Morrigan 21 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) Hello. Here I'll go by Morrigan, and I'm a video games addict. This is my first entry, where I share my theirstory. I wish it wasn't this way. There are many things I love about video games -- interactive stories can be beautiful. I love writing about and thinking about video games as a cultural phenomenon. While I haven't owned a Nintendo console since Game Boy Advance, the Pokemon and Legend of Zelda still have great personal importance on me. But I cannot have a healthy relationship with video games. Or at least, I cannot have a healthy relationship with video games right now. Free Flash Video Games of terrible quality once filled a dark space in my life. I'd play anything, no matter how inane, as a simple means to numb the pain of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. From 15-21 I was in an an ugly, abusive relationship that didn't get off my back until I threatened to get the police involved. My therapist said I had the symptoms when I was 18, when I started college and didn't finish because of the darkness of my PTSD, which was further compounded by the isolation and shame of crashing and burning out of college. The memories and emotions would play on loop, even more difficult to get out of my head due to ADHD's limited working memory, and I'd use video games to numb the pain. When I tried to stop playing I would do the thousand-yard stare. With medication, a move to Germany, and a very-immersive job I had less need for my coping mechanism... until I started college up again. It wasn't just video games, but always distraction, as I'd get into loops of PTSD and ADHD where I found it difficult to do my work. I realized that if I did not get help I would be unable to finish college while working without my PTSD flaring up like a bad rash. Six years after the ugly events of trauma ended, I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapists who would lift me out of the cycle. For the first time in my life, I could stop when I wanted to, and be as productive as I wanted to be. I got my Bachelor's, did a job I loved, but was ready to start a new career. But when I left my old job, newly married, preparing for a big move to Berlin and dealing with all the stress of moving, the lack of structure from work and the outside pressure of my school's deadlines, I fell back into video games. It was, partly, a way to connect to my wife, who suffers from debilitating depression. But it didn't stay connective for long. It was, once more, a way to escape from my problems. We made it to Berlin, but COVID-19 struck. And I still have no structure in my life. I would spend hours gaming, playing free games and the small fare I got from Humble Bundles and Steam to escape from my problems. I'd quit one game and start another. Where in the beginning of the crisis I was confronting my trauma as it awoke again, spent time making art and learning German and pondering the future I wanted, there I was, throwing six weeks into Stardew Valley I'm never getting back. I'm sad for the stories I'm missing. I am unable to justify the initial price for the beautiful, cinematic video games and immersive worlds I played when I was younger. The music, the paraphernalia, the effect on my internal mythos and visualzations -- all of that still plays a happy role in my life. If I had steady income and external structure in my life I might once more have the self-discipline to set my schedule and have timed gaming sessions with the cinematic, immersive stories video games have to offer...but that isn't the case right now. Enough is enough. Today, I uninstalled the video games from my devices. And as life starts to open up again in Germany, I can finally sign up for an integration course, apply to jobs, be the freelancer I want to be, embrace my life as an immigrant in a country I've come to love. As you say, life unlocked. Respect, Morrigan P.S. Pronouns are they/them/theirs Ending Notes: Today, I'm grateful I had the strength to uninstall those games. I'm grateful a lingering illness from the weekend is improving -- it's great to eat properly again. I'm grateful for my wife. I'm grateful that I obtained my integration course entitlement papers. My goal for tomorrow is to call schools about integration courses, take a walk outside, support my wife, learn more about ADHD, add to my bullet journal, read more of the Count of Monte Cristo, and do something fun or enriching in my notebook. I visualize myself listening to new music and the satisfaction of doing the work that paves the way to actualization. Edited July 1, 2020 by Morrigan change of title 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now