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thehondasc00py's 90-Day Videogame Detox


thehondasc00py
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Thanks Mad Pharmacist I will check it out if I run into further trouble

Media Day 21

Detox going niiiiiiicely. No desire to watch anything except my cherished nature documentaries. Watched Blue Planet II over the last week. Absolutely phenomenal. Some of the best television I ever watched. Mindblow after mindblow. The beauty of creation near brought me to tears at some points. So much devotion to life.

A lot of cool stuff has happened. I lost my virginity in a brothel, got taught a bunch about sex. Now have doubts vanquished, experience, and resolve to ignite my sexual life. Very motivated. Free of fear! Not free FROM fear, but free DESPITE fear. I finally realised it. I've gotten it. Freedom was never about vanquishing emotions out of your life. No, fear and anger are part of it. Freedom was simply about acting DESPITE the emotion. Freedom from suffering under the emotion. It's not fear when you stop resisting it, fighting it, judging it. Drop the label "fear" and all its connected meanings and charges, and it stops being fear. It's just energy. Same for anger. Freedom is available right here and now.

I've delved into the dating game. Had my first date on friday, I enjoyed it. Moving frame from "will she like me?" to "will I like her?" and "will I enjoy MYSELF?". Just want to push myself a bit on the physicality part which still does not yet come naturally or easily. Could not pull her to my place because I live so far away, damnit. But it doesn't matter. Second date tomorrow. Set up tinder today. Meeting more girls tomorrow. Carneval in Cologne this week. Many opportunities.

Just got off the guitar. I can play the song "Inside of Love - Nada Surf" almost perfectly now. I love that song. I sing along too. It's a fantastic outlet for expression. I feel great after it. I feel great all in all. Very joyous and humurous and light-hearted.

It snowed today. Cold af but very pretty. Shot some pics with a friend for tinder. Busy week, had and have a lot of appointments. Cryptos in the gutter, lost a spectacular amount of money but I don't mind anymore. I made other plans, travelling no longer a necessity. Happens if it happens. Job interview next week for the WWF. It's about being a Promoter on the street. Sounded perfect for me, I already have a bunch of experience approaching strangers - I enjoy it. I look forward to getting to know people there, maybe even travel from city to city. It sounds awesome. I saw the advert while scrolling Facebook while watching Blue Planet II, a show that makes quite clear the environmental damage of humans and the danger the oceans are in. So, it felt perfect, like a sign. I just had to sign up. Hope I get the job, very very positive I will.

Got a new little house plant. It's some kind of fern I think. It looks fantastic and relaxes me just looking at it. My diet is great, I love it. My health, I have no doubt, is rock solid. I have loads of energy. I'm meditating less but it's ok because I don't feel as much need to, it's like my whole life is a kind of meditation, sometimes I;m present, sometimes absent, but always life is flowing without resistance. It just happens.

Sometimes I wish I still had a piano though, I would love to play again. It's funny, technically I can play 3 (conventional) instruments - guitar, piano, flute. But only one song per instrument! Although I can pretty much play anything really. Went to this music jamming meetup which was very cool. Just full expression, no inhibitions, it was very nice. Meetups.com is fantastic, it's hooked me up big time to cool stuff.

Oh, just thought of another thing. On behest of my parents, I visited this advanced, high tech creative university called SAE Institue on their Open Day. Very cool facility, very cool programs, like Game Art or Music Production, all stuff I would be good at, with very nice equipment and a huuuge practical focus. Sounds great on paper, eh? BUT..it's pricey, AND...it didn't give me a great feeling, envisioning myself here. It seemed..pretentious. All this high end production, making a sound juuuuust right, this editing right here juuuuust right. A lot of time and money for something empty. More movies and more games for the priviledged society. So much money for my education as some high end, snobbish producer or something. I mean, does the world really need more perfect music and pretty games? I would rather go out and immerse myself in life and help others do the some. Do my part for the environment, or the impoverished, or whatever. Use what I have for that end, for something good, you know. It felt wrong. I'm gonna have to consider because dream job would be something like camera team on environmental awareness documentaries or something, and say, a degree in filmmaking would be useful for that. I don't want to work a basic 2k/month job at the WWF forever obviously. Whatever I'll see where it takes me. Cool stuff.

Also, while there I tried out Virtual Reality hahaha. So technically I broke the game-free life? ;) Lol nah it was really cool though. Some sick game blasting robots coming at you from all directions. Hyper-real. I was so immersed in it it was crazy, it was like I could live out all my violent fantasies, I was doing crazy moves like grabbing a robot, using it as a shield against other robots, then shooting it in the head with the other hand like wtf, it was so cool but a little disquieting at the same time ;) 

Ahhh VR, is humanity gonna be fucked when it hits in full force? Maybe. I came back though thinking "damn, now I really want to play Skyrim VR ;) That shit would be CRISP.

Oh man, coming out of that game was bizarre. Abruptly you're back in the 'mundane' reality, no robots, no guns, just your usual self and life again. Very interesting experience. I just wandered about in a kind of trance for like 10mins before fully coming back to my senses. Also while in the game I flung my right hand so hard at one point that the controller flew out of my hand and hit a girl standing nearby. Bit of an embarassment, that. Ah well.

I just want to take a moment to praise VULNERABILITY and AUTHENTICITY. Good shit, good shit. This post is all over the place wihtout my usual clean writing style or any tryhardy nonsense, it's just raw authenticity and uncontracted expression and that's what I want my life to look likfe 24/7. That's what it's all about mayn. Not being here to be anyone but yourself. But before that, you need to fucking let go. Uncontract. Surrender.

Maybe I'm talking priviledged nonsense. Maybe my life is just easy. I want to get out there and face some real hardships to put all this talk to the test, for sure. I'm inspired by Cam's trips to Tanzania. I want to get out there and get nitty gritty. I want to start working for something greater than myself. WWF is a start, that's why I'm very excited for this and what it could offer.

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Dudeeee, I feel so happy for you right now! And you know what is weird, the realisations that you are coming to about fear and vulnerability, I feel like right now, I'm having the exact same realisations!

You'll have to tell me how you're getting all these dates dude :D

Would love to get on a call with you at some point!

