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Average_Guy

Forging a New Path

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On 3/2/2019 at 3:23 PM, Average_Guy said:

3/2/2019 - Day 21

My parents will be home in a few hours, which will be nice so I won't have the house to myself.  I'm having another micro-urge to watch OSRS videos again and I'm not sure why.  I don't know if I'm having a mini-detox from watching gaming content in the past during my video game playing detox.   

Instead, I'm just going to hop on my cheap, exercise bike and get close to finishing my book Killing Commendatore.  It's easily been one of the top 5 fiction books I've ever read if anyones interested.  Hopefully after 30 minutes of peddling, I will be able to build up enough motivation to do something productive later.  If not, at least I can blame it on being a lazy-restful Saturday.  

Edit: It's later in the day, and as I do a small pros and cons list, I feel like I have a very good excuse to game..  Since quitting I've become marginally more productive.  I'm probably exercising better, but other than that, when I was gaming I would be on my exercise bike for upwards of an hour to an hour and a half a day.  I'm stretching more and definitely reading a lot more, but I'm also consuming more Netflix now that I'm not gaming.  I've picked up some new software, and I haven't painted yet, but other than that. I haven't seen much difference in productivity.  

I'm a little more confident and my heads clearer, but on the other side of things I'm still tired as hell for 50-70% of the day.  And I feel that with this chronic fatigue, among other symptoms, isn't allowing me to be as productive as I could be, and I'm not even close to preforming how I have when I was healthy.  The last semester I was at school, I killed it with my grades, and a few summers before that I played 100 rounds of golf in 1 summer.  I have so much potential, but while I'm still sick it feels like for the majority of the time, I'm just waiting.  Waiting til I can get back to my normal self.

I'll have a job in a few weeks, and that'll give me some more stability with whatever decision I make.  That being said, I still can't get myself to game.  I have no idea why, but I just can't yet.  On Wednesday I'm meeting with a new doctor that might be able to help me with a big problem that my current doctor refused to help me with.  In all honesty, if this doctor can't help me with my issue that would greatly help my chronic fatigue, then I really can't see much of a reason why I shouldn't just play OSRS while I'm in this phase of life where I have to wait.  

Gamings addicting to me, but I've quit multiple times successfully.  I quit after high school when I wanted to be social and I quit over a year ago when I went back to school.  I didn't think about it once until I got so sick I had to drop out and move home with my parents again.  Then I was so sick I needed something to entertain me because I could hardly do anything.

Maybe my brains trying to justify playing right now.  It's not that the urges are overwhelming, if anything their underwhelming.  I'm just sick of being sick and stuck, not able to put forth my best effort, and not having control over these things.  Going to talk it over with my parents and see what they think.

Sorry for such a lengthy post..

Don't feel bad about opening up like this.  Being sick is frustrating and happens to be a very strong reason people relapse.  They get the flu, mono, cancer, etc. and start to game because of the down time and how alluring it is for them.  It's one of those things where you'll eventually find out what's wrong and it will help you move forward and lead a life you want to live.  Right now it seems your body and mind want and need rest.  This is good, just frustrating.  Now you're tasked with coming up with things to do or help you relax while you're not at your best and that is fine.  Just another challenge that I know you can excel at.  You've been successful in everything you've done so far and I know you will find something interesting during this chapter of your life as well.

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@BooksandTrees I don't know what to say other than I really appreciate this!  I might have pretty valid excuses at the moment, but this also makes me want to continue to grow and improve, even during this period of healing.  Still not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I'll be trying to figure it out.

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It's something you'll know when it starts happening.  It's like talking to that girl you know you like when there's other girls around.  It just clicks.  Until then it's just trying a new hobby and seeing how it goes, or manipulating a hobby and seeing how you can make it yours.  There's going to be plenty of hobbies.  Just not porn or video games.  Or drugs and alcohol lol. etc.

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3/4/2019 - Day 23

Tired as hell today.  Fell asleep 2 hours after waking up and again around 4:30.  I've been either laying on the couch, reading, or taking a bath all day.  I just watched a Netflix show 'Abstract' on interior design with my parents.  It was pretty interesting, but this whole day has been pretty shit.  I don't know if I'll go to sleep anytime soon considering I napped twice today, but you never know.  I just have to make it through one more full day until I finally consult this new doctor.  Going to continue to hold off on gaming.  I'm really hoping this doctor can help me, not exactly sure what I can do if it doesn't work out.

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10 minutes ago, Average_Guy said:

3/4/2019 - Day 23

Tired as hell today.  Fell asleep 2 hours after waking up and again around 4:30.  I've been either laying on the couch, reading, or taking a bath all day.  I just watched a Netflix show 'Abstract' on interior design with my parents.  It was pretty interesting, but this whole day has been pretty shit.  I don't know if I'll go to sleep anytime soon considering I napped twice today, but you never know.  I just have to make it through one more full day until I finally consult this new doctor.  Going to continue to hold off on gaming.  I'm really hoping this doctor can help me, not exactly sure what I can do if it doesn't work out.

