dwalk77 Journal

[dwalk77]

Day 2

Alright...I think it's a good idea for me to write in here daily until I at least get a week or 2 under my belt.

Yesterday was day 1, and I made it through - no Twitch.  The most difficult time of day was the morning.  I work from home, and I have a second monitor set up that I usually use for some sort of background entertainment (which, I will admit, often gets pushed to "foreground" entertainment).  Anyways, it's very easy for me to pop on Twitch as I wake up and put it on that secondary monitor.  Yesterday, I resisted.  I found a few other Youtube channels to check out.  Eventually I went to porn.  Yeah, I want to quit that too, but...mostly focusing on cutting out the gaming right now.

It ended up being a productive day.  I cleaned my room, which was past due.  That always gives me a boost and I feel better about myself after.  I also took a walk outside.  It was a gorgeous day. 

The other tempting time to poke around on Twitch was later at night.  I ended up watching a movie, and that kept me occupied enough.
Even though yesterday I never watched any games,  most of my dreams last night were about the game I was watching this past weekend.  I guess that goes to show how powerful the images in the games can be.  It's going to take some time for that to fade out.

I've heard the idea a lot of writing a daily gratitude list.  So I'm going to try to list at least 3 things from each day that I'm grateful for.
3 things from yesterday:

1. The weather was beautiful.  Usually in this area, it's pretty cold in late January, but yesterday was warmer, and I was able to take a walk around the block in shorts and a t-shirt.
2. My Mom came by yesterday and dropped off some to-go food from one of my favorite restaurants.  It was my birthday.  Nice of her to do that and have a visitor for a bit
3. Feels good to have a clean room again.  No more clutter laying around.  Feel like my mind is freed up and a bit sharper now, less distracted.
4. My health is still not at 100%, but I'm so grateful of how much better I feel now as opposed to last week.  I had some really rough days, and I'm just glad most of that seems to be behind me now.

 

 

[dwalk77]

Day 3

I realized that I had requested Steam to permanently delete my account about 30 days ago, and that expires tomorrow.  So after tomorrow, I won't be able to game anymore, unless I want to create a new account.  I think that'll be a relief to have that barrier there.

Yesterday was good.  I did some work, more work than I've done in quite a while.  Not a lot, but it's something.  I went out for a haircut after work...it was driving me nuts, another thing I had put off for quite some time.  And I kept myself busy with podcasts and a movie. 

I might have some training today at work.  I'm going to be back up in case this girl is out for some reason, it'll be something new for me.  I have a little anxiety about that, that I won't get it or that she could not be very thorough, but I think that's mostly in my mind.  Just need to show up and go from there.  Ask questions.
Other than that, today is pretty quiet.  I think it'd be a good gesture to clean the bathroom, which I share with my roommate.  With me being sick lately, I'm sure he'd appreciate a clean bathroom.

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. My hair is cut.  The length was getting annoying
2. My house was basically quiet the entire day.  One of my roommates can be a bit loud, but yesterday it was pretty peaceful
3. My Mom's tortilla soup, which she brought over a few days ago.  So good..

[dwalk77]

Day 4

The urges weren't too bad yesterday. 
The training I was supposed to have was pushed off to today, so I didn't have to deal with that.  I did clean the bathroom, and that was one of my big to-do things.  It does feel a lot better, now that I've got both a clean bedroom and bathroom.  Again, if it might sound minute, it really does give me a psychological boost.  I also went out of the house and picked up a few things at the store.  That's another goal/habit I'm trying to implement - get outside my house every day, even if it's just for a 5-minute walk around the block.  I think the more I coop myself in here, the harder it is to get out.

Other than that, I just watched a few movies.

Today - training with work.  Just need to show up, and try to soak in as much as I can.  Review and repeat it after, ask questions.
I feel a bit tired already, which seems weird b/c I feel like I got a lot of sleep last night.  I guess I'll need a nap today. 
Now that I've got caught up on some things that were past due like a haircut and cleaning the house, I want to start improving my daily routine and working on some of these "bigger" things, like calling into support groups or going to confession/mass.  If I'm not specific about what I want to do and how to do it, I risk not doing it at all. 

3 things from yesterday grateful for:

1. I have a clean bathroom.  It was getting pretty gross.
2. I said a decade of the rosary yesterday.  That's the most I've prayed in a while
3. I got good sleep last night.  Was in bed before 11, which is really good for me.  Last few weeks it's been past midnight a lot

[dwalk77]

Day 5

It's Friday, favorite day of the week.  I finally put a full week of work in this year.
I realize that weekends are a huge trigger for me with gaming, so it's important how I deal with this weekend since it's my first one where I'm attempting no gaming/watching.  Yesterday I already took a positive step and made some plans for after work today.  I'm going to play disc golf with a friend.  The weather is finally turning a corner.  Days are getting warmer and longer.  I still have Saturday and Sunday wide open.  I was considering confession on Saturday.  If not, I need to find something that will keep me occupied.  Reading and television seem to be the most obvious.  Maybe I'll even go out for another round of disc. 

