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Journal for success


Chitemple
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Day # 6

 

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for my home, family, partner, food, shower, clothing, bed, youtube, compassion

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Went to the store to get medicine for my partner, had 3 social interactions, cooked breakfast, and made coffee.

Workout/run

Haven't exercised yet today. I feel very depressed. I am going to have a cold shower then edit after i've done it.

Meditation

Haven't meditated today. But I could sit for 5 minutes.

Visualisation

Visualizing.... I haven't done any visualization. What could I visualize?

Daily affirmation

I am strong. I create positive opportunities. I can talk to people confidently. I am charming and build rapport easily. I feel in touch with the world.

Reading + taking notes

Haven't read anything today. I look forward to having the interest to read again.

Getting to bed before 9pm

Bed at 230, 3am last night. 

Weekly Goal(s)

- Sign up of Welfare 

- Have job by end of the week

- Get Health Card 

- Clean House

- Fold Laundry

- Cold Showers, Hydrating Mornings, Fit Days

- Positively Affirming 

- Have 200 Social Interactions

- Take Partner on Date and have a good time

- Have 4 good mood days of 7 

Monthly Goal

- Positive, confident, ambitious belief about the future

- Powerful Vision of the future

- Enthusiastic, and Joyful

- $350 Savings in account after expenses

3 Month Goal

- Get on Positive terms with Jealousy 

- Get on Positive terms with Envy 

- Have a $1000 savings in my account after debts

What went well today:

It's half way through. This morning has gone well.

What I could have done to make my day better:

More sleep, better food, more energy

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sleep longer, wake up earlier, enthusiastically wake for a positive and amazing day.

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On 1/5/2020 at 6:59 PM, ElectroNugget said:

Hey man, welcome to the forums! And you're nearly at a week milestone already? Great work!

Thanks brother. 

Day 12 now. 

Feeling really irritable, with a terrible memory, brain fog, and my emotions are all over the place. Kinda sucks. Trying to keep things together.

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On 1/5/2020 at 11:57 AM, Chitemple said:

Day # 6

 

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for my home, family, partner, food, shower, clothing, bed, youtube, compassion

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Went to the store to get medicine for my partner, had 3 social interactions, cooked breakfast, and made coffee.

Workout/run

Haven't exercised yet today. I feel very depressed. I am going to have a cold shower then edit after i've done it.

Meditation

Haven't meditated today. But I could sit for 5 minutes.

Visualisation

Visualizing.... I haven't done any visualization. What could I visualize?

Daily affirmation

I am strong. I create positive opportunities. I can talk to people confidently. I am charming and build rapport easily. I feel in touch with the world.

Reading + taking notes

Haven't read anything today. I look forward to having the interest to read again.

Getting to bed before 9pm

Bed at 230, 3am last night. 

Weekly Goal(s)

- Sign up of Welfare 

- Have job by end of the week

- Get Health Card 

- Clean House

- Fold Laundry

- Cold Showers, Hydrating Mornings, Fit Days

- Positively Affirming 

- Have 200 Social Interactions

- Take Partner on Date and have a good time

- Have 4 good mood days of 7 

Monthly Goal

- Positive, confident, ambitious belief about the future

- Powerful Vision of the future

- Enthusiastic, and Joyful

- $350 Savings in account after expenses

3 Month Goal

- Get on Positive terms with Jealousy 

- Get on Positive terms with Envy 

- Have a $1000 savings in my account after debts

What went well today:

It's half way through. This morning has gone well.

What I could have done to make my day better:

More sleep, better food, more energy

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sleep longer, wake up earlier, enthusiastically wake for a positive and amazing day.

Wow, your journal is impressive. You've even given me some ideas to improve my own. Seems like you have a pretty good plan for yourself. Great job! Practicing affirmations also seems like a great and positive way to live. I definitely want to borrow that idea for my journal if that's ok. 🙂

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24 minutes ago, Sashiku said:

Wow, your journal is impressive. You've even given me some ideas to improve my own. Seems like you have a pretty good plan for yourself. Great job! Practicing affirmations also seems like a great and positive way to live. I definitely want to borrow that idea for my journal if that's ok. 🙂

Thank you 🙂 I'm glad to offer some ideas. I hope you do!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 29:

I just started working a new job at a restaurant

It's been tough. It's really put my brain through the ringer, but I'm not working and I'm not playing games, and I'm finding myself doing other things now.

But unresolved feelings of anger and malice come through me, and it's not because of anyone present, it's the experience of my past, and the trauma I've felt from it.

The feeling of estrangment from others is very strong and i dissasociate often and it sucks but I'm hoping when things improve financially, I'll be able to invest in a healthier diet, and more exercise, and i'll have more energy to go out on hikes, and do things in the community. It's difficult sometimes to look at the bright side because I'm like this everyday, and even at work is it so difficult to connect with people.

