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info-gatherer

90 Days of Journal

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15 hours ago, WorkInProgress said:

Interesting and well-written. I used to be exactly the kind of person that the article talks about, but in the last two years I partially improved that side of my personality. I still have a lot of work to do, tho. I often think I’m missing out on something important, but that’s mostly because I’ve stopped doing almost anything that isn’t studying or gaming. The sentence about reading books in Bali struck me. That’s what I do everytime I travel. I always want to read “a book that was written in the country I’m visiting”. I’ll think about this. Thanks for posting.

Day 10

topic: social anxiety

Today I noticed that my social anxiety is re-emerging. I stealthly check rooms before entering them, I check the streets hiding behind the corner out of fear of meeting people I don’t want to meet. Today outside the library there were 4 people making fun of someone that looked like me based on their description, but could be 50 other people as well. For some reason in my mind I was sure that they were talking about me.

Story: I was heavily bullied when I was younger, from 10 years old to 16-17. Both at school, and from my “friends”... I often got physically beaten, but the worst part was the psychological bullying that made me feel like an outcast. I lived with SHAME all my life and I still have paranoid daydreams of violence or people making fun of me / shunning me; or daydreams in which I beat other people (even innocent) and force them to admit to themselves that I’m superior to them. It’s very hard to live with this. When some people actually makes fun of me and I find out, like when it happens for real, I always feel like all my paranoias are true. I’m always very self-aware, when I’m in a room with other people I have trouble focusing on what I’m doing because I study them and I must be ready if something bad happens. I know I have some problems, something is deeply fucked up in my brain. Gaming was my escape, now I have to feel all the fear, all the pain, I am forced to always be present to myself. It’s so damn hard. This is the hardest day since I stopped gaming. I realized that I live in fear.

Goals: mostly met; tomorrow goals same as today + playing tennis in the evening

 

Also, sorry for not commenting other people’s journal. I need a couple weeks to emotionally re-settle in this city.

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Day 11

I really don’t know what to write. Spent the whole day at the library, finished the boring essay which in the end was not boring, tomorrow I’m starting a new one, nobody loves me except my gf and maybe other 10 people that live in other cities and I never call anyway, family included. I’m not gaming, I study, I do sports, I wake up at 8.30, I’m alone and today I feel like chilling on the pessimist side of things

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Day 12

Today for the first time since day 1 I allowed my mind to wander ( just for 5 minutes) on gaming thoughts. I severely restricted my mind from every and I mean EVERY gaming thoughts before today. Anyway, I didn’t feel like I lost control. I stopped when I wanted and focused on studying. 2 weeks ago, doing the same would have been so difficult, near impossible. I’m conquering my mind.

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Day 13

Today I journal in the afternoon instead of before going to sleep. It’s 15:37 right now.

First time in months I don’t go back to parents home in the weekend. This morning I woke up at the usual 8.30 am. It’s saturday, so the university library is closed. I went to a public “study room” instead.

After a week of hard study (10 hours a day) I found out I can’t really take it anymore, so I’m not studying this afternoon. Instead, I’m cleaning the house (my turn is tomorrow but I hope my flatmates don’t mind if I do it today).

I have this feeling that I’m spending too much time at my gf’s house, I go there almost every day for lunch or dinner, sometimes both, and her flatmate is probably not ok anymore with this. I noticed a change in her behaviour. I will try to go there just once every two days, and only if invited. Problem is, they cook very nice dishes (XD yes i know i know) and it’s nice not to eat alone every time, so it will be hard to say no.

 

update: I cleaned kitchen, bathroom, living room and even my own room, which really needed it. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading some notebooks that the previous tenant of the room I live in left behind. Her journals, her poems, her stories. I even found a long list of the people she had sex with. Educational afternoon.

Edited by info-gatherer
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Day 14

Yesterday I went to bed late (2.30 am) because of a movie. This morning I woke up before the alarm rang. My mind is building a habit of waking up early. Good stuff.

bad news is that I have a headache. I had breakfast and read a graphic novel. I’m chilling on the armchair, maybe later I will do something productive

 

edit: i said “yes” to a dinner with an old friend, no social anxiety, no sadness, nice evening, too much wine but it’s ok. Goal: waking up at 7.30

Edited by info-gatherer
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Day 15

Very busy day. I realized that the next 2-3 weeks are gonna be busy as hell. I’m going to study all the time and hopefully pass the next exam on 2/28. I need to pass that exam bc doing so will most likely allow me to move to Paris, France, for 9 months. 

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Day 16

I’m not gonna lie to the community anymore. A mail from Riot Games has been sitting in my mailbox for the whole week. They say that my accounts haven’t yet been deleted. They need further confirmation. I mostly forget about the mail, the few times I think about it I tell myself that I don’t have time to answer. I’m just ignoring it, but it’s there, and it’s scary.