I'm sort of feeling the itch to reach out to a girl.  Not necessarily a specific girl, but to some girl I've been attracted to.  I think this desire is good and healthy.  It shows that I have changed in the last few days.  But rather than pursue that, I think it's better to get my own house in order first, i.e., support groups.
I can notice something different in me the last few days.  I don't feel like I'm tiptoeing around the house, I feel more confident.  I feel like I'm more aware and curious about what's going on around me rather than my mind being wrapped up in video games.

Yesterday I mentioned doing some of the "bigger" things now that I'm caught up on some routine things.  Yesterday I did about 15 minutes of exercise.  I'll say it kicked my butt....which is freaking awesome.  After being sick for the last few weeks, I was so happy to be able to actually push myself physically and DO something.  I could feel the congestion loosening up, it was like I was getting some of this built-up crud out of my system.  My goal is to exercise like that at least 3 times a week.  And no, going out for a round of disc golf does not count as "exercise". 

I also did a detailed excel sheet of my daily routine and what I want that to look like.  If I want to improve my life, I think it's crucial to map some of this stuff out.  Things like making sure I brush my teeth for a full 2 minutes and sleeping with my phone AWAY from my bed.  Keeping the same lunch time, waking up at the same time, incorporating prayer/reading/journaling into my daily routine, not just when I feel like it -- I think this are all very important things.

Yesterday, grateful for:

1.  15 minutes of exercise.  I was really worn out towards the end of it, which shows that it was both a good workout and I've got a long ways to go. 
2.  My training at work was pushed back to next week.  Gives me a bit of breathing room to focus on other things
3.  I was very tired yesterday, but I stuck with my plan of no caffeine.  I just think it's better for me, not to rely on it every morning.  That's 2 days in a row, no caffeine.  The withdrawals should gradually decrease

 

[dwalk77]

Day 6

Almost to that 1-week mark.
I am in the middle of the weekend now, Saturday afternoon.  I don't actually have any plans over the next few days, which is somewhat concerning.  I'd like to exercise again today.  I think I can hold the line this weekend.  It's easy enough to find other forms of entertainment. 

Yesterday, I did go out with a few friends and get a round of disc golf in.  That was a really good move.  I initiated the plans.  Like I've said before, disc golf checks off so many boxes for me.  Maybe most importantly is that it's social (if I'm playing with others), but also it's a way to get connected with nature, get some exercise, and work towards mastering a skill. 

Last night I slept extremely hard, for over 10 hours.  I'm really grateful for that, that might indicate that I wasn't getting enough sleep during the work week or that this sickness is still lingering a bit.

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. Getting out and playing some disc with my friends.  Weather was warm enough
2. It was Friday.  Finally made it through a full work week this year without taking off.
3. Filed my taxes yesterday, looks like I'll get a decent amount back....when the govt eventually gets around to processing it

[dwalk77]

Day 7

Today makes a week, that's awesome.  I'm over halfway through the weekend, so that's good too.  I think it was yesterday that I got an e-mail from Steam that my account has officially been deleted.  That's a bit of a weight off.  Yeah, if I really wanted to, I could just create another one, but at least I know I have that boundary there now.

Yesterday I went out and got some food as well as a few things from the store.  I exercised again, for about 15 minutes or so.  I prayed for about 15 minutes as well.  Posted on NoFap, which I want to do regularly as well, regardless of how well I'm doing in that area.  Not much more than that, watched a movie and some TV. 

Tomorrow starts the work week and training on this new stuff.  As mentioned before, I'm concerned that I won't understand it or the trainer won't be thorough enough.  Just need to show up and ask questions if I don't understand something.  It's a 1 on 1 training situation, so it's not like I have a whole class around me to be self-conscious about.

I've really been struggling with feeling resentment towards my roommate.  I won't get too much into the details, but he's crossed some boundaries with me on multiple occasions.  I feel sort of trapped, b/c I'd like to move, but I don't have anywhere to move to.  I like living at this house...the rent is cheap, the house is big, and I think it's best for me not to live alone.  Maybe I just need a little more patience.  I also think I need to work on making new friends.  A living opportunity might come of  that. 

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. I slept for over 10 hours.  I feel like that was needed, both with getting over being sick and the work week.
2. I got my exercise in.  That's twice this week
3. Able to have some time for meditation/prayer, and house was quiet during that time

[dwalk77]

Day 8

Past the 1-week mark.  I've been watching a lot of movies.  It's no coincidence that within the week, I've made some strides on forming better habits.  Things like exercising, actually doing work during work hours, meditating/praying, and getting to bed at a better time.  Hasn't been perfect, but it's definitely been better.

This upcoming week, a few things I'd like to do.. 

