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Marius
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22 hours ago, Marius said:

Feels like I'd like to escape from reality rn. I guess it's mainly that I'm not following through with my set goals but fall behind schedule every day. Gotta just push through I think. Will continue with the book rn until I fall asleep reading. It feels like my time is moving too fast. can't keep up with the pace. gotta have to figure this out.

I'm grateful for...

I know what you mean about time - and also about wanting to escape reality.  The world is a difficult place right now, ironically because of the technology that is supposed to make it "better" - it has become too controlled, to much gray and concrete and metal and ... well I won't go too far into that topic.  I like your "I'm grateful for" list - may have to do some of those myself.  Sleep will come as you normalize - my headaches are back today, I think it's going to happen in waves - I'm just writing those things down to bodily adjustments over time.   It took decades to acclimate us living with the dopamine from the games, now it will take a good deal of time (probably) to fully heal to a healthier state.   Just my guess.

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day 9

So I could only wake up late as I had watched Better Call Soul the night for hours as the club was loud again. A friend of mine came over and we learnt a bit medicine, cooked and watched Men who stare at goats together. Was great seeing him again. I went to a place that was on offer as an apartment but  maybe I was late to the party as the landlord didnt reply to my mail of interest.didnt really accomplish much this day but felt great meeting a friend again. I spent the night after he left again with Better Call Saul as the bass was playing hard again from the club. I really have to move out. It's now 12.30pm and I jus crawled out of my bed. I'm still tired and feel week, have a headache and little energy. these nights are wearing me off. I know that I won't accomplish anything in life if I don't get this problem in order. Will start with evening routine again, today. Gotta go to the library now, wish me luck. 🙂

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day 10

Yeah well, as I already told you: I didn't sleep well. Then I wrote down those lines and then had the idea to get on my laptop to chill out for a bit before I leave the house.... If there is a single bad habit that accompanies my life, it is me having the idea of relaxing with technology for a certain amount of time and then failing to restrict that time to a healthy amount. It's sickening. I have been watching series and YouTube since I last wrote. I watched series and YouTube. feels like a relapse though I didnt play or watched Twitch. Arcane is now finished with the first season and the show is really good I gotta say. Still I canceled Netflix and Amazon Prime now, so I won't be tempted in the future. It feels like I have given up on myself and my ability to be successful. I feel worthless, dumb and hateful. I can't really be proud of myself anymore. Feels like I have given up to become someone else. My dreams seem to be further away than ever before. It feels terrible to have failed that many times. If suicide is no option, change is imperative. 2200 I will switch of the lights and try to sleep. To be successful with that I have to spend the next three hours doing what makes me to be truly proud of myself and the way I use my time, so that I will be happy to sleep on time. Change takes time and I'm really impatient. Gotta work on that. Let's treat today as a partial relapse. I will add the number in brackets behind the day.

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day 14

I deteriorated over the last few days. My sleep became really really bad, so I think I just have to keep my routines in place. I adjusted my screen-off time to one hour prior to my sleep schedule as I need the time in the evening to even get a bit of learning or building of my other interests done. My days at uni are sometimes really long and commuting everyday feels a bit tedious I got to say. My new noise-cancellation headphones help though, so train rides become more productive and less stressful. I feel good about today. Managed to get to an echo course almost on time and keeping my house relatively clean. I miss having a gf/FWB though. Sleeping alone feels lonely but I might also just be too worked up when I go to bed. Also have to cancel on fapping for a while. This got out of hand 😉 So things are ok and not ok at the same time. gotta have to focus on control with my screen time, especially at night. I already fall back into my old misconception that watching some series/movie/porn will help me to calm down in the night. The sreen is flashy though and the light destroys my melatonin production. It's just really helpful to escape negative thoughts. I'm really bad at dealing with my problems in real life it seems. This inability will only increase though if I can't shut down successfully at night. I already know that it will be really hard to control my urge to just go on the tablet and watch some more series tonight. Just thinking of it is already so exciting that I feel more awake already. Im really bad dealing with my emotions and cravings atm. I didnt watch or played any League or other games, but went on YouTube again. I might need some intermediate dopamine release show/movie/documentary, so my cravings don't act that strongly but I still find some relief. I don't know what can help me. I feel a bit lost here tbh.

