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Marius' journal


Marius
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22 hours ago, Marius said:

Feels like I'd like to escape from reality rn. I guess it's mainly that I'm not following through with my set goals but fall behind schedule every day. Gotta just push through I think. Will continue with the book rn until I fall asleep reading. It feels like my time is moving too fast. can't keep up with the pace. gotta have to figure this out.

I'm grateful for...

I know what you mean about time - and also about wanting to escape reality.  The world is a difficult place right now, ironically because of the technology that is supposed to make it "better" - it has become too controlled, to much gray and concrete and metal and ... well I won't go too far into that topic.  I like your "I'm grateful for" list - may have to do some of those myself.  Sleep will come as you normalize - my headaches are back today, I think it's going to happen in waves - I'm just writing those things down to bodily adjustments over time.   It took decades to acclimate us living with the dopamine from the games, now it will take a good deal of time (probably) to fully heal to a healthier state.   Just my guess.

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day 9

So I could only wake up late as I had watched Better Call Soul the night for hours as the club was loud again. A friend of mine came over and we learnt a bit medicine, cooked and watched Men who stare at goats together. Was great seeing him again. I went to a place that was on offer as an apartment but  maybe I was late to the party as the landlord didnt reply to my mail of interest.didnt really accomplish much this day but felt great meeting a friend again. I spent the night after he left again with Better Call Saul as the bass was playing hard again from the club. I really have to move out. It's now 12.30pm and I jus crawled out of my bed. I'm still tired and feel week, have a headache and little energy. these nights are wearing me off. I know that I won't accomplish anything in life if I don't get this problem in order. Will start with evening routine again, today. Gotta go to the library now, wish me luck. 🙂

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day 10

Yeah well, as I already told you: I didn't sleep well. Then I wrote down those lines and then had the idea to get on my laptop to chill out for a bit before I leave the house.... If there is a single bad habit that accompanies my life, it is me having the idea of relaxing with technology for a certain amount of time and then failing to restrict that time to a healthy amount. It's sickening. I have been watching series and YouTube since I last wrote. I watched series and YouTube. feels like a relapse though I didnt play or watched Twitch. Arcane is now finished with the first season and the show is really good I gotta say. Still I canceled Netflix and Amazon Prime now, so I won't be tempted in the future. It feels like I have given up on myself and my ability to be successful. I feel worthless, dumb and hateful. I can't really be proud of myself anymore. Feels like I have given up to become someone else. My dreams seem to be further away than ever before. It feels terrible to have failed that many times. If suicide is no option, change is imperative. 2200 I will switch of the lights and try to sleep. To be successful with that I have to spend the next three hours doing what makes me to be truly proud of myself and the way I use my time, so that I will be happy to sleep on time. Change takes time and I'm really impatient. Gotta work on that. Let's treat today as a partial relapse. I will add the number in brackets behind the day.

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day 14

I deteriorated over the last few days. My sleep became really really bad, so I think I just have to keep my routines in place. I adjusted my screen-off time to one hour prior to my sleep schedule as I need the time in the evening to even get a bit of learning or building of my other interests done. My days at uni are sometimes really long and commuting everyday feels a bit tedious I got to say. My new noise-cancellation headphones help though, so train rides become more productive and less stressful. I feel good about today. Managed to get to an echo course almost on time and keeping my house relatively clean. I miss having a gf/FWB though. Sleeping alone feels lonely but I might also just be too worked up when I go to bed. Also have to cancel on fapping for a while. This got out of hand 😉 So things are ok and not ok at the same time. gotta have to focus on control with my screen time, especially at night. I already fall back into my old misconception that watching some series/movie/porn will help me to calm down in the night. The sreen is flashy though and the light destroys my melatonin production. It's just really helpful to escape negative thoughts. I'm really bad at dealing with my problems in real life it seems. This inability will only increase though if I can't shut down successfully at night. I already know that it will be really hard to control my urge to just go on the tablet and watch some more series tonight. Just thinking of it is already so exciting that I feel more awake already. Im really bad dealing with my emotions and cravings atm. I didnt watch or played any League or other games, but went on YouTube again. I might need some intermediate dopamine release show/movie/documentary, so my cravings don't act that strongly but I still find some relief. I don't know what can help me. I feel a bit lost here tbh.

