My 90 day gaming abstinence detox journey journal

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 35

In the Rethinking Job Search class I'm taking we're talking about a formula A+B=C where 

A = Activating Events

B = Our Beliefs

C = Result 

How we react to the events has a huge impact on the result. Many times our beliefs are flawed and learning to recognize what is called "risky thinking" and replacing it is going to lead to different results.

So in a class exercise I went to my darkest activating event that has plagued me over the last few years. I imagine running into my old boss again at a new job. It brings up so many emotions when I do this. I feel sad, angry, defeated, worthless, anxious, cheated, and even some hate. 

My father was/is an alcoholic. He quit drinking when I was 8 years old but his behavior still had a huge impact on my life. Having an alcoholic parent trained me to tolerate a lot more bad behavior than most people. My former boss is a narcissist and probably an alcoholic as well. I truly believe this has a lot to do with my hurt and my emotional response. I don't want to hate her but I'm so angry. When I started thinking about revenge I realized being a narcissist she wouldn't learn anything from it and it would just make me look crazy. I'd like to forgive her someday and move on but I'm stuck. I figure after I have a new career I can let it go easier. 

I'm still working on forgiving my father too. After he quit drinking he was what Al-Anon refers to as a "dry drunk" which is someone whose behavior is just like it was when he was drinking. I suppressed so many emotions when I was a child and did everything I could to avoid him. I was afraid of him until I moved out. Our relationship has grown closer and evolved over the last several years. Then he and mom became Trump supporters now I can't take anything they say seriously when it comes to religion or politics. Yeah I know I'm great at seeing the sliver in someone else's eye while I've got a plank in my own (or however that saying goes).

At work a few years back they had me and a number of coworkers take a class called Crucial Conversations. I need to confront my dad someday and tell him how I hurt. A part of me wants to sit there and yell at him for a couple hours. Then I realized it would be like he used to do to me when I was young. He would yell and yell and there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. I just had to sit there and cry and take it until he got tired of yelling. I suspect he has some emotional disregulation sort of like borderline personality disorder but not enough other symptoms. His emotions definitely fueled his addiction. 

I have one ex who is somewhat like my father. We dated for 3.5 years. The sex was always great but there was no way to discuss what the problems were in our relationship because in his mind I was the problem and I needed to change. I changed and I adapted and I accomodated to try to make the relationship work. It was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. I was so unhappy. I recognized that I was depressed and when I made the realization that the only thing that made me feel better was thinking about breaking up with him I knew I had to. It was hard because we still lived together for a year after the breakup. I made the mistake of having sex with him at Christmas which was six months after the break up and he started talking about "working on our relationship". I had to build a wall emotionally much like I had to do with my father. We're friends now but I hesitate to reach out to him much to do things socially because I'm afraid to let him in again where he can hurt me and tell me it's all my fault.

I'm tired of being blamed by these three people for the things that went wrong.

I don't know if my dad or my ex were narcissists but dammit if they only knew the pain they caused. 

I'm tired of trying to make people happy who cannot be. I'm tired of feeling...

 

Oh thank God Matt is calling.

Goodnight everyone!

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 36

I didn't get a call back from the manager today that interviewed me last Thursday. I'm feeling blue. 

I went to my favorite thrift store this morning and found a few shirts. I searched for jobs online all this afternoon and didn't find any that were suitable for me. 

I surfed facebook and instagram for a couple hours. I cut up a chicken and cooked it along with some rice and broccoli then turned on the Netflix. 

I really hope my luck in the job search starts to change. It's now been six months. When I was unemployed back in 2001-2002 I started on with a temp agency. I temped for two years before I finally got hired on permanently at my last employer. I really don't want to go through that again. 

A part of me just wants to say fuck it all it's not worth trying anymore. 

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 37 & 38

I had hit a low point on Tuesday but yesterday and today were good so I'm feeling a lot better.

On Wednesday morning I found a job opening through Linkedin for a flight attendant position with a small regional airline. I submitted an application. They then say to go to one of their recruiting events and it turned out the next one in Portland was the very next day. 

