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  2. RB1

    Journal

    Day 6 This is really the morning after, but I'm just gonna make a quick post to fill in for yesterday. Shit day at work. Very stressful. Felt like an idiot. Hated myself afterwards. Got invited to go drinking with two buddies, but I was so mad at myself I lied about something I had to do early next morning so that I couldn't go out. Ended up staying home, watching a little bit of TV, and watched random videos on my laptop all night. When I'm filled with self hatred, I've almost always given up on any break or restrain I put myself on gaming and on watching gaming content, but luckily, I was able to push past all that this time. I spent a lot of time reading through random posts on game quitters while investigating the problems within me. Basically I have re-learned that my harmful addictive behavior stems out past gaming and watching gaming content. I say, 're-learning' since I've known this about myself. But gaming, especially binge watching gaming content has been the primary addiction I've invested most-all of my free time into for the last 6-7 months. That constant engagement with video games clouds your mind, numbs you, and probably the worst of it all, sets you into autopilot mode. After 6 days without the constant stimuli from gaming, those three things have faded away just barely enough to allow me to really think again. I am extremely glad the brain fog and numbness have begun to fade and am proud I've abstained from gaming long enough to get here (although it's just the beginning). However, the other problems I've been putting on the back burner have begun to come back into focus. I'll talk about those in my Day 7 post. I'd like to post a long 1 week summary of what I've learned and how I feel. There's a lot of good and bad to address. Regardless day 6 was rough, but I'm glad I'm pushing through.
  3. Day 43 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: Chores Slowly but surely, I'm getting my life in order. Some things are obvious and trivial for healthy people, but I'm not a healthy person. I'm a hardcore addict in recovery and during my depression, even trivial tasks become extremely straining on willpower, such as brushing my teeth. I am now starting to recover some of these essential self-care habits. I've had very good dental hygiene in the past 2 weeks - brushing twice per day, toothpick twice per day as well as applying a gel I got 'prescribed'. I'm also eating better - I'm cutting out sugar and not binge eating anymore. I started being a little bit more mindful about my posture while working - not a lot, but it's a start. I re-started my dream journal in order to increase dream recall, already recorded two dreams! Little things like this, are starting to compound. The evening/morning rituals are the hardest. Next week I will practice it more. Stats-wise the day looks unproductive, but actually I've been on my feet the whole time. Barely any procrastination. Just got unlucky a bit so I had to commute a lot, spoke with some people, shopped, cooked etc. No games, no subreddit checks. Let's go.
  4. Today
  5. Oh, also, my application to New York University was rejected but I got accepted for spring term 2020 to Oklahoma University, where I will hopefully be able to apply for a position as Italian teacher assistant. There’s an english test I need to take to go to the USA, so I better study a bit and take it on the 3rd of August (first available date). I think I mainly need to improve in 2 areas: listening, specifically songs (I never seem to be able to understand the lyrics) and grammar, which I mostly forgot after high school. I don’t feel like studyinnnnnnng. But I guess it’s not going to be difficult if I just put in a little effort.
  6. Yesterday
  7. Hey fawn 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Where did our privilege bring us? In my opinion, the answer is clear: empty, unsubstantial lives. Lately I’ve been thinking about the true meaning of the formula “consumerist society”. Before I just thought it meant that we are just spoiled baddies who buy a lot of things we don’t need, thus wasting them, but it actually means that acquiring and consuming “things” (be it objects or, even more so today, entertainment) is the main goal of our lives. Productive work is not seen as a goal in itself, nor it is functional to survival, but it’s seen as a mean of buying and consuming more. What do we thing about, what do we dream? How’s our collective subconscious shaped? Working is a sort of an afterthought of our real self, which only manifests itself in our free time. More status symbols, more web series, more videogames, more “experiences” (fancy food, travel, special education, sport and so on). Or, why not, more spend all day on the sofa and let my parents pay for me. To be fair, since we live in an economic system that provides a virtually unlimited production capability but is unable to match it by an equally unlimited purchasing power (because the wealth gets polarized as a result of the current economic asset, but I’m unwillingly getting technical and/or political, let’s just say that the problem today is not producing, but selling, and thus the success of all the marketing sciences et cetera) we may say that a life dedicated to consummation is not some sort of moral vice (what you call lazyness) but, on the contrary, it’s what the current economic system asks of us to reproduce itself. In our times, it’s a virtue. This is why sporting a brand new iphone like the one I’m typing on atm or saying that I traveled as a tourist in many different countries, even if I didn’t work a single minute to earn all of that, increases my value in the eyes of the western society. I’m not being disfunctional, on the contrary, I’m being highly functional to the truest exigences of the contemporary world. Of course this leads to a shitty, empty, unfulfilled life (at least in my case: I know a lot of people that seem to be fine with that). I’ll stop this free running stream of consciousness that doesn’t really answer your comment anymore (if it ever did) and get to the journal of the day. Day 3 I’ll be short. Woke up late. Fine with it. Dedicated the whole afternoon to reading the Exodus book (from the Bible). I’ll maybe read more bible in the coming days (but I peeped at the next books and they don’t look very promising, and Exodus was far worse than Genesis already). 7 PM went running. My mother entered my room and asked me why I don’t go and meet some friends. Instead of saying I have no friends I said I don’t feel like it and while she was leaving I heard her murmuring “I don’t understand you, without friends I couldn’t live” so I screamed her to go and fuck herself which was not very caring and after we both apologised. I “had to” work at my electronic cigarettes maintenance in the evening, god, this is boring as hell, I should quit vaping as I quit smoking. Probably calling my gf before going to bed. Tomorrow I’ll go to the seaside with my family 🙂
  8. The fact that there is that much to post about work and everything is definitely a testament to the amount of busy you are experiencing at work and as you continue to find a new pathway. Keep doing your best and some match will come up for you! It's definitely easy to rationalize why an idea that is bad for us can be okay, and humans have that knack for rationalizing anything. Excellent job sticking true to the 90-day detox. Getting to explore those old things (which inevitably come new again in the process!) Good luck exploring the creative side when you are ready and enjoy that road trip! You earned it after fixing those things on your own!
  9. TTT

