Jump to content
Tzen1

Tzen's Journal

Recommended Posts

Day 24

          My mind wants to keep putting this journal off a nights and do it the next day. I need to fight these thoughts and just do it while I'm laying in bed. My goal for the start of week 5 is to submit the entries at a set or around a set time. I think consistency is always helpful and my journals should take priority when I'm just laying in bed on my phone. No excuses!

          Yesterday was a decent day. Morning routine as normal and then off to the house. I got to mow the lawn and for some odd reason I always feel really good once I'm finished. If the dopamine is switching there then im ok with it. Started to really think about some hobbies and bowling came to mind; except the nearest ally is 30 minutes away so scratch that. My wife and I had another good talk and it's hard to see the pain I caused in her eyes. Trust was broken and it's going to take a lot for me to rebuild it. Getting home it was dinner shower and bed. I was especially knocked out after taking some benadryl last night. 

-Cheers 

Tzen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 25

          Today was good and meaningful. My wife and I decided to go ahead and start some marriage counseling sessions today. I'm writing it on here to know that this was day 1 of us repairing the damages that I made. After this however, I won't be bringing it back up again as that is more a private matter between us. This journal is for my gaming addiction and beating it. 

          The morning consistency has been great just from reading the news it's great to keep up what's going on in this messed up world. Off to the house for a few hours of work was next. I'm slowly realizing how less of games I already thibk about. The media is still a bit stronger but it's also becoming less and less the more I think about how bad I let it run my life. I don't hate gaming I think what people do and the community it can create is great! But it's a world that I either need a healthier mind about or I need to leave forever. I went to lichess.com two days ago to check out the online chess scene and I don't think I'm up to that just yet. It's just similar to an online game right now rather than me seeing it as a healthy board game. Well, after the house work was our initial counseling session which went good and will be returning. We ended the day with some pizza from pizza hut and I'm about to study for a bit before bed. Baby steps people we can do this!

-Cheers 

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 26

          It's crazy to see that I'm already on day 26. I know to some of the veterans around here that can seems like such a long time ago but to me, time is flying.

          Morning routine still the same of reading and catching up with world news. Breakfast and off to work on the house still work to be done! Driving down the road I subconsciously tapped to Pokemon red route 1. It was a odd thought but it was the only time a video game jumped into my head the whole day.  

          As we got ready for work I hugged my wife and had a small breakdown. It's hard to look in your partners eyes and just see all the pain behind them it still tears me to pieces. I think it will be a while before I am able to forgive myself for what I have done. After that, we put in our hours and happily came home to a shower and leftover pizza. After drinking our night time tea it was off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. After working at the house I'm helping my best friend move into an apartment. We don't get to hang out as much as we did growing up but that's okay. I may not have had the best brother growing up but I sure as hell got one that makes up for it. Have a good day everyone.

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Tzen, I also carried shame and guilt and regret with me for years while I was trying to quit games. I tried many times before finding GQ, I failed them all, and I felt worse and worse. We have all probably hurt people in our lives one way or another and we all feel bad for that. But we can make amends, vow to be honest even in our vulnerability, and it goes a long way to persuade the other person that you're making a real change.

I don't know your partner or your relationship of course, but I think that you sharing a lot of your thoughts and feelings with her must help with that. I have tried keeping my struggles to myself in the past, leaving loved ones out of them because I wanted to appear strong, but for me it was the wrong practice. It helped me much more to let people in the process and what I'm going through, and also gave them this knowledge of what's going on and how and what I'm really working with here.

You're not alone in these feelings but they also have this silver lining, they prove that you've understood what's happened and thus one more reason to not go back, and people will secretly be relieved to see that I think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/19/2019 at 12:15 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

You're not alone in these feelings but they also have this silver lining, they prove that you've understood what's happened and thus one more reason to not go back, and people will secretly be relieved to see that I think.

@fawn_xoxo I think while my wife and I are in an open state of talking I'm going to bring up that ending sentence. She has said before that she hopes I can play in moderation but I don't know if that is her being open about my return (if even) or if she would rather see me quit. Also thanks for following my journal man I'm starting to use that like button more on other people journals it's nice to see that someone read my posts. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 27 (yesterday)

          Well I didn't post day of again but that's okay, I was exhausted yesterday. Morning routine of news and waking up still going strong might try to branch out but for now this routine is still good. Then the day started. Work at the house in the morning no thoughts of games or music coming into my head today. After leaving early from the house I made my wife dinner so she could have something when she got home since I'll be out late. 