I went to the Rethinking Job Search class and that helped me to feel better. I decided that instead of jumping to a negative conclusion about not having heard back from Jenny the hiring manager who interviewed me last Thursday that it would be best to be proactive and call. I called at about 4pm but since the phone wasn't picked up in 5-6 rings they were probably busy and I'd try tomorrow. 

Wednesday evening I met up with Rodney who I'd gone on dates with 22 years ago. We went to happy hour and caught up for the last two hours. It's fun to see how much people have changed and yet how much they are still the same person. It was a lot of fun hanging out.

I was dragging a little bit this morning after sleeping in. I only had two drinks yesterday but it's enough to make me a little more tired the next day. I called the store where Jenny was at around 3pm. She wasn't available when I called so when asked if I wanted to leave a message for her I gave my name, number, and to tell her I still wanted the job. She called back a few minutes later. She asked me if I had rethought the pay amount and I told her if the health and retirement benefits are as good as people say then it will be worthwhile to get my foot in the door and gave an acceptable range of pay rather than just a single dollar amount. She asked me to come in tomorrow and she would get the benefits information together and see what she could get for me. I think I got this.

I went ahead and went to the flight attendant recruiting event. I gave them my resume and we waited in the room. There were 17 candidates total. The three recruiters gave a presentation about the company and about what life is like as a flight attendant the first couple years. Basically we would have to go live where they say and be poor for a couple years before we are no longer on reserve and are able to work in one of their locations we would prefer. They had us each go one at a time up to the front and give a one minute answer to the question "why I would be a good flight attendant". They then had a 30 minute break. After the break they posted 10 names on a list for people they wanted to do a one-on-one interview with. I was on the list. So I did an interview with Xioclotl (pronounced Sho-shee) which I think went alright. My resume looks great because the majority of jobs I left due to promotions. The question asked about being terminated from a previous employer was a struggle but I think I handled it okay. They will tell us the results in two weeks.

Last night and tonight I talked to Matthew again. I feel so blessed right now.

Goodnight all! 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 39

The Rethinking Job Search class went well yesterday. I came home and called the manager Jenny. She went over a little bit of the benefits information and then texted me a couple photos of some of the figures. I texted her back about 20 minutes later that everything looks great (the benefits are actually amazing!) and I would happily take the job at the final salary figure discussed. I didn't hear back from her so I called the store three hours later. She had already left so I guess I'll talk to her on Monday. This is the job doing tire sales and service that is going to be more physical than the work I've been doing over the last 20 years but the extra activity ought to be helpful. If anything, just being done searching for a job and being able to start on the next phase of my life is going to do wonders for me.

I woke up late this morning. I had trouble sleeping last night probably due to too much caffeine in the daytime. I'm skipping yoga but will probably go to the gym briefly around lunch time.

Today i'm going to call my mom she is out visiting my sister who just had surgery last Tuesday. She wasn't likely to be home tomorrow for Mother's day so we'll figure out when I'll see her next. Her birthday is June 3rd so I'll go up and see her at least once in the next few weeks. 

After that I'm driving up to Seattle. Matthew's birthday is tomorrow so I'm taking him out to dinner tonight and I rented a hotel room. He actually lives about an hour outside of Seattle but there's a restaurant in downtown we both want to go to. I'm going to tell him how I feel about him. I think he already knows but it's important to actually say the words out loud, to be heard, and to be vulnerable. When it comes to love you have to take a risk because you're more likely to regret something you didn't say than something you did. I think he might feel the same way but he does have some trust issues so waiting for him to say something first would not work. 

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 40 & 41

The hiring manager has ordered a background check and drug test! I should be getting some emails on Monday so it's only a matter of time before I've got a job offer!

I drove up to Seattle and met up with Matthew. We did some walking around in Belltown and went and had a drink. We then went to the restaurant - Japonessa - and had sushi. I tried uni for the first time. It was cold and squishy and not very good. Matthew said he'd had better elsewhere so I'll have to try it again sometime. We then went for dessert at Hot Cakes Molten Chocolate Cakery. I was so full it almost hurt! We retired back to the hotel room and played some chess.