    90 days

    Day 29 (fri): Addictive stuff: A dcoffee, tea, two bites of dark chocolate, a bit of erotic stories. Got up well, to do the same tomorrow. +3 again. To do the habits thing, first iteration.
  10. One thing to remember is that your best is always going to fluctuate hour to hour. I notice for myself that when I am fighting an illness the ceiling for how high my best can go is lowered. I used to be angry with that but eventually learned to accept that I am doing my best given the circumstances!!! The important thing right now is to be okay with that and let go of that negative self-talk. I tell my brain that we don't talk to ourselves that way when I was talking down on myself a lot! Just a few thoughts. You got this! Never Give Up!
  11. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 89: I am aware of the fact I missed an entry yesterday. I drinked socially a bit yesterday, but aside from that I did nothing of importance. Day 90: Standard Icelandic day, how I enjoyed it the most so far. Relaxed after work, wrote both the girls and the day is over pretty much like that. I will continue this diary. I will also write a monthly report sometime soon.
  12. Day 117 19.07.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for a long sleep. One amazing thing that happened/I did today 1) forced myself to sleep longer, go to sleep earlier and go to sleep a gain after waking up at 5 o`clock which felt great afterwards Workout/run more than 17k steps 2.5h workout at the gym Meditation 10min in the morning Visualisation and daily affirmation a bit of visualisation in the morning 🙂 Reading (0hours of studying for the exam today) had time for learning spanish and no studying because today was cleaning day^^ my wake-up time 08:30 Weekly Goal(s) start waking up at 6:30am, study at between 5 and 8hours per day, have at least 2 perfect days in a row Monthly Goal to study at least 4 hours a day (or as average over the weeks), be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, find ways to avoid falling back to old habits in times of boredom especially now in the summer 3 Month Goal getting my degree or getting it nearly done so that at least at the end of July I have it in my hands, having a really productive life, living my life so that I am proud of it What went well today: (NF:1/NW:0/NS:1/NC:33) had time for spanish, meditation, had a great workout and did a lot of cleaning^^ What I could have done to make my day better I should have done more Tai-Chi, maybe studied a bit but all the stuff for studying is prepared What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up before7, drive my parent to the airport and have a nice day in viena with my brother and my cousin Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future ----
  13. Thank you everyone. But perhaps one big issue is, how do I deal with the fact that I don't wanna give up? I remember the pain of self-denial for the first cooling off months if you will. I suppose I'm not ready to feel that again. Besides, when I started playing again, it made me realise how comparatively bleak my life had been until now. Idk.
  14. Days 115-120 We splurged and I finally got a replacement power supply for my main computer. I installed it and got it working. My PC went down before I quit gaming and sure enough steam was installed. Also my other failed attempts to play Windows games on Linux. Thankfully my guard was up, I wanted to wipe the system clean and start fresh. Testing out Majaro KDE Plasma with it. Trying to see if there is any real benefit to switch over verse keeping Kubuntu. I did break away from the TV shows for a few days. Working on a few things around the house. Ending up watching a few episodes last night. It is amazing how my mind gets consumed by the TV show. Even my dreams mess with me. I plan to break away tonight and keep it simple tonight.
  15. Those 90-days detoxes were the best and most productive days of my life. I want it back again. I cannot stop playing without a more serious commitment. From today, I am going to do meditations. I will post daily here. Starting over from 2019-07-19
  16. Day 0. "Doctor's orders." Saw my regular doctor today. He gave me another two weeks and made a comment on expanding another two weeks if nescessary. I'm happy they seem to understand the situation and my bore-out/burnout. I'm seeing a special doctor on Monday, he's at home in all of the employment and sickness and wellfare laws. I'm right now trying to skip out on having to work for 6 more weeks after I resign. The special doctor could order my resignation to be medically nescessary and then I'd get unemployment money. If I just resign, I'd get nothing and my right to claim said money would be blocked for a while. My bill can't handle that. I'm going to try and update my resumé and give it a crisper look. A part of me wants to find a cool, creative job. But another part of me knows that it's a long-term thing and I'd better just find a stopgap. But I'm aware that that latter is exactly how I got here. If I do get the unemployment money, I'd be set for a few months. So long enough to properly get things going. I've been writing comedy more nowadays. I hope some of it is good enough to get some gigs. A couple of extra bucks here and there is always nice. I used to make about 100 per week just doing comedy. I'm pretty sure it's going to take me a while to get back up to that level. But now that I'm at home and able to rest and relax a bit more, my creative juices just flow more naturally. I'm looking forward to my writing session on Monday. I want to work on my radio program. Recent highlight: Last night felt amazing. Fancy wine, free cocktails, ... I love birthday parties. Budget status: Right now, I'm focussing on cleaning up my place. Figuring out the budget is on the menu. Just not right now. I planned it for the end of the month. I guess we'll have some clarity by then as to what my income will be like. My one goal for the next 24h: Go have fun with my friends tonight and enjoy the festivities. Also don't get too drunk, because I'm still a bit hungover from the cocktails.
  17. stablish

