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Peluconus

Pelu's logbook: The journey to recovery

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Day 21

Not in the mood for writting actually, I feel a bit stupid. The guy I was supposed to meet today didn't appear. It's not the fact that he didn't appear or even cared to write me. It's the fact that I'm still too naive and was excited, just to see how it failed. Like every time I create expectations about something. It just crashes.

The rest of the day was ok. At least I practiced with my bass for some hours, which is not a total waste of time. I've set another meeting for monday. It better work this time.

My stomach feels like shit. I should eat something more smooth tomorrow. My mother has an unbearable pain in her dorsal muscles and I'm worried about her. She has an appointment with the doctor for monday. Let's hope it's something that can be cured.

No gaming or gameplays watched.

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Day 25.5

It's been a few days since the last entry. I have not relapsed. Everything is going... Well, let's just say that they are going.

I spoke to the man of the band. He taught me a bit of their songs and general hints of their playstyle. I'm not sure if I will be able to be a part of that band. I don't feel like we have a good chemistry between us, it's a weird and tense atmosphere. We will meet in september with the rest of the band. For now, I can only keep practising the songs in my free time to do my best acting in the rehearsal.

I have been making little progresses each day in my studies. I should be more consistent and more productive but I just can't focus. The situation in my house is killing me. I just can't stand my mother and the way she is. It doesn't matter how many times or the way I tell her, she is the same woman everytime and I can't have a close relationship with someone like her. The most important thing for me now is to find a job, so I can just cut all bounds with her and live my f* life on my own. Luckily, tomorrow I'll leave this house to live with my father for the rest of the summer. He isn't the best roommate, but at least I can have a good conversation with him and we get along good enough. I hope I can be more productive with him. Actually, I need to be more productive.

The next week I'll go with some friends to a metal festival. We'll leave the city on Tuesday and return on Sunday. Almost one full week out. I am very excited because there are some bands that I love, but I am also afraid because it's one week that I can't study and I may be short on time. Anyway, after the festival is over, I'll make an extra effort and will study all the time possible to make it on time. I also have to decide if I'll miss some parts of the subjects in order to be able to study the most important things.

I'm still going to the gym following the pattern 2 days going - 1 of rest. The important thing of going to the gym is that I am moving my body and going out of my house. I have a good time there, even if my muscles are more tired than usual. But this is a great feeling.

No more things to say. I think that gaming was just a patch for other issues, like anxiety and stress. The good thing is that I am facing those situations now instead of hiding in gaming and even if it is exhausting, is a proof that I am maturing. Now I only have to get used to this life, away from games and into personal development.

I won't be writing everyday anymore. I'll write every once in a while to update my situation, and I will of course offer my support to everyone that needs it and I'll be active in the forums. But the journal is not a priority for me now. Like I said in a previous post, writting the journal requieres a long time for me because of translating my thoughts, choosing the words, thinking about what I want to say, etc. I will be completely sincere if I ever relapse. I'm not hidding from you, I just feel like I don't need the journal anymore. I will continue reading the other journals, answering questions or taking part in debates.

See you guys. Be good and find strenght to keep on fighting and developing.

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Day 30

So this is it, 30 days without gaming or watching gameplays. This kinda reminds me of the first time I seriously quitted.

For now, I don't feel any urges to play. I miss it as if it was an abandoned hobby. I know that I can't let myself play or I will screw up all the work I have done during the summer, so I just simply won't play. It's easier once you find a solid, tangible reason: No playing means passing tests and getting better marks, and that's the most important thing for me right now.

Watching gameplays is just unmanageable. One video could make me lose not only the opportunity of passing tests on September, it would also make me lose everything about my health, relationships... Basically, I would lose myself again. I know it. So again, I won't let myself do it, because I would lose so much.

The studies are keeping me busy enough to keep boredom away, and the gym gives me a strong impulse of good feelings every time, even if I go alone. I relax watching anime or Netflix shows, and I have set a rule to keep me safe from binge watching: Only 1 episode if it's +40 minutes long or 2 episodes if they are 20-30 minutes long. So far, this rule is doing its job.