I told him how I felt about him after he cracked a joke about me falling for him. I told him he didn't need to react or respond. I just needed him to know how I felt and that I had a crush on him that started first time we talked on the phone and that I had fallen for him starting the day we met in person. I know he's not ready for a relationship right now and trying to make him into a boyfriend will likely result in both of us being unhappy. Since he lives three hours away we won't be able to see each other all the time. It's nice not to feel the need to look for romance and either a romance will blossom or a great friendship will develop. I'm open to either and will be grateful for what comes. 

I left Seattle around noon. I stopped at Half Price Books on the way since we don't have them in Portland but I didn't find anything I wanted. I called my friend Dan who lives about a half hour North as we'd been emailing about some folding chairs he wanted to get rid of that I told him I'd be glad to have. I asked if they were home and should stop by he said yes. His wife Anna asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner. Anna's brother Peter and his wife Heather were there too along with Anna & Peter's mother. I met Dan back in 2002 when I started selling board games on Ebay. We met up at a restaurant parking lot about halfway between where each of us lives so he didn't have to pay for shipping. I invited him to a board game night at my place and that's how we started to be friends. I met Peter and Heather through another friend and they started coming to game night at my place in 2003. One time in 2006 Peter brought his sister Anna along to game night at my place and that's where she and Dan met. They got married in 2008 and had twin baby girls four years ago. Dan emailed me three years ago at Christmas and said "if you hadn't offered to deliver those games to me back in 2002 I really don't know where my life would be right now. Thank you." It got me all choked up. Dinner was fantastic! 

I haven't felt this good since I traveled to Europe on vacation a year ago. 

Goodnight all!

[Karma]

Nate, I read most of your posts.  You're doing great!  I read The Power of Habit and it is a really great book.  I've been in a huge neuroscience kick, hoping these studies will finally tell us all how to FINALLY quit X or stop doing Y or start Z'ing.

I also live in Seattle and visit a friend of mine who lives in Vancouver WA frequently.  Japonessa was a good restaurant choice!

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 42

I posted the following on Facebook. The response has been overwhelmingly positive from my friends and family. 

The last three years have been tough. I was working for a narcissistic boss who was always telling me that I was doing things wrong no matter how hard I tried to make her happy. Losing my job and being unemployed was a huge blow to my ego and I've really been struggling with depression these last few years. If I hadn't gone to Europe for the first time a year ago 2017 would have been a total disaster. 

It's difficult times like these when we really grow and change and become better than we were. I knew I was depressed and I picked up the book Lost Connections - Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - And the Unexpected Solutions which really helped me to rethink what was going on in my life. 

For several years I have retreated into playing computer games when I didn't want to deal with my life. It was my preferred way to procrastinate. While I did try to get some balance in life through pursuit of other activities such as going to the gym and board game nights with friends I spent way too much time in this hollow pursuit. After losing my job I was spending 8 hours a day or more playing computer games. Lost Connections helped me to recognize the problem. After trying to cut back unsuccessfully I decided quitting cold turkey for 90 days was necessary. I am now on day 40 of no computer or console gaming. I may let myself start gaming occasionally after that but I need to continue to do the things that actually add to the quality of my life.

Good things have started happening for me. I'm getting the balance back. I'm going to the gym more, cooking more, and spending more time with friends. The job search has gone better, my confidence has increased, my mood has lifted, and I'm getting more things done. I've been able to connect with some new people and things are going really well. It's been a long time since I felt this good.

Today I submitted my information for a background check and provided a urine sample for a drug test. My unemployment will be finished soon and I'll be on to the next phase of my life. I'm so grateful to all of you who have been so helpful and supportive of me over these last few years and especially these last six months. Thank you all for being my friends, for believing in me, for the love you give, and being a big part of my life! God has truly blessed me by having us cross paths the way we have and I hope I can always return the favor and help you all as well!

 

Thank you all for your help and support here! 