    Quoting bug

    Ahh ok I see. Its when you use spoilers its getting kinda screwed. I might be able to update the forum software at the weekend and hope it will fix it, since there is nothing installed what could cause this.
  18. JustTom

    Quoting bug

    Page 6 of my journal, the very top post when using a spoiler, or page 7 day 41 when quoting. I've seen weird artifacts from other people's quotes too. I'm using chrome on windows 10, ubuntu 18 and android - it looks the same on each. https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/7053-justtoms-journal-3/page/6/#comments
  19. stablish

    Quoting bug

    Can you link me to a specific thread where this happens? Tried multiple threads and also tried to quote, they seem normal to me. What browser do you use? I have tested with Brave and Firefox.
  20. Day 116 18.07.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for finding things to do. One amazing thing that happened/I did today 1) after coming home from work I was really bored today and the thought of gaming surfaced more than once but I took a look at what other productive things I could do and worked through them one by one which was great Workout/run more than 11k steps (restday^^) Meditation 10min in the morning 7min in the evening Visualisation and daily affirmation a bit of visualisation in the morning 🙂 Reading (0hours of studying for the exam today) had time for learning spanish and studied nothing because I did not have the motivation after work my wake-up time 06:10 (still some sleeping problems but at least I am waking up earlier and I go to sleep sooner to counter it) Weekly Goal(s) start waking up at 6:30am, study at between 5 and 8hours per day, have at least 2 perfect days in a row Monthly Goal to study at least 4 hours a day (or as average over the weeks), be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, find ways to avoid falling back to old habits in times of boredom especially now in the summer 3 Month Goal getting my degree or getting it nearly done so that at least at the end of July I have it in my hands, having a really productive life, living my life so that I am proud of it What went well today: (NF:0/NW:0/NS:0/NC:32) had time for spanish, meditation, did some streching to reduce the strain on my hamstrings and achillesheels while doing sport, worked more than 9hours, did a lot of small productive things in the evening to counter my gaming thoughts resulting from boredom What I could have done to make my day better I should have done some Tai-Chi but my legs were hurting a lot and I need to start studying for the next exam otherwise my willpower will be chipped away slowly What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up around 8, go to the gym, clean my flat, travel home to my parents house Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future ----
  21. I really feel what you said about gaming not having a really negative effect in life in terms of severe consequences. I've taken to calling myself privileged for that reason, but I use it as a way to push myself and make me use that privilege to actually do better than before. Still struggling with laziness though. Don't let the mainstream rat race mentality overtake you, just because what you spent your day on didn't make you money or got you closer to having a better professional skill it doesn't mean you weren't productive! You were productive in caring for some social needs of yours and in finding yourself. We're human beings and we need a big list of things to feel whole.
  22. You're doing a really good job man. This transparency and vulnerability talk will go a long way to build an even deeper bond I think, if not also inspire your husband. I'm also trying to avoid multiple things at once, and have been from the start. I think depending on our emotional state at each time, quitting one thing might be difficult enough at one time in our lives, or quitting multiple things might feel just right at another time. You seem to feel stable enough to take on these things, so why not? It's really good to read your full perspective in this journal, too.
  23. I completely understand you man. When I get upset I feel really overwhelmed by emotion and I've said things I regret to people in the past in that state. I always need to express those feelings personally, or they eat me up inside, but I always find myself too dramatic afterwards too. xD Silver lining: You are still away from games and fapping and you're doing those pushups, despite everything! A Game of Thrones Quote: “Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?' 'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”
  24. Hey Tzen, I also carried shame and guilt and regret with me for years while I was trying to quit games. I tried many times before finding GQ, I failed them all, and I felt worse and worse. We have all probably hurt people in our lives one way or another and we all feel bad for that. But we can make amends, vow to be honest even in our vulnerability, and it goes a long way to persuade the other person that you're making a real change. I don't know your partner or your relationship of course, but I think that you sharing a lot of your thoughts and feelings with her must help with that. I have tried keeping my struggles to myself in the past, leaving loved ones out of them because I wanted to appear strong, but for me it was the wrong practice. It helped me much more to let people in the process and what I'm going through, and also gave them this knowledge of what's going on and how and what I'm really working with here. You're not alone in these feelings but they also have this silver lining, they prove that you've understood what's happened and thus one more reason to not go back, and people will secretly be relieved to see that I think.
  25. fawn_xoxo

