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Chitemple

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  1. Day 29:I just started working a new job at a restaurantIt's been tough. It's really put my brain through the ringer, but I'm not working and I'm not playing games, and I'm finding myself doing other things now.But unresolved feelings of anger and malice come through me, and it's not because of anyone present, it's the experience of my past, and the trauma I've felt from it.The feeling of estrangment from others is very strong and i dissasociate often and it sucks but I'm hoping when things improve financially, I'll be able to invest in a healthier diet, and more exercise, and i'll have more energy to go out on hikes, and do things in the community. It's difficult sometimes to look at the bright side because I'm like this everyday, and even at work is it so difficult to connect with people.I thought it was other people but its me.. I thought it might be because I have a metaphysical understanding of the universe that other people rarely experience or grasp, and that because I can only relate with higher thinking masters students or people who have broad complex considerations but even then, I always find something to judge, envy, resent, reject or demonize. Its hard to look at myself and to look at others and think, maybe I have to bring myself down, to invest in pop culture, or to get involved in some kind of immature gossip circle, or to talk about tv or to focus on relationships. I find these things petty and difficult to relate with. I found them demonizable for some reason, and somewhat of a reason to ignore people in general. But I'm finding that ignoring people and finding so much to demonize really doesn't make my life easier.. It just makes it harder, and people who feel judged don't like you. It's also difficult to be encouraging because I always feel like people are just dumb or idiots... but then I have to look at myself and see where I am intellectually, or emotionally, or physically... and i see that I treat myself with such degrading and judgemental expressions that I'm actually not good enough for myself, and therefore no one is good enough for me...Its really fucking frustrating that there is so much anger and resentment and fear inside of me, and also writing about it now is somewhat cathartic.Today I stared at a bolt on the wall so I could practice focusing on a single thing, and i found that all the judgements i usually put on other people, or my experiences, I put onto this inanimate object which had no relation to me whatsoever. I could find something wrong with it. I could find a reason to hate it. In fact I could hate it without reason, and that was enlightening to me because it means that no one is causing these feelings in me... because I read that we need to take responsibility for our anger, so i thought that maybe this means that I'm taking responsibility now... because the things in my life that I need no reason to hate, and willfully seek reasons to be discontent with them, are all biological patterns which I've developed for the reason of feeling good.For some reason it feels good to feel distanced to other people, even whne it feels bad. Having the ability to raise my chin and feel condension gives me the ability to feel superior, giving me a self esteem boost... but I read a quote the other day, which said"I wish you so much self-esteem, that you are humble" and this stuck out to me because of the ability to be humble always struck me as something you were as a way not to upset others... i never actually thought of it having anything to do with actually being high in self esteem.... so I was approaching humility the wrong way.... it actually has to do with raising my self esteem in order to develop the ability to make room for others to be better than me...But i have such low self-esteem that it is so difficult to allow people to be better at different things than me. I'm always putting people down in my mind, or covertly by being mean or by ripping people down with objections or reasons they should change... and I come up with justifications so that it seems okay... but Its partly because I don't feel anything... I feel so numb because I have so many memories that I'm blocking, because they hurt too bad and it keeps me from truly loving and feeling emotion...Being filled with hate is so draining, and yet still had a sort of euphoria to it... a sort of malice which comes from the suffering of others.... like playing with food, or rubbing something it.... like a bully does, like people do when they hate eachother for something, or like they do when they want to be powerful, have control, or domineer over something.This power I feel, I get it from malice, from being mean, from ripping into peoples hearts, and savagely sucking their blood, and expecting them to come back for more. I do it by playing a victim and being innocent and feeling incapable of doing anything, feeling overwhelmed by not knowing the way things work and how to succeed in capitalism, and by having anarchistic beliefs about the way things are and the way they should be...My disatatistfaction comes out