• One is just to get through this training I've been mentioning.  Be rested and dedicate time to it.  Try to throw myself into it, lose myself in it, rather than being timid about it. 
• I'd like to make a phone call to a support group by the end of the week.  There's no (good) reason for me not to.  I need to set a date/time when I'm going to do it
• I want to continue what I've done this last week, don't let it just drop off.  Exercise, prayer/meditation is important
• Start brushing my teeth for a full 2 minutes and start flossing
• No more phone in bed at night.  Overnight I will charge my phone on the other side of the room

Grateful for, yesterday:

1. Another night of 10 hours plus of sleeping
2. I started working through a workbook I had started months ago, regarding another addiction.  It really makes you slow down and take a deep look at yourself
3. I was able to post in both NoFap and Gamequitters yesterday

[Bird By Bird]

Ditto on the phone thing for me. I had to place it aaaaallllllll the way downstairs for my laziness vs temptation laziness side to win out and not phone in bed until 5 am. Support groups are super important in quarantine and in general. What groups have you considered?

[dwalk77]

@Bird By Bird That's awesome that you made that change.  I really do think sometimes a simple change in environment can go a long ways

As far as support groups, I want to get back to SA, which is based on AA, but focused on the sexual aspect of addiction.   I actually attended some meetings prior to COVID, and it helped with my porn usage.  After COVID, they stopped offering face-to-face meetings, and for whatever reason I have a harder time making a call than I do showing up to a physical meeting.

[dwalk77]

Day 9

To be honest, yesterday didn't feel all that great.  Felt unproductive, lazy, like I just wasn't doing enough.  I didn't exercise.  Felt like I got a late start to work.  Last week it felt like I was building on things and making progress.  Yesterday just felt stagnant.

After reflection, I think there's a few things I can do to make the day better.  One thing I've learned is that focusing on feelings doesn't do much good, especially if I'm in some sort of rut.  Actions now, feelings later.  I do things even if I don't "feel like it", and then later the good feelings come.  Rather than just moping around and feeling bad. 

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. Training went well...we went over one of her daily tasks, and I think I have a fairly good grasp on it
2. I got out of the house yesterday.  It was only to get food, but it still satisfies a goal of mine to get out of the house everyday.
3. A Youtuber I follow came back after a hiatus, so some daily entertainment to keep me occupied. 

 

[dwalk77]

Day 10

I didn't do much yesterday.  The biggest thing was the training.  I think it went alright.  It is a lot to take in, but that's how a lot of things are at the beginning.  Nothing so far seems super difficult, it's just a lot of steps.  The plan is to write detailed steps for myself as I get the process down more.

Other than that, I finished out a TV series.  A part of me views that as an "accomplishment", but I know it's really not.  I have a small to-do list to get through today, hopefully I can get through that and today's a little more productive..

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. There are a few things I am working on giving up, alcohol and caffeine.  I'm doing good with both.  Haven't had alcohol in 2021, and caffeine it's been a few weeks. 
2. Training the last few days has been alright.  My trainer hasn't been rushing through it and she's been pretty good
3. Had a nice little chat with one of my roommates yesterday.  Just important to have whatever social stuff I can in my life right now.

[dwalk77]

Day 11

It's kind of cool how one thing can make a bad day to a good one.  I finally called into a support group meeting.  It's not that attending one meeting is going to bring about some great change in me, but...it could be the start of a change.  It just feels like a huge relief, getting that first one under my belt.  I hadn't attended once since COVID started, and in total it's probably been about a year.  For me to change and break this habit of porn, I think I need to attend at least 2 a week, but 3 would even be better.  At this meeting, it's just good to see some other guys who have had success with this.  I plan to attend a meeting again on Tuesday, and I may even call into another one tomorrow.  I just feel like I can breathe a little, I have confidence I can do this.  That was a big moment for me.

Other than that, to be honest, it wasn't a great day.  I did have some more training.  I'm starting to do some more on my own, which is good.  I kinda felt like my trainer was getting impatient with me or angry with me yesterday for not remembering more.  That kind of bothered me a little, but it's important that I keep persisting and learning.  If I get self-conscious about asking questions and end up not knowing how to do something, that's on me.

I looked at porn twice yesterday, even after the meeting....but somehow, the meeting seems to overshadow the negativity of that.  Like I said, it's going to take time.  Something else I need to work on is my diet and how I'm overspending on food.  I'm eating a lot more than I need, and I'm using DoorDash several times a month, which is really eating (pun intended) into my finances. 

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. As mentioned, went to a support group meeting.  Feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Goal now is to at least maintain that once a week.
2. Watched Schindler's List.  It's a dark movie, not something I particularly enjoy watching, but the message is so powerful.  When I put myself in their shoes, I realize how good I have it in my life
3. Further progression in training at work.  That's 3 sessions with her this week.  Not something I've been used to, working with someone, learning something for 3 days in a row, but I've handled it alright so far

[dwalk77]

Day 12

Almost to that 2-week mark.  I feel really good about that.  The cravings have definitely died down, especially compulsively going to Twitch.  I think this weekend is really key.  Getting through 2 weekends without any gaming stuff would be a victory.  I find when I'm on my computer now, I'm slowing down and thinking about where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do before actually going there.  There's still times where I'm kind of clicking around impulsively, especially Youtube, but it's not on the same level as when I was watching Twitch.

