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Stawrogin's Journal


Stawrogin
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Hi,

so this will be my first entry in my 90 days Journey. I will really try to write here every day and commit to it.

So I'm not really sure what to write... My main problem is with League of Legends. I already uninstalled it (Steam as well, even though I never really felt addicted to Steam as much)

I'm feeling excited and hopeful that will really be a turning point in my life. I'm tired of playing 8-10 hours a day of League, simply because I don't know what else to do with my life. I hope that I will finally be able to find a girlfriend, if I stop wasting so much time on gaming. And my appartment still looks almost the same as when I moved in. I didn't even bother to buy covering for my lightbulbs. I feel like one major thing with gaming so much is negligence. Neglecting myself, neglecting others... 

One of the things I feel a bit sad about is that I recently managed to have some friends to play LoL with and that I talk with over Discord... which is a lot better than raging in SoloQ. If I am going to start playing again, I would like to do it like that, a few games while having fun with others, limited in time. But I agree when Cam said in once of his videos that I can still do that after completing the 90 days.

Anyways, glad to be on this Forum

Edited by Stawrogin
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Welcome to game quitters, have you purchased the respawn pack? It comes with a workbook intended to keep you on track to recovery and prevent relapsing.

You are braver than the other gamers as you chose to stop playing and confront yourself. You don't want to be in denial.

 Can you share a bit more about your academic focus, interests and goals?

 

Amphibian

Edited by Amphibian220
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Hey thanks for responding to my journal,

Yes, I purchased it already. I already got the first 2 modules and then it told me to go the forums, so I did. What a simpleton I am haha.

Well.. I used to be university, but now I work in a callcenter for a bank. It ain't a bad job, but I guess I could do better than that. My biggest interest is easily gaming, but ofc I am trying to move away from that. I recently picked up learning Russian as a third language (I am a native German speaker) I did that because I have a friend in Russia (a cute girl) that I would like to visit this summer, if Covid allows it (borders are closed). Other than that I am interested in politics, I like reading the news... I used to draw a little bit and maybe I am going to pick that up again, as I am going to need something to fill my time with. I don't really have greater goals than that though.. I am somewhat of a drifter and I usually don't plan ahead a lot.. 

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Welcome to the forums! I wish you the best of luck on your journey! Keeping a journal here helps with accountability and tracking your moods/what you're thinking. It's a great tool and pretty much can be used for anything, glad you're committed to writing daily.

Best 

Jason

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Hey welcome. Those are all good things that you're planning to do to fill your time with. If you don't like duolingo there's an app called Mango language learning that you could checkout as an alternative if you'd like. I read that making like 1000 flashcards with the most common phrases/words and memorizing them is a good way to build initial fluency. I didn't really progress with language. I don't have a cute girl to motivate me atm. But I guess if I did I could try to learn Chinese because sometimes my family sets me up with Chinese girls as we're Chinese. And they would appreciate some ability to speak it I'm sure. Anyways, do you or have you had any form of spiritual practice? If that doesn't work for you it's fine I'm not like going all mormon door to door on you here. I just wanted to encourage you to practice or try it out if that might work for you. Spiritual practice can greatly improve the willpower and ability to successfully resist giving into the craving to game or do other addictions/bad habits. Addictions after all are just deeply ingrained bad habits that have often built up over long periods of time. The longer you go without the stronger the new good habit of not gaming becomes.

I want to caution you against trying gaming again after 90 days. I saw the same Cam video you described and after 90 days I tried gaming again. It was not a good experience. I immediately felt much worse after gaming. More anxious, more craving and obsession with the games. I recommend if you can just quit forever. It'll add an extra 90 days to your streak that way. But if you really do want to try moderation I suppose you can give it a try. But do thoroughly go through how you thought, behaved and felt when you were gaming. And be honest with yourself when you assess how likely you're going to be to actually moderate. Or will you most likely just end up going from 1 hour a day to 10 hours a day within a month and be in full blown addiction again so it's best to not even try moderating.

I learned that when I play LoL even for 1-3 games a day. I eventually give into the craving and start playing for hours everyday. And that even when I successfully 'moderate' 1-2 hours a day. The other 22 hours of the day I'm in a state of constant intense craving for the game. And thinking obsessively about playing the game whenever I'm not doing it. Which led me to conclude that it just wasn't worth living a life where my mind is in a state of constant craving and obsession with gaming. I wanted to be free and have more peace of mind. My life is still riddled with one gigantic messed up problem that I'm trying to solve. But gaming aint one you know.

