Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Zane

My Journal, by Zane

Recommended Posts

Well, I've been playing a video game for almost two weeks now, and uninstalled/ reinstalled the game like 5 times. I found it odd that I knew everything I knew, and yet still let myself succumb again and again. But, I'm trying again. I uninstalled the game and deleted the game files and made it so that it would be difficult to get the game back again. I had fun playing it though. I got good in two weeks time, and I really do like strategy games. Oh well. Time to reboot. And... I got a date! She's super cute, and I mean super cute. One of the cutest girls I've met and I asked her out and she wants to go to lunch with me haha. Next Saturday we are going to hang out and I'll see about posting pictures here after :)

Yay! Okay, so yes, I did disrupt my goals, but I still have time to get on track. Time is running short for some of the important things I need to do but I can still do them. I will begin to post regularly once more. Love you all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good to have you here man. I just want you to know I believe in you.

You're a smart guy. That can be a blessing or a curse. It's up to you to decide if you want to use your powers for good or for evil. To help you achieve your goals or to find ways to justify the opposite.

Ultimately, regardless of whether someone games or not, this is a decision we all have to make eventually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know I need to get up earlier and follow a schedule and meditate and stuff and I'm not doing anything right. I'm following the same bad habits.

My karaoke session will happen sometime after I get my next paycheck. I'll commit to it I promise.

I've been taking cold showers but I don't know if I could handle it in the morning. That's when my body is already cold from sleeping. In the morning is when I'm clamoring for warmth. Why is it a good idea to make my body even colder?

Daily workout, completion list, I've been working on all those challenges. But if the overall challenge is to improve my discipline, I'm failing big time.

I would really love to find in myself the ability to wake up earlier than 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. Well, I am awake, but I can't force myself to get out of bed until it's too late to do anything other than dress and grab food/ water, and pack my backpack (which I don't prepare the night before like I should). Trust me, I know i should be waking up earlier and doing things like laying my clothes out the night before, but I don't.

I'm too much a slave to comfort. My bed is way too comfortable. I miss days of working out because I'm too comfortable and don't want to get out and do it. I don't wake up early and give myself every excuse to not start my homework right away. This has always been a big problem with me, since high school and earlier. The past several months I would tell myself at school that when I got home I was gonna get straight to work but I would end up playing video games. Now instead of video games I read or watch youtube videos, which I do learn from, but I do it at the expense of bigger priorities. I even visit these forums too much. It's kinda like facebook except I talk to more people here so I'm more active here than on facebook. I need to get in the habit of only checking here once or twice a day instead of checking what people have written when I get bored.

Seriously though, I find it troublling that I can't get into a routine for more than a couple days at a time. How do I get myself to commit and follow through? I even made the pact with the 5 minute journal and then fell asleep one night without filling it out. Jeez. Some homeless dude is gonna get rich... except I can't even afford to follow through with that.

Meanwhile, while I am not depressed like I was before, the constant (and I mean CONSTANT) reminders of my failures are haunting me each day. I have an amazing memory which is a blessing and a curse and everything triggers a memory. I hold on to memories because they make me feel special and because I can't manage to remove them from my state of thought. Yes, I know that if I focused on other things that the thoughts could go away. But I don't have the willpower to force those thoughts aside. Only unexpected circumstances like speaking to another person or engaging in a really interesting project (or video games!) allow me to shift my focus away from those memories.

?There was a combination of things that worked for me in relation to pulling together and finally sticking to routine. (these are just what helped me, i will try not preach)
The diary: evaluates and gets thoughts out on paper & can then create, review and update goals regularly. Its relaxing, and helpful and makes me understand more of my thoughts and emotions.
Meditation: It makes me more aware as to what my mind and body are saying. And when i stick to it consistently i feel happy and more empowered. I cannot stress how much this changed my life and gave me a better understanding of how to be happy even when life is tough.
Diet: I went paleo and found that my lifestyle changed a lot. It was hard because i love carbs. But it broke my sugar and carb addiction and made me lose a bunch of weight, clear my mind and feel so much happier.
Regular socializing: It was the void i personally filled with addictions, once i filled the void with what i actually needed the addictions were not as bad.
Consistent bedtimes (super important) - i wish i had done this when i was 18. It took me 5 years to finally implement it and the results were wonderful

Vision and inspiration: This parts important but also difficult. Creating goals is actually a very complex topic and there are many books on it. Inspiration is what drives you through any time that you find hard. And its not something that can be faked, you've genuinely gotta become inspired. For me personally it was to make my parents proud & support them. And also inspirational figures like the Dalai Lama & Warren Buffett who i look up to and follow the teachings of both.