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@Brad_Hurst it was only my second date, same girl,and spoiler alert: it was a disaster

;)

Getting dates is actually super easy. Go out and cold approach. Street or bars. Vibe and tell her to give her number at a high point (important). Light-hearted assertiveness, and "we" frame. Dont ask, just whip out your phone ""yo you're cool give me your number let's hang out" or whatever. Text then and there so she has u, and make preliminary plans then and there too. Are you free this week? Cool, let's grab coffee. Thursday? Fantastic, I'll text you.

Text her, keep vibing, insider jokes are great, set up a time and place. Tea at Starbucks is fine (+bounce to a shop or bar). And you're done.

 

Now I just need to figure out my foolproof method of making my intentions crystal clear from the getgo+escalation 

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Media 26

It's going really well. No desire to watch any movies, shows or anything other than my cherished documentaries.

Super fun night out yesterday in Cologne's Carneval. Just having a load of fun and messing about just on the street. At one point my wing and I approach 2 super attractive chicks in Pizza Hut and have a great time. I made out with both. The first "lost a bet" when she didn't believe my age and I whipped out my ID to prove her wrong. After we were done her friend came over and asked what the bet was. So I just repeated exactly the same thing with her. It was hilarious. And soooberrrr. Love it when I run into fun, sexually open girls like that. Practiced a LOT of physicality that night, finally, but I find it very hard to iniate anything if the girls are shy and keep to themselves. Also my sticking point is really non-verbal physicality like in a loud nightclub. My verbal is fantastic, when I'm in the zone I'm funny af and i now more experienced with getting myself in the zone, but I find it very hard to do much in a club, funnily. Also realised it's crucial for me to have music I enjoy. If it's some shitty pop or German drinking songs it's a fucking buzzkill and a snore, in a trap club tho boom, it's a lot of fun->better approaches. Except that one had no women :(

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Ayy, nice going man!

I'm curious, what do you do to get yourself into that 'zone'? I've found that if I just start chatting random shit to myself when I'm in the car or home alone, I can get into a really hyped state lol. Not got much experience at all really with getting in the zone in social scenes other than nightclubs, where dancing gets me hyped as fuck.

I feel like we have completely opposite strengths and weaknesses haha, you seem to be awesome at verbal game where as I find it quite difficult. But physical escalation in clubs seems to come quite naturally to me.

It would be so cool if we could meet up at some point in the future and go out together! :D

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Media 27

@Brad_Hurst Oh nothing fancy. Approach and self-amuse, aint no shortcuts. I've had a tough time in clubs recently because they've all been playing traditional festive german drinking songs during Carneval time so enjoyable dancing is a no-go for me there. Yeah we're opposites. Yeah we should go out so we have both sides covered ;)

Quick field report from this night:

So it's like the 3rd or 4th time going out this week as there have been many opportunities over Carneval. Although tonight was what I would call a fruitless and a little disappointing night (because I know I could do so much more with a little more discipline and balls) I've definitely felt my game improve a LOT in the week. I pretty much start in the zone after already one set and self-amuse a lot. Out of the 3 of us I approach the most, although it felt like half the sets were pretty much unreactive and sucky. The other ones I sabotage and eject to escape the stress of escalation lmao.

Still, it seems I have acquired a new baseline of physicality. A lot of touches, assertive hand pulls, and cheek kissing, now feeling pretty natural and fun too. Noticed one thing: if there was a girl I really wanted to approach, but she was surrounded by guys, I wouldn't do it. Excuses like "oh one of them is probably her bf" "would be too much stress" etc. The other thing was that I was probably a little uncalibrated but I see that as a good thing for now because I was doing new stuff. Pulling girls in as they walked by etc. My biggest disappointment was a girl I pulled in as she walked by, vibed with and escalated on fast, but then got stressed, into my head and ejected. I saw her again many times that night, vibed a bit more but never did anything although I KNOW I could have. I get the feeling everything I did that night was superficial tidbits here and there, sprinkled around the club, approached a ton of girls but never invested into anything. Open, eject, open, give up. I want to work on developing that killer instinct to always be closing no matter what. If it's just "ya go around and socialize, whatever", it aint enough. Still though, practiced more physicality which is fine. Approached a lot and never stayed stifled for long which is good too, I did quite a good job of pulling myself out of stifleness when I fell into it. Had 2 vodka shots too. Fuck it, ima start drinking a little to get a buzz. it's just impossible staying in the zone with that bullshit music otherwise. Next time I'm gonna bring a measured out little flask of vodka and smuggle it into the club and drink it for a buzz. Strategy, yo.

Self-amused a lot, did new things, like borrowing a friend's scarf and going around reeling in girls with it. Gave myself permission and saw that there were no repercussions. Either positive reactions or neutral dismissals but nothing bad can happen. By the end though energy had flatlined, I was alone and just standing around being a good-looking loser so I cut my losses and bounced. 

Intention for next time: stay in set, don't eject, keep stacking up physicality until I get a definitive NO, but STOP REJECTING MYSELF, let the girl do that xD Dancing with a girl is awkward for me but that's why I need to practice it. Sacrificial lambs :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Writing from Cape Town. So, I completed my 30 Day Media detox a week or so ago. I celebrated by watching a bunch of movies ofc :D. It was cool. Quite a feat in today's media society I think. I'm proud. 

Went to Cape Town. Last few days have been a little weird and stressful. Bouts of insecurity about a few things. Much better today. I'm social and uninhibited af. But it was weird because I kept swinging from self-conscious and insecure to uninhibited, in state alpha. I think I've stabilized now. Went out with my 2nd cousin here on Monday and apparantly what I do in the club (chatting up all the hottest girls) looks like a superpower to him. Too bad I don't do anything with it, just make everyone like me, pocket the validation and bounce before risking my image. Lawl. Ima start putting my ass on the line now. Polarize and risk it. Lead more. Tonight we're going out again, to this university club party and then town. Showtime.

One thing that was giving me anxiety the past days was my dilemma in choosing between attending the 10-day meditation retreat I had signed up for outside of Cape Town, or staying in Cape Town, taking it easy, enjoying the beautiful city and doing Game. I ended up picking the latter. It was a tough decision. Retreat means working towards enlightenment, which is kinda a "higher order" than being good with girls, but argh. I can meditate my ass off when I'm back in Germany. I love it here, I want to make use of it. And last time I did a retreat, I was pretty introverted and in my head when I got back out, which would mess with my Game. I would rather just go all out on Game now without that awkward potential setback inbetween. But I said I would atleast meditate about 2 hours a day while here for some progress in that area too, and then go out to Game.