Yesterday was kind of a mediocre day.  My sleep schedule has been off, that's something I want to correct.  I feel a little out of it during work hours, and then after work I take a nap that almost feels bad b/c it seems I'm sleeping way too deep for it to be in the middle of the day.  And then I stay up late, past bedtime.  Next morning I wake up without enough sleep, and the cycle continues.  A few ideas on correcting this:  1. however crappy I feel, don't push off my wake-up time.  Put my phone alarm across the room so I have to get out of bed and can't hit snooze.  2. skip a nap.  the naps are keeping me up later at night.  and instead, work out and get my heart going, that'll keep me awake for a bit. 3. It's okay to go to bed a little earlier than I plan.  that's better than later.  4. Finally, if I'm in bed and can't sleep, read.  Reading tends to put me to sleep.  And if I don't sleep, it's still a win-win.  In the end that means I read part of a book -- that's a lot smarter than watching mindless TV or videos!

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. Had a long walk yesterday, satisfied getting out of the house. 
2. No porn yesterday
3. A friend reached out and it looks like we're going to play some disc this weekend

[dwalk77]

Day 13

Finished out the workweek yesterday.  That's a big relief.  It was my first week of training, and I thought it went pretty well.  I learned a lot, and I wrote up some of my own notes I can follow.  Hopefully after next week I'll have the bulk of it done.  Other than that, it was still kind of a lazy day.  I got hooked into a TV series, and I have mixed feelings about that.  On one hand, I enjoy the show and it takes away my boredom.  On the other, giving up video games to binge watch TV doesn't feel a whole lot better. 

Another weekend is here, but this time I feel much more confident I can make it without gaming.  Honestly I think a big part of that is I have this TV show to indulge myself with.  I'm going to have to find something else in future weekends.  I was going to go disc golfing with some friends this morning, but it's kinda cold out, and I don't want to risk getting sick again.

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. Yesterday was Friday, completed a workweek.  It was a pretty good one, I made a lot of progress with training for this backup role.
2. Yesterday was also payday.  Within the last 6 months or so, I've gone from being in debt to now accumulating some savings for a car.  It just feels good not to owe anybody any more.
3. I did some of an Anxiety workbook yesterday. 

 

[dwalk77]

Day 14

Yes! I'm at 2 weeks.  I know that the longer I'm away from these games, the less that pull is going to be.  The last few days, going to Twitch has barely been on my mind.  That's awesome.  It's not just about not gaming, but what I've been doing in the last 2 weeks.  I started exercising, I've gotten a good amount done at work, and I've done some other things more often, such as praying, reading, and writing.

Yesterday I basically binged on my TV show.  I think I watched about 20 episodes, or 8 hours worth.  Yeah, it's not the best day.  I did do a little self-reflection through a workbook I have, but not much more than that.

Tomorrow starts the work week.  Hopefully I can finish out my training, or at least have the majority of it done.  I'd rather get some decent sleep tonight so my goal is to be IN BED by midnight.  Not giving myself the opportunity for rest tonight could lead to a domino effect of being tired at work the rest of the week.

I have Friday and the following Monday off, I'm helping my brother move.  It's going to be a lot of driving, but kind of looking forward to seeing him and traveling, doing something different, getting outside of my shell for a bit. 

Yesterday, grateful for:

1. Did a bit of workbook work on Sex Addiction
2. Able to sleep in unhindered by any obligations.  Felt great
3. It's been cold out, and I have a little heater next to me in my room

Edited February 7, 2021 by dwalk77

[dwalk77]

Day 30
Sobriety date: 1/25/21

Alright, 30 days! I put a reminder on my phone to post on here once a week, so hopefully I can stick to that.
These last few weeks have actually gone by pretty quickly.  A few weekends ago I had a trip with my brother and Dad to help move him from California to Texas.  It wasn't much of a vacation due to all the driving, but it felt good to help out my brother.  It was nice to have some conversations with my Dad.  I was also encouraged to see how healthy he was.  He's had issues most of his life with a variety of things, but on this trip he was alert and actually pitched in with driving quite a bit.  It was nice being on the open road too, just letting my mind go and taking in some different scenery.  We had to shorten the trip due to a large winter storm coming through our route.  I drove 24 hours in 2 days, and I was exhausted by the end of it, but we accomplished our mission.  We got my brother home.  I'm glad he's back in Texas and in the area again.

The storm hit that same night we came in.  I originally was actually looking forward to the snow and cold weather coming in.  We don't get that kind of weather too often here.  Cold weather in doses...it sort of makes me feel alert...and things seem more quiet.  But...something happened I never considered.  We lost power, and with that went the heat.  After about 8 hours of no power and our thermostat showing 41, I decided to make a drive to my Mom's house in the country, where she had power the whole time.  Something about making that drive felt good.  I felt like I was going against the grain, but it was a calculated risk.  A few friends thought I was crazy for driving with the roads in their conditions.  I knew it was almost all snow on the roads, not much ice.  It was sunny and it wasn't currently snowing.  And I could go slow.  I saw a few cars drive by our road.  And in the end, the payoff was huge.   I got warm.  On the drive, my car was a hell of a lot warmer than my house.  And once I got to my Mom's, as I said -- she never lost power.  On the other hand, my roommates said they didn't have power for 2 days, and then the next day it was only about 2 hours of power the whole day.  It seemed like a situation where, if I let fear rule me, I would have stayed home, stayed off the road, and suffered through 3 days of no heat.  but I decided to give something else a try, and it worked out.  Dare I say, maybe it was a moment of courage for me. 

