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  2. Hi everyone, I'm new here! I'm a 22 years old guy from Hungary, and I've had enough. Enough of wasting ALL my time on gaming that doesn't benefit me neither short or long term (I know that gaming DOES have some benefits regarding brain activity, but I'm way past that). I've had enough of distancing myself from my family, my girlfriend, my cat (!) and my real life friends in favor of gaming all day and all night. I've had enough of not being up to par in my university studies, and I've sure as hell had enough of raging because of some stupid game. I basically gamed through my entire life, I remember having played Medal of Honor Underground back when I still went to kindergarten... jeez. I played all kinds of single player games and I loved those the most that had great storytelling. I also played Team Fortress 2 and CSGO competitively, always trying to be better, and wasting all my time in the process. I basically became one with my gaming avatar. (And I was still average at multiplayer games). Weirdly, the game I loved most, ever, was Undertale. I had so many latent ambitions and goals and dreams, but they were always suppressed by the urge to play some more. I neglected everything around me and felt shameful about it, even hated myself about it. Even hated the world about it, because it seemed so unfair. That some people achieve so much while I struggle to even stop playing for a day... Even worse, I love everything about video games, it sometimes is one of the greatest art form in my mind. Basically all the internet content I consume is about gaming or creating games. Still, it is time to change, and I will try to do a 180° and put my life in the right direction. If you managed to read through this, maybe leave a comment or something, and have a nice day! And if you haven't read this, have a nice day anyway. Or night.
  3. TTT

    90 days

    Day 25-26 (tue): Addictive stuff: No games but erotic stuff. Also, a dcoffee and a small glass of wine. And a small jar of crappy non-shitty food I shouldn't have gotten. Why did I get that? Up to now I managed to keep off most things. Unfortunately, this includes most positive things as well. Reading a book now on building and breaking habits, to approach it more systmatically. Tried a couple of things and they seem useful.
  4. Yesterday
  5. Thank you all for the kind words. I have to remember that I'm not alone, and others are going through exactly what I'm going through. I've decided to really take a hard look at my health. For so long I've forgot myself in video games, not focusing on what's important, and what will help me fulfill my dreams and goals. I've always locked myself in a room and gamed until I had to go to work the following Monday. Now, after about two months of not gaming, I'm really looking into other hobbies, interests, health concerns, etc. I've decided to pick up piano lessons and learn Spanish. These are easy things I can do in the meantime while I try and focus on my job, and more importantly my health. I recently found out I have a Traumatic Brain Injury, this has caused a hormonal imbalance which has greatly affected most of my life. I would have never understoodnd my problem unless I quit gaming, to allow me more focus into my problems. Now I can make appointments to get on TRT + HCG, or Clomid to fix my testosterone issues, and HBOT (Hyperbaric oxygen therapy) to fix my cognitive defects inherit from my TBI (Traumatic Brian Injury). I feel very optimistic now. I know exactly what is wrong with me, and why I decided to isolate and, forgot, life. Instead biding my time with an endless stream of video games. Now I can focus on fixing myself, and doing things that will help me in the future. A small business? That's in the works. Lose 30lbs of fat and get in shape? I'll be doing that as soon as I get on medication. Fix my brain, so I can actually think properly again? HBOT. Get that camper Van and fix it up to start traveling again? As soon as I get back from the field. I still am highly addicted to video games, but I've chosen to 'forgot' them, and put them far out of my mind. I still have many problems, but at least now I'm facing them.