Lol yesterday I found a keto/banting ice cream parlor, had some, sat down and chatted with 2 models. Literally, two smoking models from SA and New York, respectively. It was purely platonic tho lol. But it's weird, one day I can feel super insecure, then the next moment just launch myself into set, a button switches on and the Game just games itself. It's cool. But somehow all this validation seems dangerous. I do not want to get complacent in my little comfort zone of fun conversation and free socialisation. "I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to fk." is the mindset worth inceptionalising. And radical acceptance of impermanence and ever-shifting experience and emotions like some river, that's half the fun.

I've been pretty sick too but it's retreating, should be gone by tomorrow. Basically I almost died on the airplane. My ears had been all blocked since last thursday, up on the plane they suddenly started really hurting and acting up. Thought shit. Started watching the movie 127 Hours. Damn. I've become pretty fucking acceptant of Death itself, but the thought of ending up like that, alone, messed up, trapped, insane, starving to death, that notion scared me. Anyway so I get to the scene where he starts cutting off his own arm with a blunt utility knife in gory detail, and my body goes MAD. Some kind of violent reaction occurs from that and me being sick, and stressed out. I get these fluctuating hot-cold vibrations all over my body and I'm certain I will vomit. I'm in the middle of the row between 2 other passengers. Lol. I lie back and let the suffering and fear wash over me. I don't vomit but I consider dying. It was bizarre, Eventually it passes and I'm left with an absolutely euphoric body high. WTF?

I've been thinking of watching a movie but meditating would be more useful. Have not watched a movie yet. Might implement a light little media detox or whatever to keep me on track. Sometimes I start wtahcing a movie and then I'm like nahhh, theres nothing I really feel like watching.

I'm staying at my 2nd cousin atm but I want to bounce and find a new CouchSurfing host closer to the city come Sunday-Tuesday, then hit up the neighboring student town Stellenbosch on Wednesday and continue the party over there with my 1st cousin and second 2nd cousin. Ayy I'm connected. Fuck, the student life here is incredible. The UNIVERSITY is incredible. On a mountain, covered in ancient vines, a long bustling street full of students (and hot hot girls). The campus is amazing. And then, universities here have a whole HOST of cool things, like clubs, societies, organised sports, residences, parties. Germany has NONE of that. It's just go there, visit lectures, go home. Such a bore. Been missing out. Super cool.

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Another field report.

22.02 My best night yet, and yet also the most disappointing.

Wow. Started off at a University Club part. I approached everything. Boom boom, no rests, just launched into every set. Had tons of fun. Drank a bit too. Eventually we bounced at midnight and headed to a club. Started in the club a little out of state and stifled. But I'm used to this by now and knew I just had to approach a couple and I would be back in business. I do, nothing sticks. Get blown out, nothing works, nothing smooth. Ok, ok, no biggie, just an unfortunate streak, keep going at it. See a girl alone on a bench in the top area. Cool, straight in. Here starts the longest, coolest, most fun, most successful set of my life. Just proves: NEVER stop approaching. You never know, that next random woman could be the perfect match and just WORK. You never know.

Anyway, I am on fire. No, actually there's no more me. Flow state, it happens on it's own. My verbal is absolutely godlike. The perfect thing to say just comes ad infinitum. The convo is so much fun. Escalate in a fun way while knowing I don't "have" to do anything other than what I just feel like doing. Girl is into me as hell, every word I utter cracks her up. We eventually bounce, head down. My mates meet me there, say we are leaving. I kiss my girl goodbye but afterwards convince them to stay. Approach some more, get on the dancefloor, self-amuse, go back. See my girl, tease her, bring her away, we escalate. Dance together and make out. Keep vibing between makeouts, smooth as a motherfucker.

I realise now, even though I have very little experience, shit, I was smooth. The way I danced with her. The way I pulled her in to make out. The way I stopped making out early and had her chase. All that stuff, everything, was ON POINT. Now, here's the cracker. She starts talking logistics. Where do I live, where does she live. Yup, she wants to go home with me. What do I do? Well, I could just go with her. Could have been easy. So easy. Any more experienced guy than me would have done it blindfolded at that point. But I chickened out, like a pussy. Pussied out, ya. See, I liked her too much and was not willing to "risk" fucking up, "risk" bad sex, "risk" failure, awkwardness or disappointment. Lawl. Same old story. Hah, what a laugh. Oh, it doesn't even end here. My friends come and say they're really leaving now but urge me to stay and pull her. I have no more internet on my phone to call an Uber and get home alone. It's true, but it's still just a fucking excuse. I go out to leave with them. Again, they urge me to go back in and pull. Good peeps. I admit to them I'm scared of one-night stands, but eventually relent, say bye, and head back to the club while they catch the Uber.

Unfortunately, my girl is with her male friend waiting for their Uber infront of the club. I awkwardly reapproach and say I'm still waiting for MY uber. We vibe, their Uber comes, they get in, and drive off, I'm left on the street alone, disappointed and relieved. Lol, it gets worse, now the club isnt letting anyone in anymore even though I have the brand. I approach some more on the street but I'm tired af. Some guy thinks I'm gay and squeezes my butt a few time. I call him out and shit gets awkward fast. I stroll the streets, hit up a second club. Inside, too tired and stifled to approach. Fuck. Get back out, approach on the street, walk with a group to McDonalds, chat with them. They leave. Left in McD with no internet or way to get home. Forced to approach some guys and ask if they can open a WiFi hotspot. They are very friendly and do. Get an Uber home, but we need to stop on the way so I can get cash, because yeah, had no cash on me either. Eventually get back home and now I have to climb over the dangerous, anti-invader spiked wall without cutting open my arms, and then throw stones at my (drunk and passed out) mate's window until he wakes up with a scare and grumpily opens up for me. Probably mroe pissed and disappinted at my lack of pull than I am.

So yah. What a fantastic night, what a shitty night. I love myself and I hate myself, at the same fucking time. Why is this shit so hard. Why do I still care so much. Why can't I just do it. What;s the big deal. What IS the big deal?? Why can't I just assume I'll "succeed" or at the very least give myself and the girl a pretty good time? (Until then I had been giving her a fucking awesome time. Seriously, I'm awesome).