Other than that, there hasn't been too much going on...

• that week with my Mom, I was bingeing on a TV show, and watching some disc golf.  Being with her fulfilled some social needs.  The TV show was a good form of entertainment to keep me occupied.  Better than video games. 
• I've learned that going back to my Mom's, I tend to get in this "comfortable" state where I just don't really want to push myself.  I get spoiled and can depend on her.  And also, this time around, it was easier b/c the weather wasn't great and most people at my work didn't have power so I felt less pressure to work myself, even though I did.
• So a few days ago, I got back here.  Trying to work on putting some discipline in my life.  A few things specifically:  wake up at 7:30 every weekday, which is 30 minutes earlier than I have been.  Take a shower every morning (got out of that habit once work-from-home started).  It really does help me get on with the day.  Trying lukewarm/cold showers rather than hot ones.  And a friend told me about Wim Hoff, who has some breathing exercises.  Want to try that for a few weeks at least.  Have any of you guys heard of him or tried his stuff? Also curious if anyone has tried cold showers and had any success with them?

Honestly, I haven't really been that pulled to play.  I'm very thankful for that.  I think I'm past the hardest part, but I also recognize it just takes one slip and I can be back in that state of mind again.  I have a friend that I play disc with, he's been talking about retro games a lot, like the original nintendo.  I guess he's been buying and playing some of them.  I'm not so tempted to play them, but watching them on Youtube is somewhat appealing.  That's where things can be a very slippery slope.  Watching one video can suddenly lead to hours more. 

As far as forecasting...I plan on attending another support group tomorrow.  Even though the temperatures are great, looks like a lot of rain towards this weekend and disc golf is probably not a good option.  Would like to work in some more things, like exercise and having a better diet. 

[dwalk77]

Day 46
Sobriety date: 1/25/21

Encroaching on 50 days.   Thankfully, temptation for gaming hasn't been too high.  I still have this sort of obsessive attitude towards other things though, and that's been coming out a lot the last few weeks.  Obsessive and hedonistic.  Feel like my life is lacking some discipline.  For a few weeks I was happy, working on those breathing exercises, waking up earlier, actually doing more work, but that's sort of faded, and now it's back to some bad habits.  Waking up for work at the last minute, lots of porn, overeating.  I've also been slacking off during work, and there's a lot of negative emotions around that.  I feel fear that I'm going to get caught, and also guilt that I should be doing more.  I'm not getting paid to do nothing.

I think things started to come off the rails a bit when a friend mentioned online poker to me.  I decided to give the site a whirl, and that really tapped into my addictive nature.  On the bright side, I made a lot of money.  But also since I started playing it last week, my life has gotten more disorganized and less focused.  Fortunately, they have a self-exclusion option, and earlier this week I requested that my account be locked for 90 days.  That way I won't blow the money I won and it'll give me some time to focus on more important things.

I also bought a car last weekend.  My previous one was on its last legs.  It was not a good car, something was always breaking.  I'm really excited about having my new (used) car.  It brings a sense of independence.  Even though I'm 36, it's actually the first vehicle I've picked out on my own and bought.  I realize "things" are not going to make me happy and that burst of joy when buying something new fades pretty quickly, but...I also feel like this brings me some additional peace b/c I'm not nearly as worried about this new car breaking down on me.

In the upcoming week, my brother is coming in from California, and I'll be staying with my Mom so I can hang out with them.  I won't quite have the space and alone time I've been having, but all in all I'm looking forward to it and I think it'll be a good thing.  I hope it can kind of jump start me, give me a bit more energy and spirit. After next week, I want to get more serious about living a more disciplined life. 

[dwalk77]

Day 63
Sobriety Date:  1/25/21

Wohoo, I'm past 60 days! it feels great, not to be tangled up in the gaming world for a few whole months.  I remember those days, where I was mindlessly going to Twitch all the time, or trying to force myself to play a game I had already put 100s of hours into.  For the most part, I feel free of that, and I'm very grateful for it.  Occasionally, I might feel curious about what's going on with certain streamers or I might hear through an ad or a friend about a new game and be curious about that.  But, so far...I push that away, and realize it's not worth it.  Just a few minutes on Twitch could lead to a few months of checking Twitch.  Cold turkey is the way to go, at least for me.

I have found that I've opened myself up for more time to do other things.  A good example is my brother came to visit for about a week.  He was staying with my Mom.  If I was still into gaming, I could have continued staying at my own place and saw him selectively.  By doing that, I'd keep some time to my self for watching games or playing games.  But since I have given that up, I was open to just staying with my Mom as well, and spent as much time with him as I could. 