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If Riot Games don't wanna delete/disable that account, try something like this:

Open notepad with an empty file, faceroll over your keyboard, close your eyes, press CTRL + A (to select everything), CTRL + C (to copy into clipboard),press ALT + SPACE + N (to minimize the window), open your eyes, Download Tor Browser, go to Riot website with Tor, request new password, copy confirmation link, open in Tor, paste the facerolling stuff from notepad. 

Could also try to blindly change your email the same way.

Riot wants your IP later if you try to get your account back via their support, even though you might have a dynamic IP from your Internet provider, its still harder when they see weird IP's (from Tor), so it either takes longer or they even might deny to give it back at all.

But, they should be able to delete it, because: https://support.riotgames.com/hc/en-us/articles/202647784-Account-Deletion-FAQ

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lol ty for the tutorial. I dobnt need it but ill try the faceroll part anyway

They are not refusing to delete my account anyway, I just need to write a mail and say “yes, I confirm, you understood correctly, I want it to be deleted”. But I didn’t send that mail and I don’t know why

Edited by info-gatherer

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Day 17

Everything runs smoothly. I’m studying all day long every day and I really enjoy it. It’s like I’m again in love with what I do. Gaming thoughts don’t distract me. I’m focusing on making my life better and every day I see small improvements. Quitting games is changing my life. I’m so optimist and chill. My gf jokes that reading all this motivational stuff is making me stupid, but it’s not true. I will never forget depression, pain, loneliness, fear and all the other negative emotions (that are still a part of my life ofc). I will never shy looking in the eyes of my hard-learned truth and be silly. Instead, I’ll outgrow what makes me weak like old clothes.

I noticed I have a new problem and I should fix it asap. I’m spending too much money. Actually too much. More than 10€ a day just for smoking, eating and coffee (bills, rent, taxes, everything else not included). Since I’m not trying to quit smoking yet (probably until the end of this detox) and I must eat something, I guess I should eliminate coffee. I spend the whole day at the library, so I buy 4-5 coffees (0.70€ each). It’s too much. More than 50€ of coffee every month.

New goal: buy a coffee machine and a termic bottle. Make coffee in the morning at home before going out, thus effectively saving a lot of money.

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Day 18

I got fkin destroyed at tennis. I’m in a beginners course with a 45 yo real estate agent and a 28-ish bank accountant. I’m in a better physical shape than them despite smoking a lot. I used to be at their level some months ago (we were all beginners). Actually I were much better than the bank guy, having played some beach tennis previously. But they train 2 times a week, on tuesday and thursday, and I train only on thursday. I always focus a lot to get better, I even watched some pro games, but they play twice the time I play and I’m no match for them anymore. I’m thinking about asking money to my parents and start playing twice as much myself, but even if my parents say yes, I fear twice a week is too much for me. I’m not seeing the same progress they see and I don’t like it. What the hell should I do

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Day 19

Sorry for yesterday’s rant. It was quite childish.

Today I had a lot of trouble focusing on my books. I kept daydreaming about sex and violence.

This one is big: for the first time in years I was propositive with my family and asked them to go skiing on sunday. They all agreed except my dad. Maybe when he sees that we are all going he comes as well. I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend a day with my family and do stuff together & also very happy about skiing bc I used to be good at it but 7-8 years have passed since the last time and I missed it.

so, tomorrow I’m going back to parents home (1st time since I started detox) and ofc I will not game

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16 hours ago, Reno F said:

I hope your dad joins the family, but if he doesn't, have fun anyway!

Ye I hope that too, but if he doesn’t I understand him. He’s got a problem at his leg. He can ski, but at the price of feeling some pain in doing so. We’ll see :) thanks for commenting

Day 20

Went to bed at 3 AM, woke up at 9.30 sharp. Waking up early is so easier when you enjoy your life.

edit: I went to a friend’s home and while he studied I read a comic book. Later we talked about philosophy, cinema, cooking and learning english. I showed him the bbc learning english podcast that I myself discovered a week ago.

I met my gf and talked with her. She’s been very sad and emotional lately. I’ll maybe explain why in another post. I tried to help her and told her all the things I’m learning bc of my detox. It looked like she felt better when I left and hopped on my train. Now I’m going to parents’ home and I’m VERY HAPPY because I don’t fear that I will feel the need to plug my pc, install new patches and waste my life on LoL as soon as I step in! I’m watching trees and fields running by my train window and I am so happy about my life

 

update 2: for a reason I can’t fathom, my brother disassembled my gaming pc and conntected his xbox to my monitor. Now I have a giant xbox in front of my bed. Wtf life is weird at times. I’m going to throw the thing away from my room in a couple minutes

Edited by info-gatherer

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Day 21

I went skiing with my family. I thought that I had to go back-to-basics after 10 years without practice but my skill was mostly still there and I did all the tracks with no problems. It was beautiful retrieving all the old gestures, still intact, like how to pair the skis, how to tie my boots... and my old clothes, the same of 10 years ago, I could still fit inside them. Nostalgic and funny day. I spent severals hours on my own and then I taught my brother and sister some techniques. I am very grateful for this day, and grateful to my mum and dad that drove us to the mountain and back. While going home, I fell asleep in the car like a child and now I’m very tired. Tomorrow morning I’m going back to uni city

