I can stop if i wanted to, right?

[Mimetic]

Hello everyone =)

i want to introduce myself.

Its been 4 days now i decided to change my life. I have been into playing games since i was 19. My boyfriend back then introduced me to Unreal and Half Life. And omg i loved them. I still do. I never had a problem with gaming until the year 2012. I played from time to time, sometimes a whole evening but that was that. I only played single player games apart from a bit MW2. In 2012 the bullshit started. I was preparing for my final university law exam. I was scared af of this exam cause it was a hell to learn and i was preparing such a long time for it that i was simply afraid to fail. As a distraction from my fear i started playing an online Multiplayer Shooter again, which i already installed 2011 but never really liked cause i was bad at it. I made my law exam. After it i was kinda burned out and depressed. Instead of getting my shit together i started playing this game even more. I joined a clan and there the trouble began. I spend more time with those people than with my own friends and even my boyfriend. The relationship broke apart and i moved to another city to do the 2nd part of the law education you need to do in my country to become a lawyer. So now i was alone in a city 800 km away from my friends and family. I was heartbroken. And it was just so easy to play this silly game. I had a lot of online friends but only a few in real life, cause i didnt really felt the need to get to know new people. Back then i aleady had days where i played 15 hrs+. Cause of gaming being more important than studying i finshed my 2nd exam with not really a good grade. I could have done so much better. Last year my father died unexpected. The only thing i did was staying at home and play. I didnt cry. I didnt talk to anybody about it. I have never before felt so lonely in my entire life. Still not a reason to change anything right =). So i went on playing. Developed a depression. When i didnt play i thought about suicide. The only comfort i had was sitting in front of this screen, playing the same maps day in day out. Now already 18 hrs. I didnt feel pain. I didnt felt sleepy. So fucked up. 3 months ago i got a job i really like. Again very far from home. So it meant that for an unspecific time i would have to leave my PC where it was and live at the city where the job is until i find an appartment. And what did i do instead of searching a damn appartment? I constantly thought of quitting this damn job to go home to play this fucking silly shitty game!!! 4 days ago i was thinking about this whole shit again and i came to the conclusion that this cant be true. How stupid am I? So i left my clan. I didnt expected it being that hard. I began to read a lot of stuff about gaming addiction. And it brought me here. It feels good to see iam not the only one who struggles with things like this. Due to the job i didnt play for 26 days now. But since i decided to quit entirely i cant think of anything else !! I really hope i get the motivation and strength i need to do this. I so hope this is only a mater of this one game i was binge playing so much and not of all games. But reading stories i think it maybe is not. Thanks for reading.

Edited December 2, 2017 by Mimetic

[Hitaru]

Welcome to the forum @Mimetic!

Don't quit out of regret and self-loathing (I mean those words you're using to describe yourself, like stupid or fucked up), or you will soon find a lot of reasons (spoiler: excuses) to "quit quitting" and go back to compulsive gaming; guaranteed. Because my bet is you're using it to escape from the bad feelings, and those are plenty if you let them in. Games are addictive if played in excess, but the key factor is the reasons why we play (beyond the point of a fun, harmless hobby). The four main reasons are Temporary Escape, Constant Measurable Growth, Challenge and Socializing. This areas are completely natural and legit motivators: you are perfectly capable of quitting one game or a thousand, IF you find another activity(es) to fill the temporal and emotional space games previously had. 

You'll feel this is way too easy to say for a complete stranger, but what is done is done and what happened, happened. It's normal to feel angry, frustrated and lost, and those are feelings we know very well here. Your brain is on a destructive mindset, you have that kind of inertia. Why not focus in what you do have instead? You're a law graduate. You have the ability to work, to develop yourself personally, socially, emotionally; to start building the life you want even if now it feels like a pain in the ass.

For anything you need, know that we support you and have your back! 

