Ari's Recovery Journey

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Oh no, @BooksandTrees! I must have used confusing wording.

I don't want to delete my diary, I just want to change the title completely. However I've noticed I have a few consistent readers and I wouldn't want them to get lost, I know I am easily confused so that's something I hold in consideration for other people.

Thank you for the information though, I really appreciate the time you took to write all of that out for me!! 🥰

 

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

I'm wondering if you can only change the title of a journal once, or if I am just forgetting how I did it that first time! Under moderation actions is only the option to delete. It's okay though, if I'm stuck with this current title forever I won't be that upset about it.

---

Anyway I came here to talk about my rules, goals, and intentions.

Rules for building in TS4:

>My daughter always comes first.

>Other responsibilities, especially those pertaining to other human relationships, also come first.

>Only TS4, only Build Mode and CAS. No Live Mode. (It's the worst part anyway lol)

>Play testing, if necessary, can be done by my partner. Supervision of testing is allowed.

>My partner always gets first dibs on the computer, and I must stop any time she asks to use it.

>I will not build on Shabbat, it is a creative activity which I must rest from.

>If I start to get that feeling that I have relapsed I will quit again.

>I must take breaks when I feel frustrated and I must not take my frustrations out on other people.

>Feeling stressed or frustrated is a sign it's time to stop for now.

>8pm cut off time, must prioritize healthy sleep patterns.

Goals for this new phase in my journey:

>Maintain a healthy balance between hobbies and responsibilities. (Including my other hobbies lol I am very obsessive in general.)

>Build things I can use as references for drawings!

>Actually draw at least some of them 😹

>Strengthen my imagination!

>Use this as a bonding activity for my partner and I.

Intentions:

>Follow the rules I set for myself.

>Continue journaling about my recovery!

>Treat this as an experiment, knowing full well this could go either way.

>Use what is learned from this experiment to help others in their recovery!

>Be more creative in general. (Lately I have been shying away from creative activities and more drawn to consumption activities. I don't think this is inherently wrong or bad but I feel better when I have a balance between creating and consuming.)

---

We still have not actually moved forward with starting to build anything! Yesterday was Shabbat for most of the day anyway, and today is still the weekend, so our daughter takes up most of our time.

That being said today my partner started playing a new video game which has left me in charge of the kiddo a lot. I'm feeling a bit resentful. She is good about getting off when I ask her to help, but when I'm not explicitly asking for help she drifts back to the computer. Not that I never do this with my puzzles though, lmao...

I might start building tomorrow but it's literally the only day of the entire week I have to do it. I have plans to see my mom on Tuesday. There is no school Wed, Thur, or Fri this week. So she will be off from the 22nd through the 27th. I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to start something if I won't be able to work on it for over a week.

I'm also pretty sure I'm going to lose my f***ing mind over those 5 days because the weekends already feel too long as it is.

Dreading Xmas break too, it doesn't benefit me at all as someone who doesn't currently celebrate Xmas and can't afford to travel or do anything fun.

I really can't wait until our daughter is like, 5 or so, I have a lot more experience with older children than toddlers and babies. There's so many activities I'd like her to participate in that she's just not ready for, and I already have her participate in a lot of "not age appropriate" activities. We do a lot of Montessori stuff too, like having her help with real chores. I'm really impressed with what she's capable of now, but I think our relationship will improve with time and age.

Anyways, just taking it easy today. Got to put this kid down for a nap soon which is the worst part of my day 🙃

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Oh no, @BooksandTrees! I must have used confusing wording.

I don't want to delete my diary, I just want to change the title completely. However I've noticed I have a few consistent readers and I wouldn't want them to get lost, I know I am easily confused so that's something I hold in consideration for other people.

Thank you for the information though, I really appreciate the time you took to write all of that out for me!! 🥰

 

Oh ok good! I may have read it wrong lol. I'm glad you're keeping it though. 

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Having two hours before the 8pm cut off time and finally getting a little bit of free time I decided maybe I'd try starting tonight. I really have no idea how these things work anymore so I asked my partner how to find it on the computer and she told me to open Steam.

It gave me the same feeling as walking into the weed store when I relapsed on that. Now I'm feeling really apprehensive!

It was more seeing all the other games and the Steam interface itself than anything to do with TS4, but still.