Well, I did something, I learnt, I practiced, and I pushed this shit a little further than I ever have. This shit starts with a slow crawl but gets exponential, after all. I mean, in the last like 2 weeks I've had more makeouts than in the whole past like two years or so, and it will only get better and more natural from here. Now just to break through the resistance and pain of pulling, Sacrifice, yah.

What I did very well:

  • fun, self-amused, approached hella alot
  • integrated physicality, intent and sexuality
  • escalated and went for makeout without any fuss or care, was very fun

What I did not do well:

  • took no action or initiative to pull. too scared to risk or fuck it up. fallacious, because I will never "not" fuck it up until I practice that shi

What I will do next time

  • shit. I don't know, maybe try a faster makeout. insta-makeout on the dancefloor or something
  • p-p-p-p-pull. urgh, scares me. dont know if i can hold up on this. FUCK.
  • pull. atleast some more initiative than today. TRY and go with her, or invite her back. TRY to make something happen. Trial and error bru, just TRY something for fucks sake.

Ayy bru that's all. Btw PSA I think I might be the greatest conversationalist to have ever lived and I'm super duper fucking funny and cool but damn

I need to grow some balls

Lol

 

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Dude, I thoroughly enjoyed reading that. Although very frustrating! You're killing it on the verbal front, I don't know how you do it! It's very inspiring.

What is it you're scared of when it comes to pulling the girl home? Is it that you fear you won't know what the fuck to do? Because that's what runs through my head sometimes... Or... For me, I feel like the attraction will fizzle out in the taxi lol.

From the few experiences I have had, i'd just say you wanna take it slow when you pull back to your place. Take your time and she'll enjoy it regardless of how well you do when you stick it in. Even though I never stuck mine in! xD 

That uni life sounds sick though, that's what I feel like I'm missing out on!

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I pulled. Or more accurately, I got pulled. Cool, confident, independant woman. I felt like an inexperienced little boy with her lol, didn't help that she was 10cm taller. Night was super fun, we owned the dancefloor. Sex was like 10seconds because only semi-hard, it wasn't working. Fucking annoying man. Tried again in the morning but still nah. But hey, reference experience. I knew I would be meeting this girl that night with the option of going back to her place, and I went through with it, even felt completely at ease and outcome independant while doing it. Didn't give a fuck, whatever happens happens. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. 

  • No need to be free of emotions when you can just as easily be free despite emotions NOW
  • I'm never completely ready for something, but I just do it anyway

Perhaps I was fortunate to bump into such a nice and understanding girl to chill with, or maybe all girls are actually like that behind the masks. I felt really good for going through with it and giving myself that experience and huge step forward, but also kinda disappointed and failurey. It's quite demotivating. I have no motivation to pull and make sex happen if it's just gonna end in frustration and awkwardness anyway. I feel like just sticking to having fun and going for makeouts now, taking it chill. I mean I had no anxiety and felt pretty relaxed and sober, but my body just refuses to play along which makes me a little angry too. Ofc she was also surprised at my lack of exp despite my extreme confidence and game in the venues, which amuses me as well.

But now, got more experience than I had yesterday, yay. I'm grateful for that night, and here's to many more to come. Also aiming to go on a date or three still this week, I'm getting all these numbers afterall. And I guess I can feel my reality shifting too, as being intimate and physical and sexual with girls is now much more within my reality and identity, and I think self-sabotage is definitely on the retreat. Noticed a bunch of other silly thoughts related to social survival today, on what the relationship is between my and my housemates here, if they dislike me for some reason, etc. I think back to my Radical Honesty workshop and see how amazing the world would be if everyone just spoke their fucking mind and there wasn't this huge waste of energy on mind games, intrigues, assumptions and underlying hostilities between humans. I need to work on my Radical Honesty too because I've been wondering what certain people think about me but have not had the motivation to actually ask them a la Radical Honesty fashion. I keep noticing thoughts on if I'm being weird, creepy, annoying or something even though really I know I'm fucking awesome but to what extent can people see that? Social survival games and validation dependancy is such a yucky taste.

Whatever, great day for me. I did something I feared doing with little fuss (and it ended up being easy), got in a huge amount of practice and experience, and fun. I wasn't ready but did it anyway and saw I didn't need to be ready, cause shit just happens. I took action despite my emotions. And here I am, alive and well, the biggest fuss I have being some silly social intrigues and wonderings that are all inherently meaningless, empty and irrelevant. Cool!

 

Edited by thehondasc00py
typo
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Yesterday was awful. Like, laughably bad. One of those days where you get up on a bad foot, your mind just blelehhhehshhs, and you spend the rest of the day watching shit on your laptop and falling into an ever deeper pit you can't crawl out of. Laughably bad. Enough bumming out now. I'm gonna leave for the next town on my trip today, Stellenbosch, and stay at my second 2nd cousin. And the nightlife there is supposed to be even better than here in Cape Town. Proper Commonwealth Student town. So I'm gonna start crushing it hard again there, I've had my break. Let's keep it going, going. Today, I want to get more meditation in. Like, actually start doing it routinely again instead of just letting myself go. Work up just a little discipline again to take some time to just sit in stillness. Also friendly reminder to myself that I pulledddddd bruh something I would never have imagined a year ago. I've become a lot better at just DOING THINGS even if I don't feel ready. I take action, I don't give a fuck, I'm independant of outcome, atleast for the most part. My growth has been incredible. My social ability has become incredible. Even when I feel insecure or down or in my head, I'll just accept it and enjoy it as yet another flavour of life, and remain awesome. yahahah

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Also, on Sunday I had the option of going to a really high class venue after wine tasting. I was not allowed in because I was not 23, but I could have easily hopped over the barrier behind a stall. I didn't and instead hopped into my cousins car and we drove home. I regretted it soooo bad. There was a chance to game with super beautiful girls, and see what it's like to be in a posh venue (not that I'm into that or some kind of materialist, but I was thinking if I can game there, I can surely game some trashy club lol). So fuck. Lesson: ALWAYS GO ALL OUT. GO all fucking out, no half measures, no half things, no on the fence bullshit, just DO it, don't rationalise what's best, if there's ANYTHING that can improve my game, GO FOR IT no questions asked. Ya I could have gotten thrown out by bouncers, so what. JUST DO IT lol. Guess I was also held back that the competition was a mass of high status rich alphas or something (my judgement) and that I was a bit out of my league hahahaha. And then yesterday, I could have gone to Uni and daygamed like I did last week where I had some amazing sets and numberclosed 3 beautiful girls, but I didn't. Too lazy, too comfortable. Fuck that. Missed 2 great opportunities the last days. I'm not here to enjoy and bum out, I'm here to crush it, get some serious growth, go all out. So that's what I shall do, even when it's uncomfortable.

