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Hello Game Quitters. Unfortunately it took me too long to update you guys. I had a lot of things going on this month and on my mind in real life. Obviously I do my best to do me and ignore things that is not giving me value and affecting my personal and professional life. I don't care what is going on in the news and what is going on politically in general, especially watching the wrong types of contents on YouTube that is not valuable and teaching me new skills. I'm honestly still thinking a lot of things in my real life while typing this update in general because there is a lot going on right now. ....I did successfully exercise both strength and cardio...before today and yesterday it was a lot of miss days and successful fitness days...it's a lot. Now hopefully the following weeks I'll be in the same consistencies in general with fitness. I'm still valuing Stoicism with a capital S, not lowercase s. I'm still doing well in general too. So I'm going to weight in myself with my FitTrack Dara Scale and get ready for today and have a good day Game Quitters members.

Unless something is wrong, I think an 18-year old adult is normally able to get by on their own in a society, either by working or studying at the university. Yes, many parents support their kids by paying (a part of) their rent or send them an X amount every month, but I don't think the support is normally too critical. There are some exceptions of course (handicapped kids or severely ill parents), but I'd say that unless you yourself want to be a "people manager" for your dad and "weaker individuals celebrator" for your mom, you shouldn't do that, simply because wasn't/isn't your choice. Their health will naturally get worse over time and if at (your) 40 the situation will be the same, you will be the number 1 person to take care of their checkups, shopping etc. I'm not writing this as a bad thing, but you must count with that as a realistic future outcome, and consider, if it's something you want to happen and then commit to.

(May 20) The main thing I thought (for a few reasons) was that my parents needed me to be their friend, because I didn't completely ditch them for my own friends. After long periods spent online, I came back to the 'real' world (whether at the end of a day/week/month/year) and just felt sorry for them. I think how my younger brother went about his youth was natural and yet sad, because we had smartphones and the internet to - potentially - keep us connected. His phone's unavailable/answering machine message for awhile was simply a 'horse' noise - which I took to mean 'I'm busy galloping around with the other young steeds'. I barely made any similar choices, but in the 6 months after my first (and arguably only meaningful) break up, I looked around - online and offline - for validation/acceptance and couldn't find it. So by the end of 2013 (having seen so many posters at uni offering shared rent, having spent 1 dutiful year working and also being in a volunteering experience), I was saying to myself and eventually my family that "I'm just going to go and be me, without any ties (unless you guys are in some sort of crisis, perhaps?)." I remember one or both of my parents asking incredulously, "What's all this about you moving out?" Either it would have been irresponsible to let me to properly join society as I was, or they needed me - because I just couldn't sense enough concern for my wellbeing. I've caught myself thinking that even though I was enough of my own person, the real need of my parents has merely been for confirmation that their job was 'done'. I mean, I don't think it was ever about concern for me - I would have to become an effective 'people manager' for my dad, or making sure 'weaker individuals' were always heard and celebrated for my mom, no matter how I actually saw things. I did try, by the way, but even that pleased them little. Now, I feel like saying (especially since my Dad won't allow the past to be brought up) that it's too late to encourage me to now make the same choices that I would have at age 19. I've adapted too much to the role of filling empty spaces in other people's lives to suddenly demand that everyone else take a now-30-year-old's unmet needs seriously, clearly. _____________ But maybe this is just one of those 'walls of hate' that was mentioned coming from older members here on the forum, and I'm just incensed from not learning much about what was promised in a 1 hour+ video I just watched's title. Maybe just I'm sad that I may have to carve out a future with newly-chosen words outside of this apartment just to fit in (again), even if I'm not being 'me'. _____________ Gratitude: ~ a good night's sleep ~ essentially-worded replies to both recent and 'difficult' posts in this journal ~ low potential for conflicts ~ this 2L water bottle Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 19.05 Day 598: No Useless Videos Day 595: Sticking to Food schedule Day 199: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 190: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 16: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -4 potential job places visit -Continuing process with 1 job place I want -Again got over sleepiness 1 Thing I could do better -Prioritize health - sleep 8 hrs, not 7 6 or 5