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day 15

I started the day with my usual "getting out of bed"-routine. Let's analyse that. Cue -> Routine -> Reward -> Craving -> Loop. The cue is obviously me not sleeping enough and being really tired or just unrested in the morning. The routine is that I stand up too late and stay in bed for another 1-2h. The reward I believe is that I have the imagination that I won't be late if I just stay in bed a bit more and hope that I will be more useful at uni later on. The reward pays off in the form that my eyes don't hurt that much when I decide to get out of bed in the end. I still don't think that I earn enough rest during the time I stay longer in bed. I need to find a reward that gets me going to the toilet and is stronger than my feeling of tiredness I have in my bed. Might meal-prep my breakfast next few days. See if that works. Also set my alarm to the waking-up as well as sleeping-time. So double-check. Gotta get that fixed night time. The club will blare again tonight, so I took a melatonin pill already and going to lay down with earplugs tonight.

Back to my day:

Arrived on time for the second lecture and attended all following classes, where one turned out to be even better than I thought before. After that I took the train home again and learned some spanish. Now I feel a bit tired, will read shortly in a book about the connection between diet and health and try to sleep. Tomorrow should be planned to be honest. Gotta do that right now. Then read and sleep.

Edited by Marius
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day 17

So I actually spend most of the last two days watching YouTube; even some porn. I just hate it that I can't sleep at night and the club does the rest. My days seem boring and unfulfilling. I don't know how to escape this. I didn't watch any gaming content besides one report related to the Arcane series. So that's something. It really feels though as if I would be back in my old days where I wasted the night hours not sleeping but watching something on my laptop or tablet. I don't feel rested enough to accomplish anything in the morning. Also my stomach is actually really good atm but that means that I might not be able to eat gluten anymore in my lifetime. Uni seems to make me really unhappy atm as I don't see myself learning everything on the shallow level that university life might provide me. Gotta have to invest so much time that just feels like burning out real quick. Also there are so many tasks that I should do atm where I can't motivate myself for or am afraid of. The daily habits I laid out for myself seem to be so much weaker than my usual desires to make me feel a little less tired and shit. That directly leads me to instant gratification again. I know that deep problems I see in my life can not be overcome this way and I know about how to behave if I want to be successful in my life. Defining success is easier said than done but after all I believe it means to achieve spending your life time with the things you truly care about. Chasing contentment over happiness is not easy. Especially when your environment points you to a different lifestyle. All those helpful thoughts fall short in the moments where temptation is bigger. YouTube is such a big trigger for me that I should just completely refrain from it. Gotta set up blockers again and see how they work for me. I feel I completely lost track after succeeding in August. Might have had a few bad decisions that led me where I am now. Ill work on MySQL/PHP again now. Wish me luck.

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day 18

Couldn't sleep at night. Was laying awake during the night and thinking I don't know about what. I only managed to crawl out of bed at around 11am when most of the classes where already over and I thought I could just watch everything on my laptop which I did after baking some bread and just eating in general. Afterwards was time for a seminar online which I attended. Didn't spend much time on uni and working my big goals though today as I was really tired and felt like a needed a distraction. I tried to listen to sleepy music to help me sleep but I still felt to nervous and unfulfilled to fall asleep. Gotta try again today. It's 9.30pm at the moment and I'm working on my coding again. I feel very tired at the moment and can't focus. Was mostly listening to music and then podcasts the last few hours. I feel really unproductive at the moment but also I'm not really motivated much by anything besides spending time listening to people talking about anything except my life. Full-on escapism mode. I know that escaping gaming content is not the remedy for my solution but to cut out all those big chunkgs of ineffective time use I have in my days. It's just that sleeping is hard. I will phone three doctors tomorrow as I believe I need help with some issues. It just feels that nothing really matters at the moment. much like depression. It's just that I can't think clearly or plan ahead if my nights are not working at all. Wanna have a switch to turn of my brain when it becomes dark. Just being content, relaxed and secure would help so much at night. I feel that I might have to completely re-learn many things as my mind is really forgetful. The bread turned out ok though 😄 I'll keep trying.

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5 hours ago, Marius said:

day 18

Couldn't sleep at night. Was laying awake during the night and thinking I don't know about what. 

If you aren't already taking vitamins... May I suggest trying Magnesium Glycinate supplements?  Taken one in morning and one or even two at night can really help sleep and stop things like restless legs as well.  I take multi B's and d3(5000 iu) with k2 as well, it's a good balance.  I know different people do different combinations but... maybe try that magnesium?  I love that you baked bread!  Keep going...