  6. Day 40 | Work: 16p | Music: 2p | Misc: Taking it a bit more chill at work because of the sickness, but I'm quite proud of myself that I'm able to keep up despite of it. I've relapsed many times around days 40-45 and I'm starting to see some patterns emerge. Maybe it's because of the extra anxiety and just general unwellness, but I've been checking the cyberpunk2077 subreddit ~2 times per day. I've also watched quite a long chunk of day9 playing MTG on youtube when I was feeling really horrible on sunday evening and I couldn't think of anything else to watch. I watched about 20 more minutes of it today during dinner before my roommate got home lol. I don't feel any cravings, but I know that my addict can be very sneaky and this is his way of avoiding my conscious barriers to start the triggers going. So despite forgetting about gaming more and more as the days go by, I've been now reminded of them. I've seen the visuals, heard the sounds, seen the gameplay, seen the personalities. I need to cut it out and get back on the forgetting process. This is a chapter of the past in my life, there is no longer space for it. I am no longer a person who watches gaming videos during lunch. I will be putting on Alex Moukala again, even though it's not very exciting at times. Or JunkieXL's studio time series. Those are pretty damn exciting all the time actually. Going to sleep at 0:30 and shooting for getting up at 7:30. I need to do this, start building up those habits. The structure and connection to people is the thing that will hold me back from relapsing when willpower gets exhausted. I'm still vulnerable because my habits are shit, so wish me luck tomorrow morning 🤞
  7. Fear of failure - Days 19,20 Hey guus how's it going. Forgot to post yesterday so I'm doing it now before bed. At work I've been getting a lot of anxiety. Not even about work. I just feel like a failure when at work. It's like I'm at roxk bottom. And when I'm done with work for the day I'm extatic, feel so much more relaxed. An hour ago i took a cab to a place. I talked with the driver and he talked abput how he works 17 hours a day. And that triggered anxiett that i will end up like him and have no life. I feel like I'm just living out of fear of failing. I don't know if thats an okay mentality right now. On another note I decided I'm gonna take a copywriting course which lasts 3-6 months. I'm not sure if im going because of fear. But i feel like im making the right decision. I was at a friends house and now im going home. I need to get up for work in 5 hours wish me luck boys. Have a wonderful day as always.
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Thanks! If you think you left out something crucial in that old post, feel free to post it now. As for my specific matters, I will post my plans here, as I already do and write about the results. Day 87: The work was fine, though I have the suspicion I feel a bit down the last few days. The weather outside strangely enough corresponds with that, it has been raining quite a lot. I wrote down a few more relationship thoughts. I responded to the girl and hanged out with an Icelander I met a week ago nearby. I just got back.
  9. Day 228.  No games, day 23 +previous total of 176.I didn't do my 2 goals for today, reeeee!Checklistnegativity free: I had some paranoid thoughts that I dealt with properly avoided eating animals: yes, 5 days streak afaik1 gratitude practice per day: none yet, strike that, this journal helps me remember things to be grateful about, so yes1 fruit per day: yes8 glasses of water per day: yessodas free: yes, 5 days streaksweets free: I ate icecream when I went out with friends, everything there had sugar anyway some exercise per day: none I did some work today, I did some chores, I went out with friends and it was a lot of fun. I did have some paranoid thoughts but unlike other times I dealt with them faster and easier, with more confidence. I have been working more intensely on my self esteem, focusing on myself and prioritizing myself. I have been focused on my diet, if not on exercise yet, and keeping true to the goals and promises I made to myself about those. I am not perfect but I'm doing very well so far I think. I want to do better, but I shouldn't be extreme or go to perfectionism. I am grateful that I am doing better. It is not a given and it is not granted or guaranteed. A lot of things happen to people, things go wrong. But lately things have been looking up for me. I am thankful for that. I have been reconnecting with my values, even if they might bring me to conflict, minor at that, with people I care about. I want to achieve self expression without feeling embarrassed or ashamed that people will notice my style choices. I want to be proud for the details in my outfits and if people look, that's okay. I like pretty things, wearing them or making myself into someone prettier. Some people will not approve, especially people who prefer more usual, casual outfits or in general staying unnoticed, but that's alright. Do I need people's approval? I need my approval. This is to remind myself, I'm not 100% there yet, I'm practicing. XD Tomorrow I'm going to be social again. I don't know if my goal to exercise in the house is suitable to my character, I've avoided it for a long time. But tomorrow I have to consider those recipes so that I can buy the appropriate groceries etc. I want to eat like the people I want to look like. I want to continue getting on the scale and seeing the numbers go down. I want to be in tune with my values and goals and desires. Right now those are more appearance focused than career, but at least I have goals I feel strongly about. I need to work more and procrastinate less. Tomorrow I will try to only watch youtube while I eat and set a timer for 30'. When I take breaks from work, I should change rooms and positions. I need to distance myself from the computer even more, because the habit of being on it (because of games) is still keeping me here, away from doing more active things while I'm in the house. I need to change this and do more things in the house that don't include the computer, like reading. Little side note-thought is that although when I returned to gaming for those 3 weeks or so I had this close contact with gaming friends, almost no one has messaged me ever since I didn't show up again. We're all connected just because of the games in there, it seems, we're not real friends. It's okay, just thought to share it. People are probably immersed in the game and they don't think about me, I just notice it cause I'm no longer in there myself. I'm feeling sleepy though so off I go!
