Natelovesboardgames 99 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 Day 35 In the Rethinking Job Search class I'm taking we're talking about a formula A+B=C where A = Activating Events B = Our Beliefs C = Result How we react to the events has a huge impact on the result. Many times our beliefs are flawed and learning to recognize what is called "risky thinking" and replacing it is going to lead to different results. So in a class exercise I went to my darkest activating event that has plagued me over the last few years. I imagine running into my old boss again at a new job. It brings up so many emotions when I do this. I feel sad, angry, defeated, worthless, anxious, cheated, and even some hate. My father was/is an alcoholic. He quit drinking when I was 8 years old but his behavior still had a huge impact on my life. Having an alcoholic parent trained me to tolerate a lot more bad behavior than most people. My former boss is a narcissist and probably an alcoholic as well. I truly believe this has a lot to do with my hurt and my emotional response. I don't want to hate her but I'm so angry. When I started thinking about revenge I realized being a narcissist she wouldn't learn anything from it and it would just make me look crazy. I'd like to forgive her someday and move on but I'm stuck. I figure after I have a new career I can let it go easier. I'm still working on forgiving my father too. After he quit drinking he was what Al-Anon refers to as a "dry drunk" which is someone whose behavior is just like it was when he was drinking. I suppressed so many emotions when I was a child and did everything I could to avoid him. I was afraid of him until I moved out. Our relationship has grown closer and evolved over the last several years. Then he and mom became Trump supporters now I can't take anything they say seriously when it comes to religion or politics. Yeah I know I'm great at seeing the sliver in someone else's eye while I've got a plank in my own (or however that saying goes). At work a few years back they had me and a number of coworkers take a class called Crucial Conversations. I need to confront my dad someday and tell him how I hurt. A part of me wants to sit there and yell at him for a couple hours. Then I realized it would be like he used to do to me when I was young. He would yell and yell and there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. I just had to sit there and cry and take it until he got tired of yelling. I suspect he has some emotional disregulation sort of like borderline personality disorder but not enough other symptoms. His emotions definitely fueled his addiction. I have one ex who is somewhat like my father. We dated for 3.5 years. The sex was always great but there was no way to discuss what the problems were in our relationship because in his mind I was the problem and I needed to change. I changed and I adapted and I accomodated to try to make the relationship work. It was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. I was so unhappy. I recognized that I was depressed and when I made the realization that the only thing that made me feel better was thinking about breaking up with him I knew I had to. It was hard because we still lived together for a year after the breakup. I made the mistake of having sex with him at Christmas which was six months after the break up and he started talking about "working on our relationship". I had to build a wall emotionally much like I had to do with my father. We're friends now but I hesitate to reach out to him much to do things socially because I'm afraid to let him in again where he can hurt me and tell me it's all my fault. I'm tired of being blamed by these three people for the things that went wrong. I don't know if my dad or my ex were narcissists but dammit if they only knew the pain they caused. I'm tired of trying to make people happy who cannot be. I'm tired of feeling... Oh thank God Matt is calling. Goodnight everyone! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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