 

[BojanB]

Worked for that kind of a boss also. No matter how hard you push yourself it's never enough. Still I now know I'll never repeat that mistake. 

 

Glad things are working out for you. We use games and other instant gratification to block out pain and distract ourselves but it never works. At least it never did for me. Pain only grew. It's only when these things are out of the picture that the room opens up in our lives for positive things to enter it.

 

Looking forward to your next entry.

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 43 & 44

Still waiting for the background check to be completed so I'll know when I'll start working. I've been feeling blue yesterday and today. I figure it's because of the waiting and because it's apparent Matthew doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him. We talked on the phone yesterday but haven't yet today. I'm feeling like maybe spending so much time talking isn't helping me it's keeping me where I'm at emotionally. 

Went to my favorite thrift store yesterday morning but didn't do much of anything in the afternoon. There was a big power outage here in Portland yesterday evening so I took a long walk. So many people were going outside. I saw online that over 40,000 people were without power in the area. Talked to Matthew on part of the walk. Power came back on about three hours later. Apparently there was a gas leak near a substation. A crew was working on the pipe when it was punctured and shutting off the power was a precaution.

Went to the Rethinking Job Search class this morning then the store. My landlord came and asked if I wanted any of a box of stuff that someone had left in his yard at his house. It was a bunch of CDs and DVDs. I said I'd look through it and keep what I wanted and donate the rest. Got my butt to the gym and now I'm about ready to fall asleep on the couch watching some Netflix. 

Goodnight all!

[BojanB]

Sorry to hear about Matthew. In my personal experience those kind of things never get better but that doesn't keep up from hoping they would, sometimes for a long time. 

I'm curious, are you into running?

[Natelovesboardgames]

On 5/18/2018 at 1:14 AM, BojanB said:

Sorry to hear about Matthew. In my personal experience those kind of things never get better but that doesn't keep up from hoping they would, sometimes for a long time. 

I'm curious, are you into running?

Thanks. Some people just have big walls up. They have to learn to let down their guard we cannot pry them open. 

I hurt myself running a couple years ago due to flat feet with no arch support, weak ankles, and hamstrings & IT bands that were too tight. I injured a muscle inside my left calf and had to get physical therapy on it. It's better now and I've got shoe inserts that help but I think I prefer elliptical, stairs, and bikes. I've never been much of an athlete so going to the gym regularly has always been a struggle. It was easier with a trainer who was like a mentor and who could make sure I did things right without injuring myself. In 2007 I injured my right rotator cuff so avoiding injuries and doing things right is important! I just gotta keep putting together workouts to do and do them. Yoga is good and I should swim more if I can remember to get some nose plugs! 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 45, 46, and 47

I'm still waiting for the background check to be completed so I can find out when I start work! 

Thursday was good I cleaned up around the house. I was feeling lazy but decided if I was going to go for happy hour with some friends this week I'd better text some and ask them to join me. I messaged and texted about 12 people and four showed up - Joe, Rex, Rodney, and Mike. We had a great time. Mike's mother passed away a couple weeks ago so he's been really struggling with being down and depressed. He and I decided to go get dinner after happy hour was over and hung out and talked. It was a good time and I hope it helped him out too. Talked with Matthew in the evening on the phone.

Friday I met up with a buddy from high school for coffee. He'd been very open about his struggle with alcohol addiction on Facebook. I also see him at the gym occasionally. We hadn't really talked much before and it was good to get together. We are all struggling with something and it's humbling when people realize we are all weird and need to be loved and don't have to do all this alone. We agreed to get together again soon. 

I then went to the Rethinking Job Search class. Talked to Matthew briefly on the phone. My brother came down to visit me from the Seattle area. We went and had sushi for dinner at Saburo's and then he joined my friends and I for game night. We played Twilight Imperium 4th edition. Saturday a few friends came over and we played Heroes of Land, Sea & Air as well as Star Trek Ascendancy and Rails of Europe(Railways of the World). My brother left around 8ish and everybody else left at 10pm and I've just been relaxing the rest of this evening.