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Day 22

Woke up early, wasted a couple hours surfing the net, then went out to buy a termic bottle for my coffee. Went home, destroyed it after 5 min, went out, bought another, is trash anyways and doesnt work. I also read in a website that after 6 hours or so the coffee gets cold even with the best termic bottles, so it was a bad idea to start with. Atleast I visited my grandmother. Now I should take my car and drive to uni city and maybe go to the library and do something productive at least for a couple hours.

update: I don’t feel well, both phisically and mentally. I feel depressed and alone and scared. Maybe it’s just the flue. I stayed at the library from 4 to 7 and read just a sinngle chapter without understanding it. I kept daydreaming about a terrorist attack. How sick in the head am I? jesus christ

Edited by info-gatherer

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Day 23

I got this high fever, totally burning up. I am forced to stay in bed and I hate it bc I have a lot of stuff to do: today is my gf birtday and I won’t go to the surprise party, tomorrow I won’t go tennis, probably friday I won’t attend a graduation party. And I will probably not study much... I really must quit smoking after gaming

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Day 24

Being forced to stay in bed is like seeing all my efforts to change my life and be productive go down the drain. Yesterday I felt so bad I litterally stayed in bed 24 hours straight with eyes closed, immobile. Only “activity” I did was listening episode 2 of Game Quitters podcast, but even that gave me an headache. Today I feel better... hope to get better soon and GO OUT IN THE REAL WORLD

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Day 25

Fever is costantly very high and medicines don’t seem to work. My gf got sick too after trying to help me and I can not be autosufficient, so I asked my parents to come and pick me up.

Edited by info-gatherer
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Day 26 & 27

Yesterday I fell asleep early and didn’t journal as intended. The doctor came and visit me, gave me a medicine and told me that I’m probably going to be fine in a couple days. Cameron, guess you were right :) Also, I’m happy to hear you recovered.

So, lets talk about gaming. Being forced in bed for a week made me think again about videogames.

1. I thought about the possibility to install and enjoy some single player games. I understood that my mind was trying to persuade itself that they were “less addictive” and I could maybe try and play them after the 90 days... when I know from my experience that they are a time sink as bad as online games. The only difference is that they end at a certain point. But then you just download and play another one. (& they’re less fun anyway).

2. AT THE END OF THE DAY, STAYING IN BED AND DOING ALMOST NOTHING IS MORE “PRODUCTIVE” THAN PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. If I spent this days playing I would have done just that. Playing. But now, even with persistent high fever, I read some articles, watched a couple documentaries, studied a little bit, and most importantly: planned what to do when I get better. If I gamed, responsibilities would get me unaware at the end of the high. Without gaming, I was focused on my life even while doing nothing.

Also, since being productive is probably not the ultimate goal of a human being, I can proudly add that I didn’t get that guilty self-destructive feeling that comes with gaming addiction at the end of the day. Did I get bored? A lot. I wished I could play and soothe the boredom. But I didn’t, and I hadn’t to feel guilty. It was worth it, and it always will, even when it’ll look scary. I just need to stay strong and find people who make me stronger.

3. I realized once again how time has a very relative pace, and remembered how games used to distort that time, making it feel shorter. 5 days playing LoL were like a blink of an eye, 5 days in bed were long and lonely.

I also thought a lot about myself and I came to the conclusion that what is NOT OK in my life, the CORE OF MY UNHAPPYNESS AND FRUSTRATION is that I AM ALWAYS SCARED OF OTHER PEOPLE’S JUDGEMENT, AND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST MISTAKE, EVEN IMAGINARY, MAKES ME FEEL ASHAMED AT A PATHOLOGICALLY PARANOID LEVEL. I must take action and FIX THIS ISSUE, deal with it and be done forever.

I still don’t know how to do it, but I believe that a very important step would be opening up with this professor of mine that inspired a good deal of my paranoid feelings. But even if I find the courage... will he listen?? And if I say the wrong things...? Guess you got the picture

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Day 28

Day started in quite a bad fashion when I found out that my dad put all my cigarettes except one in the trash.

I recovered from the fever but still have this persistent coughing that doesn’t leave me alone (ofc not smoking is not an option, but I’m smoking much much less than I usually do). Medicines help a bit. I just had a shower and now I’m going out of the house again yeeeee!!!! Later I need to do a lot of paperwork

 

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Added a photo of mine, I'll change it as soon as I shot one in which I smile :D

EDIT: I added it as a little step towards stopping to be obsessed with privacy and secrecy in my life, and eventually overcoming that feeling of shame I talked about. I think that opening up a bit more with this community and showing my real face (I see a lot of people have a personal photo) is a good start.

Edited by info-gatherer

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