Tomorrow I'll wake up very early because I'm leaving for a metal festival that will last until Sunday. There are a few bands that will sign autographs, they'll be there so we can talk to them a few phrases and take pictures with them. I'm looking forward to do it. This edition won't be as intense as the previous ones for me, because there aren't many bands that I want to see this time, but there are enough to make me excited about it.

Last Thursday I moved to my father's place. He loves to keep me busy as long as he can, which is good and bad at the same time. I stay away from games and my mind is occupied, but I'm also away from studying and hanging out because there always is something to do. I tried many times to make him understand this but he is just unwilling to listen. Anyway I'm leaving for a whole week tomorrow, and the 1st of September I will leave again for the rest of the course because university, so I think I can stand this weeks with him. So far it's been much better than the month with my mother.

My problem with eating too much is decreasing as well. My mother is a bit obsessed with having food in the fridge, but my father buys the food the day before, so he controls everything. I can't sneak and break into the fridge because he will notice. And there isn't anything in the fridge that I can eat between hours. I'm forced to eat properly, which is good.

The next entry will probably be some days after the fest. It's impossible for me to play there, so there's almost no point in writing just when I return. I'll let some more days pass after that to see if I can stay strong after that.

Be good and keep up the good work. See you next week.

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Day 41

I'm still alive, and still haven't played or watched gameplays. It was easy during last week because of the festival, but this week has been more difficult than all the other days combined.

Last week

Last week I was a that festival, like I said. It was a blast. I got a pick from Kamelot's bassist! It's amazing. I had a great time there seeing some bands that I love and some that I didn't know about but I liked too. It was good to relax myself from stress. I'm still tired even though I returned last Sunday because sleeping was difficult in the camping with so many noisy people, and I had to run to get a good place to see the bands, but this tiredness feels good anyway.

However...

(ATTENTION: Incoming long, emotional, mildly drama-filled post)

Spoiler

My mind and heart are a complete mess. This is difficult for me and I'm not completely sure of posting it in a public space, but... There's only an almost null possibility of her reading this, and I could use some help right now because I just don't know what to do...

I have been going to this festival for 6 years. The 3rd year, August 2015, while I was waiting to enter the place where the concerts take place, 4pm under a blazing sun, I saw a girl that was looking at me. We crossed our eyes many times until the gates opened and we all hurried to enter. She was with an elder woman, most probably her mother. I was 21yo and alone in the queue, my friends didn't want to wait with me so they came in later. We were far enough to be unable to talk there, so I just thought to myself "well there goes one more crush, nothing out of the ordinary". Oh boy, how wrong was I...

I went inside the place and ran a lot to get a position in the first row. One of my all-time favorite bands was going to play that day and I really wanted to see them in a good place. I got the best place indeed, 1st row and in the middle. It seemed like no one wanted to see them like I did, but I didn't care, I really wanted to. I was so happy. But then I saw that girl and the elder woman coming to me. Picture it like a crush coming right towards you, slo-mo, in the sun, shining, while you are already excited because you got a perfect place. They took the place besides me, by my right. I started to feel weird because I was looking too much so I decided to start some conversation. Anything could make it. The girl was sitting down before the fence, so I took the elder instead and started to talk... In Spanish.

She looked at me with a very strange face and replied... In French. And right there, time and space, I knew I just fucked up. I had a crush with a French girl, and I don't know almost anything about French language, only a few years of basic vocabulary. The woman had no idea of neither Spanish nor English so my hopes of trying to get closer vanished. I just laughed inside me, apologized and turned around to the stage.

Finally, it was the girl the one that was besides me all the time we were there. She knew a bit of English, but the music was too loud to talk more than a few sentences and only about the festival itself. I didn't even get a name. We spent the day together, jumped and sang many songs of the many bands that played that day. After the last show, we just said goodbye and took our ways.

