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Gaming Zombie

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6/90 day

Finally, I have decided to start my journal, because last two days there stresful for me and needed a place to lay it off. Plus, it would be cool later in my life to read them.

I am Dovydas (in english call me David) from Lithuania who is studying medicine and have finished paramedics. I have gaming problem about which i talked more in my introduction.

Long term goals:
Quit gaming/internet surfing
Learn german language
Feel comfortable talking to people and find gf
Find a hobby I am passionate about
Get a summer body
Find a job and move out from parents

Short term goals:
Prepare for exam which consists of 12 parts untill next thursday (0/12)
Return the uniform back to paramedics
Go to sleep before 00:00
Visit friends basement gym
Force myself to study for a hour daily without breaks (it will help to increase my atention)
Meet friends or new people
And more will be added!

What happened today?
After a bad day yesterday (barely passed the gesture exam and avoided friendly group meeting) i thought this day could not get any worse! I was wrong. I and my colleague had to prepare sample for examination, but added to much paint and it was ruined... Anyways, returned home early and started battling with my demons. It was 3 pm and I had nothing to do untill sleep(except studying which i didn't want to do). Big problem i have, that i live far from city center, so it takes about 30 minutes to reach friends or other activities. Thoughts about gaming started coming like: "one gaming hour won't damage you" or "you are studying about viruses, remeber that cool game about it?". Tried chatting with one girl who is really into me(but i don't like her, because she is also gamer and her lifestyle is quite destructive), but it didn't help. The suffering continued with these plagued thoughts for hours untill suddenly, it was stopped by a message from a person who forced me to quit gaming in first place. That person was a girl, i really loved, but she left me with another guy. So, back to the story, she wrote me to apologise, how she acted and wanted to know if i am angry at her. I used this moment, to tell about my addiction, but she just replied that she was not expecting that, asked again if i feel anger towards her. I told no, she said ok and wished me luck in life. This left me in shock, i don't know why, maybe because i was expecting something from her or maybe that cold ending has killed me, but at least it helped my gaming thoughts to go away.

How I feel?
Devasted, sad, but somehow stable. Won't go gaming to run away from my feelings.

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Hey, I hope you are doing alright. It's okay to feel bored, sad, lonely, and perhaps angry at times, but trust me, they will pass in one way or another.

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@Lea @Phoenixking Thank you guys for support!

7/90 day

Long term goals:
Quit gaming/internet surfing
Learn german language
Feel comfortable talking to people and find gf
Find a hobby I am passionate about
Get a summer body
Find a job and move out from parents

Short term goals:
Prepare for exam which consists of 12 parts untill next thursday (1/12)
Return the uniform back to paramedics
Go to sleep before 00:00
Visit friends basement gym
Force myself to study for a hour daily without breaks (it will help to increase my atention) ✔
Meet friends or new people ✔

What happened today?
The day started quite rough, had a surgery lesson, in which we visited patients, checked, examined them, there was a chance to overclimb myself and gather whole information from patient, but i rather gave this task to other colleague. Left lessons early, because i felt tired and out of mood. Almost went to fast food restauraunt, but somehow persuaded myself to avoid it. Got home early and found my father at home. He works as a truck driver and leaves home for several months. After talking to him felt sad, because we were too distant from each other and he doesn't care about his health at all. Abuses alcohol, eats everythings he likes, smokes cigarattes. This is triggering me, because he is living bomb, which would one day blow up. Our family is blessed with some of the genes and some not: no one had cancer, stroke or even heart attack, but we all have one problem - we are addicted to something. My grandfather had drug addiction while working as a doctor, but managed to overcome it, my mother has smoking cigarattes addiction, but also overcame it and becamed psychologist at addiction center, my father has alcohol and smoking addiction, my sister has IAD and in the end, I tried to avoid drinking, smoking, but addiction found its way by form of games. I am wondering, what kind of addiction my children will have?

So, after talking with my father, i studied histology for a couple of hours, tried one hour without distraction studying challange. It was harder than i thought, but i am happy that I did it. Ended my day meeting with old friend, but she just reminded about a person I loved. Anyways, I would call this day a win, because i studied, but the hardest challange comes in the next 2 days - weekend... My greatest enemy... God bless me to stay strong having all this free time.

How I feel?
Decent, sad, angry a bit.