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day 15

I started the day with my usual "getting out of bed"-routine. Let's analyse that. Cue -> Routine -> Reward -> Craving -> Loop. The cue is obviously me not sleeping enough and being really tired or just unrested in the morning. The routine is that I stand up too late and stay in bed for another 1-2h. The reward I believe is that I have the imagination that I won't be late if I just stay in bed a bit more and hope that I will be more useful at uni later on. The reward pays off in the form that my eyes don't hurt that much when I decide to get out of bed in the end. I still don't think that I earn enough rest during the time I stay longer in bed. I need to find a reward that gets me going to the toilet and is stronger than my feeling of tiredness I have in my bed. Might meal-prep my breakfast next few days. See if that works. Also set my alarm to the waking-up as well as sleeping-time. So double-check. Gotta get that fixed night time. The club will blare again tonight, so I took a melatonin pill already and going to lay down with earplugs tonight.

Back to my day:

Arrived on time for the second lecture and attended all following classes, where one turned out to be even better than I thought before. After that I took the train home again and learned some spanish. Now I feel a bit tired, will read shortly in a book about the connection between diet and health and try to sleep. Tomorrow should be planned to be honest. Gotta do that right now. Then read and sleep.

Edited by Marius
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day 17

So I actually spend most of the last two days watching YouTube; even some porn. I just hate it that I can't sleep at night and the club does the rest. My days seem boring and unfulfilling. I don't know how to escape this. I didn't watch any gaming content besides one report related to the Arcane series. So that's something. It really feels though as if I would be back in my old days where I wasted the night hours not sleeping but watching something on my laptop or tablet. I don't feel rested enough to accomplish anything in the morning. Also my stomach is actually really good atm but that means that I might not be able to eat gluten anymore in my lifetime. Uni seems to make me really unhappy atm as I don't see myself learning everything on the shallow level that university life might provide me. Gotta have to invest so much time that just feels like burning out real quick. Also there are so many tasks that I should do atm where I can't motivate myself for or am afraid of. The daily habits I laid out for myself seem to be so much weaker than my usual desires to make me feel a little less tired and shit. That directly leads me to instant gratification again. I know that deep problems I see in my life can not be overcome this way and I know about how to behave if I want to be successful in my life. Defining success is easier said than done but after all I believe it means to achieve spending your life time with the things you truly care about. Chasing contentment over happiness is not easy. Especially when your environment points you to a different lifestyle. All those helpful thoughts fall short in the moments where temptation is bigger. YouTube is such a big trigger for me that I should just completely refrain from it. Gotta set up blockers again and see how they work for me. I feel I completely lost track after succeeding in August. Might have had a few bad decisions that led me where I am now. Ill work on MySQL/PHP again now. Wish me luck.

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day 18

Couldn't sleep at night. Was laying awake during the night and thinking I don't know about what. I only managed to crawl out of bed at around 11am when most of the classes where already over and I thought I could just watch everything on my laptop which I did after baking some bread and just eating in general. Afterwards was time for a seminar online which I attended. Didn't spend much time on uni and working my big goals though today as I was really tired and felt like a needed a distraction. I tried to listen to sleepy music to help me sleep but I still felt to nervous and unfulfilled to fall asleep. Gotta try again today. It's 9.30pm at the moment and I'm working on my coding again. I feel very tired at the moment and can't focus. Was mostly listening to music and then podcasts the last few hours. I feel really unproductive at the moment but also I'm not really motivated much by anything besides spending time listening to people talking about anything except my life. Full-on escapism mode. I know that escaping gaming content is not the remedy for my solution but to cut out all those big chunkgs of ineffective time use I have in my days. It's just that sleeping is hard. I will phone three doctors tomorrow as I believe I need help with some issues. It just feels that nothing really matters at the moment. much like depression. It's just that I can't think clearly or plan ahead if my nights are not working at all. Wanna have a switch to turn of my brain when it becomes dark. Just being content, relaxed and secure would help so much at night. I feel that I might have to completely re-learn many things as my mind is really forgetful. The bread turned out ok though 😄 I'll keep trying.