Again, I thought it was just one more crush to the list and laughed because I am so emotional, I felt a little bit stupid and just moved on... Or not. The next day I looked for her unconsciously, and then I looked for her with all consciousness, but I couldn't find her. It is a rather small place, so the chances to see someone are high. But I didn't find her. I remember that I wanted to see a band that day, one that I started listening not long before the fest so I only knew a few songs. And suddenly they played a song that really hit me. The lyrics were just the impulse I needed to surrender to this feeling and elevate the status of this girl from "crush" to something higher.

Quick reminder: I didn't even know her name, and had nothing to contact her at all.

So that fest ended. We returned home... For some days, I just thought about the situation. But then, I had an idea, a spark of hope. And I started to look in the festival official Facebook page among all the assistants, hoping to find her. I spent at least 30-40 minutes scrolling and looking every possible profile.

And suddenly, I found her.

It was her face. No other actions required to verify. She was there. Only one click away. One click in the "send friendship request" and we would be able to talk and...

Wait. She has to accept it first. What if she doesn't even remember me? I was so excited and my feelings were so strong that, for a moment, I completely forgot about hers. Maybe I looked like a stupid during the festival. Maybe sending a request out of nothing was hella weird. Maybe she wouldn't accept it for whatever other reason. I was scared.

But I did it. I pressed the button and dropped the mouse. Of course, nothing happened instantly, but...

She accepted it. I couldn't believe it. I was very happy. Then I looked at her profile. She is 5 years younger than me, and that woman was in fact her mother. I needed to talk to her. Age shouldn't be a problem unless there is physical contact, right? And she is f*cking French, there is no possible way to meet in person.

I needed to talk to her.

With all the courage I could gather, I started to talk. She was very nice, so was I. We started to talk every day for 1 month approx, but then she started her classes and I started mine. Anyway we were still in touch from time to time.

Fast forward until June, 2016. She told me that she would return to the next edition of the same fest. I was scared like hell. Of course I was happy too, because I would be able to meet her again and maybe go outside the fest and talk in person and maybe...

Fast forward again until the fest that year, August 2016. Do you know that feeling of having something you want so close to you but you feel unworthy and somehow feel that if you fail in the last step you will ruin everything and just let it go? Well, try to make that thing look like a person and you know what actually happened. I saw her after 5 minutes looking. My friends started to push me in her direction so I got impulse and went to her, said hello, exchanged some sentences, excused myself and ran away (figuratively). That situation was out of the boundaries of my comfort zone and control zone, so I just escaped as good as I could without being rude. I didn't see her again during the whole event.

The last day, a funny miracle happened. My friend wanted to poop, but the festival's portable restrooms are awful so we went to a bar outside, in the town. When we were returning to the fest, we crossed with the girl and her mother. In the same steet. Face to face. No way of escaping. My friend pushed me to the girl. So I couldn't avoid the meeting. But it was actually very good. My heart was at full speed the whole time we were there, but I was clear enough to maintain some conversation. And we even took a picture together... Amazing. I wanted to cry and let my feelings outside but her mother and my friend were there and they were in a hurry so we just said goodbye again... I almost had a heart attack. Some days later, when I saw the picture we took, I realized we were wearing t-shirts of the same band. At that point I didn't know if that was a sign of hope or just some god's cruel joke...

When I retuned from the fest, we started to talk again, only to know that she had a boyfriend. In that moment, something inside me broke, leaving pieces all scattered, like little shards stained with blood shining through the dark while falling into the abyss that those words made in the place where my heart once was (I promise this is the best description of what I felt). Since then, I just couldn't talk again with her, not in the same way. I started seeing pictures of her and her bf in Facebook, and that felt like burning knives between my ribs, reaching my vital organs and leaving an empty sack of bones and skin.

"But c'mon. Let's get serious for a moment. She lives in the north of France, and I live in the south of Spain. It would have been impossible for us to maintain a relationship. She was even under 18. This makes no sense. Why in the heavens should I feel like that?" - me to myself while crying at night.

I hope you are with me in that this doesn't make any sense at all. I still haven't found why that struck me so f*cking hard. All I know is that it did.

We have been in touch from time to time anyway. It felt bad but it was better than nothing, right?