I don't have the work/living history mapped out for you and your family, so I don't know if the following is the case. Regardless, if your parents still support you in one way or another, they will want to have some influence over your life. The more existential the support is, the more influence they will exercise. Worse yet, they can still picture you as a child. Once you "break free" of their influence (e.g. by getting a job and paying the rent yourself or moving), they will have no choice but to treat you as an equal. The above was certainly the case with me. I even fell back into that situation when I moved back in with my parents after finishing my army career. It's not something parents will tell their kids outright, but good parents should create incentives to make their kids independent. I got such an incentive when my parents imposed rent on me (for living in their house). I moved out to the student dorms (single room) in autumn 2019 and I guess my expenses/rent stayed more or less the same. 2020 was of course corona year, but I very much preferred to stay in the company of fellow students at the dorm than to move back home again. Really one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have just a few good friends, because I don't have much time to gather a bigger network. I also have work in the evening, meaning my socializing is mostly done with my students and they actually form a big part of my social life. It's an odd situation, because if I am presented with having lessons/working with my students and going out with (my) acquaintances, I mostly choose my students, because I paradoxically know them more, get paid and I also know the atmosphere will be positive and I know there won't be any strange dramas.

Entry 18.05 (Written on 19.05) Day 597: No Useless Videos Day 594: Sticking to Food schedule Day 198: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 189: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 15: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Planned the week -Cleaned two windows and dust on the table -Got over two energy falls(Sleepiness) 1 Thing I could do better -Move myself a bit faster especially during food prep so that I'd leave home earlier and come back earlier and wouldn't have to cut shower short

May 19 Early sleep, early rise. Two vivid dreams: 1) being lost in a countryside, accidentally travelling further away from the city and encountering more and more obstacles + 2) doing some competent skiing, but accidentally snapping one ski in two (it was made entirely of wood, lol) then ditching the poles as well, in the hope of just replacing everything for free! - (I typed those so I can remember for later) I was also drawn to a video (I hope not to get anyone stuck on a watching-spree) about pain and pleasure, and seeking pain instead - so that unexpected pleasure is more fulfilling. I had a few thoughts/reflections on this. 1) In 2010's mid-year Winter, I swam weekly in a 50 metre outdoor pool, first inspired by a friend who gamed with me. He has since passed away young a few years ago - one schoolmate of both of ours said that 'he was always pushing it (the 'envelope') further and further', but (I'm told) his life actually ended with one or a couple of bad recreational choices. It makes me wonder if others pressured him. Back during 2010, I also took entirely cold showers. It was the moments of 'steeling' myself before entering the water that carried over to other activities like starting an essay, or opening my maths books for homework - after choosing a good moment to turn off the TV in the evening and commence action (albeit while my mom watched as well <.<). I still finish showers with cold water, but after a first half of warm and usually post-exercise, or if I'm to go out and meet someone. I don't remember consistently feeling as acutely alive, or maybe even as productive, as I did then. I think those new actions of mine were strongly in part to simply knowing that my friend existed and that he swam many mornings a week, before the sun had even come up, among his other efforts. 2) With gaming, but only alongside stable studies, I was able to focus on on-screen results when I had spare time, and sometimes I felt even detached from the rush of images when 'travelling', or honed in on 'combat', and watched mine and other players' choices of clicks really naturally. Most of that happened pre-medication, though there was a last 'gasp' of it in 2016. Then, existence became, ironically, painfully mindful. So I often haven't actually had to try so hard; I remember more clearly the pleasure that usually follows pain, and I also remember the most effective processes (for me) in the gym, or outdoors. 3) But with socialising, I've felt like medication has held me back. Sure, I don't prance around in a high-pitched voice, babbling about anything and everything when potentially manic anymore - I was functional then, it was just that I 'got along' with a lot fewer people. The trouble is, I keep hearing and affirming that having 'a few good friends' is sometimes best. Having been reading my old ethics textbook for 'fun', I also feel compelled to be as good as I can whilst thinking independently/for myself about issues - also as medication has kept me mostly agreeable when there is also an activity to focus on. ^ I would have mentioned some of these things to my psychiatrist already and had a medication review, but it's only officially planned for early next year, unless I have a crisis. I sometimes guess that the way I type concerns other people (as well as myself, sometimes) enough to think that I'm actually already in one. My old care team is only a stroll away, is what I keep in mind, for now. --> So what positive experiences have come out of choosing to take pains for you guys? ______________ Gratitude: ~ being able to use earphones while lifting with a 'hex' bar ~ letting some odd, but effective in rhythm, music play during ^ ~ my dad sending what I saw as a tentative message online (one medium) instead of to my phone (the other medium), almost at the same time as my unblocking his number; I feel more open to pain after motivating myself for a few weeks, but not at the hands (or thumbs) of my phone - so I still pray for mercy there ~ warm clothes when I'd had enough of shorts and open windows Long time since last post (heh) - peace, and hope to read more of y'all ~ Matt

It's surely only part of the story, but my way to cope with message overwhelm is that I first turned off my whatsapp notifications. So that I don't hear them or it doesn't vibrate and i don't have the phone flashing from it. Then I just set a habit of opening it only once a day along with any social media(Even if I accidentally open it because I need some data and see some messages I do not answer unless its related to a current task directly.) Also If I really need someone I do allow myself to call them. And if it was important enough to call them or physically do some action, then I may use messages as part of what I'm "currently doing", this takes effort to create like any other habit, but I think it's more useful than blocking anyone. In this case at least I'll have the opportunity to see and respond to what they have to say 🙂 Hope this helps.