Matthew and I texted each other this morning and afternoon but I didn't talk to him on the phone today. He's out with some friends this evening in Seattle. I've gotten used to talking to him every day and I'm kinda missing that now since we've done it so much these last few weeks. It's okay for me to feel this way it's not a bad thing. I think about him a lot and I've found one of the best things I can do in a situation like this is channel the energy that would go into obsessing over him into something creative. He's going to Paris for his first time on May 30th. He had said in one of our first conversations that he had wanted to go there with someone special because of Paris's reputation for being a city of love. I told him I went by myself my first time a year ago and that I fell in love with the city and that he will too. He's going to have such a great time. I've recommended some of my favorite places that I went (Saint Chappelle, L'Hotel des Invalides, Arc de Triomphe, Raidd Bar, Open Cafe). I know I want to go back! I only saw the outside of the Louvre last time and didn't get out to Versailles so I have tons more I need to do! I told him to find places to show me in Paris. We briefly discussed going to visit Barcelona and Paris on a future trip. So many places I want to go and see! 

Alright I'm beat. Goodnight everyone! 

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 48

I've been feeling very blue today. I didn't want to get out of bed but finally did so around 9am. I feel down because of uncertainty in the job situation and with Matthew. I feel like I want to cry but can't really start.

IM'd with a buddy this morning that I met in a MBTI group on Facebook. He's 22 and going through a lot. Giving him advice and helping him out helps me. He's also been very encouraging to me. 

A friend of mine got me a pass to the Nike employee store near their corporate headquarters in Beaverton, OR. It was crowded and crazy in there. I got shoes for my nephews for Christmas, two pairs of shoes for me, and a shirt. I got a pair of really nice shorts for Matthew that I'll give to him at Christmas. I can return them to another Nike store if needed.   Yeah I probably should avoid the retail therapy and start paying down the credit cards more. I then stopped at Rainy Day Games and picked up a couple of copies of a really great game that was marked down from $35 to $22 that will make great gifts.

Came home, went to the gym. I hoped working out would help uncork some of this trapped emotion. I wore myself out. Came home, ate dinner, and decided to re-watch my favorite episode of Black Mirror which is season 4 episode 4 - Hang the DJ. 

Spoiler

The episode is about couples that are set up by a dating program. The program has a pre-set time limit for how long the relationship would last. Frank reminds me of me from about 15 years ago where I was very insecure in my relationships (insecure attachment style). Frank and Amy's break up reminded me of my relationship with Eddie that ended in 2006 and the fight that caused it. Amy and the girl that Frank met after his and Amy's first date - the one who was bossy and bitchy and always in a hurry - both remind me of Matthew in some ways. It was kind of an eye opener. The episode is really well done and the leads who play Frank and Amy do an incredible job of showing the emotions of nervousness, joy, anxiety, sadness, fear, regret, anger, desperation, and love. 

Watching the episode made me feel better. I still feel like I need a good cry though but at least I can feel what's bringing me down. Part of me is so used to suppressing sadness it sometimes gets stuck inside. There was one time three years ago when I had so much bottled inside I went to a yoga class and we were doing these heart opening exercises. Something in the exercises hit a part of my nervous system (vagus nerve?) that somehow released all this emotion I had bottled inside and I just started crying right there in the middle of the yoga class! Usually I do yoga on Saturday mornings when I can but I might have to look up when a class is sooner. 

I'm not sure what I want to do the rest of the evening I'm feeling tired though. I figured I wanted to write this down while my emotions are at the surface. Part of me feels like calling or texting Matthew, but I know I need to focus on my life today and what I want and need to do. If he calls or texts i'll respond but he hasn't yet. I'll message him tomorrow if I don't hear anything. 