I won't say it's been a seamless transition into me being a great person and using all that extra time in great ways.  I've still been struggling with being productive during work hours.  It feels like there's no accountability, particularly since transitioning to working from home.  My current boss is very passive, and he doesn't put much pressure on you to do your work.  It feels weird to me.  In my 10 years with the company, I've never had a job that felt like it had this lack of urgency.  Sometimes I like the ease of it, but others I feel guilty about how little I'm doing, and it feels like I'm not really earning my checks.

I have been obsessing about disc golf.  It's been a great outlet, and also something I can do socially.  The weather has been phenomenal the last month or so.  Sometimes it does cross into obsessing too much though.  I get carried away in looking for discs to buy or thinking about strategy.  Since my brother left, I was hoping to kick back up with a more disciplined lifestyle.  Waking up earlier, continuing breathing exercises, actually exercising and eating less.  Hasn't really happened.  I have gone out for a good amount of disc though, and that does count for something.  I've also been watching a lot of porn.  It really has a hold on me.  It starts with me just giving it up for one day.

I'm still loving my new car.  It felt so good to pay for it outright.  Last week I also bought a new phone too.  I had my last one about 4 years and it's performance was getting pretty bad.  So it feels good to buy a few nice things, I really do appreciate them.  Financially, I'd really like to save up a healthy "emergency fun", as Dave Ramsey calls it, in case I lose my job or something bad comes up.  One of my roommates is driving me nuts though....I really like living in this house as far as all the space I have and how affordable it is, but I've been here for about 4 years, and I just seem to tense up when he's around.  Feel like it's time for a change.  So we'll see.  After I've saved a bit up, I might start looking for housing situations.  I'm kind of reluctant to do it, but I also feel like the only way for me to have peace of mind about my roommate is to leave and get myself some actual distance from him.

That's all I got for now..hope you guys are all doing well, and will post again later!

[dwalk77]

Day 76
Sobriety date: 1/25/21

I do have a major update:  I've decided to move.  I've been living with a few roommates for the last 4 years, but it felt like it was time for a change.  With one of them particularly, he's just felt overwhelming whenever he's around, and he's crossed a few boundaries with me.  I'm going to be moving in with my Mom temporarily, and then my Dad afterwards.   I think things will be much more quiet in both situations.  I feel some shame, being 36 and living with my parents again.  Like I should have friends or my own family at this time in my life.  But I'm also looking forward to recharging and having a bit more space.  I felt like I was forced into my room at my current living situation.  I've already started the process of moving stuff into my Mom's, but I'll officially move out of my current situation in a few weeks.  There's something about having closure here that I like.  I did achieve a few major goals while being here:  got myself out of debt, bought a new (used) car, and went to the dentist for the first time in years.  There's been some other steps along the way, like going to counseling and support groups, going to church, going to the gym, and cooking, but unfortunately these have been very inconsistent. 

I'd like to get back to church and start attending support groups.  I think that should be my foundation, and I don't really have an excuse for not pursuing that.  I guess comfort.  I've lived this life of being comfortable and not getting out much, especially since covid hit last year.  I think it's also important for me to show some more dedication to my work.  My work ethic has been poor for quite a while.  Beyond that, it's still some more of the same:  exercise more, a better diet, stay away from porn, and continue to progress in disc golf.  These are all things I can continue to work on, regardless of where I'm living.

As far as gaming goes...no major temptations.  There's not anything I really want to play anymore, and I'm thankful for that.  I still have more time than I know what to do with, but I also know that filling that time with gaming or watching gaming is a mistake.  I've been down that road before..

[dwalk77]

Day 95
Sobriety date: 1/25/21

Yeah! I made it through the 3-month mark!
Actually, it's Friday night and I don't have a dang thing going on, so I decided to come here and post.  I was feeling a little pulled to game or watch gaming.  Feeling a bit lonely.  But coming here is a good reminder as to where things go if I allow myself to go down that road again.  It's usually not long before I'm falling into some really bad habits - late hours, lack of sleep, junk food, energy drinks.  I don't want to go through that again.

I actually just enjoyed a cigar on my back porch.  It's just nice to unwind and let my mind wander for a bit, not really be attached to anything.  That didn't happen when I was in the throes of either playing games or watching them.  I'm thankful for that, that I was able to enjoy that cigar.  The pulls have definitely subsided, but obviously they are still there, especially in certain scenarios like this, a Friday night with no plans.

I mentioned moving in my last post.  I was really looking forward to a change.  Well, unfortunately, that fell through.  My Dad has some relatives staying with him, and apparently they're staying longer than expected.  I'm going to stick it out in my current living situation for a while longer.  I thought about getting my own apartment, but it just doesn't make sense, especially financially.  I have a roommate coming back in a few weeks that I  was looking forward to getting some space from, but I'm just going to have to put up with him for a while longer. 