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Planning the weekend will help you get through it. How will you spend your time? Also, planning is a great way to "force" yourself to stick to your decisions and don't find excuses at the last minute. I also suggest you to journal every day. It helps a lot. Part of your family overcame their addiction problem, you can be inspired by them and work to your goals ? 

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8/90 day

Long term goals:
Quit gaming/internet surfing
Learn german language
Feel comfortable talking to people and find gf
Find a hobby I am passionate about
Get a summer body
Find a job and move out from parents

Short term goals:
Prepare for exam which consists of 12 parts untill next thursday (2/12)
Return the uniform back to paramedics
Go to sleep before 00:00
Visit friends basement gym
Force myself to study for a hour daily without breaks (it will help to increase my atention) ✔
Meet friends or new people

What happened today?
Damn, fighting this illness is getting extremly hard. Today I barely held myself from gaming, but spend huge amount of time watching tv cop shows. Still i would call today a minor progress, becaue probably it is first saturday in last 6-7 months in which i havent played any video games. Also, studied a bit for exam and thanks to @info-gatherer  planned my tomorrow. One last thing, I think i need to start going to actual sport instead home training. Thinking about 3 things: krav maga(mainly for self-defence), karate (mainly for sturdier, athletic body) or gym(mainly for bulkier muscles). All did in the past. Probably i ll choose gym, because other 2 involves groups and my anxiety is over the roof.

How I feel?
Hopeless

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11/90

Long term goals:
Quit gaming/internet surfing
Learn german language
Feel comfortable talking to people and find gf
Find a hobby I am passionate about
Get a summer body
Find a job and move out from parents

Short term goals:
Prepare for exam which consists of 12 parts untill thursday (8/12)
Return the uniform back to paramedics
Go to sleep before 00:00 ✔
Visit friends basement gym
Force myself to study for a hour daily without breaks (it will help to increase my atention)
Meet friends or new people ✔

What happened today?

I was out for couple of days, but not because i relapsed. I studied hard for these days, 10 plus hours and felt to tired even to check on what is  happening around. Today was kind of a special day, I went to neurosurgery group meeting, even thou I didn't say a word, I still feel proud of myself for going out. In the end of the day, I met interesting girl on dating app. She studies veterinary and is active camper(this could be a key for myself to become one). Seems like we have many things in common, but one thing worries me, that she admited being often cold and never loved a guy. Hope to be first and last lover for her!

How I feel?

Very tired, but happy for having crush on someone again

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Thanks Lea! I am really happy about you that you haven't lost hope like I did.

13/90
Long term goals:
Quit gaming/internet surfing
Learn german language
Feel comfortable talking to people and find gf
Find a hobby I am passionate about
Get a summer body
Find a job and move out from parents

Short term goals:
Prepare for exam which consists of 12 parts untill next thursday (12/12) ✔
Return the uniform back to paramedics
Go to sleep before 00:00
Visit friends basement gym
Force myself to study for a hour daily without breaks (it will help to increase my atention)
Meet friends or new people

What happened today?
Ahh, it is getting harder and harder each day to restrain myself... I am starting to dream playing, thinking a hour daily will be nothing wrong and other bad thoughts are coming... I am scared, I fear I might get back into playing, because temptation is very large... Stress from exam and people, really pushed me into that direction... Finally, i got week off from medicine school, but wait...  without studying... what I will be doing with all that free time??? Anyways, to sum up this day, exam is over(I would say not too hard, but also not that easy, might get about 70%), talked to old friend, who is studying psychology, she said, that gaming addiction is incurable ?, it is permanent struggle for all life, also started to fear again with my fathers lifestyle(smoking, drinking, obesity, sedetary life, but somehow no serious illness) and for last... argued with the new date girl. I have made a mistake, because I started to rush everything. I don't know why I did this immature move, but it scared her a bit and I have lost my self confidence... Maybe I am not ready for this.

How I feel?

Depressed

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@Gaming Zombie

hey man!

good you prepared for the exam!

i'm afraid any sort of addiction is incurable. but manageable with certain methods and a huge dose of will power, right

I feel like you're trying to rush everything too much. You will not fix your entire life in 90 days. 

You can try to fix certain things (like the gf situation) but do not expect to succeed at everything. Focus on the main goal: staying sober from games.

Fixing everything else is secondary, so if it doesn't succeed, don't let it get on you!

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