  10. I understand a lot of this pain you are experiencing, even if my first months didn't include the extra grief from losing loved ones. I felt lost and I still feel lost in many ways, especially when it comes to what the heck I'll do with my life. I also consider lowering my computer usage to just work and some youtube to look at while I eat (so maybe 30 minutes per day versus hours I clock in these days). You probably know this, as you mentioned cognitive distortions at the beginning, but you reading your worst case scenario in your ex's IG post is just that, your emotional side taking the reins and telling you things. In reality nobody knows why she is feeling better and whether you were really that bad towards her. I suggest accepting that you can not know the reasons and if you want to learn more it is the most logical thing to contact her. If you decide to do that, I think the adult thing to do would be to ask her at the start of a call, hey is it okay to chat or does this make you feel bad? This way she can choose for herself. You're not responsible for her actions, only for yours. In my experience, the negative energy has to be processed. The thoughts you get, the doubts, the fears, don't let them unattended. Write them down, 'debunk' them, even if it doesn't make them go from 100 to 0 strength. Just do the work for yourself, because there is no other way to reprogram our brains to think logically, only this, I've found. I hope this helps. The journey is ongoing for all of us, 90 days are just the beginning in my experience. But we get better, one step at a time, I feel. You should also know that your contribution to the forums is appreciated, and this side of you doesn't sabotage anyone, you bring hope and light and understanding to some of us. We can't always do right, but we do right too, as we sometimes do wrong. As long as we learn and strive to get better than yesterday, we are fulfilling our duty to ourselves I think.
  11. This is one more occasion when are you spending your time thinking about and focusing on other people. This is a journey about you. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and it is not to your benefit to spend any time on other people. You often reek of anger and hate, you show no empathy to other people, you make no effort to wonder what their life, their angle might be like. You hate this, hate that, the other thing. I am sorry to read you feel this way so often. Maybe your past is to blame for that in part, but you are responsible for how you handle it and what you do in the present moment. If you ever pick up the book about self esteem in my signature, you will benefit greatly from it. It shows us to be responsible about our thoughts, emotions and actions, to care for ourselves, to protect ourselves without being rude to other people, setting boundaries and going after what we desire, all the while having ourselves in the center. But reading it without changing your behaviors, as you mentioned already, will not help. I don't think your situation, your thoughts and feelings are beyond hope, or that you are losing, so to speak. I do think that you haven't yet decided to seriously help yourself. For the most part you decide to project your negative feelings on other people instead. A lot of people do that, but it doesn't help them. You can choose to help yourself if you want to.
  12. Day 10: Whooo double digits party! Today was anoying.Thats the best wayto describe it - i mean i knew it would be sitting through 10h of video content of a lecture that is 70% linear algebra is not great fun. But it had to be done and now its finished. Exam preperation for exam 2 is officaly done. Well there wasnt much going on except repeating the lecture today as you might imagine. I did my normal yoga and cello, the star trek piece is basicly finished at this point i have to get a new piece not sure what yet. Iam a bit worried for tomorrow afternoon. When the exam is done everything that hast to be done immediately will be done and i basicly have a bunch of free time. As you all know thats no good for not gaming. I can ofcause go for a skate and i also want to go in the city and buy a few things but thats not gonne cut it for long. Not sure yet what to do about that. Week 2 goals : - Finish Startrek them start a new piece ⬛ Star trek is essentialy done need a new piece for tomorrow - Finish resume ⬜ Nope only lecture watching alll day - Finish exam 2 prep ⬛ Done! - restart work on Master thesis ⬜ Nope only lecture watching alll day - improve Tinder profile ⬜ Nope only lecture watching alll day
  13. DAY 98: Today was the worst day I've had in quite a long time. I had a huge emotional slump today which feels like it came out of nowhere, which brought with it all the usual cognitive distortions, mental anguish and anxiety. Despite that, I got to work today and managed to perform the tasks I needed to for my freelance gig. I have another day's work tomorrow and that will help cover some of my expenses moving to Copenhagen (should pay for a nice new bed), so that's good. All that said, I'm in a lot of pain right now, and have felt like crying all day today. I'm really a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to do by the time I move to CPH, and I'm feeling lonely as usual. I am also concerned that ITU won't pan out, and 2 years from now I still won't have a clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. Quitting games was a huge first step towards change for me, but my whole life plan used to revolve around videogames: being an artist was, in large part, motivated by a desire to get into the games industry. Now I really don't want to be an artist professionally anymore or work in the games industry... I just feel lost. I have no clue if this next chapter is going to take me where I want to go. Do I really want to be learning programming and UX design? Nowadays, I look at a computer, or my iPad or my phone, once sources of joy, and see them as the enemy, things that rob me of time and sap my will to live. Nothing I once took comfort in has any value any more. To add to that, today I saw a post on Instagram from my ex saying that she's feeling a lot better than usual lately, which makes me feel like perhaps in our relationship I was bringing her down. That really hurt me. I've missed her and wanted to talk to her a lot lately, but now I feel like if I reached out I would just be bringing her down again. Perhaps she's even relieved I am gone. Perhaps she hates me. Have I sabotaged all my relationships with this darkness? I'm carrying around so much negative energy all the time and I don't know what to do with it. Any time that I do feel good seems to merely be an illusory respite from the swirling void beneath. Inevitably I am drawn back to it. Anyways, there's not much else to say. Today was really fucking shit. That's all.
