turn blue). Everyone loves praise after all! It's always inspiring to read someone saying they used to lurk and took the leap. I used to be a lurker too, so I understand your feelings of uncertainty and concern for your privacy (and ego! It hurts to publicly admit certain things). It's a matter of taking the initiative, consciously ending the role of spectator when you begin to feel you are not anymore in a position of learning but also procrastinating taking part. Honestly speaking, I wish more people would join the conversation, regardless if they have a problem with gaming or not. That's the purpose of a forum, right? Congrats on your 4 months and your child! We have several members who struggle or struggled with parenthood and gaming, such as @giblets, @WorkInProgress or @wookieshark88, so you're not alone in this as well. Wookie's been away for a while but surely the other two will love two support you in that topic. Looking forward to those insights!