16030669g

Samson's journal (100 day reboot)

17 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Day 0 (0/100)

I would like to give myself a new fresh start, so I open a new post to document my progress. For your information, I am a speech pathology master student, and currently going through a very tough practicum period in hospital and community centre, every week I received many negative feedback from my supervisors.

The past few weeks, I have tried many different methods to help restore my motivation and dissolve my mental resistance against doing schoolwork . Most of them failed, but some of them remain effective. Those dosen't work are:

--> have a short break for watching youtube, television, video game (all of this stuff will drag me to a vicious cycle and get me more and more addicted,  and I will end up with higher level of resistance against doing my school work)

Strategies that are effective for me:

1. exercise vigorously

2. take a walk outside (especially in natural environment or quiet place)

3. positive thinking (gratitude + hope) * it only works when my emotion has been lifted up (e.g. after exercise or a walk)

However, i figure out that I can never resolve all of the mental resistance by using the effective methods i mentioned above, because my workload is terribly high, i can't afford to have a  4-5  relaxing hours per day. that's why I need to find a new way to overcome my fear and mental resistance against doing school work. And my final solution is 

---> the 5 second rule from Mel Robinson (u can google it if u r interested) + mindfulness

when I stay through the pain, and force myself to do the thing that I m extremely disgusted with  and stay mindful, after a period of time, the flow will come, and I will start to gain a sense peace of mind, enjoy higher self esteem, because I know I have just overcome a difficult challenge, I gain more control over my own life. 
 

 

This time i may really fail my practicum, and the consequence is that my 37.5k us dollar tuition fee paid will all be wasted. and i could not get the dream job that I want, and my plan to move out from my parents and live independently with my girlfriend will not be able to achieve. but i already accept that. I give up on the desire to passing the practicum. I no longer want to thrive to fulfill the expectation of my supervisors. instead, now i only work hard to fulfill my own potential and treat my clients/patient well. After i change my mindset, i feel so much more relieved. 

so, in short, my upcoming 100 day goals will be:

1. all dopamine rush activity abstinence (including game, youtube, television, PMO)

2. use 5 second rule + mindfulness to beat procrastination, work on the task that I am really really really reluctant to do, for all day, non-stop.

* of course, I will give myself break from time to time, maybe go out for a walk, or do exercise, 1 time per 1-2 day.

 

Witness me, brothers and sisters. This time, I will win the battle against myself. 

 

Edited by 16030669g
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YES! I love the attitude, I love the fact that you re-aligned your life goals, and I love the fact that you're trying something new again to deal with your issue.

This is huge progress. I think you're far more aware of what the issue is now than you were when you started. So stay strong!

And if you do relapse, remember that all these mistakes are just investments into an eventual success. You're clearly moving along!

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Posted (edited)

Day 1 (1/100)

Today I figure out the only way that work for me is to study outside.  I tried to force myself to concentrate at home this whole morning, but I failed miserably. I just kept procrastinating . So at the end I decided to leave my home and study at the Starbuck cafe and it finally works.

After I backed home, i could still force myself to study more for a short period of time , by setting a 45 minute rule. I promise myself that I will only work for 45 minutes and then stop. It is also an effective way too. 

 

 

Edited by 16030669g

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Day 2 (2/100)

I struggled a lot today. This journey is tough and difficult. I wasted a lot of time walking on the street without any purpose. But I am very close with my new routine. I just need a bit more experiment, then i can find the best way to maximize my productivity. Anyway, I did not relapse today. 

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Better on the street than on the computer :) Keep going man!

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Posted (edited)

Day 1 (1/100)

 

I find that trying to take control of myself make me painful
The more i want to control myself, my thought , my own behavior, the more i suffer
The more i try to force myself to work hard, to impress others, the more painful i am. Actually, no one can ever fully control himself, his thought, his behavior
self-control is just an illusion, the only thing i can do is self-suggestion, I suggest myself to work hard, to enjoy the work that i need to do. But, at the end, whether my goal can really be accomplished or not, it largely up to my subconscious mind, but not my conscious mind.