Part of me feels like calling my ex boyfriend Eddie. We IM occasionally. He lives in Singapore which is 15 or 16 hours ahead of Pacific Daylight Time (depending on daylight savings time) which makes it hard to call at a good time. We met when he was in Portland on business back in 2005 and we were in a long distance relationship for a year. He managed to visit Portland twice in 2006. I was so in love with him my heart broke and it was the worst I've ever felt. We dated a year and it took me four years to get over him. I recognize now that part of the reason I was so attached to him was deep down I found it hard to believe that I could ever meet anyone as amazing and gorgeous as he was who would love me like he did. I also think that the fragility of the relationship and the fact that we didn't have a good plan to one day be together activated a lot of my insecurities. I learned so much about myself and about love from my experience dating him. One thing I learned for sure is that I won't get into another long distance relationship again with someone if we've only been together in my town or his only once. I've been asked and I said no. 

Alright, goodnight!

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 49 

It was hard getting up this morning. I felt there were things I had to do but not anything to really look forward to. The Rethinking Job Search class was good. Came home talked to Matthew on the phone for a while this afternoon. I checked on the job website to see what the status of my background check was and the status said "hire in progress" 

I got a text a while later from Jenny the hiring manager asking if I could start work Wednesday  I replied yes. She messaged back that she would call me tomorrow and give me more information 

Called my mom and told her and dad I got the job! Called Matthew and talked to him some more and then called my sister and told her. I texted my friends who had been most supportive. 

I'm just chilling now and watching Rogue One and goofing around on Facebook. My conversations with Matthew make me feel better. We joked about being BFFs. I get the feeling that he is being reserved because he wants to make sure I'm in this for the long haul. He has also been burned by a narcissist before and my early enthusiasm reminded him of the "love bombing" he'd received before from that person. It all makes sense to me. I just have to continue to be trustworthy, open, confident, and humble. 

I feel happy now. I won't have trouble getting out of bed tomorrow morning!  Goodnight all!

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 50

First day at the new job! Everybody is really nice. I was on the computer most of the day with new hire training modules. I shadowed a guy after through the process of fixing a flat tire for a full size pickup. I'm so out of my element here! I know that once I struggle through the process a few times I'll be good though. So much to learn! My head hurts! I got a huge chili relleno burrito from Los Gorditos after getting home from work and showering. Talked to Matthew for a bit on the phone. I am beat and I'm going to sleep really well!

Goodnight all!

[Guest]

wow, congratulations, i bet that must be a big weight off your shoulders! side note, thanks for always keeping up with my journal. its so nice to see those notifications. btw, i saw the movie 'call me by your name' this past week, and loved it.

[Natelovesboardgames]

8 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

wow, congratulations, i bet that must be a big weight off your shoulders! side note, thanks for always keeping up with my journal. its so nice to see those notifications. btw, i saw the movie 'call me by your name' this past week, and loved it.

Thanks Beartic I appreciate it! I still need to see Call Me By Your Name as well as Deadpool and Solo 

Today was day two on the job and it was hard. I haven't worked this hard since I helped a friend of mine move last November. That was also the last time I ached this much. I smashed my left thumb with a hammer and my back hurts. Using my foam roller on my hamstrings and upper back and taking some ibuprofin has helped. 

My strategy of getting in at the bottom of this company and working my way up is going to depend on how quickly I can learn to do this job well, not making mistakes, and taking care of my body. It's hard and scary and I feel like crying and asking "what have I done?" However, this is the hump I'll have to get over. It's been a long time since I faced one in a job. The most amazing part is I would have had a lot more difficulty doing this job 20 years ago than today. So that's progress. 

I'm beat. Matthew should be calling soon. I'm headed to bed and zzzzzzzzzz.......

Goodnight everyone!

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 52 and 53

Friday was a long day. Work meeting at 7am worked until 6:15. Too tired to go to my friends' board game night last night. Ordered a pizza and relaxed and talked to Matthew. 

Saturday worked 8-5:15. Did freight today which required throwing, lifting, stacking, and shelving 156 tires. Worked in the shop in the afternoon. I'm getting the hang of some things. My body just aches and I'm so tired when I get home. Ate, talked on the phone with Matthew and now I'm headed to bed. I've got the next two days off to rest and get things done. 

Alright, goodnight!