 

Edited by TheNewMe2.0
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Hey thanks for responding to my journal. I am actually using the Babbel app and I'm quite content with it. But learning vocabulary is really difficult for me, I feel like I repeat the same words only to forget them again later. Cbinese also sounds interesting, but I think that's too hard for me. I don't have any spiritual practice, I'm somewhat of an atheist and sceptic and I don't believe in a higher being or something else.

Well, for now the 90 days are my goals and I don't really have plans beyond that. Maybe I feel like I don't want to game anymore anyways. I think I just want to give myself a break from gaming until I can build other habits in my life that would replace gaming. But I don't want to go completely abstinent from gaming for the rest of my life, that's not something I can promise. I can do 90 days though.

But thanks for interacting with my journal entry, I really appreciate it.

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Day 2

I woke up much earlier than I had to. I think I have something called "early morning insomnia" I don't have troubles falling asleep most of the time, but I cannot sleep past 5 am for the life of me. And I'm not like those fitness dudes that want to get up super early to work out and be like CEO's or whatever, I want to sleep, sleep, sleep...
 

Concerning gaming I didn't have a lot of cravings today.. For the first half of the day I was too tired and the second half I had to work my callcenter job (yay homeoffice + almost no customers on Saturday) During my workshift I watched a lot of Youtube, I guess I could have used the time better. I did practice Russian on my language app, but I also watched like 20 "Watch people die inside" videos. One gaming craving I had is that I want to watch the finals of the LPL (Chinese League of Legends) and maybe I will do that.. I mean I know it sounds like an excuse, but its the finals and I won't watch stuff afterwards.

Other than that... ofc the game floats back and forth in my mind and I'd love to feel the excitement of it, but right now it feels very manageable. Now I will still read a book (I put my phone far away from me) and hopefully drift off into the land of dreams...

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Well if it feels manageable you're most likely doing alright. But I would caution you against watching gaming vids. It can sometimes trigger people.

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Dreaming (fantasy type) can be an issue because it replaces the real world for you in a way. In fact I consider dreaming a surrogate to gaming or its extension.

Dreaming on achieving a realistic goal is good if it is constantly pushing you to work on your short-term and long term plans. The more tangible your intermediate goals are, the more thought out and predictable the results will be and the more motivation you will have (how does it feel to see the change to your chest after a consistent one month work out plan?). If that happens, you will transition into the real world and gain more self awareness and clarity of mind. The converse is also true: the more ambiguous your goals are the less likely you are to act on them. There will be no ongoing monitoring, and the so called willpower will run out real quick.

Creating a meaningful goal is a subject in its own right that I will not discuss in this post. Some symptoms that you’ve created a good goal: you are frequently getting out of your comfort zone and starting to develop real male traits, you are emotionally involved and stimulate the team by your energy and passion.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Yes, I agree that it's important to make goals somehow tangible and achievable. That's one of my problems. I never set goals for myself other than really big ones like "learning Russian" I'm somewhat of a drifter and a procrastinator and it's difficult and exhausting for me to think about the future. I'm just doing whatever is directly infront of me, that might be my job, the next video or the next game. I don't know how to get a mindset that is more future oriented. I once read a book about different "time perspectives" that people use in their life by Zimbardo (Stanford prison experiment), but I stayed firmly present oriented.

Also there is a philosophical question here that bothers me: Are there even meaningful goals? Isn't life inherently meaningless? Who cares if I become a millionaire or prisoner, at the end we all die (sorry very emo lol)

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Day 3

Well, I didn't sleep very good again. Early morning insomnia, or waking up earlier than I want, is really annoying, because I'm tired all day long. Anyways, I still decided that it's time to stop postponing my fitness (I make a lot of excuses, that the weather is not good enough) and so I went for a run today. It was really cold and I couldn't run for long before I got exhausted, but at least I went for a run. I was lying in bed for the rest of the day, because I was too tired for anything. After a nap I still did some Russian language learning, but not remembering vocabulary is really frustrating. I don't really feel like I make progress.

Gaming related I did watch the finals of the LPL today and it was a good series. I don't really feel too bad about it, since such finals only happen like every few months. I didn't game, but I did watch an awful amount of Youtube today, which is the same as gaming in a way. I'm just watching one video after another mindlessly, without any intention. I need to go over the section of the Respawn program again that tells you how to fill your time... seems like I don't have enough activities for when I'm tired.

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