Okay, fast forward until June of this year. The last edition (2017) was a huge success, but she didn't come that time. She told me that her mother and her were going to some other festival in Europe (I don't remember which one), so they wouldn't come. But she told me that they would come to this edition (2018) whilst the 2017's edition was taking place. She actually bought the tickets in june. She contacted me to tell me about it and we tried to make plans to meet (all in vain). I was excited to see her again after two years. She doesn't usually publish anything on her Facebook, so this would be an opportunity to know something about her.

Fast forward to last week. I saw her in the distance, but this time I was alone and waiting in the queue for a band to start their signing session. I could have gone to say hello to her, the people in the queue were very nice and they would keep my place, but I just turned around and didn't even look at her direction the whole time. She was in the line of sight, there was nothing between us. But I was again so scared... So shy... I was about to have an anxiety attack, but luckily for me the people in the queue was talking and I could distract myself during that time.

Guys. If the last time I saw her I had an epic crush, this time I almost died.

She has dyed her hair to purple/pink (I LOVE dyed hairs, just fyi), and she looked more mature (considering I saw her when she was 16 and now she's almost 19). Shining in the sun, walking, with that goddamn smile in that angelic face, wearing heavy metal outfits... I wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth and never return. My stomach was in centrifuge mode. My heart couldn't decide if it wanted to go faster than light or just stop. My brain made my head spin in all directions. I swear I almost fainted when I saw her.

I avoided her for that whole day. The next day she texted me and told me I appeared in the big screen while Kamelot was playing, and we tried to meet, but it was impossible. I felt disappointed but relieved.

The last day, however, we did meet. I was able to talk to her without dying, which is more than I thought, and we saw one concert together. It was the best concert of my life, and I think it was because I was so high on chemicals from my own body by just standing by her side. When it ended, we talked a bit more and she went with her mother to see the next one. They wanted to reach the front row, but I was so tired and didn't know many songs of that band, so I said that I would be behind and we said goodbye again. After that we have exchanged some thoughts about the festival and the bands, and that's all. That was the last time I saw her.

We returned from the festival. Since that moment when I saw her looking at me and talking to me, I just can't sleep well at night. That image is branded by fire in my retinas. I can't forget her look. I can't forget the times we talked about all the things we just wanted to in that moment, a few years ago. Everything feels wrong right now and I just can't bear that. My stomach is making weird noises while I write this, and I don't know if it is because of the girl or the package of garlic bread I just ate to fill the hole.

Summarizing, she still has the same boyfriend, she lives in another country and I feel like I want to die every time we are close.

Any advice to stop feeling like sh*t because I can't do anything but having this inside is killing me?

If you are interested in heavy metal or want to know something about the fest, I'll be more than happy to answer you, but right now I think the other things that happened there are not of any interest for the sake of the journal.

This week

This has been a tough week. My main computer is dead now, the problem is in the hard drive. I tried to format it in many ways but none worked, so I'm buying a new one. This situation adds to the situation I described before, so my anxiety is growing very strong. I had some cravings the day before yesterday for the first time because of this. I really need to face that sh*t and come up with a solution asap, because it only needs a couple of things to mess everything up. The computer has a simple solution, which is buying a new hard drive, but there will come a moment when other serious things will come and I need to be ready to face them, and right now I don't feel strong enough to face anything.

At least I could study today, because I have a laptop too, which fills the place of the main pc while the HDD arrives. I still go out with friends at night and I haven't been drowning my sorrow in alcohol (like I sometimes did before) so I would say that, even though it's been tough, it's been bearable.

I've been feeling dizzy and sleepy lately, probably because of the lack of sleep and high physical effort during the festival. If this carries on, I'll go to the doctor because I'm a bit concerned.

I'm also concerned because I let down a friend of mine yesterday. I was in a middle of a mental breakdown while writting this, and I had an appointment with her to take a look at her laptop and try to fix it but I was just so emotionally bad that I just declined in the last moment... This feels incredibly bad because she always supports me and this was the right moment to make up for that. I don't want to beat myself about this too much because I really wasn't available to make anything, but I disappointed her and that's sad. I hope I can help her in the future when she returns from the travel or at least I hope we can still be friends.