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 54 and 55

Sunday was fun it felt like a Saturday on this 3-day weekend. Met up with a friend for coffee, went to Costco, Trader Joe's, and Fred Meyer. Met up with another friend for happy hour. Friends started texting me to come over to their places. I was already buzzed so I took an Uber to my friends' house. We had some drinks there then went out to one of the clubs here in town which was fun. 

After a day of working I'll be too tired to host a board game night at my house I think. I'll have to switch the times with other friends who like to host. I'll also just want to relax and not do much so the temptation to play video games will pop up. I think after the detox I'll allow myself to play games only after a day at work as long as it doesn't interfere with other priorities like sleeping, writing, and eating right. So many evenings I ended up eating cereal for dinner which is really not ideal. I won't allow myself to play on my days off as I'll have too much else to do 

Today I'm just relaxing, doing laundry, and recovering from last night. Matthew is getting ready for a trip to Paris so he's trying to change his sleep schedule at the moment. We'll probably talk later today. 

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Day 56

The best part of my day now is when I come home from work and take a shower and wash off all the dirt and sweat. I feel like I've become my father who after work would usually come home from work exhausted, take care of a few things, ate dinner, and then watch TV. My roommate has been making a lot of fruit smoothies lately around the time I get home and offering me some which is nice. 

I ache all over from work. Every day I wonder if I'm crazy for pursuing this career path. I have a sore spot on my back that has been hurting a lot today. I always try to lift with my knees but this is just some long term wear and tear that is getting activated. I did a bunch of yoga this evening like cat/cow and doing planks to try to help my back. I also have been foam rolling my glutes, IT bands, lats, quads, and calves as it really helps with the muscle aches. I've taken ibuprofin as well.

I got an email today that I didn't get the flight attendant position I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I also got a rejection email last Thursday from dream job #1 that thanked me for applying. I turned off notifications from indeed, glassdoor, and Linkedin. It feels good to not need them anymore. 

Goodnight all!

 

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 57, 58, 59, and 60

My mom says it takes about three weeks for a body to get used to a really physical job. I sure hope so because this job really kicks my ass every day. It's like doing leg day for eight hours a day with an hour break somewhere in the middle. I have bruises everywhere. I have to use my foam roller every night and every morning to try to massage all the sore muscles.  

At the same time I've been sleeping so soundly lately. Time is flying by fast. I'm learning a lot of new skills. I'm not depressed at all I'm just tired and sore. I went to a meetup last Wednesday after work which was fun. For the most part though I just take it easy in the evening maybe get take-out for dinner. 

I work every Saturday and I'm off every Sunday plus one rotating weekday per week. I'm trying to plan my social activities for my days off. Tomorrow is mom's birthday I'm driving up to my parents' place to spend the day with them. I have Monday off too. 

Hard to believe I'm 2/3 of the way through the detox. Life feels good even though my body is so sore and tired.

Time to crash! Goodnight all!

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 61, 62, 63, 64, and 65

Sunday was my mom's birthday. I got her a nice rose bush with brightly colored pinkish red flowers from a local nursery which she really liked. Got to spend the day with her, my dad, brother, sister in law, and nephews. It was really nice.

Monday was a day off for me. I got together with a few people from the rethinking job search class and we went and had lunch at the Portland Mercado and got some fantastic chicken and mole from a food truck there. Did a bunch of shopping and cooked chicken, rice, and broccoli for lunches.

Tuesday I worked and had the scariest moment of my life. We were done with a car and I opened the passenger side door to put a hub cap lock back in the glove box. My coworker was on the driver side and he started lowering the car and my left foot was under the lift! I was like "oh shit!" and tried to move it out and it was stuck! I started yelling at my coworker to stop the lift and it kept going and my foot was starting to turn downward. I started screaming! Fortunately my coworker stopped the lift and I pulled out my foot. I took off my shoe and sock and saw that the foot was okay just bruised in a horizontal line across the foot just behind where the toes are. Of course at this point I was full of adrenaline and went into the restroom and cried a little. I worked the rest of the day without incident. Everyone was good natured about it because we are working with machinery that can cause serious injury. After the incident everyone is yelling "watch your feet" at each other when we lower the hoist. It's nice that we can laugh about it but it was so close to being a lot worse. I had visions of losing my foot and not being able to do the new job anymore all in those few seconds. 