          I knew moving would be a challenge not because of the items. I'm a decently strong person and can hold my own. It was more along the lines of some video game talk that might happen. Funny enough I told his mom that I was off video games cold turkey but didn't have the chance to tell him due to getting started moving his items. Video game talk was really low which was great and I felt pretty good afterwords. For one, it helped that I was purely exhausted and all I could think about in the end was laying down; but no thoughts came back into my mind and no cravings, it felt good. I felt it was also a small win that I could hold a small conversation and not break me. 

          Getting back home I had a small snack and just laid on the couch until I could move towards the bed. So one small fact bout me though is I have a small amount of hypochondria so for my sore chest my mind wanted to think that I was having a heart attack. So while dead tired it took some time to fall asleep because of it. Once I got to sleep I was out. 

-Cheers 

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 28 

          Four weeks done!! I can't believe it's already almost been one full month of no gaming and gaming content. These past four weeks have been a challenge and eye opening. I feel like the connection between my wife and I have started to regrow like a new tree. The pain is there and will take time but I'm adamant on fixing my lying self to be a more honest person to her. Another problem I need to fix that was a bit apparent today is procrastination so I'm gonna add it to the list. 

          Day off from the house we had our appointment in the morning together which went good and then lunch out as she had other matters to attend to during the day. After she left my goal was to head over to the house and check up on a few things but for some reason I didn't. After our lunch I just sat in the recliner and was on my phone. Putting off on going to the house and I wonder why. Why didn't I have the motivation to just go do it real quick and come back home? Is this leftover from the addiction about being unmotivated to do stuff? I don't know but I need to explore that side of me more. After the house it was breakfast for dinner and some studying. Feeling pretty tired and sore still from moving and the bad nights sleep in hoping for some good shut eye tonight. Have a good day everyone.

-Cheers

Tzen 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 29 (Sunday)

          Today was a rough day not because of cravings but general unwell. The day was fine no work at the house but we had family events today. They went great but could have been better if I was feeling better. Once we got back home late at night I showered up and climbed right into bed. Felt better when I got to lay down and fell asleep. Tomorrow will be better after a good long rest.

-Cheers 

Tzen 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 30 (Monday)

          Well it's the morning of day 31 and it was another rough day. Stomach knocked me pretty flat of my feet most of the day. On top of being constipated I have a odd symptom of not being able to burp so it all doubles up on me. House was fine not much work to be done on it right now and the rest of the day went alright other than being lethargic all day. Was hoping for a good night's sleep but after sleep almost 13 hours last night I was awake most of the night. When I got back out of bed last night the game cravings hit hard! I wanted to play game until I could fall asleep but I decided to do some excersies to drain my body out. Now the morning of day 31 and 3 hours of sleep my goal is just survive the day until bed and try to fix this sleep schedule. Have a good day.

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 31 (Tuesday)

          So the whole 3 hours of sleep business was not fun. Appointment in the morning and then attempted to do work at the house. The work however I felt was not a lot but what can you do when your falling asleep at every turn. The cravings have been mild feeling stressed and gaming not to relieve it has sucked but that's okay that's why we fight against it to rewire our brains. With my sleep schedule being off I attempted the no phone 2 hours before bed and I read for the first time tonight. Albeit, it was my wife's Dear Evan Hanson book it helped me get to sleep after the first 120 pages. We are going to a book store today so I'm going to look for something I'm interested in. 

          My wife and I are going on a trip for the next few days. I'm excited but it will be odd not bringing the switch while we have downtime in the hotel room. I'll still be posting. It's going to be a long drive today. Have a good day everyone.

          P.S. If anyone is on we be at the book store in about 3 hours. So          fantasy or a good series reccomendation would be awesome!

-Cheers

Tzen 

Edited by Tzen1
Grammer
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 32 (Wednesday)

          Well today was driving day. I have made the drive plenty of times but 3 hours is still a long time in the car. Made it to our first checkpoint for lunch and Barnes and Noble. Decided to check out the Kingkiller chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss. After that it was one more checkpoint and then our destination. No game cravings but the game music sure does not want to leave my mind. It came and went on the drive but I did my best to kick it out when it popped up. After making it too the hotel it's was check in, clean the room, and then lay in the bed. After getting up to shower and crawl back in said bed I decided to make my nighttime routine of reading instead of being on my phone. I forgot how enjoyable reading can be so I hope to keep this up now for forever. Anyway bad night sleep projected because it's not my own bed see y'all in the AM.

