Fawn's raw introduction

[fawn_xoxo]

It's 4.30am. I put my head on the pillow but my heart is beating fast and I need to make an effort to breathe properly. It's all in my head, really, humans breathe without effort, but I'm so stressed, afraid that I'll faint, that I have to monitor even my breathing. Why am I awake? If only I had gone to sleep when I was actually feeling sleepy at 12, or 1-2am. But I didn't, I pushed through that to game a little more, and now I need to get up and try and get all the stress out, lie back down and get back up multiple times, until I somehow end up asleep without even remembering it the next morning. The same thing happened exactly a week ago, that's when I said to myself that I'll only game in the evenings, but I stayed up almost as many times as I stuck to the right sleeping schedule.

Today I cried and cried again cause I read all these forum posts from other people who struggle and while nothing shocked or surprised me given I've tried quitting multiple times in the past, some of it resonated deeper with me. I wasn't ready to admit that I was also escaping from something before, but now I am. I knew deep inside that ever since I was a teenager I was numbing myself through various activities, avoiding that feeling of emptiness. Back then it crept up to me when I shut down my computer and said goodnight to my online friends. Without that communication, I felt empty. After that I started gaming and when I shut down my computer I would think about the game. Later on I didn't care about shutting down the computer cause hey, smartphones, I can continue talking to my friends about the game from my bed - and end up sleeping 2 to 5 hours later than I initially planned. 

A few days ago I did it again, like multiple times before: Stopped gaming at 3am and kept on chatting with my friends till 8am. The next day I was physically and emotionally wrecked, feeling regret. Why can I not be normal? Why do I have to be like this? Why am I not motivated to work? Why do I not have dreams? What do I really want from my life?

Gaming has been the real culprit behind multiple problems in my life, which I guess I'll get into describing in my journal, but to name a few social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, panic attacks, rock-bottom self-esteem, most of which I've gotten over but never without an intervention to the gaming. When gaming stopped, the problems stopped. And now once more as the gaming has increased, some of those problems are creeping back up on me again.

During the past week I've been thinking of quitting again and today I decided to commit to doing something different, by starting and being consistent in continuing writing down my progress here on this forum. I am not yet ready to give up all the gaming hours completely, not today, I feel it's important I state this here, although all the evidence says I should be quitting cold turkey I can't go through it yet, give up on the friends yet, and whatever minor responsibilities I might have in the gaming community. But I'm ready to write this, dig in my feelings and cut the time I spend gaming on my computer to something like 4. 

I've quit before and I know a lot about what to expect from the process, but I'm aware this isn't going to make it any easier. So hello fellow struggling people of the world, thank you all for sharing your experiences here. Let's get healthier together.

Dump of notes to myself from all the content I've watched on this today:

• Apply the just do it mentality. I will be bored out of my mind if I don't do the replacement of time with hobbies, work, fitness and socializing.
• Plan. Stick to it. Delay gratification.Feel accomplished and in control. When I feel in control, I no longer feel shame, regret and guilt.
• Reducing the gaming time is probably like shooting myself in the leg. I should e aware of what's going on in my brain before, during and after. 
• Keep asking myself what I am avoiding. Accept I've been lazy and avoiding simple realities of life for the biggest part of my conscious, adult life. Remind myself of all my achievements and potential.

[BooksandTrees]

Hi Fawn,

I'd like to say welcome to our forum.  You took the right step toward healing and becoming the person you were meant to be by recognizing this as a problem in your life.  I would like to recommend my story to you here: My Gaming Addiction Story

I had a very similar issue you have where I gamed endlessly into the morning hours and then would sit in bed and have an anxiety attack.  I was so malnourished after gaming.  I wouldn't eat, drink, or sleep.  I just hated my life and myself so much.  But I realized I actually didn't hate myself that much and that I loved myself.  It's a very important thing to recognize.  If you are here to help yourself it is because you do love yourself.

Quitting gaming will help you appreciate life more and gain gratification for hobbies and activities you do.

Let me know if you need help at all.  Otherwise I'll keep reading your story and daily journal if you keep one (you should). We have a good community here.

Matt

[Cam Adair]

Hi Fawn welcome to the forums.