I thought it was other people but its me.. I thought it might be because I have a metaphysical understanding of the universe that other people rarely experience or grasp, and that because I can only relate with higher thinking masters students or people who have broad complex considerations but even then, I always find something to judge, envy, resent, reject or demonize. Its hard to look at myself and to look at others and think, maybe I have to bring myself down, to invest in pop culture, or to get involved in some kind of immature gossip circle, or to talk about tv or to focus on relationships. I find these things petty and difficult to relate with. I found them demonizable for some reason, and somewhat of a reason to ignore people in general. But I'm finding that ignoring people and finding so much to demonize really doesn't make my life easier.. It just makes it harder, and people who feel judged don't like you. It's also difficult to be encouraging because I always feel like people are just dumb or idiots... but then I have to look at myself and see where I am intellectually, or emotionally, or physically... and i see that I treat myself with such degrading and judgemental expressions that I'm actually not good enough for myself, and therefore no one is good enough for me...

Its really fucking frustrating that there is so much anger and resentment and fear inside of me, and also writing about it now is somewhat cathartic.
Today I stared at a bolt on the wall so I could practice focusing on a single thing, and i found that all the judgements i usually put on other people, or my experiences, I put onto this inanimate object which had no relation to me whatsoever. I could find something wrong with it. I could find a reason to hate it. In fact I could hate it without reason, and that was enlightening to me because it means that no one is causing these feelings in me... because I read that we need to take responsibility for our anger, so i thought that maybe this means that I'm taking responsibility now... because the things in my life that I need no reason to hate, and willfully seek reasons to be discontent with them, are all biological patterns which I've developed for the reason of feeling good.

For some reason it feels good to feel distanced to other people, even whne it feels bad. Having the ability to raise my chin and feel condension gives me the ability to feel superior, giving me a self esteem boost... but I read a quote the other day, which said

"I wish you so much self-esteem, that you are humble" and this stuck out to me because of the ability to be humble always struck me as something you were as a way not to upset others... i never actually thought of it having anything to do with actually being high in self esteem.... so I was approaching humility the wrong way.... it actually has to do with raising my self esteem in order to develop the ability to make room for others to be better than me...

But i have such low self-esteem that it is so difficult to allow people to be better at different things than me. I'm always putting people down in my mind, or covertly by being mean or by ripping people down with objections or reasons they should change... and I come up with justifications so that it seems okay... but Its partly because I don't feel anything... I feel so numb because I have so many memories that I'm blocking, because they hurt too bad and it keeps me from truly loving and feeling emotion...


Being filled with hate is so draining, and yet still had a sort of euphoria to it... a sort of malice which comes from the suffering of others.... like playing with food, or rubbing something it.... like a bully does, like people do when they hate eachother for something, or like they do when they want to be powerful, have control, or domineer over something.

This power I feel, I get it from malice, from being mean, from ripping into peoples hearts, and savagely sucking their blood, and expecting them to come back for more. I do it by playing a victim and being innocent and feeling incapable of doing anything, feeling overwhelmed by not knowing the way things work and how to succeed in capitalism, and by having anarchistic beliefs about the way things are and the way they should be...

My disatatistfaction comes out in malice, and this conditional love, this fury and trigger set, makes me unhappy, and it makes others unhappy, and it makes me feel like breaking things.. it makes me feel like smashing things.

I feel so angry at my relationships with my family, and the things I feel when not having money, being dependent, having a difficult time communicating, having a difficult time giving, having a difficult time making love, laughing, enjoying anything. It makes it so difficult to enjoy a memory. I was having a good memory today where I was dancing with my partner in the kitchen last night, and I felt good, but within a second I was filling the memory with fear, anxiety, dread, pain, which turned to a fear of loss of control, and then a flood of negative emotion like domineering, finding something wrong with the other, finding something to be better than, or to fear and run away from...

I see the painful connection between having good memories. Good memories are like little bubbles in the ocean which pop and are quickly replaced with the substance of fear horror dread, then malice, resentment, envy, shame, and guilt.

I really fucking hate this process so much, and thats another thing... I hate that I hate... I shame that I shame. I and guilty over my guilt. There are narratives over my narratives, and its alll a fucking shagging mess.

Anyways.... psobjoweghowipra
For me this is a great outlet... writing and putting things on paper.... like i haven't done this in forever... a word vomit, where the words just come out and theres no stopping it... I feel like this helps...

I don't feel as angry and the spirit of aggression is slowly being let go from my countenance, and my eyes... of which it is usually so visible, that i am angry, and violitile, and ready to explode, or just want to press on salty wounds and to channel my rage into something that I can feel....

Atleast writing about it gives me a sense that I'm doing something about it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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