Now I really don't want to get into it until my partner is also with me. It doesn't feel right starting alone. I'm going to have her take the wheel at first and I'll just be a backseat driver until I know how I really feel about all this.

Edited November 20 by GrainSiloEnthusiast

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

We just tried, backseat and all, and I just felt absolutely terrible the entire time. Didn't even get 5 minutes into it, didn't even get to actually loading up the building part.

Edited November 20 by GrainSiloEnthusiast

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!

Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?

I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.

[Ikar]

17 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

We just tried, backseat and all, and I just felt absolutely terrible the entire time. Didn't even get 5 minutes into it, didn't even get to actually loading up the building part.

I guess the emotion of hate/anger towards "what gaming did to me" is still too strong.

12 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!

Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?

I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.

It's not obsessing, what you're doing is thinking. Discord is "too fast" of a medium to discuss this, journaling and NA are "slow", so people usually think before they say or write something. I'd argue the guy either doesn't care or doesn't have a gaming problem at all.

[Antoni]

16 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!

Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?

I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.

I'm on my 6th month journey of gaming detox, but last month, I almost relapsed because I was interested on this new city simulation game, which I really liked the concept. I'm in the architecture industry and I liked urban planning a lot, so I almost decided to buy it. I spent days thinking about it, if I should do it or not but, in the end, I decided to not do it since I know I can't moderate it. I have this addictive personality which I can easily spend mindless hours to anything instant gratifying, from watching movies/shows, eating junk foods or social media, etc.  After several days thinking about it, I decided to keep my detox streak and to spend my time instead in learning a new Computer-Aided Design software which could help me upskill on my industry.

What helped me to decide is asking myself what other options do I have? I know there are more activities that I can practice my creativity such as sketching, learning new software, and maybe reading books? I also don't want to break my 6th month streak for a thing that I'm not sure about if I'll enjoy. I also considered what would I feel if I relapse? maybe guilt? regret?

I just wanted to share my thoughts as I experienced a kind of similar situation. I'm not against moderation either, to be honest, I envy those productive people who can balance both productive activities and play. I'm also happy that you're able to recognize it and stopped yourself from getting in to the trap. Good luck! 

Edited November 21 by Antoni

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Thank both of you so much. Your support is absolutely crucial to me right now, I have been feeling so lost since yesterday night.

I really appreciate you sharing that with me, @Antoni! Your story is exactly what I needed to read right now.

Moderating is something I am going to put off again for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to say "I will never play another video game for as long as I live" (even though sometimes I do feel like saying that!) but right now is definitely not the time to try.

[FDRx7]

On 11/20/2023 at 2:30 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!

Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?

I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.

I agree with @Ikar, mediums like Discord make it very easy to blast something off without thinking. However, there are people who have joined this community without gaming/internet problems and I still am baffled as to why.

It's very hard when people don't take it seriously. I ran into something similar with my YouTube and podcast issue. "Everyone watches YouTube... don't we all listen to podcasts? You would listen more if you had a long commute like me... but there are so many things to learn from YouTube/podcasts!" Not that those two mediums are inherently bad, but it's the same thing of listening to someone who either has the same problem as you and doesn't know it, or someone who doesn't really think about these things too much because it isn't a problem for them. It can be incredibly frustrating trying to get someone to understand.

When you do find someone who says, "You know, I don't have that issue but I definitely see how it is a problem and I support you," it changes everything. Or even better, someone who struggles with the same issue. You don't feel crazy anymore, like you're the only one struggling with this.

That's why it's great to be part of this community!

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/20/2023 at 2:30 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!

Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?

I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.

I honestly think the discord for this community is toxic. It's too volatile of an environment to properly write out our emotions and sit with them. I did not enjoy it on there. 

Sorry that you dealt with that. 

Edited Monday at 05:49 PM by BooksandTrees

[FDRx7]

19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I honestly think the discord for this community is toxic. It's too volatile of an environment to properly write out our emotions and sit with them. I did not enjoy it on there

Agreed. I hopped on for about 10 minutes and was witness to a long reactionary debate about religion vs atheism. Not really the place for that. I felt like I was on Reddit or something. I only use the forum now. It's important that people are encouraging to one another on this journey. Things like that don't help. There also seems to be those who are there specifically to make others' lives more difficult, almost like putting a bottle of wine in front of an alcoholic and saying, "It's not cheating if you just smell it."

Edited 15 hours ago by FDRx7