Finally start small when you do something, in fact if you struggle start so small that you can't find a reason to say no. And never start too full on, you will burn out (i did this a thousand times) and end up back at square one. And you will be amazed how just doing 1 little thing on something a day will impact it. Personally i reinforce this with the diary setting up my tasks for the next day that are linked to my long term goals. And i always review my long term goals before the day starts. Being that the only moment i really can utilize is the current, i always make sure that my day has at least 1 little task on each life goal im working towards. No matter how small.

You have cold showers because it invigorates the body, shocks your immune system into power and keeps you healthier as a result. If you wish to understand more about cold therapy check the Vice documentary on Iceman.

Part of the teachings of meditation are about forgiveness. The basic idea is....whats happened has happened. And you can't change that. Now that brings you to a cross road. You can either wallow in it bringing negativity and sadness into your life. Or you can learn to accept that something has happened, and that you can learn from the mistake and that one day all of these mistakes will lead you on the path your currently walking to becoming a better person.

Meditation helped me in a lot of respects (& again, writing calms the mind).
As far as waking up earlier, sleep bot is a pro tip. It wakes you up when your not in a REM period of sleep so you wake earlier feeling like you've been hit by a truck. Also try setting the soundtrack or music to something that either makes you feel energetic or awake.
For me i use the sounds of the track: Foggy stream on the Calm app on my phone. Iv associated it with being awake and attentive. So when i hear it i perk up

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm back guys :P

I'm not going to write something long right now, just gonna discuss a few things. Wow it has been a month since I last posted here. I went back to video games because I was very uncomfortable with everything and games were so calming and I didn't have to worry about anything. And I quit once again because the problems in my life have started to stack up and my health has deteriorated. It looks like I'm back to square one.

Never in my life though have I felt so weak and lonely. I can remember feeling at the top of life in the past, but that doesn't help me now.

See, I knew I'd be back here soon, I just didn't know quite when that would be. I would be embarrassed but this feels too serious to be embarrassed about. Anyway, I'm back :)

I really want to start making some friends and getting out there again. I want to feel happy again, its been nearly a year since I felt truly happy. So, I'm trying this again. I don't think I will fail like this again. I really don't want to. I appreciate your support. It's time to go again, and this time do things right.

Hey Cam, how did you recover from your relapse, and what did you learn from it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great to have you back with us man. It wasn't the same without you, truly. :)

My relapse is what taught me all about the stuff I shared in my original article, because the first time I quit (for 11 months) I just quit cold turkey and moved on with my life - I was so busy and never home (on purpose) so I wasn't tempted to play. But when I relapsed that's what taught me about the needs gaming fulfills, etc.

One of the key mindsets I had during my relapse was that I was playing for X time (it ended up being five months) guilt-free as my last "hoorah." So I was choosing to game and I did that for five months but at the end I was going to be done for good but I was doing it on my own terms. I think that helped me a lot because when I quit I was truly quitting, and although I had cravings here or there, I took that decision seriously and nothing was more important to me than staying true to my own word.

If you're ever wondering why you (and by you I mean every person on the planet) doesn't have everything they want it's because you don't keep your word to yourself - you lack integrity. The sooner you can start taking your integrity to new heights the sooner you'll begin achieving the things you do want to achieve. (Error margin: +/- privilege.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to sit down for a few mins and try to recap what could be the root cause of why you're feeling so down lately, you can't win a battle when you don't know who your enemy is, so try to figure out what it is, and if you can't maybe we can help, who knows, but don't feel bad about yourself, as long as you're alive there will always be another chance to try again, so it's good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back! You're not quite back to square one because you have learned a lot since you quit and relapsed. You can draw on those experiences to do even better than ever! It made my day seeing that you're back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My fall semester began today, and I'm starting to get busy again. My last post was 14 days ago? I don't believe it. Where did that time go? Jeez.