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Last night was quite wild. I think I overdid it. Overdid it on the booze, for sure. That..was officially drunk. Fortunately I realized what was happening and cut the tap before things got out of hand. But I want to reach the same Game with a lot less alcohol. It was useful to show me what's possible though, what true uninhibition looks like.

When I arrived at this place last night, everyone was already predrinking and I had a very warm welcome and fitted right in, easily. That's what I do. Now, day after, everyone hung over and sober and it's a bit awkward. Can't remain friends or even rmember names of 20 people. So I've just been chilling on my own. Tomorrow I'll probably go to the Uni to daygame though. But today, recovery and maybe going out later.

One thing that happened yesterday wass that the bouncer gave me a warning because two girls complained I had been hitting on them which fucking sucked. I didn't do anything out of line, just self amused and uninhibited af. I wasn't sure who exactly the girls were which led me to kind of avoiding a bunch of girls the rest of the night who I thought might have been the unamused complainers. Whatever, I only got shoved in my head for like 1min then went back to partying and forgot about it. The rejections didn't stop however, they were everywhere. Why? I was finally being POLARIZING. Polarizing, and a "sexual threat" instead of just some funny platonic nice guy. The result was that I had an extremely fun night out and made out with 3 girls too because I didn't give a fuck and did whatever I wanted. I realised how easy it is to just make out with a girl during nightgame, in the club anything goes (within reason)+good looks and alcohol give you "permission". Had one pretty much instant makeout of just *approach* "I LOVE YOU, YOURE THE ONE, LETS GET MARRIED TOMORROW" *kiss* lol it was hilarious. To be fair all the girls I made out with eventually buggered off because it was too fast and silly and lacking connection, but I wasn't interested in pulling anyway. I'm staying with my cousin and her friends, and I think I need to play it chill and not go all out creepy player mode. Allthough for whatever reason she seems to know some of the lingo and was like "I saw you go for the pull!" the next day haha. But yah the bouncer warning thing I think was a bit too far, I mean it's just the word of 2 boring girls but I don't want that kind of rep, not when I'm staying on the hospitality of a cousin. Also I was probably too drunk (although so was everyone else).

The student life here seems amazing and everything I missed, everyone is just so confident and social here and it's no wonder considering the surroundings and life. I probably would have never needed game and self-development to fix insecurities and become confident and social if I had simply grown up in an environment like this instead of dull, isolated Germany. 

However, something feels seriously off. It's too easy, and it's too indulgent. It's too fucking priviledged. It's a bunch of white kids enjoying the good life and full-blown hedonism. Does not align with my true value system. Sure, I want to have fun and enjoy myself, and I use nightlife and partying to grow, but..this is too much. I saw today that they have an old black maid clean up their house and all the dirty dishes and mess, and while there's nothing wrong inherently with having a maid, the whole principle - white kid, easy life, have parents finance 3 years of university to sloooowly learn some watered down bs and go partying every other night in a beautiful, beautiful town, it's just so easy and priviledged and I'm judging it but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know if I would want to do this. This is THE IDEAL place to develop Game which is a meaningful hobby and skill for me, but deep down it would feel wrong being here while other people who got dealt shit cards in life are suffering.

Studying just seems so indulgent and unnecessary to me now. I would rather feel like just going straight to working. Doing SOMETHING, and being financially independant so I can pursure my own things. Then again, I would just be working a random job not really helping anyone. Alternatively, I could work at a super meaningful career and life purpose, build a business or something that makes an impact on the world, but that requires networking, a super high level of investment, and god knows what else. I really don't know what to do. And I don't need any generic one liners like "do what you enjoy". I'm going to have to do some active thinking on this. Do I want stability, chillness, just-live-life, or do I want striving, excellence, hard work and possible failure? I know most people here or in self development wuld obviously pick the latter, but the thing is that I already feel so happy and fulfilled, I just want to live out my life and pursue my hobbies and passions which I don't mind doing on the side. I don't think I have the drive and commitment to see out a life purpose or building a business or something, because I just don't feel the need. I'm already fulfilled.

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Dudeeee, it continues to amaze me about how much I can relate to you.

Your drunk night outs sound just like mine! Although admittedly I probably don't do as many approach as you. But still, like you say it's cool to see what true inhibition is like. It is a heck of a lot more fun and we can only strive to reach those levels sober! :)

And regarding the work stuff, because this has been a massive issue for me... LIKE HUGE. I think it all comes down to what YOU VALUE. What is most important to you? And live your life in accordance to that. When you live in line with your values that is when you will be most happiest.

I don't know if you received @Cam Adair's email earlier? It has a document on there to help you find out your top values and what they mean to you. This may help you with your active thinking.

Personally I really value freedom so it's NO WONDER I get so down about my 9-5 job. Which is also why I get happy when I'm working towards breaking out of it! :P

Anyways, I hope this helps in some way bro! I really enjoy hearing about your epic journey dude, I'm backing you all the way.

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Pulled again but old Seargent Half-mast didn't want to play along. I'm impressed by myself just how easily I pulled, that shit was smooth as butter and I was pretty sober. 0 anxiety or nervousness, I lead hard, self amused, did cool things. Met her and her friends at a bbar.Took them to the club I've  been at lately AND my 2nd cousin was DJing in there so I said Hi to him aswell. Made out (which is turning  out to be increasingly easy and no big deal), bounced around the club, bounced out, bounced to KFC, but that's junk food and we don't eat that shit, called an Uber and bounced home. Textbook. A lot of physicality experience under my belt now. I make money moves boooiis. Also I did some daygame yesterday too and although I was pretty stifled (same old) I eventually approached this girl who turned out to be very smart and relatable. She was studying Geographic Information Systems (fancy name for maps) and training to be a PILOT at the same time, a dream she had since she was a little girl, and she spoke about being a disaster relief pilot some day which I found very cool. Very impressed, and we talked about life purpose, career and how to do good in the world without slipping into indulgent voyeurism, something that's been on my mind for weeks now. All actions are inherently selfish at their core which is a real conundrum when you say you want to help the world but yah. I don't know.