I do have a very positive change to report on.  Last week, my brother and I started working out together.  We're meeting at the gym on a biweekly basis and have done 4 workouts so far.  He just moved back to my area a few months ago.  It's such a blessing to have someone close to do this with.  Losing weight has been a top priority goal for me for quite a while.  I have a sedentary job, and the covid stuff has converted me to working from home and made me even less active along my diet even worse.  But now, with us working out together, I actually have some hope I can do this and start heading in the right direction.  I think a lot of self-help books and videos out there today miss a critical point - you need other people to help push you and keep you accountable.  That's what I've learned about myself anyways.  I try to work out on my own, it doesn't work.  But if I've got a schedule set with my brother, I can stick to it.  I also think it's important to realize this is going to take time and I'll have to be patient with it.  I'm not going to see overnight results -- this isn't like those video games where you make progress in just a few hours!

The other thing that's been taking up a lot of my time has been disc golf.  I've really dove into it.  I live in Texas and it gets damn hot here in the summer, so I'm trying to get as many rounds in as I can before July and August hit.  It's been something I've been able to do both on my own and with friends.  A few days ago I set a personal best score at my home course.  It felt amazing.  Again, different than video games.  It took me months of playing before I beat my last score.  It was far from the instant progress of video games, but it felt so, so much more gratifying.  And this is a sport, God willing, I can keep playing for the next 20 or 30 years.  You can't say that about a video game. 

Since my last post, I was pretty busy with packing things up b/c I thought I was moving.  That process was actually therapeutic.  I basically sorted through every thing I own and was able to get rid of a lot of junk and things I don't need.  And now the stuff I do have is neatly organized, and if I do decide to move, I'll be ready.

I still have some other important goals to work towards, namely going to church and support groups.  I have a goal of going to a group on Tuesday.  I think it would be immensely helpful.  I've had a lot of questions lately about where I should be in my life and where I want to go going forward.  I have a few ideas, but I need to start making moves instead of sitting on the fence.  All in all, I feel pretty good about where I'm at now.  Not being attached to gaming is surely a big part of it, and this recent start to exercising with my brother has definitely given me a boost, both mentally and physically. 

That's about all I have now.  Until next time..

[dwalk77]

Well crap.

I regret to say I'm going to have to reset my days.  I gave in, a few weeks ago.  It was a Saturday night, I had no plans, and I wanted something to stimulate my mind.  I could have read or exercised or even reached out to a friend, but instead I went with the easy route - video games.  I browsed free games and found a city builder that looked somewhat appealing.  This has happened many times, but when I originally downloaded and played it for the first hour or 2, it didn't "stick".  I wasn't that impressed and it didn't satisfy or captivate me.  I moved on.  But, the next day rolled around, another day without work or much going on in my life, and I decided to give it another go.  And the second time I got hooked.

The rest is basically history from there.  I spent that entire week engulfed by the game.  Sleep was worse, I skipped a day of work, and I skipped out on a few workouts with my brother.  I didn't actually do work during work hours- instead, I was playing the game during work house (yeah, still have the work-from-home setup, so it's very easy for me to get away with that).  And giving into junk food and caffeine. 

Another consequence was it hit the finances.  This was a "free" game, but you can pay to boost your progress significantly.  I dumped a bunch of hours into it the first 4 or 5 days, and I took pride that I wasn't being a sucker and paying money like other people would.  I even used a spreadsheet to track how much money I saved by grinding out and earning certain rewards rather than paying real money for them.  But then I noticed something weird happening in the game.  The further I progressed, it was like the game stopped rewarding me as much.  Suddenly I felt more pressure to buy things with my own real money..  And I did - I gave in.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I ended up spending 150 bucks on this silly "free" game that's very basic, which is way more than I've spent on many other incredible games.

After about a week and a half, I had enough of it and thought I was ready to move on.  I had a day without it, worked out with my brother.  But then this last Friday came, and I caved into watching some streamers and eventually got a Steam account (I deleted my previous one(s)) and downloaded ANOTHER game.  Long story short, I couldn't really get into this game, and I've just uninstalled it after trying it out for a few hours. 

And that's where I'm at now.  I'm tired of trying to get into gaming again.  It feels exhausting at this point in my life, like I have to try to force myself to get into it, and I just don't feel it's worth it.  I think what I really struggle with is I'm going to have to find something to occupy my time and mind, something to stimulate me.  Disc golf is a good start, but it's been raining a lot in my area, and I can't do that all the time. 

One other thing to note is I am moving next month.  I have previously mentioned how moving in with my Dad fell through, but that's back on again - the relatives he had staying with him have moved out.  And with me being in this sort of "limbo" state -- where I'm not moved in with him yet and I'm just temporarily at my current house -- for some reason, I rationalize that being in it gives me an opportunity to sort of indulge myself.  Food, porn, video games.  Selfish stuff.  Doesn't really make any sense - I could do this at any time, but I guess my mind searches for a reason to get into that stuff, that's bad for me.  Need to find some better things than that and be aware when I'm just trying to rationalize my self into doing something that's really just....bad for me.

