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Tzen's Journal

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Day 24

          My mind wants to keep putting this journal off a nights and do it the next day. I need to fight these thoughts and just do it while I'm laying in bed. My goal for the start of week 5 is to submit the entries at a set or around a set time. I think consistency is always helpful and my journals should take priority when I'm just laying in bed on my phone. No excuses!

          Yesterday was a decent day. Morning routine as normal and then off to the house. I got to mow the lawn and for some odd reason I always feel really good once I'm finished. If the dopamine is switching there then im ok with it. Started to really think about some hobbies and bowling came to mind; except the nearest ally is 30 minutes away so scratch that. My wife and I had another good talk and it's hard to see the pain I caused in her eyes. Trust was broken and it's going to take a lot for me to rebuild it. Getting home it was dinner shower and bed. I was especially knocked out after taking some benadryl last night. 

-Cheers 

Tzen

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Day 25

          Today was good and meaningful. My wife and I decided to go ahead and start some marriage counseling sessions today. I'm writing it on here to know that this was day 1 of us repairing the damages that I made. After this however, I won't be bringing it back up again as that is more a private matter between us. This journal is for my gaming addiction and beating it. 

          The morning consistency has been great just from reading the news it's great to keep up what's going on in this messed up world. Off to the house for a few hours of work was next. I'm slowly realizing how less of games I already thibk about. The media is still a bit stronger but it's also becoming less and less the more I think about how bad I let it run my life. I don't hate gaming I think what people do and the community it can create is great! But it's a world that I either need a healthier mind about or I need to leave forever. I went to lichess.com two days ago to check out the online chess scene and I don't think I'm up to that just yet. It's just similar to an online game right now rather than me seeing it as a healthy board game. Well, after the house work was our initial counseling session which went good and will be returning. We ended the day with some pizza from pizza hut and I'm about to study for a bit before bed. Baby steps people we can do this!

-Cheers 

Tzen

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Day 26

          It's crazy to see that I'm already on day 26. I know to some of the veterans around here that can seems like such a long time ago but to me, time is flying.

          Morning routine still the same of reading and catching up with world news. Breakfast and off to work on the house still work to be done! Driving down the road I subconsciously tapped to Pokemon red route 1. It was a odd thought but it was the only time a video game jumped into my head the whole day.  

          As we got ready for work I hugged my wife and had a small breakdown. It's hard to look in your partners eyes and just see all the pain behind them it still tears me to pieces. I think it will be a while before I am able to forgive myself for what I have done. After that, we put in our hours and happily came home to a shower and leftover pizza. After drinking our night time tea it was off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. After working at the house I'm helping my best friend move into an apartment. We don't get to hang out as much as we did growing up but that's okay. I may not have had the best brother growing up but I sure as hell got one that makes up for it. Have a good day everyone.

-Cheers

Tzen

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Hey Tzen, I also carried shame and guilt and regret with me for years while I was trying to quit games. I tried many times before finding GQ, I failed them all, and I felt worse and worse. We have all probably hurt people in our lives one way or another and we all feel bad for that. But we can make amends, vow to be honest even in our vulnerability, and it goes a long way to persuade the other person that you're making a real change.

I don't know your partner or your relationship of course, but I think that you sharing a lot of your thoughts and feelings with her must help with that. I have tried keeping my struggles to myself in the past, leaving loved ones out of them because I wanted to appear strong, but for me it was the wrong practice. It helped me much more to let people in the process and what I'm going through, and also gave them this knowledge of what's going on and how and what I'm really working with here.

You're not alone in these feelings but they also have this silver lining, they prove that you've understood what's happened and thus one more reason to not go back, and people will secretly be relieved to see that I think.

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