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20 hours ago, The_Creative_Quitter said:

If you aren't already taking vitamins... May I suggest trying Magnesium Glycinate supplements?  Taken one in morning and one or even two at night can really help sleep and stop things like restless legs as well.  I take multi B's and d3(5000 iu) with k2 as well, it's a good balance.  I know different people do different combinations but... maybe try that magnesium?  I love that you baked bread!  Keep going...

Thanks for the suggestion, as a medical student my take on the matter is: I'm vegetarian with leaning to vegan. That means that there are vital components left out of my diet definitely but eating the correct things will serve me well with everything except B12. Iron shouldn't be an issue as I make sure to include enough pulses in my diet. For magnesium, the other Bs and K there should be plenty supply in my diet even though I have to agree that I should eat more varied. D on the other hand is in short supply in the winter months in non-tropical countries where Germany fits in well, so I'm replacing that, too. I tried melatonin for a couple of days but I'm really convinced that it 1) acts as a placebo for me and 2) creates dependence over time. So I won't take those anymore. I add Zinc as well as studies have shown that it has some preventive effect against the common flu. That leaves me with B12, Zinc and D. Everything else should come with proper diet, so no need to take supplements. Nevertheless thanks for the suggestion. Reminded me to eat more varied.

day 19

 So for today I left my bed a bit late but got to my seminar in time. Also attended the lecture and all other courses and added a little study time in the library halfway through. I'm back home again and I need to cook but have little energy left for that and also feel a bit depressed now. It's mostly social interactions again I'm sure and this stands as a big issue still for me. Had some diarrhea again today but I'm sure it came from the leftover food in the fridge that wasn't good anymore. Late yesterday evening I made up a plan how to reach my goals concerning coding skills. Would like to continue with that today but I need to cook food unless I want to starve.  Just no energy for that though. Might need to watch some documentary while peeling the potatoes 😄 I feel bad. Spending time watching anything feels like dipping into old habits and reminds me of the feelings I had watching series/movies/porn/game streams without end. It's not healthy for me. For all that, watching anything remains quite soothing for me.

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day 21

I will force myself to abstain from instant gratification. The last few days saw steady decline in what I made my mind up to achieve when I didn't think with current duties in mind and what I'm doing. I use too much time doing things that I like but won't get me closer to my goals. This is gonna be rough. The hardest thing I have ever done in life but it is absolute necessary. No more gaming/streaming/youtube even music. i'm done being passive and watching someone else's content instead of using time to create things myself. I really hate doing the things I have to do to accomplish a better mindset which is why i fail so hard currently. Gotta hate myself for some time until it becomes better. Can't really find replacements I like atm. So it's gonna be the rough way. Scheduling -> executing. basta. No ifs and buts. I will really hate these days. But I can do that: with enough willpower I will be productive and slash through the veil of addiction. Staying conscious and vigilant whilst relentlessly doing things I currently hate will be bring me to happiness. Sometimes you have to act crazy to become sane. Self-hate is sometimes self-love and self-love is sometimes self-hate. gotta keep writing here.

Short summary of last two days: couldnt sleep, watched youtube/documentaries until late at night. I just didnt care about what that did to my health. Skipped classes and was late to all compulsory classes, everything else I didn't attend but spend the time on the internet escaping reality or so tired from what I did the night before. Continuing like this will lead to certain self-abandonment. I will have become the eye of the storm unfazed in the face of danger/terror and stress.

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day 22

So it's day 22 and I have not completed my assignments which are due next week. Tomorrow will be a dopamine detox as outlined by Andrew Kirby with the difficulty level set to "Beginner". Everything else I don't believe to suceed in currently. I stood up late today being halfway asleep as always. I think I made have some trouble breathing through my throat and will have that checked by an ENT physician. Drove to uni and watched the lectures I should have attended earlier and then worked on freecodecamp. I still feel too passive but it's at least halfway productive. After that we went to a seminar where our lecturer was late again, so we thought to actually do the seminar ourselves. Then he arrived and we went on to finish our script. We then talked about doctoral theses, then everyone left and I talked to fellow student afterwards about doctoral theses and drove back home where I am now. Currently working on freecodecamp and I have a rough time not to open a tab and binge watch some YouTube or series. This is mainly because it is a habit I have cultivated over quite a long time. I can live without it. I might be sad but I will know that acting like I do while bring me closer to true contentedness. I will proud of myself if I manage to act productively. My life is not over but has just begone.

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day 24

I succeeded in the dopamine detox yesterday, went out to buy groceries and cleaned the house. Gotta have to work on a project today for the whole day which sucks but should be a a good exercise in willpower. will do that now. talk here later

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day24 cont.