[Amphibian220]

Ive skimmed your last posts and detected a recurring pattern: curiosity ruses. You detailed in a number of cases how something invites your interest or you just want to keep up to date with friends or news and that gets you to relapse. Repeat to yourself out loud that you are going to ignore curiosity ruses today. Write down your emotions in the evening and reflect that this is a road to recovery.

In reality there is never spare time in your life. Every moment you are taking care of your needs, be it rest, communicating, work, education, sport etc.

Are you tracking points for following daily plans and discipline? Do it man, its going to be real character progression for you. Don’t just exercise and say that you’ve exercised.

Devise a scoring system that incorporates health, education, business plans, personal finances and make it a point to do a 1 per cent improvement each day. Estimate the percentage that is necessary to pass this year and work out a plan how you can keep scoring the necessary points on a sustained basis. Please describe yourself one year from now, who exactly you will be.

If you are going to be a starting businessman, take some interest what sort of starting businessmen there are who are successful and what are their traits. Constantly ask yourself “Would this person do this kind of thing that i am contemplating?” 

The more you ask that question the more authentic your responses will be! And if you really do want to be that person, you’ll have no trouble dropping what is a deadweight to you.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Amphibian220

[dwalk77]

Thanks for reading some of my posts @Amphibian220, and I appreciate the input!  Definitely something for me to ponder and work on!

[Amphibian220]

You are welcome.

Let me tell you, i stayed some time without media stimulation. At first, my emotions were negative. After all, internet media served the need for distractions very well. But I held on a bit and started noticing the world around me, started talking to people and developing skills and insight and most important of all, started accepting boredom! Its a must to be a healthy and a resilient man. 

There is a story of a desert fortress where the men are expecting enemy attack at any moment. But the enemy upsets their expectations by not attacking.

They then have to endure inhospitable conditions of the desert and boredom (!), but because they have a very well thought out plan, they are able to go on many years without losing form, morale, training etc. ultimately, the enemy force attacks them and they give a good fight because they didn’t give in to wishful thinking. This story has inspired me.

[dwalk77]

I guess it's been over 2 years since my last post on here..

A lot has changed, but some things haven't changed.  Since that time, I quit a job of 12 years.  Without getting into too much detail, it was an office job for a mega corporation, and I simply wasn't happy.  I wasn't being challenged.  It was simultaneously stressful and boring.  I was expected to know things I wasn't trained on, but there was also very little productivity within our group.  Also, with it being work from home full-time, it wasn't a good fit for me.  I'm introverted already, so to have no face-to-face interaction at all made me live an even more secluded life.  It was too easy for me to surf porn or to game while on work hours.

I had long fantasized about quitting and "taking it easy" for a while.  In a sense, I got exactly what I wanted.  I played a lot of disc golf, I dove head first into gaming.  I slept in, I ate what I wanted, and I allowed myself whatever pleasures I could get sexually as well.  But it wasn't fulfilling.  I regret not taking that time to travel more, visit more friends and family, and making more memories.

Things started to catch up financially, and I was forced to consider work again.  I knew I wanted to avoid the corporate world if possible, the office atmosphere, etc.  I tried my hand at day trading the stock market.  It seemed like the dream job, working a few hours a day and making good money.  For me, at least, I couldn't figure it out.  I read books, watched videos, tried different strategies.  It felt like gambling.  Maybe others are just smarter than me, maybe I didn't put the time in I needed.  But in the process, I lost more money and the job situation became more urgent.

I've struggled with the idea of finding a job I'd actually want and enjoy.  I felt like I've never had a clue in my life.  I guess most people aren't in love with their jobs, and that's just the way it is.  I wish it wasn't that way.

Anyways, I eventually turned to what I'm currently doing, which is driving Uber full-time.  It's not my ideal job.  I don't like driving in traffic, I don't like driving through large cities.  But, it allows me an autonomy that wasn't even close with my previous job.  I have no boss.  Also, it feels like more merit to what I do.  At my last job, there could be a full day where I didn't produce much at all, or even if it was "productive" in the eyes of the company, it didn't feel like I was actually helping anyone out.  At least with this, it's clear I'm providing a service.  I'm helping the working class out.  Most of my rides involve taking people to and from work. 

Regarding gaming.  I've been dipping in and out of it.  It does such an excellent job of filling in gaps of time.  I was watching Twitch for a while.  I figured that was a step above gaming itself, b/c it wasn't as enthralling, it was like keeping a safe distance.  But eventually I went for gaming, I guess I wanted more stimulation.  Last week, after months of not gaming, I dove back into Sea of Thieves.  I played it one day, when I had off work.  Then the next day.  Then played the entire week, missing an entire week of where I was planning to work.  Yesterday I decided it would be my last day and then I was going to take a 90-day detox, go from there.  That I needed to do that, otherwise things could go even more downhill.

So here I am -- day 1.  I've decided I'm giving up Twitch as well.  It acts as a gateway to gaming for me, and honestly, it's pretty mindless.  If I'm going to watch entertainment, there's other avenues that are more fulfilling or even edifying.

I hope to check in at least weekly here.  If you've read this far, hope your journey is going well..
Until next time..