in malice, and this conditional love, this fury and trigger set, makes me unhappy, and it makes others unhappy, and it makes me feel like breaking things.. it makes me feel like smashing things.I feel so angry at my relationships with my family, and the things I feel when not having money, being dependent, having a difficult time communicating, having a difficult time giving, having a difficult time making love, laughing, enjoying anything. It makes it so difficult to enjoy a memory. I was having a good memory today where I was dancing with my partner in the kitchen last night, and I felt good, but within a second I was filling the memory with fear, anxiety, dread, pain, which turned to a fear of loss of control, and then a flood of negative emotion like domineering, finding something wrong with the other, finding something to be better than, or to fear and run away from...I see the painful connection between having good memories. Good memories are like little bubbles in the ocean which pop and are quickly replaced with the substance of fear horror dread, then malice, resentment, envy, shame, and guilt.I really fucking hate this process so much, and thats another thing... I hate that I hate... I shame that I shame. I and guilty over my guilt. There are narratives over my narratives, and its alll a fucking shagging mess.Anyways.... psobjoweghowipraFor me this is a great outlet... writing and putting things on paper.... like i haven't done this in forever... a word vomit, where the words just come out and theres no stopping it... I feel like this helps...I don't feel as angry and the spirit of aggression is slowly being let go from my countenance, and my eyes... of which it is usually so visible, that i am angry, and violitile, and ready to explode, or just want to press on salty wounds and to channel my rage into something that I can feel....Atleast writing about it gives me a sense that I'm doing something about it.
  2. Yo you guys are awesome @Alexanderle @seriousjay @Netzwerker @masquerade I'm on Day 28, I really like your advice @Alexanderleabout falling in love with the process of self development, and that tip about social pro; and @Netzwerker keeping a document, changing smells, and scenery, and using water and sitting positions. I appreciate that you took the time to write to me and share your insights.. Things have been tough, my cravings to look or play games comes and goes... and I am experiencing a lot of other things with my mood. I'll post more in the journal I have. Thanks guys, Oh I got a job at Kelseys, and am working short but consistent shifts. I also got some gov assistence so I could catch up with some bills, and I'm also working on getting some healthier foods and vitamans, and adding a second job. Funny how I don't mind working so much when I'm not playing games.... I notice how my brain is kind of vapid when I'm not playing games.... so I realize I have to add some kind of stimulation: I've thought about looking into a basketball mens league, mma, and I'm going to create an excercise circuit in my basement... Its so boring not using the extensive reflexes I have to solve problems or to compete in some kind of way. I've also taken up an interest in cooking and learning new recipes. Reading is interesting; i realized today that my memories are sometimes like when I'm reading a book... kinda make it easier to see that my thoughts were more of an illusion taking me out of the present, which i thought was a helpful benefit i didn't realize was possible with reading: I'm reading Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.... It's really great! I love it.. I love travelling with the group. It's so nice to have some unique images in my mind... Almost insatiably refreshing. I've been practicing martial arts for about 8 years now, and i would compete in that but I've had a few concussions and need to stay away from it... but damn, its fun to do tui shou or push hands in english... which is a non violent form of tai chi practice with a partner... haven't been able to do it for awhile and I kinda long for that... would like to get back into it, but need to pay my teacher back to not feel ashamed of going back to him... I owe him $3000, which he understands why I can't pay him, but i really don't feel comfortable accepting any more lessons until I can pay him back. Anyways, That was my bit of rantings... thanks for your support... much love ❤️
  3. Thank you 🙂 I'm glad to offer some ideas. I hope you do!
  4. Thanks brother. Day 12 now. Feeling really irritable, with a terrible memory, brain fog, and my emotions are all over the place. Kinda sucks. Trying to keep things together.
  5. Well, I would like to be in a position where I don't have to worry about making rent, or looking for work, or worrying about going to work the next day. I'd like to work in an atmosphere with creative individuals doing creative things. Making good money, and being able to do what I want when I want because I have the financial freedom for that. I would like to have the professionalism to be able to lead and operate business. And I would like to have a large level of peace and tranquility. pS. Still going strong. Day 12.