I've been working on my geriatrics assignment and it turns out to be so much information stored everywhere on the web that it's hard to get a sufficient understanding. We are only allowed to use 15 references in total but should definitely include primary literature as well. This sucks. I'm also not sure on how to cite correctly from guidelines as they provide really good sentences that I would actually like to quote directly. Also those sentences in the guidelines include literature references that are consistent inside the guideline but I'm not sure if I should add those blank numbers in my assignments where they might be confusing or just uninformative. not sure. I'll ride home again from the library and will continue with the assignment after eating some food. This assignment is due on Friday so there is actually enough time still. Nevertheless I'll have a practical test on Tuesday and I'm not prepared for that as well. Gotta keep going. It sucks that my job has to include computers so much as they remind my of dark times and tempt me. I'll buy a used smaller laptop, so sitting in front of it should be different and create more beautiful memories. Hoping for the best. Didn't waste much time today, even though I stood up late again as I couldn't sleep much last night. I hate this club... No new apartments in sight also, so I'll have to endure atm. Bed time is about right though. I'll keep it up. Tomorrow will be Monday which means that beginning tomorrow I will stick to a body-weight training program that should keep me busy and healthy for a year. It will be hard but fruitful.

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day 25

I stood up a little too late today, so I arrived at uni only for the first two lectures to be over. Also stayed up late yesterday to finish a chapter in a textbook... I attended classes today and after that I went to my home where I continued to work on my geriatrics assignment. I think I have read about 80% of the sources that are important and now I have to write it down. Had planned to work out at 7pm today but was still reading through my sources. I played some piano today and worked on my Spanish. I'll have to eat something now and it feels like it's already too late to keep working on the geriatrics even though it doesn't feel like I accomplished much today. I might be a bit depressed mainly because I have to spend so much time on things that don't bring me instant enjoyment. It becomes better though I have the feeling. Really really slowly though. Gotta keep staying strong. I think I might have to cut the piano out as well in the moment as I don't play on planned times but just as I enjoy my day. I also feel really worked up atm and could use some release which is mainly my fucked up head and sleep-deprivation talking. I should stick more strictly to my schedule as it is the shield "against the waves of emotion" as Cam pointed out. I might just feel a bit empty atm but I think it's mostly withdrawal. Thanks for sticking here with me, it's good to see others on the ride as well. 😄 Sports will begin tomorrow I hope. Gotta calm down, eat something and spend some more time with a good book before I try to sleep.

Edited by Marius
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day 28

Yesterday evening was a complete disaster. I thought to watch YouTube for 45min as I thought I could rest for a couple of minutes but stayed chatting, and mindlessly surfing the web until 5.30am the next morning. Was late to a seminar and skipped the whole morning at uni laying in bed trying to rest from the night. I don't know if I should count this as a relapse but it surely feels like it. It just seems that the stress in my life is surmounting my ability to solve my issues. Cant sleep still and haven't worked out for a couple of days now. Sadly this means that means that I'm not truly changing my life for the better but rather hope for some magical moment to arrive where everything appears to be clear but in the end won't come. I have to get my shit together. Will work on one assignment I haven't finished since Sunday. It's not that much work honestly but I cant focus and feel constantly distracted. I really have to regain a sharp unyielding vision for my future and then only include decisions in my life that will lead me towards this goal. I think I actually have a clear idea of where I wanna be but it is too unrealistic. Might have to include another dopamine detox this Saturday. I feel depressed and lead my superficial thoughts. When will this end? I once was a really focused and concentrated individual with good memory but now it seems like all those good qualities have disappeared. I need help and I have to be the person to help me. I might have to practice self care more. Also there is still no solution to my apartment situation. I don't know. This semester was supposed to be different from the ones before but I feel like being exactly the same. Furthermore the pain and resentment for how I fucked up my life has mostly vanished and I don't really care anymore about what happens to me. I totally understand religious people whose belief in an afterlife is their coping mechanism for how fucked up their life is. Small but steady steps. I just have to stay vigilant and keep doing what was successful in the past. Thanks for all of you who read me ranting about myself. 😄

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I briefly read your posts and I find them very relatable, it seems we both have addictive personality traits. I think the turning point for people like us is to have a lot of support; like this site and reaching out to family/friends. I had a decent group of friends, but after failing my way upwards into computer science because of my addiction I grew farther apart from them and became basically a hermit in his room playing games. But now at least my dad knows that I have an addiction and he fully supports me in my recovery. 
One method that I found very useful for recovery is to not overthink or focus too much on the state of mind when anxious or having a crisis. Whenever I start to think about how far I've fallen behind, I remind myself it's not going to be fixed in 1-2 days so there's no point overly stressing myself out over it and losing sleep + willpower.  I just draw blank or start reading a book to shift focus.
Another trick is to relax the face and forcing oneself to smile lightly, this tricks the brain into a happier state. 
 