May 17-18 Friday: Woke up late but went straight to the park for a ~1 hour jog. Called the social club as we arranged last week if I slept in/couldn't come, and talked for a bit. Then I headed straight out to a men's group event somewhat far away, and almost messed it up on public transport. Saturday: Another late morning (9am), and figured I needed to stretch my legs walking before a gym visit in a little while. It's been colder and windier today, so I put on some music over the howling noise and discomfort of it all. Gratitude: ~ the lads took it easy on me, maybe just for arriving 10 minutes late, perhaps as well as deciding to miss last Sunday's gym event on Mother's Day ~ escaping unhurt from crossing a few lanes of traffic when late ~ the chicken burger dinner I had at the event last night; the slab of meat was a very funny shape, and stuck out around the sides lol ~ everyone I see around in places who are still doing kitchen work and who are getting 'in the zone' ___________ It's been 7-10 days since I texted back-and-forth with my dad. His heart may well have been in it, but I just don't see it, and keep letting myself become infuriated. His phone number is blocked at the moment (but we're still on social media, with the last friendly message sent being mine), because even after him saying that he would be using it to 'reach' me, I couldn't take his style; staring at my phone, wondering how to respond thoughtfully enough with my two thumbs at my smartphone. Whilst being on these forums, with the two social groups and generally outside on my own may get me most of what I need, it's tough and yet maybe healthy not relying on one source of it all, especially when I'm so frequently upset with the relationship. I still split the rent with my dad, and even though there's tons of emotional regulation work for both of us regarding people whose strengths are quite obviously equal to ours, I can hardly just say that to him because I think I'll probably hear something like 'it's all on you, Matt - and maybe the rent should be too'. That's really tough. Anyway, peace guys. ~ Matt

Entry 17.05 Day 596: No Useless Videos Day 593: Sticking to Food schedule Day 197: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 188: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomdoros -7 hrs deliveries -didn't accept the last delivery in order to get back home in the agreed time with apartment mates 1 Thing I could do better -When feeling sleepy do visualization

11 May - 16 May: I spent most of 11 May (Saturday) writing my report and organizing myself for days to come. I think I got some good work done overall, or at least started on the projects: 1) I visited my family on Sunday. We went through the next moves regarding my grandma's kitchen. I want to do something, but intelligently and not in a rush. 2) I visited my general practitioner on Monday, asked for and got vouchers to visit four other inspections: two X-rays (one of my feet and one of my thorax), to a proctologist and an ear doctor. I have four or five inspections coming in the next week; I'm also going to visit my dentist. Also used a dishwasher for the first time in my life, though we don't have that many dishes to fill it 😄 3) Finished filing my taxes on Tuesday. 4) "Researched" a surprise for my girlfriend - a skating course on Wednesday. Also looked into getting us mosquito nets for windows. Both are still in process. Went to my mom's exhibition of paintings in the evening. 5) Had 7 courses of English on Thursday (yesterday), so I didn't have much time to do anything else. 6) On top of that, the usual stuff. Sadly, I also watched porn three times after being clean for about a month. I reached out to my girlfriend who in turn reached our to her therapist, whom she meets for specialized support to deal with her eating disorder/bulimia.

I think the assumption in the first paragraph is correct; it is possible to have a meaningful time/life without owning much. I would say that the average Western citizen today has "more money" than they have "mental health". Money doesn't necessarily solve mental health on its own, though you can change it for therapy and other things. In fact, I think money can sometimes show mental health, such as with people who borrow money for holidays or Christmas gifts. Don't ask me why, I don't know either 😄 As for the next paragraph, I think even if somebody "has it all figured out", I think it still takes effort to keep all the things together. Entropy is real and new information becomes available over time. So, I think it's possible to have most of the "answers of life" correct, but this intellectual exercise is nothing compared to putting these answers into practice. The last one is interesting. I think I read something a long time ago that said that if people wrote in a too complicated and verbose way, they a) wanted to impress by being incomprehensible and b) thought to be superior to others who don't know the vocabulary. I like to be creative with words and to play with the vocabulary myself, but at the end of the day, language is for communication with other people. I often break down language to basic elements (or change the level of my speech) to help my students understand - i.e. "talkative" is "somebody who talks a lot". I wouldn't have a job otherwise 😄

Thank you very much. I'm grateful for your support and I hope you're doing well too. I'll be back eventually more longterm. I started work again and just had tons of family drama. Very overwhelmed lol. But it's gonna be ok.