Two interesting things happened this last week, which I want to share. First, I received a call from a friend who I made while playing Destiny. He is a 29 year old guy with whom I used to stay up late chatting with and playing the game. He used to drink and play video games alot but now he tells me that he is making changes to his life, and its becase of me. He admires me and I'm surprised and happy to hear about his success. He told me that he has started working out again and that his tv and consoles stopped working suddenly and he doesn't even care. He and I were talking about Destiny and how the game creators used psychology to hook people on the game and we laughed at it all. I thought it was great though to hear that I had made such a positive impact on another person. I haven't felt like I was making a positive difference on people since high school, when I had alot of friends.

The second, and more interesting thing that was quite shocking to me, happened to an old friend of mine from high school. He is a guy my age who introduced me to Halo and Skyrim several years ago. When I didn't want to come home to deal with my parents I would hang out at his house. He was a cool friend, and he liked computers and even taught me a few things about them. Unfortunately he was also bullied by some of the people at school and one weekend at some sort of event or football practice or something, he pulled out either an airsoft gun or nerf gun, i dont remember which, either way it doesn't matter because he got expelled. Anyway, we both graudated in different schools but remained friends and last year when I moved to San Jose we kept in touch a little on facebook. However, we stopped talking suddenly and I didn't think to much of it. I pretty much forgot about him until last week when he messaged me on facebook, after a year of not messaging me. It was odd, because all of a sudden I get a random message of him asking me which Halo was my favorite, and how is San Jose? I respond to his message and say thats im doing alright and stuff and then he tells me that a year ago he got into a car accident and broke his neck and is now a quadriplegic, paralyzed from the neck down.

When he told me that I was very shocked and I didn't know what to think. How horrible. I thought to myself I would rather die than live like that. But it also reminded me that while bad things have happened to me, its nothing compared to what happened to this poor guy. I called him on the phone and we just chatted and stuff and I'm resolved to call him more often to be a friend to him because he needs it I'm sure. He still is interested in computers and video games and now he is even taking college classes!

I feel like this can and should serve as motivation for me to live my life to the fullest, and stop wasting my young healthy body on soda and video games, to go out there and do things that my friend Jehremy cannot and will not ever do. He had a really good attitude considering his situation. I guess that being positive is the only way to be in his situation anyway.

As to the 30 day challenge, I'm just damn scared of doing things like karaoke, or starting a conversation with someone I don't know. It's not like I've never done crazy scary things in my life. I've done way scarier things than those things, and honestly I have conversations with strangers fairly frequently and I have no problem whatsoever.

That dance video i made was very uncomfortable for me. I only was able to do it because I was fairly comfortable with the game quitters community. I wouldn't have posted it to facebook though because it would be so embarassing.

My mind is just rebelling from some of these challenges. I'm certain that they could be really good for me, but it's so much easier just to complain about them :P I mean, some of the challenges are comparattively so much easier. Take a cold shower? Done. Write out a list of things you need to do? Done. Buy a whiteboard? Done. Go to a place you've never been and sing a song in front of strangers? Can't I just take another cold shower? xD

Edited by Zane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's awesome that you've helped others with their struggles! I very much want to do the same with my life.

I've done karaoke twice in my life. I'm deathly afraid of it as well. The way I did it was get fairly drunk and pick the worst song I could think of. I sang Britney Spears. For me, picking a song like that was just me saying ahead of time that it's okay to suck and laugh about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The way I did it was get fairly drunk and pick the worst song I could think of. I sang Britney Spears.

What a shame, I would have been able to help you with the lyrics of her songs, I know most of them by heart! haha [*runs off to hide under his bed*]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What a shame, I would have been able to help you with the lyrics of her songs, I know most of them by heart! haha [*runs off to hide under his bed*]

?Haha, it takes a real man to admit that!

Zane, you'll have to let us know how your karaoke adventure goes! If you do it sober, you're a braver man than I!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My first two days of classes have gone nicely. I find myself feeling very different about my classes than I have in the past. I really am excited about my business class. The teacher is a cool guy who owns a business in real estate and he is very excited about Entrepreneurship, as am I. I am taking an intro to business course with him, but based on the things he talked about on the first day of class, I truly believe that this will be a great opportunity for me. I am also excited about the other classes I am taking, including my Critical Thinking class and Career and Life planning class. I'm also taking a class on Computer Info Systems, which is a 4 hour class starting at 6pm on Mondays (that's gonna be a little painful) but the teacher is great, and I'm also taking an online English class and will be working in a week. I'm glad that school has started, and it seems to be what I needed to become active again. I already feel momentum and I hope to ride this momentum and not to lose it. My goal this semester is to get straight A's, something I have never done before. I'm almost done reading the Slight Edge (after taking a month long break) and it has served to reaffirm my "burning desire backed by faith" to follow my dreams.