    Journal

    You answered it very well! You're doing a really good job in trying to self-discover here, being honest with your thoughts and such. It does sound like a tiring process, I understand it completely. Maybe it is a good strategy to write down all the negatives of gaming, put it in the drawer and, when you get an urge, you take it out and read it? If I understand it correctly, a part of you isn't persuaded that gaming and gaming content is problematic for you, the inner debate isn't settled yet. If that's the case, I suggest you print this article ( https://nosurf.org/2018/08/28/how-the-internet-changes-your-brain/ )and put it in the drawer for when you need the extra arguments to remind yourself why you are doing this. You can also try this: When the thoughts come, allow them to be and listen to them with your mental ears so to speak. Then inwardly tell them, "I understand this is what one part of me thinks is right, but I have decided to give the detox a go and this is what I'll do." And then move on to take some sort of action, a hobby, a chore, something! Because what is happening (again if I understand correctly) is that you're actually giving time to the addict in you and allowing it to speak to you too much. Someone else in this forum had one said, thoughts like those can be treated like a younger sibling. It's no good to blame it for suggesting stupid things to us (because then we'd be self hating) but we can politely ignore what they're saying since we know better now. I hope I helped and didn't confuse you further!
  26. Tzen1

    Tzen's Journal

    Day 26 It's crazy to see that I'm already on day 26. I know to some of the veterans around here that can seems like such a long time ago but to me, time is flying. Morning routine still the same of reading and catching up with world news. Breakfast and off to work on the house still work to be done! Driving down the road I subconsciously tapped to Pokemon red route 1. It was a odd thought but it was the only time a video game jumped into my head the whole day. As we got ready for work I hugged my wife and had a small breakdown. It's hard to look in your partners eyes and just see all the pain behind them it still tears me to pieces. I think it will be a while before I am able to forgive myself for what I have done. After that, we put in our hours and happily came home to a shower and leftover pizza. After drinking our night time tea it was off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. After working at the house I'm helping my best friend move into an apartment. We don't get to hang out as much as we did growing up but that's okay. I may not have had the best brother growing up but I sure as hell got one that makes up for it. Have a good day everyone. -Cheers Tzen
  27. Day 74: July 18, 2019 I'm a bit emotional today. I don't like to journal when I'm feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed because I tend to overreact or be excessively dramatic. I don't want to start missing too many entries though so I thought I should at least write some stuff down. I'll be vague and not get too deep. What's got me down? Girl stuff. I thought I had a good thing going and now I think it's probably not gonna happen. Sigh. I just don't know if it's ever going to happen for me. Feels hopeless. On the plus side, I'm feeling better today. My cold is definitely on the way out of my body now which is great news. I think a few more days and I'll be back to normal. Health stuff is still going well but not as good as I want it to. I blame most of it on being sick this week. I want to kick things up to insane levels of commitment in the very near future. I want to use all this energy and emotion I've bottled inside me and channel it towards something that will actually help me. Something that I can actually be proud of. Cutting it short now. Before I say something I'll regret when I reread this later. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 100 pushups a day counter: 14 no fap: 13 days
  28. Today I was thinking about some of my students and how they will return to us in a few weeks from their summer break. Some of them will say "I played 11 hours of Fortnite" and they are elementary aged students. I am wondering, as an educator, what I can do about this. I feel that I want to collaborate with my counselor on this and maybe even our parent liasion. Just a curiosity on what to do.
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