  14. Guest

    Journal 2.0

    Today has been good, but a little hard. Hard in the sense that it has been difficult to evade gaming videos on youtube. Didn't watch any, but they were there in my face whenever I scrolled down in the lobby. I got everything done today that I had put on my to-do list so that one is winged as well. Days without gaming: 1 Days without gaming videos: 1 Goal of the day: Setting up my steam account for deletion ✅ To do list: 1 hour cardio ✅ Stretching ✅ Meditation ✅ My thoughts for today has been roaming the statement comming from a lot of gamedevelopers. "We want the our players to play on our game as much as possible" Don't get me wrong though I completely understand the statement from the developers that makes games that has season tiers and microtransactions. But when it comes to developers of games that doesn't have that, why is the play time so important. It seems like playtime has become equivallent to a game being good in this perspective. It has made a lot of games become more of a grind and a duty than fun to play. It happens so rarely in my past time gaming that developers made games that is meant to be played for 10 minutes a time and still give the player a sensation of having felt stressrelief or satisfaction. Most games today take even up to an hour just to get into. (for me). What is the benifits for singleplayer-non microtransaction game developers to have their players play for as long as possible? A reason why I dont want to play games anymore is for one, partly because of the above mentioned thoughts. Because most developers create games that are supposed to take as much time away from the player as possible. I can argue to myself to be a cogwheel in such kind of clockwork. Thinking about that when I played made me realize that I am basically giving away my time to these developers and getting nothing back essentially. 💪👨‍🔬🧗‍♂️
  15. Vera

    Moving on

    I'm very pleased with my evening! I was pretty productive and I'm dying to do more, but it's time to turn off my pc and get ready to sleep so I'm ready to be even better tomorrow. My knees are still not behaving, but a good rest will calm them down, hopefully. I really need to visit a doctor to clarify what my problem is. I'm just 25 and it's a bit underwhelming and scary to not be able to walk freely. But until I get an appointment, I should take good care of myself. I also discovered I have pretty reactive skin because my face got really angry at me for changing one of skin care products. I never had any allergies in general, but my skin became much more sensitive with age. It's my 'reward' for not treating it well for years and accepting advice from people who know nothing about skincare. Well, better late than never. I forgot to attach the screenshot of Webtime Tracker stats.
  16. How do you get enough fats in your diet?
  17. Reading a few of your posts from beginning, middle, and end made me think of this post I agree with you. The emotions you are feeling are real, true, and right! The challenge is how do we manage these emotions or let them flow through us? What's another way that we can express these emotions? It's great that you are learning strategies and, to be honest with you, remember that having strategies in the first place is absolutely okay too. You are strong and you can do this!
