-n.g- 85 Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Day 1.Welp, where do I start?Hello. I would like to keep myself anonymous until I am ready, if ever. I will keep this journal as short and sweet as I can where I can, my head is a bit messed up right now. Best to drip it out slowly otherwise it will be an incoherent mess.-I am tired as shit. Not just physically but mentally as well in every way. I think I have worn myself out from gaming finally. Yesterday I deleted my game-well over 200+GB gone poof like that, steam is gone too. I did this all after opening the Pandora's box of gaming and searching for the total number of hours I have spent on steam. I have for some time wanted to give up and the relapses have been crap but this time it feels different. After seeing that something just clicked and I proceeded to delete all my games with a second thought. The last game I deleted was the one I had put over 2k hours in over 2 years and I stared at that blankly for perhaps a full 10 seconds. -Today is the planning day, although I originally woke up not know what to do with myself. I can only describe my current situation and mental state as an ugly, precarious rut. I opened up a sketchbook wrote my first realistic set of goals to aim for. Everything feels like going back right back to basics. perhaps I will take a picture of everything I write in that book instead of typing, if I can find a camera. I would like to think that my goals are simple but I know that prospect of the work involved daunts me In the short term:-Re-learn French I fucked up that subject at school. I can still remember the excitement of wanting to learn a new language when I was younger.-I bought a plastic model kit to make a week ago. A BMW Isetta bubble car, small things that try to do something completely different amuse me. I started it today and will be looking to fill most of my time doing it. I am jobless and had to put my university degree on hold, horribly overdraft, haven't been out of the house for 9 or more months and eat a meal a night; just one. I go through these episodes of extreme anger where I destroy things, recently I have put a hole in a wall after launching a small cupboard at it (the cupboard survived, I guess IKea do know make some quality things after all). These follow moments of extreme sadness where I have often entertained suicide even though another part of my brain knew it what stupid, I cannot stop it when it happens, all the while feeling weak and permanently lethargic.-Get back into drawing, I am, or was a architecture student. This will be my second time I have had to put a stop to university. I fear I am building up quite history for myself. I am hoping to make some money out of that, as one of the consolations of gaming was becoming friends with a business startup involved in vinyl prints.-Learn to cook healthy. I eat high carb foods because they are the easiest to do. Changing my diet should hopefully make me less tired and feeling smashed after every meal.-Drum up the courage to go cycling and leave the house finally. not a heavy work out, just 5-10 minutes at first. perhaps in the mornings, though for anyone who cares to read any tips on how to tackle stomachs that react really badly to the cold would be massively appreciated.-finish reading the books I bought:re-read Le Corbusier's Towards New ArchitectureCarlo Scarpa's life worksFind and read, or listen to the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxydamn there are at least 5-6 scattered around my floordrobe for a room I have forgotten the names of.Clean my room. -I have 5 long term goals so far:-Get back to university for 2018-2019-Get a stable source of income before then-Move out of this shitheap closer to my university, the commute was exhausting and the time wasted on it was precious.-Never play another video game or watch another porno flick every again. Video games have had the strongest pull on me.-Keep my technology usage on the computer to a minimum. 2 very long term goals:-Start a business in product design and architecture-Piss off out of the rat race of London and go sailing out around the world in the winters. My brain thinks better when there is some sunshine. Everything seems unrealistic at the moment. I definitely know I cannot think clearly at all.Thats it for now, I hope I haven't made too much a fool of myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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