[Mimetic]

Thank you very much @Hitaru! Well...i do  feel very fucked up, i cant help it ofc you are right. The past is the past and what counts is how we create our future. I dont know what was there first, my depressive thoughts or the exessive gaming. Sometimes i feel like i want to be lost, like there is something dark that never goes away. So yes, i used gaming pretty much to escape bad feelings, to numb them. Like what people do when they using drugs. It fits that i didnt feel any pain in my head or hands ect when i was gaming like 12 hrs straight. Idk, i have thought so much about all this in the past days. Its like ive been woken up from a bad but very deep dream and cant believe what ive done to myself, how the world around me looks. I have read some very motivational journals here and i already felt better and like i can also make it. I think it helps seeing one is not alone, esp i dont have any real life friends who could understand how difficult this situation really is, since gaming is something childish and a hobby for them but nothing, you can get addicted to.

[Cam Adair]

Welcome! 

[Hitaru]

6 hours ago, Mimetic said:

Thank you very much @Hitaru! Well...i do  feel very fucked up, i cant help it ofc you are right. The past is the past and what counts is how we create our future. I dont know what was there first, my depressive thoughts or the exessive gaming. Sometimes i feel like i want to be lost, like there is something dark that never goes away. So yes, i used gaming pretty much to escape bad feelings, to numb them. Like what people do when they using drugs. It fits that i didnt feel any pain in my head or hands ect when i was gaming like 12 hrs straight. Idk, i have thought so much about all this in the past days. Its like ive been woken up from a bad but very deep dream and cant believe what ive done to myself, how the world around me looks. I have read some very motivational journals here and i already felt better and like i can also make it. I think it helps seeing one is not alone, esp i dont have any real life friends who could understand how difficult this situation really is, since gaming is something childish and a hobby for them but nothing, you can get addicted to.

I know that feeling. Being lost feels like shit but it's convenient in it's own way. Nowadays I wake up and every morning is an existential question: "What am I supposed to do today? Is it the right thing?" or whatever, not necessarily those two (but they happen). Two years ago it would've been; "Oh right, feeling like crap, the usual" and bam, day 'solved'. It was easy. Easy doesn't equal good. 

I wasn't sure about my depression and gaming either, so I got rid of the simpler thing to quit of the two, gaming. And for some time, the depression remained, so there was my answer. If you're numb, coming back to your senses hurts, maybe a lot. Is it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Every second. 

Yes, it's very common to feel fucked up, you won't find judgements here, and sadly yes, there's still a lot of ignorance about the real issue of video game addiction. To erase the second is the reason of our existence, and the first shall pass when you start walking in the opposite direction, with time and kindness (cheesy as it sounds). I think you should try it with all you've got... after all, the alternative is an indefinite amount of time of the same as you're now. But getting worse. Part of the delusion is perceiving the time as stopped. It's not. 

We suggest and advise everyone to open their own journal, specially if they have a specific battery of feelings they may want to sort out definitely. The amount of detsils given is up to you always but... it helps, really. 

[Mimetic]

@choijiah yes iam female, but i dont think that female gamers are more in danger when it comes to addiction. Regarding this i think its independent from age or gender. For example i think theres kind of an age gap here between me and the majority. Iam in my mid 30´s, i have a finished education and always have been a person that handeled her life quiet well apart from depressive episodes. But i think every person has something, thats fatal for them when it comes to addiction. Mine was a stupid game. Would never have thought about that years ago, when a friend of mine was totally lost in WoW. I had no understanding for the deeper reasons and how games may hook on your brain. I think its dangerous to play in the early stage of detox. You say yourself it felt good Not that iam not reaaaaaallyyyy tempted. I talked to my former clan mates in the last 2 days and iam so sad when i do, it feels like i have left kind of a family. But then i think damn, there was a reason i wanted to quit that. I would go by the advise from Cam stopping about 90 days and then see, if you can do moderate gaming. You can add me if you wish, but iam not sure that i can do anything supportive at the moment moany as iam lol

 

@Hitaru " after all, the alternative is an indefinite amount of time of the same as you're now. But getting worse. Part of the delusion is perceiving the time as stopped. It's not. " Yes, this is sooo very true. nothing did get better. I try to remind myself every day of this. I could have a family right now, instead iam alone and wasted so important years.

 

 

[dwalk77]

Welcome Mimetic, thanks for sharing.  Sounds like you've made some good decisions lately.  Don't be too hard on yourself about wanting to game, I totally understand the cravings you're talking about, and it's not uncommon.