  18. Another thing I'm struggling with is saying no to things I don't want to do, saying yes to things I want to do, and deciphering the difference between those two. A guest appearance will be my frustration with flaky people and their fake persona. There are a few situations where I'm afraid to say "no". These situations include being invited to a social event with multiple people, being invited to a social event with one person, creating a social event and internally saying "no" to inviting certain people, and declining to participate in a conversation where one person dominates the conversation and barely responds to me, but expects me to respond to them right away. My biggest issue with these situations is my fear of rejection. I'm so terrified that people will ignore me and leave me alone that I put their needs on a pedestal in order to appease them in hopes of them recognizing my efforts, not return the favor, just the minimum of them recognizing me and not rejecting me in the future. That's an issue for me because it shows how low I value myself and how insecure I am. These people make me angry because they have no issue saying no to others or even saying yes and then not showing up and ignoring me or others. Then they post pictures on Instagram about the thing they did instead to get attention and act special. That angers me beyond words because I make so many emotional sacrifices to do things these people barely care about and require much less effort than what I require to do something. I consider their needs over mine in such an unparalleled way and they don't see it because they're so selfish and focused on themselves. They're focused on their image, reception, making sure they're doing things right for themselves at all times above others, and even if they do kind things for others they are actually doing it in a way to benefit themselves in the long run. That sickens me. It sickens me that someone can just flake out of a situation where you'd hang out and avoid them after. Just say no. It's so selfish and narcissistic. I'm also jealous of them in confounding ways. I wish I could say no to others and say yes to myself. How dare they think they're better than everyone? How the fuck do they think they're so much more important that they do whatever they want and say no to everyone else? I'm so jealous because I want the ability to do that. I get ridiculed if I say no my whole life that I end up saying yes because when I say no to people the guilt of saying no suffocates me in the ocean of ridicule. All I can hear is them telling me to go and making little jabs at me for not doing something with them. But here's the science experiment solved: the people who jab at me to participate are the ones who say no to anything they don't want to do and then do things they want to do, even if it's at the expense of others. The cycle is complete. These people are and forever will be the ones we're jealous of and the ones who hurt us most. Two things: 1. GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE ONE OF THESE FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT. FUCK YOU. 2. I have to solve this issue for myself. It's turning me into a very emotionally unstable person. I get blindly angry to the point of violence and then it swings so drastically that I become sad, lonely, and heartbroken that I'd be so evil. You can see it in my writing where I go from belligerent to almost mournful and apologetic. I can't handle this anymore because when I become sad after the anger I start saying yes to everyone and everything. I feel good for a few days until I can't take it anymore and get angry again. The biggest issue here is I don't say yes to myself. I don't work on any new hobbies I'm interested in doing. I hate doing anything at all. I get so wrapped up in fantastic thought over stories I want to write, art I want to create, sports I want to play, books I want to read, and videos and podcasts and websites I want to create. WHY THE FUCK AM I FROZEN??????? WHY CAN'T I FUCKING DO ANY OF IT??? WHAT THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. FUCK! The only reason I haven't relapsed with video games is I hate the video game community. I fucking hate people who sit around like assholes all day, shit talking others, speaking in memes, talking about memes, thinking they're funny because they mentioned a meme. I hate people who use memes now. I stop reading things if I see they mention a meme or post a picture of one. Reddit, discord, Facebook, YouTube, and everywhere else is just a pathetic swimming pool filled with urine. That urine is lazy memes where people just spit out memes in hopes of getting someone to notice them. So uncreative and so pathetic. HAHAHAHA MEMES. Maybe I'm too full of hate. I am so lonely that I just want attention. Once I feel fulfilled I am then able to relax and watch TV or am out of free time to do a hobby I'm interested in trying. I can't create funny stuff alone because my sadness consumes me to the point where I need to do something with someone. I'm also so fucking angry at my mom for betraying me like she did this year. I'm so angry that it makes me shake until I smash something. I trusted this fucking cunt with my future and quit my job to pursue my dreams. I needed some time to decompress after working to enjoy life for once before embarking on the year long journey of building my art and writing portfolio and then pursuing a career in it. And this stupid fucking piece of shit keeps harassing me all night and making me hate life to the point of anguish in my soul. I now have my independence again but I yearn to remind her every day how much of a failure she is. But I can't do that. I can't do it because she's brainwashed herself. Listening to her talk it's clear she's in her own world and nobody is getting in. She's a lost cause. I wish I could love her and have wonderful times with her and appreciate her. But it's no use. If I say anything meaningful she won't understand it. I saw this when I tried fixing our relationship. Just damaged and deranged. I do nice things for her once in a while almost out of pity. It's like watching someone with dementia without actually having it. I've lost this person and they're not actually lost. It's stupid. Sorry for the long post. Some days I can hide these emotions well and other days, like this week, I struggle. I got roped into two baseball games back to back and other social events all day everyday for over a week and I have no time for myself. No groceries in the house, I have to keep eating out. I can't say no to these people out if the fear I mentioned earlier so I'm suffering because of it and now lashing out at everything I hate. Mental illness is a very tough struggle. I don't want to lose but I just keep losing.