And that is all that happened in this time. I'll be posting soon again if I find the time and something worthy to be added to the journal. Be good and keep up the good work, it really makes a difference.

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Day 42

Today was a bad day. My father is in some friend's house for the weekend, so today I was alone. Every time I am left alone, I just can't control my impulses. I eat a lot more than I should, do not progress in studying, do not care about my health... It's like I need to let myself do things wrong in purpose, like some way of  escaping from... something. I don't know how to explain it. This is becoming a very bad habit and, now that I am cleaning myself, it has to end, but I seem to be unable to do it.

At least I did not play or watch. What I actually did was binge watching Netflix while eating shit, and it took away too much time. I went out with my friends, so that's something I guess.

I'm writing here today because I wanted to write this day, so maybe the next time I am left alone I can come here and read it, and make me realize how bad it feels to do things wrong on purpose. I need to find the root of this, but in the meantime, this post may be useful to prevent it.

I also noticed that urges come stronger (not as strong as the other day, but a bit more than usual) when I am in this spiral of wrongness, which means I should prepare myself for being alone. Being aware of things and planning are great tools that I need to use in this occasions.

In the middle of all the self-destruction, I took the chance of being alone to clear my mind a bit from the thing I wrote in the spoiler. That's probably the only positive thing I did on my own today, but well, it helped.

Not everyday can be perfect, and that's something I need to be aware of, too.

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Day 44

Two days ago I came here to write about the bad day. I wanted to come today, to write about an average day. Nothing special, I didn't even went out tonight. The most average day of my summer. But I am totally happy with this. I made it. A great, balanced day.

I woke up and had breakfast. Then I studied and it was very productive. I had lunch and took a very short nap (15 min). Then I watched some Netflix show, and made some chores. I had dinner and went to the gym (it's a 24h gym). I returned home after a good session and a good shower, and I'm now laying on my bed.

It feels very good to finish an average day without any urges to play. This means I am making progress! And it means I can have good, standard days without feeling like I need more action. I enjoyed the calm and focused on what I was doing.

I felt like this had to be written here, too. My future me might find this useful somehow. Not every day can be bad, and not every day can be outstanding. Be aware of that and find joy in the everyday things.

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Day 52

It's been a while, huh? Well, here I am, not playing at all after 52 days straight. I had many opportunities to do it, but never did. I can finally say that gaming is out of my routine, I don't see it as an obligation or the only thing I can do to relieve stress. I don't want to go back to gaming right now, and if I can, I won't do it. My life is not the best right now but the least I can do is recognize the benefits of quitting. If I'm not completely back in track is just because I am a mess myself. But I'm definitely going to change that from this Saturday.

Yes, this Saturday is day 1, but that's not the reason. I'm moving to my rented flat that day, and I'll be finally away from my parents for a longer time. I'll be free to sort my things on my own, take my own decisions, live my mother f*cking life as I want. Oh my, I really need to leave this city...

This days haven't been the best of my detox. I haven't seized all the days as much as I wanted, and I have spent too much time watching shows and movies. Once I move, I will take action and I will control my time to orginze myself better. It will be easier, because I won't have to stop or cancel my schedule because of my parents anymore. I need to pass those tests so please, inner me, don't screw this up!

One night I was out with two of my friends, the ones that are more linked to videogames, and they were talking about a streaming of some new game. Their intention was to reproduce the streaming on one of their smartphones, in the middle of the street. In that moment, I realized that I'm not as interested as before, and somehow I felt good. I just focused on myself and my smartphone and they watched it for like 5 minutes, but then we moved so they stopped it and never played it again. I didn't want to look at all. It was strange for me, but in a good way, and I'm happy for this.

My mother is putting me under high pressure lately. I can't explain with words how much I would like to not see her ever again. I'm angry, but most of all, I'm disappointed. She's a hypocrite, and claims to be very talented at psychology but always fails to understand how others feel when she talks or acts like she does. And it's just useless to make her understand, she won't rectify at all. Geez. I don't know who's to blame, but I don't care. The only thing I know is that we can't be together without arguing.

