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Ashley's Journal for the Nth time


Ashley K.
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Today was supposed to be my second day of detoxing. I had urges when I woke up this morning and recognized why I had them. But in the end I ended up relapsing and playing LoL. It didn't really feel great. It felt like a relief but only temporary. 

Yesterday I had stronger urges to play because I was getting frustrated about where my life was right now. So I told myself that I needed to change a lot of things if I wanted my life to be better. But I seem to fall right back into the same rut, the comfort zone. Scared of going outside of it because I don't want to judge myself so harshly to the point where I call it quits. Another reason is that my husband plays as most of you already know, so watching him play doesn't help. Almost day in and day out it's LoL videos, streams, listening to streams while he plays. Some of you may say to go to another part of the house. I live with my mother and her house isn't what you call "clean". It's just really...I wouldn't say dirty, but with 4 cats and a dog. It gets that way. I've tried cleaning over and over and it just gets dirty after a day. So that's another reason why I stay in my room. I'm in this situation that I put myself in that I need to fight to get out of. 

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I'm glad you're back, Ashley. You're fighting hard just by being here. The relapses are tough but they happen....I've had several. I think you'll get to a point where you just want things to be different so badly, you'll overcome the obstacles and quit. I still battle bouts of intense anxiety and loneliness two months into my detox. It's not easy, I just have that deep conviction that it's going to be worth it on the other side no matter how much it hurts now. I'm rooting for you!

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Instead of spending time in the rest of the house, what about maybe going outside? Is the weather good where you are to either go for a walk, or just sit outside and watch the world go by? You'll still get the same urges and thoughts if you remain in the same environment.

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Instead of spending time in the rest of the house, what about maybe going outside? Is the weather good where you are to either go for a walk, or just sit outside and watch the world go by? You'll still get the same urges and thoughts if you remain in the same environment.

giblets is very spot-on. The environment is a huge trigger.

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I'm glad you're back, Ashley. You're fighting hard just by being here. The relapses are tough but they happen....I've had several. I think you'll get to a point where you just want things to be different so badly, you'll overcome the obstacles and quit. I still battle bouts of intense anxiety and loneliness two months into my detox. It's not easy, I just have that deep conviction that it's going to be worth it on the other side no matter how much it hurts now. I'm rooting for you!

I second Bob. Sometimes you just have to reach the state of wanting change too badly to stay the same. Probably relapses are a part of that process. Best of luck this time!

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I'm glad you're back, Ashley. You're fighting hard just by being here. The relapses are tough but they happen....I've had several. I think you'll get to a point where you just want things to be different so badly, you'll overcome the obstacles and quit. I still battle bouts of intense anxiety and loneliness two months into my detox. It's not easy, I just have that deep conviction that it's going to be worth it on the other side no matter how much it hurts now. I'm rooting for you!

 Boom!!!

That's intense inspiration you have got there!!

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