  19. RB1

    Journal

    Day 3 Rough day at work. Things didn't go right from the moment clocking in till clocking out. The frustration made me want to go home and game and/or binge watch gaming content. The moment I get home after a long day is always the moment when my mind always plays games on itself and convinces me, "I deserve a little break", but I know what that leads to. Luckily I was able to remind myself of my goals and avoid it altogether. I needed to distract myself by continuing what I couldn't complete at work, so I feel like I haven't had a moment to relax all day. At least it did the trick. I also browsed through game the game quitter forums and read my stories as well as some random ones. I think that could be a good habit for me to get into if I decide to use my computer in stressful moments. Just open up this page before allowing myself to go to any other just to serve as a reminder. I should've planned something to do before getting home from work today. I said I would yesterday, but just forgot. I need to plan ahead for moments I know are tough for me. Tomorrow after work, I've got a list of little errands I've been pushing off for a while that I will complete. That should keep me busy.
  20. Vera

    Moving on

    I have some free time during work and I have the urge to write something. Anything. I was using flash cards app called Memorion. I can't say it's bad, I enjoyed it, but I got bored of learning generic stacks of phrasal verbs and various complicated grammar. No matter how well I remembered cards, it got me nowhere in terms of actually talking to people. I want to change it. I usually have the ability to study during my commute to work, I want to use my time wisely, I know it's finite and I must make the most out of it. I feel the pressure to be as successful as everyone else around me(or on social media?), to have better job, better skills, better relationship, to have everything under control and to be not only better, but perfect. The reality of my life is much simpler: if my knees don't hurt and I slept well the day is good enough. If I managed to do something above my usual routine (read a book, find some useful info, write meaningful post in my diary, do some coding) I can consider the day to be almost excellent. But right now day seems to stretch forever and I have to wait.
  21. DAY 6: Finally! I have studied~ An amount at least haha. Again, it's the holidays, so it isn't too important. However, school starts next week, so tomorrow I'll look at the holiday homework we have and get to work on it. It helps me get back into the feeling of being productive ahaha. I watched Netflix today. I've chosen the show Aggretsuko. Not sure why, but I've been thinking of it recently, even though I don't know much about it beforehand. Since it's an anime, I'm in slightly familiar ground, as I used to watch anime about a year and a half ago, so that might be why. It's about these anthropomorphic (think furries, i'm not a furry though haha) animal characters who work in an office, and follows Retsuko, a red panda woman who works there, and her torturous existence working said hellish job (Accountant). In between scenes she sings death metal about all the stupid shit she has to deal with at work. Unsure if my description of the show makes it sound interesting, but it's very entertaining ehe. When I was watching TV in the hotel room, there was a channel running a marathon of The Amazing World of Gumball, which I watched as a kid, so I decided to watch some episodes for nostalgia (turns out the show still makes me laugh aha!). The interesting thing I feel is that Gumball and Aggretsuko almost feel like counterparts in a way; aside from both following anthropomorphic main characters, Gumball is set in the character's childhood, and hence is rather wacky and the protagonist is carefree and slightly hyper, while Aggretsuko instead tackles adult life, meaning that the main character must take responsibility and vents out all her emotions in private (the death metal). It seems like a simple comparison, but the interesting thing to think about is that, as I will be turning 17 next year, I'm certainly through the cast majority of my childhood. Just the general thought about my future I suppose. I feel this might be what makes Aggretsuko so engaging to me, as life as an adult is something that my mind occasionally ponders. Maybe I'm just stupid. No gaming craves today so that's good. Today's slice of happiness: Water. Just thankful for water. Sometimes you just want water.
  22. Just want to say that you're doing great with the exams! It can be a really stressful time, so it's great that you are past the first one and are feeling confident. Your progress on Cello is great too! It must feel good getting things done. Good luck on the second exam!
  23. Hey, just let them be. You don't need to be bothered with their narcissism. And hey, Instagram is the place where people post selfies of themselves and their food thinking that it's important, but it's just a white noise.