-Cheers 

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 33-35

          Back home from our trip. Vacation was good and nice to spend time with my wife. Slept horrible all trip, 3 hours a night at most. Stomach still not feeling great so I'm looking forward to Monday for my physical. Anyway dinner and bed soon hopefully a long night sleep in my own bed. Will report more tomorrow. While being sick is a high time to play games to get my mind off of things I now look more forward to reading my book at night. Anyway have a good day.

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 36 & 37 (Sunday & Monday)

          Posts are gonna be combined for the next few days it's crunch time on our house before we move in! Starting with Sunday.

          Such a good night sleep! Slept like a baby all night long. After a great night sleep I read the news like normal and then something magical happened. So my stomach problems long story short has been constipation. Oh boy, did a bowel movement just make all the pain go away it was amazing and disgusting at the same time! After that great morning it was time to work on the house. No cravings still but I can't beat the video game music I don't know if I'll ever win on that front but as long as it stays in my head and I don't go hunting for it online to watch videos I should be okay. Onwards to the night my best friend got married. While my friends are some party animals I feel like I'm the old man of the group. I don't enjoy drinking or doing any partying it's never really been my thing. I have always enjoyed the quiet evenings inside playing games growing up and even in adulthood. While it was me and my wife we stood on the outside and it was nice to watch my friend enjoy his night and how happy he looked. As the reception was leaning toward the end we left just a bit early to prepare for the long day tomorrow.

          Today was a long day. Had a physical so no food until after blood work. Morning routine was fine after another great night sleep. Went to get my physical and after talking with my doctor I realized I haven't branched out to all the news areas I thought I had. With him being Puerto Rican I didn't have about the governor and what's been going on over there. It was nice to realize something new. After the doctor it was a quick trip home to change and work on the house. More video game music in my head but it leaves just as quick as it comes into my head. After taking on the house by myself today it was time to head home and do some grocery shopping. With Taco Bell in our tummies it was time for some relaxation before bed. 

          Reading the book before bed has been so beneficial to me. It's crazy how good this book is and it fills my imagination much more than games did. If I could go back and do week 1 again it would be to start reading at night immediately. If anyone makes it down here and are about to start your journey pick up a book, any book, and read it during your first week it will make so much more of an impact than when I started to late in the game.

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 38-40

          So I know it's been a few days since I posted but today (day 41) is the calm before the storm. The past few days have been long hours at the house. With routines in the morning and at night on hold all focus was finishing this house. The one thing I am happy to be able to keep was my sleeping schedule. Waking up at 7am has helped my body fall asleep easier at night instead of staying up all night along. This is odd for me to say after playing game so long but I miss reading at nights when I don't get to. Those words would never cone out of my mouth if I was still addicted to games like I was. 

          Game cravings have been low. Did have more urges to check what was going on in the gaming world and news but those impulses came and went. Game music still likes to pop in my head here and there but I'm starting to realize when a tune comes and try to change my thinking. While we are about to move in I think I have found my hobby as a tinkerer. Our freeze had a small leak near the ice machine so I took off the whole front panel and fixed it myself. It was like a puzzle and I enjoyed and got frustrated at the same time. Anyway next post might be Saturday if I have energy or Sunday for sure. Have a great day. 

-Cheers

Tzen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 41-44

          IT'S OVER! While we still have a lot of interior work to work on the move was successful. We are tired and sore but we are happy to finally be in a place that is a house and not an apartment. We recently got our internet back up and I can start posting back on a better schedule now. 

          My hobby as of now if going to learn how to be a repair man. I want to learn how to do a lot of do it your self fixes. Learning and watching videos as well as experimenting on disassemble stuff around the house to understand better on what it does. As far as game cravings go I really haven't had much if any at all. I still see ads here and there over games I played a lot like destiny, rocket league, etc. but they don't phase me like before. The need or want to check the latest and greatest due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or having the new hot game is now a dwindling dying flame. I did jam out to a remix of dire dire docks that got stuck in my head but music never gave me a crave to play the actual game.

          I also saw @fawn_xoxo is taking a break I ment to write sooner but all I had time to did was drop a like. Take care of yourself man you will be missed! 

          Well back on the journal grind no excuses anymore for late entries. Take care people

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Tzen1 said:

Days 41-44

          IT'S OVER! While we still have a lot of interior work to work on the move was successful. We are tired and sore but we are happy to finally be in a place that is a house and not an apartment. We recently got our internet back up and I can start posting back on a better schedule now. 