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4 hours ago, Marius said:

You are right. For me it just hurts to see how much I could have been and what I am now. I would really love to go back in time and live life smarter.

Don't let yourself think that way.  You were meant to have learning experiences, that was simply one of them.  You have much going now and ahead of you - that's what you need to focus on!  Road ahead and all the good things in it.

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day 29

Finished my assignment. Finally. It has taken most of my "self"-time this week. I'm currently sitting in front of my laptop and should probably just go outside to get away of it but it's cold and dark. Also should have cooked something nice. Already 9pm. Should really go to sleep in an hour but don't feel sleepy at all atm. That won't get better watching something on screen though. I just feel like beating a bit time to death right now 😄 Why do I feel that? Yesterday in my bed I realized that I might have some serious problems with short tendons and weak back muscles. That means working on that will most likely make my life much better. I would really love to just engage in something I have missed out on during this week where I had to work on the assignment. I have some serious problem meeting new people. It's Friday night and most people my age would love to go out. Nevertheless I sit here in my room and would prefer watching some video/movie, just listening to music. I might have an idea where this comes from but to solve this issue I would have to apply massive action to become successful in almost every aspect of my life. This is actually what I should do now. I'll drink some tea and try to find some edible foot in my apartment and sit down with calm music to further my coding skills. A friend asked me if we'd like to drink something together and she's a girl. I don't know what I should interpret into this. I just don't hope that she hopes for something more because I don't want that. There is a gazillion other goals I'd like to accomplish before I would like to enter into anything new. I don't feel prepared and I don't want to apply my time into romance atm. Just that. Could also just mean that she likes to grab a drink together as friends which would be nice 🙂 We'll see. The week after tomorrow I'll be at my parents and I'm not looking forward to this. I'm not that close to my family members and would love to keep working on myself where I live now. Will probably just make the Christmas visit short and stay for a week before leaving again.

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day 31

So yesterday was spent going to a friend's birthday... I'm not kidding. I wanted to prepare something but couldn't sleep the night before. After that I got out of bed late and was late to the party already. Then I wanted to buy stuff to eat there are one present but I actually left the key in my apartment so I had to go to a nearby key service to help me out.. I picked up all groceries and cooked and baked a cake but that took an additional 2 hours. Following that I went to my friend's apartment where he lives together with two other friends of mine. We talked a bit and had a nice meal before I left again. Was later than all others at the time. I went home again and cleaned the kitchen, planned my day and hoped to be able to sleep at night. Sadly I felt really awake, had stomach-ache and the club was loud again. For that reason I slept poorly mostly lying awake. The next day was ruined... I woke up late today and didn't feel rested at all. The whole day set up was not possible anymore as I didn't feel rested at all. Went on YouTube and didn't do anything else and I don't have the concentration and motivation for that. Headaches and sleepiness as well. I was tempted to go to Twitch but gladly didn't. Nevertheless I didn't do anything productive today and mostly lie on the couch feeling mildly depressed how everything turned out again. Also I would like to spend more time with friends but I have the feeling that I'm not a good friend myself and also don't have my friends. Apart from that I feel demotivated about studying as well atm. It's just sad overall. If I could fix those hefty sleeping issues my life would become so much better. As my planned evening is mostly passive I might give it ago as I don't feel able to do anything active anyways. Still have to schedule important doctor visits, so might give that a go tomorrow. I don't feel well at all about my life currently. I often have the impression that there is little progress and mostly failure after failure. It's really damaging my ability to focus on long-term goals.

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I've felt that way in the past - maybe this will help a little..?  I had to accept life like a series of waves, ups and downs.  I mean it was hard to accept the "Down" parts but once I accepted them, it lessened their severity and length.  Sometimes its just your body needing more rest and it affects your mind and outlook.  So I resolved to really 'sink into' the downs - let myself sleep late, be kinder in my thoughts about myself during those times.  The affect it has is stronger "Ups."  Well wishes.