  24. fawn_xoxo

    Hope

    I can tell you that I wasn't on any meds, yet for weeks nothing was interesting when I quit games. It goes to show exactly how much our brains are affected by this, right? Once you go past a certain time point, it gets better. I had paranoid and anxious thoughts about people because of the isolation I put myself in to game. I understand what you're going through. Exposure helps, but it has to be paced right. Don't ask too much from yourself at once, ask to be brave and try facing the trigger, that's a good first step and you're taking it, so well done. I suggest planning a whole day from the previous one, including time to just do the chores or shower and cook, but also duties and one little hobby slot per day. If you go to the last page of my diary you'll see I recently found out about a model of finding happiness, called perma, and I think it actually includes a lot of useful directions to take as a guideline. Remember to not be idle for long. Good job so far!
  25. We believe in you. You can do this! Remember, humans have done this for centuries! So can you!
  26. Days Without Games: Two (2) Days Without Internet Addiction of Any Kind: Two (2) Morning This morning I woke up and made myself some breakfast (Eggs with Peppers) and Tea (Earl Grey. Hot.). After this I created my morning journal to remind myself that there will be challenges, obstacles, difficult people, etc, but that I am strong and have the mental fortitude to make it through these challenges. Afternoon After eating some lunch we watched some of Fluffy's netflix show "Mr. Iglesias" which I do like because A) It makes me laugh and B) the episodes connect with me as an educator because I notice so many of these issues happening around me and am always striving to be the one that believes in all of the students. We did some chores together, went for a walk and dinner as well today. Evening I spent some more time re-connecting with the piano, reading more Respawn and creating an agenda (with rough time windows) for tomorrow and worked out (I have been doing AthleanX's Xero program which requires no equipment). I am spending the last hour here reflecting on the day and preparing for bed. Good - What did you do that was good today? Today I stayed present and in the moment with my husband and didn't allow technology or other things to distract me from that as I have in the past. If there was a break in the conversation, I didn't reach for my phone to fill the time or search for a new topic, but let that pass naturally and without judgement. Better - What can I improve? I feel that I can improve being okay with the "what" we do sometimes. Sometimes we won't be able to be going on a grand hiking adventure or something similar, but meaning and fulfillment can be found even in the simple things. Best - What do I need to do to be the best version of myself I feel that it is important to smile and laugh. I still feel that while I am approaching that Stoic calmness, it would be great to allow myself to smile, laugh, and not take things so seriously! Thanks for listening! Kris
  27. I chose "Memento Mori" for the title of my journal because it reflects on something that, 10 years ago, absolutely scared and depressed me - mortality. The fact that one day *snap* this life ends, and being 21 at the time that thought was scary. Needless to say, 8 years later and I can at least talk about it in a way that inspires me to create a better life for myself. Hey! My name is Kris and I am a teacher in Colorado. This will be my public journal which will contain things that I am okay with sending out to the public internet space. I keep a more private journal that is literally written just for me to put myself and the day on trial for no audience but myself because I feel that is important as well! Everyone around me says "things are okay" I know enough now to know that things are not okay. Pushing for competition in video games for the last 3 years has really heightened my touchiness/anger and my knack to follow the Myth Buster's motto of "If it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing!" on everything really did not do me any favors when it came to that kind of gaming. Add streamers and streaming into the mix and my last year was a huge mess, but I am coming out of those challenges a stronger person. The last year I legitimately considered escaping the challenges of teaching and considering a career as a professional smash player, a game that I never played seriously until it came out last year. I looked at how much money I could potentially make doing it, tried to get feedback, and be serious about improving and everything. This went right in line with me trying to improve my times in speedruns in order to submit runs to events and get to play in front of a big audience. A part of me thought that was cool, but as time grew on this year (and some time in therapy this year as well), I realized that my priorities were way out of alignment. I realized, more and more, that the whole gaming and online scene was not my life and the reason I felt like I didn't fit in was because I myself always fought to consider whether what I was doing was of value or not (and to me, ultimately, it was not!) After feeling a huge sense of guilt over pushing for another personal best in a video game this last Saturday, July 13, I went to lunch with my husband and declared PROUDLY that I was going for the 90 day detox to re-evaluate my priorities. In the end, I want to be the best person I can be but also be there for my husband and the people that are important in my life. No more training wheels! It's time to be the crescendo and aim for a journey that gets stronger and stronger every day! Memento Mori is about accepting that we could blip out and to not worry about it because the time for that is absolutely out of our control. What is in control is how we show we value our life and our time and find the beauty in the world around us! I will be experimenting with a few formats before landing on one that I like, but I hope that these journals connect with some of you and offer you inspiration. We are all brave for taking a step to make a positive change in our life. Together, we are strong and can do this! The time to make a true mark on the world starts!
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