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mks
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Our beliefs are the level we play on in life

If we have the feeling that we are not imprtant because of our childhood,
we will have those limiting beliefs as an adult. 

I am so much into this right now because "I am not important" is the
worst believe that we can have. 

This was the reason why I made bad business decisions. Also bad life decisions.

I have a skill or practice to flip them around which reveals the opposite.

The opposite for me is "I am rich".
- I am rich of wealth.
- I am rich of emotional connections to people.
- I am rich of social connections. 

I will work on this when I am starting a new job. I want to make this a one of my 
core beliefs. Abundance.

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Today I was outside my home from 9.30am to 4:30pm. 

+ I was hiking a little bit in nature
+ I was at a lake - no swimming though
+ I was in the city although I had severe symtoms of my PTSD. It was better than expected.

NoFap really helps with social anxiety. I am on a 14 days streak. My social anxiety is non-existent.
I am still a little bit uncomfortable around people after a while because I feel somehow akward.

But this comes that I am not really secure yet. 

All in all this was a good day.

Also no Twitch. I really feel like if would be a bad idea to go back. But today I had some
urges to watch a stream. But it's still blocked. So I was in the city instead. Didn't fulfill my 
need at 100% but I was around people. 

I need to find a way to talk more to people. 

With a cashier I don't even small talk. It's just not personal. I wanna become someone
who is more connecting with people. I don't want people to be strangers all the time.

Most important goal: I wanna build more relationships with people.

Second one: Become more self-confident (this is my last diagnosis of a personality trait. I had a lot and this 
one is the last one that I have)

Edited by mks
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Today I was at the lake again. 

My main problem is, I don't know if I can work in my job again.

I was working as a webdev. 

I have a strange relationship with jobs in general. I was overprotected as a child.
Everyone out there is working in jobs that are not fulfilling. But they do them kinda
sucessful. 

I wanna get into the mindset of "It's my job". This is at least better than doing nothing.
And it's hard to start a new major... so I have to figure out how to make things work.

Do you all work in a dreamjob? How do you handle this feeling of not being free?
My mindset is not working right now, so I am looking for a way to be able to work
in my job again.

Picture of the lake today:

IMG_2026.thumb.JPG.69a36f793fde7bf9508b33f432bb00ff.JPG

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Just one quick update.

The problem related to my work:

Since I started working around 10 years ago, one 
big problem came up: I am unable to build relationships
with people that I don't know. 

This started in the first company. I was kinda there but
I was also really distant. Hard to describe. 

The next thing that happend to me was that I was pulled
into groups of people (including my girlfriend to that time)
who were really good at connecting with people. 

So my skill level to connect with people was poor to non-existent.
I think this comes from gaming and porn and some things from 
my childhood.

So yeah. I know this since I am around 8-9 years old where I
recognized, that I am not as good at connecting with people
as other people.

Just wanted to share this with you because I found out that I 
long for connections with people. I want to build meaningful
relationships. 

If I would wish myself one skill to master, it's to build strong
relationships with people.

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Quests for today

(!) Going to swim [Easy]
(!) Looking into the co-working space [Easy]
(!) Visiting my old company [Hard]
(!) Going to the grocery store [Medium]

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Today was great!

- I was walking at the lake for half an hour
- I was driving to the co-working space but decided not to go in - I don't wanna mess it up
- I was in the city and bought some things
- Walked a lot in the city 
- I was swimming in the swimming hall [ done ]
- Did the groceries [ done ]

So I did two things of my list.

My social anxiety was almost zero. At the beginning it was at zero.

My bad habit is, that I am making myself smaller. So when I feel super confident on the street,
I am down sizing myself.

But all in all I am at almost zero social anxiety now and the symptoms of my PTSD are a lot better now
after one week. Still a good way to go, but I feel better.

This is also day 3 of no social contact to my contacts. This means it seems I am getting my needs 
met right now. Normally I would have cravings to go back to Twitch or porn to get my social 
needs met.

Right now I am just leaving the house and be around people. Some talk to the cashier. This seems
like to meet my needs. This is a huge milestone because this is the main reason why I relapse into
old habits. 