My father is not a piece of cake either. He is mostly annoying because he is used to live alone, and wants everything done his way. I feel judged every time that I'm in his visual range. He can criticize every single act that I do, every decision that I take, every word I say. We usually don't argue, but this is exhausting. I just want to live without this feeling. And he needs my complete attention full time, or he tells me I'm egoist, ungrateful, or something in that line. C'mon, leave me alone for some time!

I guess the main reason I'm writing here is because I needed to put this pressure I feel in words and free myself a little bit. Even with all of this, I haven't played or watched gameplays at all in this 52 days. It's good to know I can take some time and distance from something that was my whole life literally, from waking up to going to bed. I've been close to relapse, but managed to dodge it. I've taken other good habits, like the ones related with my health and working out, and that's very good too. All in all, I'm happy. And I have the power to keep improving. See you soon.

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@Phoenixking Thank you, this means a lot to me. The old me only wanted to play videogames for hours whenever my parents made me anxious, and now I'm starting to manage these situations without needing that. I think this is my best achievement, and even if I haven't reached my peak yet, I know that I'm on my way.

We can do this.

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Day 59 (I think)

This is the moment when I regret taking the decision of not writting every day. I don't know which day it is. I've counted them in the calendar having in mind that day 1 was the 7th of July, so if I did the counting right, this should be day 59. I hope it actually is. Probably the last entries are wrong. But well, who cares anyway? I haven't relapsed in almost 60 days and I'm not planning on doing it in at least two more weeks.

I am finally free. My father helped me with the move yesterday, and now I live in a city different from theirs. I have to do two exams in the following weeks, and after that I'll have like 1 week and a half before the new academic year starts. Even for that week I'll be busy with other matters that I've been delaying because of the exams, so I wouldn't call that holidays... I guess it's better than nothing.

My roommates and I have found some trouble with our new flat. We have to talk with our householder about them, but we don't know her too much so we don't know what her reaction will be. I hope we can discuss and fix everything as soon as possible. We also have to make other things here, like getting internet connection and set up a cleaning schedule. Anyway, our relationship seems to be good for now. It can't be worse than last year, neither for me nor for them - at least one of them, I was in his flat and oh my god, that was terrible in many ways.

Both of them are studying this weeks too, and somehow that helps me focus more than usual. This always happens to me, I can focus better when the people arround me are studying too. I hope I can study enough to pass my two tests, that would be amazing and it would help me recover some self-esteem.

I have almost all my things sorted here. The last year I didn't even cared about putting my things in their places, I just picked what I needed from the boxes or the bags, and never used the furnitures. That made a very bad impact in my life, so this year I want to keep my room tidy and as clean as possible. Hopefully this will have a good impact and improve my general mood.

Even now that I'm far from my parents and living on my own, I haven't felt any urges to play or watch gameplays. This is the typical situation when I would just screw it all up and play the whole time for some kind of "revenge" against my parents, but now I feel like the best thing I could do is finish my career and start earning money to be as far as possible from them, and this means that in the near future I need to pass these exams. I need to study to achieve my goal. Add the fear of failing to that. Those two things combined are enough to make me run from anything related to videogames. It's like, I have so much to gain and so much to lose, that it's just not worth it.

Tomorrow I have things to do, I'll be busy and that will keep me away from gaming too. I feel happy overall. The more happy and confident I feel, the easier becomes to be strong and put videogames far away. I never thought the spiral could go upwards instead of downwards. It's amazing.

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Holy shit.

Seriously, holy shit. It's been months since my last entry. I really wanted to do so many things in this academic year... And I achieved very little. Well, I'm not gonna lie:

I relapsed (kinda).

Honestly, I came here just to read my journal, but I saw that the last entry was in the journal of @Phoenixking so I went to read it, and saw that he recently started to quit again. It was a strange feeling. I started reading some other journals of people I remember from the summer. And then, like a sign from the skies, I received an email from @Cam Adair saying that we have a 2.0 version of it all. Like, wtf? All the stars lined up, so I felt like "yeah, why not starting again?". So here I am ready to make this year better than every other.