Now thinking I might actually study BUSINESS. Not my greatest interest/passion, but it's just so versatile and I could probably do interesting stuff with it. I mean, cool organisations or interesting startups need business guys and it might suit my multi-talentness. I feel Im good at so many things it would be wasted if I only focussed on one thing like art, plus I still have the nagging sense of indulgence/pretentiousness when I think of Design lol. Maybe Business it is, my parents should be happy to hear that. Ima look into this shit.

So yah, long story short you NEVER know what cool people you might (WILL) meet out approaching people. Networking, inspiration, fun, growth, Game is such an awesome door opener. Don't stop approaching! That one girl sitting there COULD turn out to be a super interesting, inspiring conversation. As a numbers game, you run into them inevitably,and they make all the stress and effort worth it.

Edited by thehondasc00py
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  • 2 weeks later...

Aiaiaiai I've backslided. Want to start a new media detox. Been spending too much time looking for that next movie. What a bizarre condition, trawling the internet looking for that perfect movie without ever actually watching a movie hahaha. So, no movies until I'm back in Germany. From now. Done. Documentaries allowed.

Staying at my Gran's at a small sleepy estate. Nothing going on here. Want to do:

  • lots of meditation
  • one hike, cycle ride, or roadtrip a day
  • explore the little town and the surrounding countryside

When tired/drained, listen to music or watch a documentary or go for a walk.

Yo I've had quite the fucking week.

Got pickpocketed on my last fking night out in Stellenbosch, phone stolen. Replaced my phone. Got really sick, symptoms fitted tuberculosis and I had had contact with a homeless dude with TB who I helped a couple weeks back. So had to go to doctor, hospital, do X-Rays and tests. Burnt a hole in my bank account (in addition to phone replacement) until suddenly my money completely ran out, in Durban (0 friends or relatives, very expensive hostels, high crime rate, unsafe). Spent the weekend a) broke and scramblinb to find money just to afford another night in a bed and not on the crime-ridded streets and b) thinking I might have TB, the world's deadliest disease.

So that was fun. A little stressed out, yeah. Having no money fucking sucks. Having your life and future put into question sucks even more. What a reminder to be grateful for life and health, bed and food. Getting ready to sleep in the park, my aunt thankfully bailed me out as it was possible for them to send money to my cellphone. On the way to the ATM I actually got mugged again by two dudes but the street was too crowded for them to harm me so I kept on walking, didnt give them my new phone and they eventually fucked off. Did I mention I had a stressful week? Eventually got a bus to my Gran's place. Money rules the world. For one day though, I was a penniless bum. Not a good feeling. Got reconnected to that fight-for-survival drive I journalled about a couple months ago. Careful what you wish for lol

Seems I have no TB, just had some bronchitis and a fucking sore throat now but phoning doctor tomorrow for final test results but I think I'm fine. Nice! Contracting tb for a random act of kindness would have sucked lol

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  • 2 weeks later...

End of travels

Right now I’m very grateful for:

·        Having my bed to sleep in tonight

·        Having money and food and a home

·        Being alive and in health

·        Having family

·        Discovering Radical Honesty, Game, and Spirituality

I’m back from my little romp through SA. It was quite the time. How time flies by, and all of a sudden you find yourself back where you began looking back and how it all seemingly passed by, and reduced to flickering memories. There is no “past”, no “future”, no “now”, only this weird, strange, timeless flowing experience. The past really doesn’t exist “anymore”. It’s so bizarre. I feel a most beautiful sadness.

My trip went through great highs and great lows. The highs involved me out crushing it in Game, socializing like a madman, being in flow, and even having a couple of enlightenment experiences while deep in meditation. The lows involved me being a broke bum in physical danger, getting robbed, and being possibly infected with the world’s deadliest disease with maybe 2 years to live, or something. Lol. Melodrama aside, it was pretty wild.

Oh, actually a couple more..annoyances happened the past two weeks too.

·        Bought a new camera to pick up photography as a new hobby and proceeded to leave it in the Uber a week later like an idiot

·        Realized I had lost my keys sometime during the journey when I got back to my german town and went to unlock my bike. Fate wasn’t leaving me alone. Faced with the incredibly shitty prospect of spending a night on the street after a 30 hour sleepless journey from SA, I managed to make my way to a friend’s house whom I had (with most impressive – for me – foresight and responsibility) given my spare keys. Alas, he was away on holiday too and his room locked. FUCK. Luckily, LUCKILY, his lease was home and had spare keys for HIS room, allowing me to enter and get MY spare keys. What a fucking godsend. Ya, lost my keys like an idiot too.

Finally getting into my apartment was the sweetest thing.

It’s funny how fast gratitude is forgotten. After getting my TB test results back negative, the gratitude at life and health wore off after a couple days, like most things. But for now, I’m fucking grateful of just having some money and a bed.

Next weeks will continue to be stressful af though. No rest for the wicked. I need to:

·        Get rid or sell all of my furniture

·        Transport all the stuff I want to keep 500km down to my parent’s house

·        Clear out and repaint the room, get new keys done, find a buyer, give over the apartment

·        Study for and write a maths exam

·        Serve at a vipassana retreat

·        Make new Korean foot therapist appointments

·        Sort out a new SIM card

·        Find work

·        Find a new apartment

Fuck man. It’s so much. I’m dreading it all. Plus I feel like all the past months of bumming out has killed whatever sad excuse for a work ethic I had. So I’m gonna really have to strap in and just bite through this one. I’ll get by. Tomorrow I’ll start with the SIM card, Korean appointments and putting the furniture online. In any case my top focus this month must absolutely be all the admin stuff.