Entry 16.05 Day 595: No Useless Videos Day 5921: Sticking to Food schedule Day 196: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 187: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Going to an interview -4 hrs of physical activity -8 pomodoros even though i got delayed in interview 1 Thing I could do better -Try avoid dozing off, or limit it more

i'm still going well - no formal relapse. from time to time, negative exposure to remind myself why i quit- but i know what i want. porn is just unappealing at this point- it doesn't cover any needs, and my cravings, too, are now channeled elsewhere (talking to real people, yay). so, day 16ish. longest i've had in awhile. let's keep moving. -- personal reflection: been feeling down a lot. it takes a conscious effort of letting myself reflect and rest, but i don't always do those in the correct sequence- like now, when i really should clean up my space, journal about what's bugging me, and then get here. the reason this is my response to stress, i think, is b/c i've conditioned myself to go to GQ when i don't feel well. maybe it does help, but certainly, journaling should come first as the most steadfast and reliable way of moving through my feelings! beyond that, exciting changes to my life coming to place- i'm quitting my job, moving a different city, and solidifying my long-term plans into concrete visions. a slow process, but i've learned that i'm not someone who can ever do it overnight. just persist, and i will get there.

wow, thank you for this- i'm realizing how much more closed off i've been w/ a lot of people around me. i'm not making that effort of reaching across, and i've been making plenty of my relationships superficial. i really should give people more of a chance! glad the book resonated w/ you; perhaps i should revisit it myself haha

Hey! It seems like we both took a pause from being here. Just wanted to say that I care and think of you- thank you for all your vulnerability and persistence. It means a lot to see you trying to live your best. You're an incredible person!

I still remember to work on my body, too. I'm going to start by riding a bike to work. I also want to introduce strength training into my routine. It's hard at first, but I'm not going to stop. Thank you for help!

Entry 15.05 (Written on 16.05) Day 594: No Useless Videos Day 591: Sticking to Food schedule Day 195: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 186: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -about 22 hr fast -4 hrs of physical activity -cutting deliveries short so that I arrive to pickup the groceries from my apartment mate and get it to home on time. 1 Thing I could do better -Such a small thing - 5 minutes that I need to designate in the evening to journaling, and i do not do even that.... If I do not accomplish such a small thing how may I expect to accomplish the big ones? Get it done!

May 15-16 So I wrote the next paragraph down by hand yesterday - I want to show the difference between more artistic posts at the keyboard and the following; it feels more frantic and desperate, which is why I never liked it much. It may improve if I keep it up, but yesterday I scared myself with something like 100 words written without remembering to blink. -> "I've done almost as much self-motivation as possible in silence, without 'excessive' stimulation, and alone. My earphones stopped working 2 weeks ago. Whoever were responsible for realising society, I thank, for it led to the creation (eventually) of my favourite music. This existence - 🤕 - of mine flourished at a time when so much good music had already been made, and was readily available, so I didn't have to do much detailed creation. What I did do, alongside my natural imagination, strengthened certain pathways that I must now nurture, at least in significant enough part, to continue to move 'forward'. So, I shall seek out new earphones and replay music accordingly, and with peaceful intent." ^ It doesn't help that I've reviewed too much of my left-handed writing and compared it occasionally with others' in the past, - deciding who and what our 'styles' may reflect - that's partly why I like web posts. I think I'd like to keep them separate, but since that entry was about earphone/personally chosen music use, I want to ask everyone whether it's something that should be avoided unless brought up in conversation/for appropriate, shared listening - you know, for social/personal development reasons. That's all. ___________ Gratitude: ~ I might actually finish reading 'The 100 year old man who, etc' ~ Doing almost nothing yesterday except buying low-price earphones, which might explain today's first, energetic walk ~ Having something and deciding to write felt like brain exercise ~ It is kind of sad, but I was grateful for being able to avoid a few people when I felt I was just walking around like an open wound Huzzah! ~ Matt