But the truth is... I don't feel like videogames are the reason behind my failures. The truth is that I feel like I binge DO everything, from eating to playing to watching series. I just can't stop. And I think this is the biggest problem in me. The second biggest problem is that I need to boycott everything I do, and yesterday I came up with an explanation for that: I'm afraid of failure. I can predict my own failures if I just don't put enough effort on things or make them go bad intentionally (or semi-intentionally). I can't deny videogames might be behind this behavior, because I'm used to win and even to optimize every situation I can. So maybe this habits are hindering me in my way to reach my full potential and my dream life. I guess I need to see a phycologist asap to get more advices to confront those things.

In the meantime, I think I'm committing to stop playing video games again. It will be hard, because my roommates and I usually spend time playing together and having beers, but if I tell them that this is becoming a problem again, I think they will understand it. My other friends, on the other hand... I think they will keep asking me to return to games, but I can handle that. Actually like I said before, I think videogames are not the problem because it's been a week since I don't play any game, but a tool to escape real life problems, so even if I quit them, I need to sort out other things in my life.

So I decided to commit to stop binge doing bad things like eating junk food and watching series and films or other time consuming activities (for example, the last one was sorting out my music library - I spent 5h straight to go through 500 songs, and that's just less than 10% of the whole thing. I still feel the impulse to finish, but "luckily" the laziness of starting again is stronger). I need to set up a schedule for my everyday life, so I can decide when I'll have free time and plan ahead what will I do in that time, like going to the gym again or watching one or two episodes at most in the same day. The exams and presentations of jobs at uni are very close and I need to focus.

Oh yeah, the focus...

I lost it completely. I can't focus on anything. Even when I'm playing I feel distracted. My attention span is shorter than ever. My memory is worse every day. I think I need to see a doctor to get some medical tests and see if I have something else to look after. I'm pretty concerned about this.

Well, I think I'm not going to write too much here because of the amount of work I've been delaying during the holidays, and after that I will return to my awful routine... I'm thinking about writting a paper journal too, just for me, to vent some shit that I need out of me, even if nobody reads it. It's something, I suppose.

This is all for the moment. I'll keep you updated. Thank you if your going to read, follow or comment here. See you soon.

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Welcome back and it's good to see you not giving up. I want to underline a few things we have in common, and how I deal with them.

You'll see that most of us start our quitting with content consumption, series or YouTube. That's really problematic and it was what kept me going back to gaming. You need to force yourself to take action by planning tasks for you to do every day in your free time. Don't expect much, your goal should be to do something, anything, that isn't self destructive.

And watching and eating is self destructive. I used to do it as well and I stopped. No it isn't easy, it's just a habit though and like all habits they can be replaced with better ones. 

Gaming, eating, binging, they are often coping mechanisms and so what we need to do is find better coping mechanism. Find creative hobbies, find relaxation methods and stay with the process. Do things, try things. Don't stay inactive and passive, and be proactive, plan things ahead of time. Don't worry about your focus- the more you stay away from the content consumption and do things without distractions, the less you will want to get away from your task at hand. Everything gets better as long as you're consistent.

Feel free to read my journal, maybe you'll find something useful there.

You are in control of your life, don't forget that. You aren't your urges, or your feelings. You are what you decide to do and if you take good decisions for yourself today, you will feel positive about yourself tomorrow.

 

We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.
Jim Rohn
Edited by fawn_xoxo
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Hey @fawn_xoxo. You are completely right about planning, I know that scheduling my days is the way to go for now. Actually, in my career (Software Eng.) they teach us that planning is crucial for a project to succeed, and they gave us some advices to do it properly, so I'm going to put those on practise and I'll create a good routine for the remaining days of this semester (few weeks only). If I can stay focused and committed, I'll pass all the 5 subjects I have, and that would make me feel better so I won't need to binge anymore. Let's hope everything goes well in these weeks, I'll do my best.

On 1/5/2019 at 7:22 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.

That's a very powerful sentence. I'll remember it the next time I feel anxious or hopeless so I won't stop studying or working hard to reach my goals.

Thank you for your words. Keep up the good work.

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