          My hobby as of now if going to learn how to be a repair man. I want to learn how to do a lot of do it your self fixes. Learning and watching videos as well as experimenting on disassemble stuff around the house to understand better on what it does. As far as game cravings go I really haven't had much if any at all. I still see ads here and there over games I played a lot like destiny, rocket league, etc. but they don't phase me like before. The need or want to check the latest and greatest due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or having the new hot game is now a dwindling dying flame. I did jam out to a remix of dire dire docks that got stuck in my head but music never gave me a crave to play the actual game.

          I also saw @fawn_xoxo is taking a break I ment to write sooner but all I had time to did was drop a like. Take care of yourself man you will be missed! 

          Well back on the journal grind no excuses anymore for late entries. Take care people

-Cheers

Tzen

Stay strong with cravings and know that you can overcome them. We all face different struggles and how we face them defines our character. You got this. 

Also, April Wilkerson has some great workshop videos for creating and fixing things. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 45

          @BooksandTrees thanks for the heads up on April's YouTube channel her diy projects look great! It's funny as cravings go. How looking at gift cards jog my memory of what I used to do. It makes me sick that I couldn't stop myself. I know cravings will get better but I also need to learn on how to let go. How to let go of the past and my mistakes and start improving myself and the future. I still have a lot of inward self work but I know I'll get there. It's funny how I'm talking about this the same day I watch Avatar the last airbender with the scene with the guru and opening of the human chakra points. 

          As for my day it's been kind of sluggish. I think my wife and I caught a small food bugfrom dinner last night so we had some rough stomachs in the morning. She got better as the day went on but for me I have been feeling slow all day. After doing my errands my last stop was to pick up some bread at the store. Game cravings will low as they have been but seeing gift cards here and there will bring those memories back. As I said above it's just something I need to work on still. Getting home my stomach still wasn't feeling happy so I had a small sandwich and it's of water to wash it down with. Headed off to bed now so here is to some good sleep.

-Cheers 

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 46- 50

 

          Been having a lot of trouble recently. My anxiety and panic attacks have been flaring up. I have had this problem for a long time now (runs in the family) and have been battling it to keep it at bay. I decided it is time to go see a doctor again and see what they said. I tried medicine out a couple years ago but it was too much for me to handle. Also haven't been feeling to well either so I haven't done to much.

          With the house being pretty much done for the time being depression has also set in. As a history teacher who didn't get a job for this school it's going to be a long year again of not teaching, and it sucks. I decided after I take this certification test I might branch out and get my network+ certification and maybe work my way into IT. I also need to start working out a bit more because I can guarantee that's the first thing the doctor is gonna ask. I thought about what a new hobby could be and it's been on the tough side even with the hobby picker this website has. I really still would like to do chess but I'm afraid of doing it online.

          As I am hitting day 50 not playing games is still pretty easy but my problem is still the news side of things. It's so strange still how powerful the news can make the FOMO feeling just come straight to your brain. It's funny because a lot of the news i used to read over games are ones I never wanted to play. It's just the real world news I just want to keep up with what's going on in both worlds. So I think I'm probably going to have to go over the 90 day limit. Not to just quit gaming but get my mindset back on track about gaming media/news and not let it control my life again. 

Here is to 50 days of no gaming and o media watching of games.

-Cheers

Tzen

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 51 and 52 

          So the past couple of days have been rough. I think my kidneys have been acting up so I am going to see a doctor tomorrow. Also, after talking with my wife, who is amazing, she made some points about my problems. So I'm going to try and battle my demons instead of suppressing them. 

          Been thinking about games and watching media while not feeling good but I'm committed to finishing this. 

          Have a good day everyone hopefully more information tomorrow. 

-Cheers 

Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Tzen1 said:

Days 51 and 52 

          So the past couple of days have been rough. I think my kidneys have been acting up so I am going to see a doctor tomorrow. Also, after talking with my wife, who is amazing, she made some points about my problems. So I'm going to try and battle my demons instead of suppressing them. 

          Been thinking about games and watching media while not feeling good but I'm committed to finishing this. 

          Have a good day everyone hopefully more information tomorrow. 

-Cheers 

Tzen

Hope you feel better soon and find an answer. Deal with your issues 1 by 1 and don't put the world on your shoulders regarding finishing these goals and fixing yourself right away. Be patient and know this is your journey now. You're also allowed to enjoy life in different ways on the journey when available. You got this.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/13/2019 at 8:50 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Hope you feel better soon and find an answer. Deal with your issues 1 by 1 and don't put the world on your shoulders regarding finishing these goals and fixing yourself right away. Be patient and know this is your journey now. You're also allowed to enjoy life in different ways on the journey when available. You got this.