I got home and realized I still hadn't processed all the emotions. I cried some more. I felt so alone. My parents are 90 minutes away and my brother three hours away. Before I would turn to my friend Erick when I needed emotional support and someone to just hear me and help talk me through what I was feeling. Unfortunately he developed a meth addiction and I had to let the friendship go two years ago. Prior to Erick I would turn to my ex boyfriend Kevin or ex boyfriend Don when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I feel like I don't have that now. I could talk to Matthew, but he's still on vacation in Paris and he insists that he just wants to be friends with benefits and nothing more. Whether he's unwilling to be in a relationship or is just unable it doesn't matter. I don't feel like I can look to him like I wish I could. The last we talked was Sunday or Monday. He's flying back tomorrow. We'll see what happens. 

Wednesday work went well and wiped me out. European cars that don't have lug nuts and instead have to have the tire bolted on (some Volvos, Audis, Porsches, Mercedes, and BMWs) are a complete nightmare! I'm trying to figure out how to get better at putting the tires on these cars but they're so hard and after trying for a minute my knees end up hurting then my back. I got some old kneepads from my dad that I started using specifically for when I work on these cars. I think they purposely make it too difficult for people to do themselves like when they have to put on a spare so they'll sign up for the roadside assist package or some service like that.

I talked to my roommate Wednesday night and told him about the near-accident Tuesday. I didn't tell him about the feelings of being alone. I talked to another friend this morning via IM. I ended our chat by asking "How would 'looking for someone to hole me while I cry' look on a dating profile? " which got a laugh. 

Today was good. I hurt all over. I'm going to bed. Goodnight!

[Guest]

Jesus, that would rattle anybody. Hope the 3 weeks makes it a lot easier. So what happens if you actually do get really injured in the job? Did you have to sign something that says the company doesn't have responsibility, or would they pay you a bit?

[Natelovesboardgames]

15 hours ago, BigOlBeartic said:

Jesus, that would rattle anybody. Hope the 3 weeks makes it a lot easier. So what happens if you actually do get really injured in the job? Did you have to sign something that says the company doesn't have responsibility, or would they pay you a bit?

Thanks Beartic I appreciate it. If I was injured while working it would become a Workman's Compensation claim. I don't have any benefits yet at the company. After six months they all kick in. I haven't been there long enough to accrue any FMLA time plus I don't think the store has enough employees to fall under the requirements of FMLA. Depending on the injury that would determine how long out of work one would have to be and if it's too long then they would have to terminate the employment. I am on COBRA currently so I do have health insurance that has been continued from my previous employer but it costs me about $765/month. Six more months of that then I get to be on the company health insurance and will also be able to get short term and long term disability insurance should they ever be needed.

[Natelovesboardgames]

Days 66 and 67 and the beginning of day 68

Friday was a light day at work which was very welcome. It meant I was able to go home right at 6pm and go to my friends' game night at their house at 7pm. Of course I was tired and achy and ended up having to call it a night at about 10pm but was good to do something social with my friends and show off my bruises. My fingertips on my right hand are kind of numb and tingling which made it difficult to shuffle cards or pick up little plastic pieces. I'm probably taking more ibuprofin than I should but I feel it's necessary right now. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with my arm and hand hurting and needed to get relief in order to sleep. 

Yesterday was good it was more busy and it rained like crazy here in Portland. Got home, cleaned up, then ordered a pizza. I sat down to watch the Sense8 finale and a friend texted me wanting to hang out. So I went and visited him and his boyfriend last night which was fun. I realized I had some IcyHot left from a couple years ago from when I injured myself trying to run so I rubbed it all over my arms, hands, and legs and was able to sleep better without waking up as much and needing to take as much ibuprofin.

I finished the Sense8 finale this morning. It was a very satisfying ending. I haven't decided what I'm doing the rest of the day yet. 

Cheers!