Oh, this afternoon after arriving in Cologne – before coming home I stopped by at the first regular Cologne Radical Honesty meetup organised from my friend I met at the RH Workshop a couple months ago. It was us and about 10 newcomers and he taught them the basics and I helped. It was a good session filled mostly by the game “Sex and Money”. Everyone takes turns telling the group about their financial life, and their sex life. Nothing held back, everything put on the table. I remember well back in the Workshop how I had to tell a huge circle of people about my virginity, it was tough but I did it. Well, since then I’ve lost my V but had great fun now telling everyone about my erectile dysfunction and bad sex issues LOL. It’s a step up I guess??? xD

I’m a boss though because both in the workshop and today I volunteered to go first and straight up shot everything out. I used to be a nervous wreck and terrible public speaker but today I was pretty fucking calm and collected, even stopping what I was saying completely every now and then to close my eyes and tune into my body and declare what I was feeling, basking in the attention and discomfort. In general I was like de facto the group’s secondary leader, bringing a lot of value and suggestions to other people and speaking my mind. Speaking your mind is fucking HARD. 99.9% of people don’t realize just how hard it is. You see, if you’re sitting in that workshop and start feeling bored while someone else is having their turn talking, you better believe you need to speak up and say youre fucking bored and want to move on in the name of radical honesty. And that…is HARD. Like, there’s speaking your mind, and then there’s 100% SPEAKING YOUR MIND even if it could hurt others and mess up your image or pit others against you. It’s crazy how much upwards room there is for full honesty, and how many subtle ways there still are in which I people please, in which we all do. This is a longterm journey.

So, that was a great time. Radical Honesty is boss. Also, I have to give myself props. I’ve come to realize that a LOT of groundedness, confidence and stability simply comes with age, from having more years and life experience under your belt. I mean look at old people, most of them don’t give a fuuuuck. Now, I’ve had people come up to me telling me I’m crazy mature, calm and confident for my age. And yes, I am. Through enlightenment work I’m probably more emotionally stable and mature than 90% of adults, and self-esteem wise too. Sometimes I’ll literally think I’m the coolest guy that’s ever lived. Sure, sometimes I get battered with a crippling wave of insecurity too, I’m not infallible. That’s what makes it interesting – the constant flux of moving emotional energy, states, confidence, insecurity, nothing is solid, permanent. Everything is in motion, appearing new every single moment. Nothing exists as an actual THING in time, everything is movement, appearance, fudged together by our consciousness to create the illusion of solidity and consistency. So I was thinking, damn, if I’m already pretty badass now, where the f will I be in 10 years carrying on this trajectory? See, no need to compare myself with guys that have slept with 100 women and are cool as a cucumber public speaking if they are THIRTY, 10 whole years more of development than me. Shit, at that age I’ll be legendary.

Oh dear, then again, ironically the very thing in the way of greatness is the thing that wants to be great, the ego. A strong and commanding ego will still have to “keep” it’s respect and uphold it’s image, and fear losing it’s status. No-ego does not. No-ego wins out in the end. No-ego is the real power, even if there’s no own there to hold it. So, “I” (no central me actually exists, but for the purpose of dialogue), need to break down my “ego” (atleast the parts of it craving social success and survival). Let it burn in the holy fires of emotional pain and challenge, and rejection, until these things mean nothing to me. That’s the idea, atleast. Self-transcendance through calculated self-destruction. Mhm, I like the sound of that (but not the actual implications, lawl).

Small bit on the enlightenment experiences I had while meditating at my Gran’s beautiful estate. I kept slipping deeper and deeper until all boundaries and separations dissolved and it became clear to me that I was not just “I”, some silly ghost in a head, but the whole experience. All of it, this, here, now, being. The whole package. The room I was in, me. The walls were my body, no end, no distinction. The vase, me. Everything there was, was it – awareness. A bottle is literally nothing more than the actual awareness of a bottle. There’s no inherent, independent existence to it. It’s all just experience. I walked outside into the nature, and fell overwhelmed to the earth. Kissing the earth beneath me, I felt an extraordinary union with the earth, the grass, the entire planet below me. “I” was inside awareness, and interconnected with it, and WAS it. Beautiful. Being so deeply conscious was the most crisp, clean, delightful feeling there is, that’s how I would describe it, but there came an inflection point of ultimate equanimity where all preference ceased alltogether. Good – bad, pleasure – pain, conscious-unconscious, it didn’t matter. All of it is just content within experience. Egoic consciousness and it’s inevitable suffering was welcomed back with open arms, and a few hours later I was back to normality again and jacking off to porn.

Anyway, shit is good. Maybe even perfect, as it should be and as it only could have ever been. I don’t know. I sense tough but fruitful times ahead. Until then, cheerio.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorted out a lot of shit and spend the last week going hard studying for that maths exam. Wrote it yesterday and "treated" myself to a bit of a series binge, which I put a stop to today. I'll limit to watching documentaries again from now on. Documentaries inspire, entertainment shows tend to promote apathy. I want something new in my life to work on now that the maths exam is done, I'm no longer studying and, should I get accepted to Stellenbosch Uni in South Africa, thats only next year. I'm moving to the city in 3 weeks where I will find work. Until then, I have 3 weeks to kill and not much to keep me occopied. 

I went for a great walk this evening where I realised that exercise and nature has been what I've been missing. Discovered the most serene little patch of forest with a small lake, it's straight out of a fantasy land. I'm going to head there a lot over the next 3 weeks. Will also set up a framework in place to keep me occopied and engaged proactively, because having nothing to do, no purpose and absolutely 0 responsibilities or obligations is actually dangerous bizznizz lol. It gets real easy to sit in your apartment all day on instant pleasure movie marathons and snackfood. I shall think up an inspiring vision and some new goals and get to work on...something. I have following activies at my disposal:

Growth:

  • Watching Transformation Mastery and doing releases
  • Self inquiry
  • Kriya yoga, energy work
  • game - go on dates, bars

Entertainment:

  • Read: Om Swami bio, David Attenborough bio 2
  • Audiobooks: Attenborough Bio 1, Magellan's bio
  • Documentaries - wild china, travel, nature
  • Listen to music - find more classical and electronic

Stay active:

  • Dance
  • Go for a walk - forest hikes
  • Cycle tour - flerzheim, forest trails
  • Go to town, have a coffee, visit a bookstore, approach people, visit meetups

Everyday I will do some dancing and/or light calisthenics, atleast every second day i will visit the forest and go for a walk, atleast once a week I will do a cycling tour and go to town. Everyday I will do atleast one activity on the growth list, and I will finish the two audiobooks within 3 weeks. Those are my spontaneously constructed "Anti Depression and Apathy Countermeasures" ;)

I don't need to do or be anything and all is well, but I always want to be working on something. I don't care what, I just want to be working on something. As long as I'm working on something shit's gucci. And ima sit down and think of some inspiring cool stuff I want to do this year or next and get myself to THINK BIG! which i'm not used to. Peace out.