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So it might seem strange but I think I wanna start fresh. During the last few days my life has fallen apart even more. It's essential that I try to attend classes and learn or work on my learning programs. I rather stayed up late often past 3am in front of my laptop watching youtube or documentaries and other things that really I shouldn't do during the night. I can't sleep and currently I also don't have much appetite as well. My kitchen hasn't been cleaned since I worked on the cake on Saturday. I just don't like to do it. I rather instantly go to my laptop after coming home again and try to forget about the outside world. Everything seems to difficult and scary. I worry about what others think about myself. Everything that is necessary to just shut my systems down is really complicated to me atm. Also I struggle to find friends. I wish I could solve all my health problems in a day but it seems like I have to invest time and focus on them if I want to change anything. So starting tomorrow 6am I will live my life exactly like I wish to for several months now. I will mostly journal offline and write here from time to time. Maybe weekly basis. I won't stress myself about it. I'll keep coming though. Have a good day!

gratitude list:

- My room plants didn't die though I mistreat them heavily 😄
- Tomatoes can be yummy
- This little figure I was once gifted that fits on my vinegar bottle
- Light can be warm
- There will always be another day
- Life chances are endless
- Music can change your mood instantly
- my family still likes me
- no situation has to infinite
- Every day is another chance to move your brain in the right direction.

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I'll start counting again if I have to the feeling to have used my 24h that day exactly like I wish to. Just one day not behaving in the way success can reached with will be another day 0. So I guess that is correct for today. Let's start with the good things first, though. I didn't overuse my phone today, my blocker are effective even on Linux now. That means porn, YouTube, games, streams, news and movies/series are banned. That leaves my computer to achieve what matters moving into the future. I'm currently binging on freecodecamp.org. This is good and bad at the same time. It means I'm actually working on a learning target I'm working on for years now. Nevertheless I would prefer to fulfill my basic needs first before I strive for advanced human existence. That is to say: Air, water, sleep, food and shelter needs in that order have to be fulfilled before I move on with other things in life. Currently I think that air is about 80%, water 60%, sleep 20%, food 30%, shelter 40%. I need to get those numbers to 100% and yes they might be a bit arbitrary and subjective. There are different reasons why they are not at 100% but I can work on them. I haven't cooked today for example as I was mostly focused on moving on with freecodecamp. I will do that right after finishing this post. I will open my window and vaccum/wipe my room. That should bring food to 90%, air to 100% and shelter to 60%. After 9pm I will try to find a calming activity to prepare me for sleep, so I might be able to go to 40% hopefully this night. Drinking water should just bring me 100% in that regard. I'd like to focus this heavily on those basic needs as I feel that I starved my body of them over the past couple of years. True recovery needs a solid foundation.

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Still no day 1, even watched porn and youtube again. I'm not very disciplined atm. Feel like not using my time to further my coding skills atm is a waste of time, still become frustrated if things don't turn out that easy as I hoped they would and then disable my blockers to binge some instant gratification. I miss social interaction, too. Everything that I need to do atm is solo work for the most part and I only have one friend who likes to study with me and she is away at her parents until the second week of January. Tomorrow I'll take the train to my parents' home. I will stay there for one week. A perfect day would begin in 1.30h and I haven't slept yet. The world is a scary place. I have a list of things I have to to tomorrow and I won't have much time for that. Thanks for reading , I'll keep you updated. Gotta find my mojo.

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Ok, idk. This is gonna be day 1. defined as this momentum after getting up from bed where I feel sufficiently rested to start the day. There are so many ideas that actually would help me to bring me to the right direction but I'm not following through. So no more gaming with life. I think it's mostly being depressed for me when I binge watch something to feel better. I'm depressed because I don't have that many friends and feel stuck in life without a path to where I once was: respected, well equipped for the future, independent, safe and admired. This admiration part was a safety shield against the appearance of reputation shattering memories. It was my defense against failures of the past. I really do care A LOT what others think about me and I wish I wouldn't. I'm just really insecure about myself and what represent atm. Some expectations are flawed in my environment I believe which is why I need something I can always rely on. I think that this has been so far the ability to find bliss in binging online video streams. Always reliable without any downtime. And I never had to worry what the other side thought about me as everything was anonymous and unidirectional. This obviously only explains the problem and doesn't solve it yet. Finding source(s) for my confidence that can't be impaired by anybody and loosing my reliance for the admiration of others is what is the solution here I believe. I need something I can always rely on which is tied to myself, invisible but not yielding to the flow of time.

 

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