I give up the intention of trying to control myself, my life situation , or anything. 

Life can be so much easier. Life is supposed to be easy.

 

Let's begin all over again. This time, i thrive with ease

Edited by 16030669g

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Don't try to force it, thats when you are going to get angry or frustrated with yourself. Instead try to approach it with the mindset of channeling or embracing these extra feelings or thoughts. How can you make your current environment work for you? How can you make your thoughts or enthusiasm for topics work for you?

One of my therapists told me a long time ago to not fight your feelings or try to control them, as it will make them worse or intensify them. You need to learn how to work or operate within them. I think you need to identify your triggers better and eliminate what is causing them, that would be attacking the problem at the source rather than the symptoms.

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Posted (edited)

Day 3 (3/100)

Upcoming goal:

1. revised treatment report and plan.

2. prepare individual and group treatment materials.

## Planned working time: 7:00pm - 11:00pm

After I complete my goal, I will come here to report again, so that it can give me the sense of self-accomplishment as a reward to keep me going.

These tasks are really difficulty to me, and I know I will never going to feel like doing them. Therefore, I need to force myself to take action. If I only work until we feel motivated, I will never be able to fulfill our full potential. The real motivation come after action. So let's do it!

Report: all objective were done!! good job to myself!

Edited by 16030669g
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Day 4:

Everyday i need to remind the reason why i have to study. "he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how:

I need to have a strong reason to keep on fighting

Below are the most important reason why I have to stay strong today is:

1. flow can only come from being productive but not by indulging in lust

2. Being productive give me motivation and evidence, it calm my mind, improve my social relationship in the long run. I will be more enable to help my friends or other people in need

3. Most of the time, i might have the feeling that I no long fxxking care about why i need to study, or I just want to have a rest. I should remember that deep inside me I do care, and the feeling of motivation only arise after action is taken.

 

Things that I am grateful for today:

1. I am grateful for my physical health. My body really does a lot for me. I feel sorry about my body, because I have been staying up late. I promise my body that i will no longer procrastinate, so my body can have the appropriate amount of sleep it deserves. and I will no longer eat drunk food, or consume any high sugar beverage. 

2. My parent support me unconditionally. I really grateful about that

3. my girlfriend also support me even she is going through a hard time. I know that she still suffer from some emotion problem, so she refuses to see me. but I still grateful that she will send me message from time to time to show support. 

 

Finally the things that I look forward to (hope)

1. get married 

2. move out from my parents, and live independently

3. explore more about the word, maybe go travel, or visit different places, meet different people

4. own a decent and big house

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today's goal

work from 3:00 -7:00pm at Starbuck (target: complete 1 assessment report, 1 treatment report, 1 treatment plan for hospital practicum)

work from 8:00 - 11:00pm at home (target: revise assessment plan and treatment plan, write 1 assessment report and 1 treatment plan for community practicum) 

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On 6/8/2018 at 7:02 PM, 16030669g said:

Everyday i need to remind the reason why i have to study. "he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how:

I need to have a strong reason to keep on fighting

Remembering your WHY is so important in all areas of your life. Probably one of the most underrated concepts in personal development. I've found it helpful to have reminders too - whether that's sticky notes on my bathroom mirror, alarms on my phone, etc. Any way I can stay connected to my purpose makes a big difference.

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Posted (edited)

Day 5 (5/100)

oh yeah, Cam Adair is also supporting my journey. haha.

The reasons why I have to live a self-disciplined life:

1. show respect to my physical body, its always here supporting me to explore and experience this physical world. I am grateful for my physical body (healthy) and i have to treat my physical body better, fill it with right nutrition and provide appropriate amount of exercise to maintain it function

2. equip myself better so that i can be more capable to help people!!