This year has seen a huge development for me. I attribute it to a lot of things, including books and articles I have read, videos I have watched, and people I have spoken to you, and in no small part these forums. For the first time in my life I know what I want to do, not specifically of course, but I know what I want to do. Entrepreneurship is a lifestyle, and philosophy that resonates with me, and wherever that takes me is where I want to go.

Each day I do still feel the temptation to play that computer game I've been playing, but with having things to do I find it much easier to say no. My next big test will be what I do on the weekend. I'm going to find out if somehow I can block games on my computer and perhaps have someone else know the password to those changes, to prevent me from failing.

I'm not going to talk to much about what I'm going to do to ensure that I succeed the rest of this year. I like to talk about it and think about it but I have learned that the more excited I am about something, the more I tend to think about it rather than simply do it. And I know that a few weeks from now my excitement for these courses will run out and will start to feel like a drag like always happens, but on the other hand if I see that I am doing well in my classes and other activities I'm doing I will be excited and motivated to continue with that momentum and feel great about myself.

Overall I'm doing pretty good right now xD

Edited by Zane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

?Haha, it takes a real man to admit that!

Zane, you'll have to let us know how your karaoke adventure goes! If you do it sober, you're a braver man than I!

?hahaha xD I will let you know. I'll probably sing Smile Like You Mean It by the Killers

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your resistance to the challenges is normal. That's why they are challenges! By having to push through the discomfort you grow, similar to how going to the gym you work out and your soreness is actually your muscles building and growing bigger. This is no different. Focus on the missions you have done so far and work on those, and use your new momentum to take on the bigger ones. Remember the new friend you made when you were willing to talk to a stranger. ;)

There's a ton of web blockers you can use. Try to not be home much on the weekend and that will make it much easier.

Happy to hear you're doing well. You're an important member of the forum here. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back Zane :D (huzzah!)
Sorry to hear about your friend, although even if any one of us were to become quadriplegic i think wanting to die as an alternative would be a huge waste. Just because life could change doesn't mean its worth throwing it away :).

Funny thing happens to people who end up in wheel chairs, once they come to terms with being in a wheelchair they just go on living life.

Happiness is a mindset, not something that we obtain from having X amount of dollars or a gf thats a 9 on the hot scale.
Money reduces financial stress but besides that we don't need money to be happy (its why millionaires still commit suicide, and some of the poorest people in the world are still very happy). There's definitely a lot you should have to be happy for and maybe with a shift in perspective you might find the happiness you want.

Im with you on the karaoke thing though, that challenge terrifies me beyond measure, would much rather endure 100 injections or have the flu for a month.
Looking forward to your posts!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey everyone! I haven't made a post in a couple weeks but I've been checking up on these forums every day. I've been game free for something like 17 days, which is the longest I've gone without since summer of 2013. Even then I played as often as I could, but I've gone all in with my personal change and I'm feeling great about it. My final temptation to play games was with my computer. I was worried about a few weeks ago but now I'm not even concerned. I am pretty happy to not play anymore. And, I've been (slowly) replacing my time with better activities. I've continued to read, work out, and for once I'm staying on top of my homework. My homework actually interests me for once, in part because I love my classes. Like I said before I have an English argumentation class and a business class. Both these classes cover topics and activities that I'm growing passionate about. I've always gotten a kick out of arguing against the majority opinion, and this class seems specifically designed to support that. Instead of posting regularly here I've actually been making posts for an online English memoir class which I'm taking for general education. It is pleasant to open up about my life to others, as it is something I've really only starting doing this year. As for my business class, I'm learning all sorts of things about economics and economies and I'm keeping up during lectures, which is phenomenal, because in the past I've never kept my attention on the teacher for such extended periods of time.

Some of my other habits are suffering... I haven't kept my room clean or been advancing with my completion list, meditating, or getting a proper amount of sleep. But I have been taking cold showers, working out, eating healthy (though not eating enough for my training), and today I talked on the phone to my little siblings and I intend to make plans to visit them soon. I ordered a book on amazon which I hoped would replace my desire to game or watch entertainment. It's a book based on the Halo series, and I never read sci- fi but I said why not, its a cool replacement for the video game I used to love. I ended up getting the book and reading it for 5-6 hours each day, finishing it in two and a half days. I couldn't put it down. I have to say that one of the biggest challenges in my life would be my inability to find a balance of what I want and need to do. I lack the discipline to maintain discretion; to, say, read the book for an hour each day instead of 5-6 hours.