Days 53 and 54 (Writing on day 55)

          Thanks for the motivating words @BooksandTrees the mind can be such a prick sometimes. So came back from the doctor after having a couple of tests done and everything is normal. Depression, Anxiety, and panic attacks all bundled up with hypochondria; its amazing how much mental health plays a role in our bodies. A couple years back I attempted a semi-high dose of depression medication that threw me for a loop. I was scared since then to start them back up. After talking with my doctor the other day we decided to try a low low dose of a different brand of medicine and then half that pill to gradually build me up to the already low dose of a full pill. The hardest part about all of this is accepting that mental health is the problem. Coming to terms is hard but I feel better doing so and to help with my hypochondria you guessed it a second journal. This one is physical though and I have a little notebook I carry with me to write it all down. 

          For the past couple of days its been especially tough. Teachers everywhere are starting there year again (shout out to @BrassWolf I hope your school year goes great!) and its been hard as me and my wife moved back down to be closer to family and its year 2 of not having a teaching job. Being a history teacher and not a coach is rough in the state of Texas. So jobs come far and few for me and not being able to teach and just be a substitute blows. While I am pursing extra certifications I decided I am going to work on my fall back career now in IT. I'm currently going through Cybrary,s lessons over network+ in order to work my way into the IT world. Having something to drive me now is helping me get back on my feet after knocking myself down so much. If any of you IT people have any tips and tricks I would love to know them. 

          As for routines go my morning routine has been slipping a bit and going onto Reddit and Imgur a bit more although I am following Hong Kong right now. But night time has been great I have been doing better staying off my phone and reading my book which I am getting close to finishing! its been a long time since I finished a book this big! well that about sums it up right now for these past couple of days. Keeps your minds healthy and in shape people but don't be afraid to bring it up if you have no one to talk to.

Cheers

-Tzen

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Tzen1 said:

Days 53 and 54 (Writing on day 55)

          Thanks for the motivating words @BooksandTrees the mind can be such a prick sometimes. So came back from the doctor after having a couple of tests done and everything is normal. Depression, Anxiety, and panic attacks all bundled up with hypochondria; its amazing how much mental health plays a role in our bodies. A couple years back I attempted a semi-high dose of depression medication that threw me for a loop. I was scared since then to start them back up. After talking with my doctor the other day we decided to try a low low dose of a different brand of medicine and then half that pill to gradually build me up to the already low dose of a full pill. The hardest part about all of this is accepting that mental health is the problem. Coming to terms is hard but I feel better doing so and to help with my hypochondria you guessed it a second journal. This one is physical though and I have a little notebook I carry with me to write it all down. 

          For the past couple of days its been especially tough. Teachers everywhere are starting there year again (shout out to @BrassWolf I hope your school year goes great!) and its been hard as me and my wife moved back down to be closer to family and its year 2 of not having a teaching job. Being a history teacher and not a coach is rough in the state of Texas. So jobs come far and few for me and not being able to teach and just be a substitute blows. While I am pursing extra certifications I decided I am going to work on my fall back career now in IT. I'm currently going through Cybrary,s lessons over network+ in order to work my way into the IT world. Having something to drive me now is helping me get back on my feet after knocking myself down so much. If any of you IT people have any tips and tricks I would love to know them. 

          As for routines go my morning routine has been slipping a bit and going onto Reddit and Imgur a bit more although I am following Hong Kong right now. But night time has been great I have been doing better staying off my phone and reading my book which I am getting close to finishing! its been a long time since I finished a book this big! well that about sums it up right now for these past couple of days. Keeps your minds healthy and in shape people but don't be afraid to bring it up if you have no one to talk to.

Cheers

-Tzen

Great job with this. I, along with multiple people in our situations, have the same issues with anxiety, depression, and hypochondria. Anxiety causes all of it. Gamers have high anxiety because of how demanding it is and how it can bombard our minds while doing real life issues. Most gamers are tricked because they relax and feel they escape their stress in games, but that turns to toxicity after a while because if the game goes bad on top of real life then that's two worlds destroyed for them. 

I'm also seeing a doctor next weekend regarding medication. Although I've been boxing, rock climbing, and socializing more and my stress has gone down big time. I haven't felt depressed in weeks after reaching my lowest point 3 weeks ago. I've also been able to work on hobbies and give myself a break when needed. 

Take your time, try not to worry. Live your life and through living you'll begin to crave activities. I saw a boxing studio and felt the need to exercise because of stress. I'm now training 2 hours a day there. It's amazing. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...