So my needs to be around people seem to be met. If this positive trend goes on, I will have something
against my addiction now. I am able and in control of my needs. Really huge milestone.

The next thing is to get into work and improve my social skills to talk to people. 

 

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Another PTBS was triggered. Quitting gaming is tough although I am more on NoFap focused right now.

For me I thought porn was the problem because it triggered something.

Today I learned that I was wrong. It's my appartment and the situation in it that is causing the problems.
So my appartment is causing a PTSD. Worst case... I will be forced to go into a clinical environement
until I find a new appartment or a solution for the problem. 

Can't think of another way out. 

So yeah... long way to go. Life would be to easy without obstacles haha 😄 

I think I will be out for a while and be back after I found a solution for the problem in my appartment.
Until now I will not post a lot or any posts.

Good luck everyone on everyones journey! Keep building a meaningful life! We can achieve it!

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Way way less suffering!

So much progress in the last days made. Super proud of myself that I got through this.

Keep it up everyone! There is always hope no matter how hard the times are.

Sometimes you need months to recover into a new life, sometimes years. 
But when you never give up you will end at you dream life. It's so worth it 
to keep going.

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Right now I am focusing on building my own life and 
relationships I want.

I more and more feel which people are good for my health.
I don't wanna stay around people that are mostly negative
and think life is a problem. Life is to short to be around 
negative people. 

There is a difference between opening up and complaining 
all the time. I wanna have to do with raw people. 

Since all my crisis I just think about life as to precious. 

I was around my realtives today and felt down afterwards.
I will focusing on my friendships instead. Don't think I will build 
deeper relationships with most of my relatives. 

Just wanna move on in life and well... it's time to move on way further
than I expected. I grew so much through my crisis, that I am aware
what I want and what I don't want. 

I have zero urges to porn right now. Gaiming is also no problem, 
although I have urges to the upcomming WoW addon. 

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my support system.
I am grateful for all the people I wanna connect with.

Best wishes to everyone!

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On 7/14/2020 at 2:09 PM, mks said:

Do you all work in a dreamjob? How do you handle this feeling of not being free?
My mindset is not working right now, so I am looking for a way to be able to work
in my job again.

Oh man, I've been working in a different types of fields over past 10 years. Almost none of these working fields fulfilled me. Even up to this day, I do type of work that I don;t like that much, but the staff is cool, fun and very supportive - which is nice and that's probably what's holding me there (Bartneder here). I can't say that I am not free, it's still completely up to me what I want to do for the living, it's just that it's not thas simple.. idk ^^ stuff to think about.
As for now, I am trying to make the most of my free time - Doing some 3D sculpting and once I get good at it I would love to make a living out of it (e.g. creating tutorials on Udemy and/or working for a film/game industry). Yeah, I guess that would be my dreamjob  🙏


Sorry for the late reply, I am still new around here - 5 days without games 🙂

Keep up the good work!

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@Edz Thanks for your reply! Udemy courses sound great! I also like teaching.

So I still have problems with my PTSD. Hope to recover from it in a week.
My appartment was causing a PTSD which was a worst-case.

I was living in a bad situation there. But I think I fixed it. I spoke with the landlord (hope it's the right name)
and said that I will move out of the appartment as soon as I find something new. 

She wasn't amused but well... that's not my business. I just have to take care of myself
and this was the best decision.

So I am looking for a new appartment right now. Still a long way to go but I feel way
better now. Way less suffering when I am in my appartment, as I take steps into the
direction of moving out. Feels better now.

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Today I just wanna escape. 

My PTSD symptoms are driving me crazy.

There is one big problem. My go-to place to numb myself was porn, just to escape.
But porn can trigger a PTSD so the go-to place to escape is not working anymore.
It's impossible to get out of my PTSD when I am not in a save environement eg.
no porn.

Though I just wanna escape right now. Crying while writing this. The pressure
of fitting in, behaving normal, becoming normal is just too much to handle right now.

I just wanna escape. 

It's a little bit better now after writing this but the situation porn in combination
of triggering a PTSD is way too much and beyond what I can handle. One weak
moment of wanting to escape life for just a minute can cause a PTSD.

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Today was a good day.