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Also damn I sat down this afternoon to feel into a sweet wave of suffering that had been toiling and building up during the show binge and this song just flat out purified it all in one go lol it was sick. Not even the kind of music I usually listen to but it's the song that has probably been in my life the longest and I'm certain it always will be. Love it.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I severely love life, but tonight I feel down and disappointed. Met a fantastic girl, the date went great, great connection, but I never went for a kiss despite wanting to take things further. I know I want to man up, take risks, go for what I want. I fear things getting platonic. I'm attached to outcome. What stings is that the connection was so good but I didn't do anything with it. Also I feel due to my very high satisfaction, peace and detachment in life my libido is low and I would like it to be higher. When dating im so immersed in the conversation I don't have a single thought or urge for sex, my mind never goes there and it's like I have to force myself with having a mental goal outcome in mind instead of having things evolve naturally which sucks but perhaps I just need to turn regular, enjoyable sex into a reality first. Ya, that's probably precisely what to do, just force through the catch 22 {bars} and the rest comes. Good thing is I'm comfortable with dating now and I've finally actually started to follow through with the numbers I collect AND I'm moving into Cologne in 2 weeks which finally means regular going out and regular dating. On the one hand I feel amazing for myself and good enough, on the other hand I absolutely welcome this frustrating and little sliver of self-unacceptance and disappointment to motivate myself to keep moving forward and growing, because peace and contentment on my own is all well and good but real life chaotic action and movement is where the rubber hits the road.  I'ma stop being a little bitch and just kiss her next time for the sake of doing it and go on more dates to remain abundant and move out of this slump. 

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In my opinion, you shouldn't force yourself too much to do certain things. Like you said, during the conversation if you didn't have a thought about sex, that's fine. Some may even think it's great, because sex can be what starts a relationship but what makes it last is the connection between the individuals. If your libido is lower, thats not necessarily a bad thing. You don't have to have sex constantly, some couples have less than others. If the connection is great, surely there'll be a second date and you can try the kiss then!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Its been quite a tough week. I feel some resistance to journalling. Perhaps I think things should be better than thay are. Suffering always seems to return. Fear of being stuck, failing, being a coward, too lazy, a lot of that rose to the surface, triggered by a few things. Remaining little, worrisome old me. Been releasing which feels fantastic. More and more I believe the essence of spirituality is becoming a SUPERCONDUCTOR for experience. Emotions and thoughts are energy, I am the wire. Resist and get burnt up, but with 0 resistance, it flows in and out with 0 heat generated. Superconductor. Authenticity. Accepting there is no real control. I moved out of my apartment, made a deal with the next renter I would leave all my furniture for 150 euros. When the day came, of course he had no money on his account. After all the favours I had done him throughout the past weeks, and my fantastic beloved table I left him. I got suspicous and asked to check his account, he really had 0, but I feel I was not assertive enough. Like with the locksmith, I feel fucked over hard. Its not that much money or the end of the world in the grand scheme of things, but it triggered a lot of suffering. If only this, if only that. I had made a third key for the apartment which I had no obligation of handing in and no one knew about it. I could have kept it, and would now have a key to the apartment with which I could...break in and get my struff back or just steal what that shitter owes me. But no, I did the honest thing, I gave him the key thinking, out of goodwill, having a third set might spare him the misfortune of being locked out and needing a locksmith like I did. I got fucking repaid with betrayal. Thats what pisses me off. Ok, maybe he will still pay me. I doubt it, not answering my texts. I have to accept that everyone is out for themselves and no one gives a shit about me. No more Mr Nice Guy, thats what life has been telling me. I feel angry and like a victim, at the mercy of life. Anger stems from incapability and powerlessness. Im done giving a shit about other people. I need to stand up for myself, say NO and take what I want, others be damned. Sick of this shit

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I'm back. I have a retreat in one week, until then I want to be chill but consistent with practices, whip myself back into shape. Printing out new X-Cards and I'll make a new vision board as well. And, I will journal every single day like in the start of my videogame detox. Good old days. I want to feel really good in my body like I did a couple weeks ago, which was a culmination of self-inquiry, energy work, releasing, and exercise.

Practices:

  1. selfinquiry/meditation - 20min
  2. 1 guided release or targeted inner work - 20min
  3. 1 session of kriya yoga or some energy meditation - 20min
  4. 1 walk or calisthenics, dancing - 30min
  5. daily journal entry - 10min

I've learnt some things about myself the past week or two..I'm back at home at my parent's house and it's tough. I'm coming from living half a year alone without wifi into a house filled with distractions, wifi and on-demand TV...without a strong vision and goal and concrete stuff to work on, I'm very vulnerable to that and I also learnt..how moody I can be in the mornings. For the sake of full disclosure I will say I did play some WoW the last 2 days. I got insane cravings to just play through and see the newest patch which were hitting my mood hard so I decided to just give myself a few days, scratch the itch and get it done. Ended up only needing two days and it didn't keep me, deinstalled again without a hitch and I feel pretty decent this morning. I'm kinda excited for the new expansion but it's still a few months away.

In that time, I want to get my life in order.

I really want to live away from home again. Where I can focus on and do my thing the way I want to do it. And live in a city amongst the hustle and bustle, meetups and events. So that is my next goal: moving out (again). First, I need to earn some money, then I need to find a place. I realised I would love to leave the country altogether. The one thing that does really excite me is living somewhere exotic. I'm too smallminded, not ambitous enough, not ballsy enough, to realise my potential. There#s fantastic places to be and exciting things to do out there for the creative, courageous and ambitous. I don#t think I can work around first finding work and living here at home though, because I have no money to move out yet. My parents are breathing down my neck to find a job here which is fine. I'm gonna start visualising and inspiring myself more with grander things.

 

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