Stay strong. It could be mono or some other major illness that will require you to reach new strengths, or it could be something so minor as an allergy or something. I'll be hoping for the best for you. 

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3/5/2019 - Day 24

Woke up and finally had a little relief this morning.  I ate a decent breakfast and went to the gym where I biked, then took a steam and a shower.  I'm honestly surprised I made it through yesterday, I was so miserable.  But, over the last 8 years of being chronically sick, I think I've developed more resilience than I've ever had before, because of that I was able to survive the slog yesterday.  Time seems to slow to a crawl when you're waiting on something you want really badly (the new Doc tomorrow).

Today might be a little easier, but not much.  Instead of managing chronic fatigue, I have to fight to try and be productive.  For a little less than a week I've been glued to the couch and binging TV, now I have to try and reverse those habits again.  Of course, if I get encouraging news tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to hop into a better routine much more easily.

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You're waiting for external circumstances to make you feel better. Even though treatments can make your body stronger, that is only a small factor compared to your own mind. What if the doctor doesn't have anything useful for you? Are you just gonna give up? Are you only going to fight hard if someone else gives you a bone? That's like flipping a coin. If you retain this mindset, there will be another external circumstance that will put you down and then you'll say the same thing. "If only XYZ didn't happen/happened!". One of the main tenets of self-development is taking responsibility for your situation. Doesn't matter what bad or good things happen to you, it's always YOU who chooses how to respond to it. And the range of responses you have available is massively wider than you think. Don't wait for someone else to fix you. Fight the hardest you can to take the absolute best action at every moment and if somebody makes it easier for you - cool, you can run faster. If somebody makes it harder for you - cool, you still keep going. You are the master of your life, not some dumb bacteria or a doctor or whatever the fuck. 

Edited by JustTom
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@JustTom You're right.  But I also didn't explain myself well enough when I said..

5 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

Of course, if I get encouraging news tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to hop into a better routine much more easily.

I'm definitely not giving up if this doctor doesn't have a solution, I just have to change my strategy.  I don't expect you to fully understand the illness I'm going up against as it would take too long to explain.  Motivation and drive are very different and all I meant by the quote above is that I'd just have a little more motivation that day or a little extra bump of dopamine.   Which, in the grand scheme of things is meaningless, but it'd just make tomorrow a little more pleasant.  That's all I meant.

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3/6/2019 - Day 25

Welp, I've made it to day 25, and more specifically, to my much anticipated doctors appointment!  I had a great conversation with her and she knew exactly what I was talking about.  She gave me some new Chinese medicine which I will try out over the next few weeks, and I'm very optimistic that it will help with my Kidney problems.  

The kidney issue has been bothering me for the last 3-4 months, once it's taken care of we can go back to the normal treatment.  But there will be huge benefits from focusing on this for a few weeks.  Meeting with someone from a potential workplace on Friday.  Big things to come I think.

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3/7/2019 - Day 27

Parents are going out of town for 5 days for the 3rd weekend in a row.  The new medicine I've been prescribed will take a couple days to fully kick in.  All last week felt like I was waiting for something to happen, and now I see myself once again waiting for results.  It's like I'm being tested again, and it's taking a lot of patients and discipline, of which I feel like I don't have much.   I am noticing some of my fatigue in the mornings going away, and it's a bit easier to get to bed at night which is a plus.

I guess the plan is to continue to keep myself as busy as is possible when you live at home w/out a job.  I'm hoping I'll get to go to work soon and hopefully that will be something I can sink more time and effort into.  I had set my expectations pretty high for this week, so when it wasn't exactly met, I was a bit disappointed, which is my own fault.  

Idk, I have a lot of my mind.  

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4 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

3/7/2019 - Day 27

Parents are going out of town for 5 days for the 3rd weekend in a row.  The new medicine I've been prescribed will take a couple days to fully kick in.  All last week felt like I was waiting for something to happen, and now I see myself once again waiting for results.  It's like I'm being tested again, and it's taking a lot of patients and discipline, of which I feel like I don't have much.   I am noticing some of my fatigue in the mornings going away, and it's a bit easier to get to bed at night which is a plus.

I guess the plan is to continue to keep myself as busy as is possible when you live at home w/out a job.  I'm hoping I'll get to go to work soon and hopefully that will be something I can sink more time and effort into.  I had set my expectations pretty high for this week, so when it wasn't exactly met, I was a bit disappointed, which is my own fault.  

Idk, I have a lot of my mind.  