- Spend time with a friend
- Was outside in the city
- Short time at a lake

All in all it's getting better to fulfill my needs outside of the internet. 
So instead of being on a Twitch community I spend time in the 
city, where sometimes I meet someone, also get the have a 
chance of meeting someone for a relationship, practice for
social anxiety etc.

A lot better then sitting at my laptop. 

But it's tough. Once my needs are not met, my body is creating
a lot of pain, so I really have to act, like going outside. It's 
hard mode or even nightmare mode. But that's life. 

We are fully responsible for our needs.

But once we figure it out, we will be indepentend and free.
This is my motivation and goal.

I wanna be independent and free as a person. Being able
to be authentic around people. 

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So this seems to work right now. 

My new way of life is "I decided to go a new route. I wanna lead a free and independent life."

Right now this also seems to fight my addiction.

I once thought about my addiction and behaviour behind this as freedom.
Freedom meant to visit every side. So once my blocking system was not 
working, my mind was thinking "FREEDOM!". 

This is so wrong in many ways. This was my addiction speaking not my whole self.

My whole self wants to lead a free and indepentent life." 

And this means free from my addiction. Since this "clicked" in my brain, I have an inner
blocking system.

I don't feel any urge right now to go back, because my free and independent life
is way more freedom and independence than my "pseudo-freedom" the addiction
wanted me to believe.

I know this is fragile but I am fully aware right now of how I can beat my addiction
without blocking systems like Cold Turkey.

Right now it's day 5 of porn-free since my blocking system failed. But in a way 
I am thankful for that because I am more indepentent right now.

This independence was not there with the blocking system. It was just another
dependency in my life. Now I am in control. Not a tool or program.

Keep it up! The best way to fight an addiction is really to decide to go another 
route. Whatever that is.

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Today was good.

I was in therapy. The hour-long talk was really helpful.

After that I was in the city. This is getting better. So my social anxiety is way
better than months ago where I was afraid to go to the city avoiding too much
people. Right now I am seeking situations where there are a lot of people.
Huge progress and stable.

Spending time outside helps a lot.

My problems are the evenings. I have a lot of inner tension when I am at home,
with strong headaches. 

I have no real goal right now. Just wanna get healthy and out of my PTSD.

I am grateful for...
...my friendships.
...my inner strength.
...having enough food.
...having enough to drink.

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I'm glad your social anxiety is subsiding. Mine is still pretty strong but where I live we still aren't allowed to go out very much. It'll probably get better once things open.

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Right now I am have problems filling my free time.

So I still don't have a real hobby.

I switched to watching a lot of TV lately which is bad. I feel it's even worse than
gaiming as it's really passive. I am not really motivated and stuck in this passive 
mode, which invites chaos into my life. 

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Just one more update:

My Problem: TV is taking up too much time (5-6 hours)

My mind uses this as the new path of least resistence.
I have lack motivation to do things that have some kind of resistence like practicing piano.

This is a huge problem. It's a filler activity. I need to commit to one thing but I don't know what
that is. 

I could learn and focus on practicing piano.
I could learn and focus on design. 
I could start a YouTube channel.
I could start a podcast.

So I feel like the YouTube channel is something I wanna work on the most. I will go for it!

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Keep at it! It will get better!

Today my need to socialize was not met, I was alone a lot yesterday and today.
My  body and mind needed validation around people.

So I left my house, sat around people. 
Was in a shopping store.

This was around 30 minutes and it helped 🙂 

Keep at it! No matter what need you need to meet - you are in charge! You can meet your
needs - you are in control of leaving the house to be around people! It's possible 🙂 

I also updated my first post:

5.) Going more outside: 100%
6.) Reducing the amount of regret, being resentful about things: 85% [Way better]
8.) Moving into a new appartment: 55%

Those three points are getting better. Going outside is almost no problem including
social anxiety. I still feel akward around women... this is a huge problem. 

Made progress with moving into a new appartment.

Also less regret about past mistakes. This is still problem, but I reduced a lot of 
suffering caused by it.

From my list of problems in the first post, structure, talking to people is still a problem.

 

Next most important step:

I will focus on finding voluntary work because it gives my life purpose, structure and social interactions. Huge benefits!