  6. Day # 6 Gratitude journal I'm grateful for my home, family, partner, food, shower, clothing, bed, youtube, compassion One amazing thing that happened/I did today Went to the store to get medicine for my partner, had 3 social interactions, cooked breakfast, and made coffee. Workout/run Haven't exercised yet today. I feel very depressed. I am going to have a cold shower then edit after i've done it. Meditation Haven't meditated today. But I could sit for 5 minutes. Visualisation Visualizing.... I haven't done any visualization. What could I visualize? Daily affirmation I am strong. I create positive opportunities. I can talk to people confidently. I am charming and build rapport easily. I feel in touch with the world. Reading + taking notes Haven't read anything today. I look forward to having the interest to read again. Getting to bed before 9pm Bed at 230, 3am last night. Weekly Goal(s) - Sign up of Welfare - Have job by end of the week - Get Health Card - Clean House - Fold Laundry - Cold Showers, Hydrating Mornings, Fit Days - Positively Affirming - Have 200 Social Interactions - Take Partner on Date and have a good time - Have 4 good mood days of 7 Monthly Goal - Positive, confident, ambitious belief about the future - Powerful Vision of the future - Enthusiastic, and Joyful - $350 Savings in account after expenses 3 Month Goal - Get on Positive terms with Jealousy - Get on Positive terms with Envy - Have a $1000 savings in my account after debts What went well today: It's half way through. This morning has gone well. What I could have done to make my day better: More sleep, better food, more energy What I will do differently tomorrow: Sleep longer, wake up earlier, enthusiastically wake for a positive and amazing day.
  7. It's going okay, I'm 6 days off right now. I need help positively affirming a future, with a good outcome
  8. Good day readers, I hope you're all doing well on your journey. I had spent a couple months free of games.. I was juuust starting to feel real passion and interest in reading again, and I having great conversations with my partner. I was opening up vulnerably, and the times of boredom were being experienced in a healthy way. When Jedi Order came out, it really triggered me. I was instantly brought back to my interest in star wars ever since I was young, and thought the game was to good to pass up. I spent a day downloading it, then the next I spent playing it. After three days, I told my partner that I had relapsed, and she was understanding. Its now been 40 days since my relapse. 40 Days, and you could say 40 nights. The results have been unfortunate. I lost my job, because more anti social, depressed, anxious, my sexual performance and interest decreased, I relapsed watching porn. So its been a downward spiral. This is the first time that i've actually recognized that I need a forum or a community to get through this. There are times when you are vulnerable, and you just will be triggerd and you need some sort of outlet. The most recent thing that got me was the witcher tv show, that got me playing the witcher again. What the heck right? Game references are everywhere. I've been triggered by facebook ads, my email, torrent sites, steam, youtube. There's always something that picks on my desire. It is pretty compelling to look at the evidence as addiction as it quickly becomes unmanageable. When you start planning to get alone so you can play, or it's all you can think about. I really wish I could manage it, in moderation, but I can't. So, December 31st is when I'm taking atleast a 90 day challenge. It will be satasfying to get my clarity back, and really put some work into my professional life. Idk if i'm ready, because I know the mood, the nic, the anxiety, the change in everything. It's crazy. Well, thanks for reading, Wish me luck
  9. Hey man, Great that you have some goals for the new year! I've played for the same reason in the past. It's insightful to realize that your lonliness is something that drives you. Goodluck brother!
  10. Hey Tom, Glad to meet upon this interfacing medium There is much potential in you. The force is strong with you. I can see you doing this forsure!
  11. I like the tone in your script Good to see someone like you on the forums. Supportive, and encouraging!
  12. Hello, My name is J, I'm without work, I'm having trouble in my relationship, I have terrible social skills, I am moody, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed. I am looking for worlds of intrigue. I would like to overcome this addiction. Right now I'm writing with the knowledge that I'm going to play the Witcher 3 afterwards, But I am open to learning more about this addiction, and the stages of reset. I think this will help me to succeed. Thank you for this resource. J
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