3. more importantly, like what Cam Adair said, i want to feel more connected to people, myself, my environment, and the things that make me feel most alive (that's the no.1 reason)

upcoming goal

1. eat healthy, stop all beverage with sugar, and fried food

2. stop all dopamine rush activities (e.g. game, video, comic), use walking, exercise, love kindness meditation and relaxation meditation to help myself to restore my energy and motivation after long study/work hours

3. sleep early, before 11:00pm

Today goal

1. finish treatment report, treatment plan, group treatment report and plan by 5pm today
- i will walk back to my home slowly as a break after goal 1 is completed

2. finish prepare all the materials for tomorrow practicum by 8 pm tonight

3. go out running between 8:00pm-9:30pm (as a break)

4. further prepare for tomorrow practicum until 10:30pm

5. sleep at 10:30pm 

 

Edited by 16030669g
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 Day 1 (1/30)

 

Today i am going to directly face my deepest -inner negative thoughts, i have to become more aware of them . "No one has ever been able to control his thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don't let go of my thoughts - I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me." from Katie Byron

What i am scared of the most when I do my self-Introspection today:

1. negative comment from my supervisors - (turn the though around: the worst scenario i can get is to be looked down by my supervisor , my self esteem get hurt, and i have to quit the program. but there is still many possible alternative career/academic path that I can take. it's ok to be failed ,and its totally fine to be looked down by others, when i was at primary school, i often be looked down by the school teachers, but today I have already completed my bachelor degree)

2. the feeling of boredom due to not enough sensation stimulatIon - (turn the thought around: i can never avoid the feeling of getting bored,  and i can only alleviate the problem of "getting bored easily" by stopping all dopamine rush activities, i will help to reset my threshold of feeling excitement back to the normal level)

3. mental resistance against doing the work that I need to do - (can't avoid this feeling to - but the longer i delay, the stronger resistance i get, so all i need to do is to push it through)

4. keep procrastination - (i have already proved to myself that I can accomplish things even when I don't feel like it, When i was young, I don't want to go to school, but i still successfully forced myself to do it at the end. They are many past experience proving that my willpower is strong enough to win my inner beast of lust) I have to remind myself to stop giving in for even 1 second or any tiny thought. 

The upcoming goal tonight

1. complete ethical application and send the document to my supervisor

2. running and work out

3.complete 1 assessment report and treatment.


 

Day 1 completed

Edited by 16030669g

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Day 2 (2/30)

Today I am still afraid of:

1. the feeling of boredom

2. my crave for sensory stimulation (video game, youtube, television, junk food)

3. resistance against schoolwork

4. procrastination trap (e.g. the irrational & tempting thought that just watching youtube for 5 minute to relax a bit can eventually lead to wasting time on youtube for the whole morning/afternoon)

no matter how hard I try to run away from these negative feeling, they always catch up eventually, and even be intensified. The only way to win this battle is to face my inner fear directly and, as early as possible!

 

My goals today:

1. assessment report and treatment plan revise 

2. write up new assessment report and treatment plan x 2

3. revise assessment protocol

4. write up the group plan 

if i can complete all of these , i will reward myself to go out running tonight*

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This is brilliant man. It seems like you're really drilling down to your core problems.

You seem to have real clarity on what's causing you to struggle. You may have known it all along somewhere deep down, but now you're looking at it analytically and problem-solving.

Compare it to where you were before you started this detox and journal. It's a huge step forward, isn't it?

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Day 3 (3/30)

The new barrier to productivity is the auto-pilot mode of my brain.

I become more aware that my brain will on automatic-pilot after a period of intense hard work or going through a stressful situation.

When my brain is governed by the automatic processes, i would automatically fall back to my old bad habit (e.g. watch youtube and play game).

I realize that the auto-pilot mode is actually not the problem. It is beneficial as it can help restore the willpower and brain energy according to my own experience.  

However, the real problem is what I subconsciously choose to do when I am under the auto-pilot mode. I should whether waste my time on gaming? or I could  do other meaningful things that does not require a high level of consciousness  and meanwhile keep being productive (e.g. exercise, revise medical abbreviation, tidy up my room ...).

 

Therefore, my upcoming goal is to pre-set what I will do after I enter the auto-pilot mode.

When I m under the auto-pilot mode, i will :

1. revise medical abbreviation

2. review what I have learned currently. 

3. exercise

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