 

Edited by mks
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone!

I was not posting the last days.

Cold turkey hit me hard. Having not work, suffering from PTSD and not being able to work because
of that, cold turkey on porn and having no escape in gaiming got me hard.

So I got into a gaiming relapse because of that. I know it's not the best way to cope with life, but
I havn't seen any other option to get some time to relax. Reading and doing sports are still fine 
but I needed something to escape. 

When you have to cope with PTSD and having not job to work and almost being in an isolation.
Coping with the symtoms got out of hand. And yeah. I am more into gaiming in moderation right
now. It is helping me to relax. I know it's addictive but I will still have an eye on that.

It was just too much to handle. Fulfilling all of my needs beside having PTSD. It was almost impossible.

So as soon as I get healthy again, having a job, I will focus on quitting. But for now it was the best
decision because of my current situation. 

Hope you are all doing fine! Keep it up and stay strong. Sometimes we need to escape
otherwise I don't know what happend. It was way too much to handle for now. 

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Lesson learned - I have a addictive personality

Yep. I have a highly addictive personality.

As I told in my last post, I was trying to play WoW in moderation. It kinda failed.

The reason why I will quit again as soon as possible is dopamine.

I am super aware of myself and my body and how it reacts to specific thing that enter my life,
like again, WoW. This is a hell of a dopamine machine. Really. I would place it in the area in 
which porn is also placed. Those two things combined are killing the reward circuit.

What does it feel like?

- Feeling numbed
- Feeling like being in a swamp
- Not seeing clearly and being less focused on my current life situation
- Again losing interest in my surroundings like cleaning my room
- Things get less interesting

What I really hate is the losing of focus. It's like you lose access to your inner wisdom
what's the next step in your life to move forward. As you move forward with quests 
and you get a lot of dopamine from it... well things get less interesting.

So guys. Playing WoW in moderation will not be possible for me. I tried it. It's not
possible and even not worth it. 

This will be a really hard stop for me. I will delete my BattleNet account.

WoW meant and means a lot to me. Best MMORPG. And I really love that genre.
But well... there needs to be a sacrifice we need to make in order to live a life 
in fulfillment. I will kinda say goodbye to that game as soon as I am prepared
to get into a transition into the real world. 

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Started a request for deleting my BattleNet account. 

It's better for me. My "super power" is laser sharp focus. After two days of playing WoW
the dopamine destroyed the focus I once had. So it's the best for me to quit. As I am really
sensitive to dopamine in general, I have to stay away from games, moderation doesn't work
for me. Once in the game it takes me over. The risk is to high.

It's better to work on something that has pain involved like programming.
But in the end of the day, those days I felt really fulfilled. And that's what's 
it is all about. Having a fulfilled life. 

Edited by mks
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Worked on a website today made quite good progress. I will focus on this.
I wanna help coaches build better websites that help them get more 
people they can help.

This is something I really like. "I help people who are helping people that 
have a hard time." I also want to help people to get through hard times
myself. Becoming a life coach, once I settle and have a little bit more
confidence. But it's a vision I really like. 

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I am on a dopamine detox right now.

The app cold turkey is active again with another app - Home Guard Pro.

Need to make a restart with porn, youtube etc. It got our of control this
weekend. Started out without a problem, but it crashed my whole habits.
Wasted too much time this weekend and lost a lot of time.

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Great progress! My social anxiety is still at almost zero. 

There is just one more problem left.

As a child I was having a injury which caused a trauma. This is still a problem
because once I feel like I am making a mistake, I will get back into that old state.

This is the last thing left with my inner work. Once I get this resolved I will be more
free.

Gaiming wise I am at kinda moderation. I feel more satisfaction from going outside, 
so that I normally don't play. I also lost interest in gaiming because other things
are more fun.

But I also have a strong feeling against numbing myself. I gain a lot from clarity in
my life so that I don't wanna play games or watch porn anymore because those 
things only help to numb myself. And I wanna stay clear as much as possible.
This helps with every opportunity and taking responsibility for my life.

Numbing myself is always painful in the end because I am not living to my fullest
potential.

So still a way to go but I made a lot of progess already!

Keep it up!
 

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