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5 hours ago, Marius said:

day 18

Couldn't sleep at night. Was laying awake during the night and thinking I don't know about what. 

If you aren't already taking vitamins... May I suggest trying Magnesium Glycinate supplements?  Taken one in morning and one or even two at night can really help sleep and stop things like restless legs as well.  I take multi B's and d3(5000 iu) with k2 as well, it's a good balance.  I know different people do different combinations but... maybe try that magnesium?  I love that you baked bread!  Keep going...

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20 hours ago, The_Creative_Quitter said:

If you aren't already taking vitamins... May I suggest trying Magnesium Glycinate supplements?  Taken one in morning and one or even two at night can really help sleep and stop things like restless legs as well.  I take multi B's and d3(5000 iu) with k2 as well, it's a good balance.  I know different people do different combinations but... maybe try that magnesium?  I love that you baked bread!  Keep going...

Thanks for the suggestion, as a medical student my take on the matter is: I'm vegetarian with leaning to vegan. That means that there are vital components left out of my diet definitely but eating the correct things will serve me well with everything except B12. Iron shouldn't be an issue as I make sure to include enough pulses in my diet. For magnesium, the other Bs and K there should be plenty supply in my diet even though I have to agree that I should eat more varied. D on the other hand is in short supply in the winter months in non-tropical countries where Germany fits in well, so I'm replacing that, too. I tried melatonin for a couple of days but I'm really convinced that it 1) acts as a placebo for me and 2) creates dependence over time. So I won't take those anymore. I add Zinc as well as studies have shown that it has some preventive effect against the common flu. That leaves me with B12, Zinc and D. Everything else should come with proper diet, so no need to take supplements. Nevertheless thanks for the suggestion. Reminded me to eat more varied.

day 19

 So for today I left my bed a bit late but got to my seminar in time. Also attended the lecture and all other courses and added a little study time in the library halfway through. I'm back home again and I need to cook but have little energy left for that and also feel a bit depressed now. It's mostly social interactions again I'm sure and this stands as a big issue still for me. Had some diarrhea again today but I'm sure it came from the leftover food in the fridge that wasn't good anymore. Late yesterday evening I made up a plan how to reach my goals concerning coding skills. Would like to continue with that today but I need to cook food unless I want to starve.  Just no energy for that though. Might need to watch some documentary while peeling the potatoes 😄 I feel bad. Spending time watching anything feels like dipping into old habits and reminds me of the feelings I had watching series/movies/porn/game streams without end. It's not healthy for me. For all that, watching anything remains quite soothing for me.

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day 21

I will force myself to abstain from instant gratification. The last few days saw steady decline in what I made my mind up to achieve when I didn't think with current duties in mind and what I'm doing. I use too much time doing things that I like but won't get me closer to my goals. This is gonna be rough. The hardest thing I have ever done in life but it is absolute necessary. No more gaming/streaming/youtube even music. i'm done being passive and watching someone else's content instead of using time to create things myself. I really hate doing the things I have to do to accomplish a better mindset which is why i fail so hard currently. Gotta hate myself for some time until it becomes better. Can't really find replacements I like atm. So it's gonna be the rough way. Scheduling -> executing. basta. No ifs and buts. I will really hate these days. But I can do that: with enough willpower I will be productive and slash through the veil of addiction. Staying conscious and vigilant whilst relentlessly doing things I currently hate will be bring me to happiness. Sometimes you have to act crazy to become sane. Self-hate is sometimes self-love and self-love is sometimes self-hate. gotta keep writing here.

Short summary of last two days: couldnt sleep, watched youtube/documentaries until late at night. I just didnt care about what that did to my health. Skipped classes and was late to all compulsory classes, everything else I didn't attend but spend the time on the internet escaping reality or so tired from what I did the night before. Continuing like this will lead to certain self-abandonment. I will have become the eye of the storm unfazed in the face of danger/terror and stress.

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