Keep going with it.  It sucks you have the parents going out, but do you have any challenges you can present with yourself to keep motivated during these 5 days while you're waiting for the medicine to take effect?  Would you ever try a reading or drawing challenge?  Any instrument you've wanted to learn?  Do you ever write TV show or movie reviews for the shows you've watched?

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3/8/2019 - Day 28

I just finished lunch with the HR director at my Uncles company.  We had a great conversation, but she told me that there wasn't room for me to work there after they picked up a 3rd party to do the video editing for the company.  I was actually completely fine with this and even prepared for that outcome.  If anything, I'm excited because now I can look into different avenues of work which I'm probably more interested in.  

My cousin just got in town for a few days from college, so we're about to go to the gym, take a steam, then we're going to the movies with some other people tonight.  We're going to see Captain Marvel which looks like it'll be pretty good!

 

14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Keep going with it.  It sucks you have the parents going out, but do you have any challenges you can present with yourself to keep motivated during these 5 days while you're waiting for the medicine to take effect?  Would you ever try a reading or drawing challenge?  Any instrument you've wanted to learn?  Do you ever write TV show or movie reviews for the shows you've watched?

I like this idea!  Thankfully I have a pretty full day today, but I will give it some thought and see if there's something I could do to challenge myself this week.  Maybe I could write a review for Captain Marvel later tonight.  😁

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Just a few more thoughts..   (Also, pardon my language.)

I've still been struggling with the thought of video games.  I'm a pretty decent video editor and I was just given unlimited access to extremely expensive royalty free music a few days ago.  The essence of a great video is the story, and I had a great story of working hard to gain skill in order to have fame and riches on OSRS.  So I imagined myself making the amazing, high quality OSRS video content that would be consumed and loved.  I visualized all the different songs and high quality edits I would use, and maybe I could make a living of that...

But it's just a fantasy.

I was just reading through the /r/nofap subreddit.  I try not to get on reddit very much, but I just felt like reading it tonight.  It made me remember why I started the no gaming journey.  I am so fucking sick of being a slave to these fantasies.  All they have done is tear me down and cause me to stumble.  It's easy and comfortable in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things it only makes your life much, much harder.

Which is why I'm not going to give in.  I'm not going to let myself imagine making gaming content, it's just another mind game to get me to play.  It's time to keep healing my mind, body, and soul.  

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world."

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3/9/2019 - Day 29

Tomorrow will be day 30, which is another small milestone I have.  Today though, I've had a little more energy than the last 7-10 days, which has been super nice.  I also studied Japanese for the first time in over a week too, which was refreshing and fun.  I worked out at the gym this morning, and wowzers, there were a lot of females around.  But I will say that it feels good to not be one of those creepy guys who's always trying to sneak a look at the women, I definitely take pride in that.  

I got invited out to dinner by my aunt and uncle who I had dinner with last night which is nice.  I guess you could say I feel a little validated, that I'm at least good company to be around.  🙂

Other than that, it's just another day.

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3 hours ago, Average_Guy said:

3/9/2019 - Day 29

Tomorrow will be day 30, which is another small milestone I have.  Today though, I've had a little more energy than the last 7-10 days, which has been super nice.  I also studied Japanese for the first time in over a week too, which was refreshing and fun.  I worked out at the gym this morning, and wowzers, there were a lot of females around.  But I will say that it feels good to not be one of those creepy guys who's always trying to sneak a look at the women, I definitely take pride in that.  

I got invited out to dinner by my aunt and uncle who I had dinner with last night which is nice.  I guess you could say I feel a little validated, that I'm at least good company to be around.  🙂

Other than that, it's just another day.

Good job resisting the urges.  I love going to the gym and talking to the women there when I get the chance lol.  I'm not creepy.  I just say hi in passing and talk to the people at the front.  If conversation feels right or a quick joke I go for it.  Fuck it, why not?  They're attractive and in shape, something I'm looking for.

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@BooksandTrees .  Oh Ya!  I totally agree, I almost always try to say hi or nod in passing with most people, it's just a habit.  But you can usually tell which guys objectify women and which guys don't, I just don't want to ever be one of those guys.  That being said, I'm definitely more  attracted to women who take care of themselves and work out too!

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3/10/2019 - Day 30

Couldn't sleep last night.  I felt pretty depressed and frustrated at the same time, like I'm stuck and can't do too much about it.  Finally fell asleep right around 2 after going downstairs and chilling for a bit.  The sermon this morning was something I needed to hear.  It was about Psalm 38, which is about sickness and the human condition.  I definitely felt a little comfort knowing that sickness is just part of the human condition, and it will exist as long as we are human (if that makes sense).  

Anyways, made it to day 30.  Seeing the doc in an hour or so.  Having a few unpleasant symptoms so I'm going to see if she can help me with those.

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You can also use sickness to get closer to God by offering him your pain, just like Jesus offered his pain to his Father. You can improve much faster when you are sick.

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