Entry 14.05 (Written on 15.05) Day 593: No Useless Videos Day 590: Sticking to Food schedule Day 194: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 185: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros and I would've finished the analysis post and started the video script, but it wouldn' allow me to add a form so I 've had to tinker with it. I do feel I'm making much more progress now with a sense of urgency, after the post of two days ago -4 hrs of physical activity -1.5 hrs job search 1 Thing I could do better -Still look for a way to journal in the evening. I did leave the time for it in this case but I decided to use it to masturbate. Which is also not so bad, I think it was the right choice. I haven't done that for a long time and it's a great practice for health, especially with the frequency I do it

I felt I had to suggest at least something, so it is weightlifting again. It is like playing, but warm up first! Have you ever played tug-of-war (two opposite teams pulling a rope) as a kid or found something way too heavy to pick up? Right there are my 2 favourite moves, all this time. I think people can learn about their bodies just like their minds, and it might help.

Day 25 to 39 Wow, I didn't realise how long it has been until now! I haven't played games any further, even though I have been a little tempted in the last week. I went on holiday last week (though still in the UK) with some friends. Two of them spent most of the holiday indoors playing games, which I found sad considering we were somewhere new and the weather was mostly lovely. It did tempt me a little, and I imagined excusing myself with the idea of "Oh, I could just play on his console, that's not the same thing...". I also ended up talking about games a bit - both to them and to a stranger I met while I was on a walk. I was pleased that I pushed myself to do a couple of long walks alone along the coast, rather than just stick with those friends, who tend to be even more stationary than I am. I also went on a very short walk with one of them, but she wasn't fit enough to go further. Then I spent the weekend with another friend, which was amazing. She has never gamed and when I'm with her I forget games even exist. She's one of the few people I know who are really into nature and exercise, so we went for a long walk on Saturday, then a swim and a walk on Sunday. Admittedly, I pushed myself past my energy limits, but I don't regret it. Self-management Routine - I didn't manage to keep to any routine while on holiday, and my mood the week before was low so I couldn't care enough about it. Eating - I've been eating just about enough while on holiday, although it hasn't been structured. Leaving the house - I pushed myself to leave the house every day of the holiday, and I feel really good about the amount of walking I've been doing.

Yesterday and the day before yesterday I played until 11 p.m. (it was worse, but still bad). I don't play to play. I play to talk to someone, to have fun with someone. Similarly, I go to twitch.tv because I know there is someone on the other side. I don't know if it's an addiction or a feeling of loneliness. I have people around me who love me and whom I love. Maybe I'd like to meet someone new. I don't know. I didn't follow any of my rules during those days, but I tried to stick to them. I didn't let go completely. Well, two days in a row it didn't work out, but nothing happened, I continue my journey.

May 14 Gaming/games in general fascinate me now as an idea. Our shared social failings as gamers on my chosen RPGs were glaring for years before my 2023 detox. Also that there are new games coming out all of the time surely demonstrates some sort of common need to conquer new challenges without leaving a seated position. Take even soccer, my childhood sport, as a game. Until we as teenagers became too moody even to accept a team-building exercise of rugby one night (using the oval-shaped ball), the best part of being in the team was actually the training, for me. Representing a relatively well-off suburb in the Winter probably added to our sense of having 'made it' in terms of food/clothing/shelter. The year we disbanded was actually the most stable for me, as I'd started grinding my RPG in a very repetitive, 'nooby', yet 'structured' way. That combined with emotional music was enough for me. Funny. ^ But last year, I read the near-conclusion of a book that 'poverty of the soul' was one 'part' of society's actual problem. That phrase returns several google results as well. Another book, recommended by the same person, detailed one tough-but-rewarding day in a forced labour camp last century. I'm wondering what my beneficial struggle ought to be and at what point in-between offline and online it will be at. If spirituality is just cyclical, say, would I do almost exactly the same things again but not expect different results - except perhaps increased raw knowledge? AND alot of ^ that is an attempt to justify going back to those first gaming habits. On the weekend I asked the mate I was with to confirm what someone who's transcended all of their life's challenges looks like - whether they sit back in a chair (complacently?) and just watch/listen to the rest of us until they are asked to give advice or something, or what? He said 'yeah'. My parents wanted me to have their actual and verbose answers to most of my questions, I think. So I was never satisfied online when people put them too simply. That also led me to believe that, when among most of my peers, my answers were the best - and that I had them all. I don't think that's done all the good it was meant to, put simply. :') So I say to the ether, 'Your move, chief.' ~ Matt Edit: 2 songs to evoke emotion = Fisherman's Blues (The Waterboys) + The Black Swan (Story of the Year)