I spoke to students from other schools taking classes at my school, and those students concurred with me that there is a strange phenomenon at my school. Nobody is social, nobody hangs out, or meets outside of school, nobody dates, and none of the girls are attractive. It's crazy how even other students concur with me that there's something very odd about my school. Also, when you've gone over a year without meeting a girl you'd like to date it really gets to your head. This is really getting to me. My problem isn't even that I can't get a girl on a date. My problem is that I cant meet any I like, and trust me I'm not even being picky. I don't know how else to explain this very real problem for me. I'm at a loss for what to do.

I've checked meet-ups in my area. After choosing a big list of interests, there are surprisingly few meetups available (and this is a big city). They are all meetups taking place at awkward times, late at night, and often charging for entry. Meetups don't seem to be a very viable option. Not at least until I start driving.

How else can I meet new people? This never used to be a problem for me. In high school I was never lacking for friends. I'm a lot more social now and confident in myself but I can't meet anyone my age or who is- can anyone offer advice? I keep thinking that if I were living in a college dorm I would have no lack of friends but since I am not around anyone and nobody wants to hang out or anything I have gone a year without making any real friends, and I'm getting impatient. I was able to make 10 new good friends each month playing video games a few hours a day, not even trying to make friends. Haha they're all on facebook asking where have I gone. I still talk to some of my old high school friends, but they are so spread out all over the place, and I lost my closest friend 11 months ago.

Despite how negative some of this may sound, I'm actually doing fine. In fact I would say I'm doing better than ever. That is probably why I'm so concerned and ready to change my social situation.

I'm definitely 100 percent in this :)

Edited by Zane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have so many bad habits I need to break. Like biting my fingernails all the time.

Oh and also, I talk to myself CONSTANTLY. I used to talk to my ex for 3-4 hours each day. Now I talk to myself 3-4 hours each day. lol. Anyone else have this problem?

Edited by Zane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have so many bad habits I need to break. Like biting my fingernails all the time.

Oh and also, I talk to myself CONSTANTLY. I used to talk to my ex for 3-4 hours each day. Now I talk to myself 3-4 hours each day. lol. Anyone else have this problem?

?I am in the same boat with nails. As far as meet ups go have you considered maybe learning a martial arts or boxing? Its competitive, healthy, strategic and you get to meet new people in a fun sport (like judo). And the ladies will like that too im sure

Glad to hear your taking school seriously :) i always regret not having given my grades my full attention. Its one of those things most people learn later on about. Its like appearance, getting top grades is just another representation of yourself and your standards.
As far as girls go, nobody remains hot as they get older anyway so go for the ones with personality ^_^ and show of impressive direction. Thats gonna be way better then a girl who drags you down with her social problems and habits but happens to be pretty. If you can get both then jackpot!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Keep on going on your journey! Remember to enjoy and celebrate your small successes. We're all striving towards an idea, but the key is to truly enjoy improving little by little. I'm always happy to read anything you write!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

?I am in the same boat with nails. As far as meet ups go have you considered maybe learning a martial arts or boxing? Its competitive, healthy, strategic and you get to meet new people in a fun sport (like judo). And the ladies will like that too im sure

Glad to hear your taking school seriously :) i always regret not having given my grades my full attention. Its one of those things most people learn later on about. Its like appearance, getting top grades is just another representation of yourself and your standards.
As far as girls go, nobody remains hot as they get older anyway so go for the ones with personality ^_^ and show of impressive direction. Thats gonna be way better then a girl who drags you down with her social problems and habits but happens to be pretty. If you can get both then jackpot!

Sorry, I forgot to specify, when I said "none of the girls are attractive" I was also talking about their personalities. Regardless though, even physical attraction is an ABSOLUTE necessity for a healthy RELATIONSHIP, otherwise it's just a friendship. For better or worse, dating is about eventual procreation, and both parties must have a very clear motivation to procreate. You can't rewrite those human instincts, nor should you. I'm talking about people in general. But, this situation is especially sensitive and important to me, because I used to have a great relationship with a girl who had both (great personality/ looks), and it was the best experience of my life. I desire to find a similar experience again, this time having learned from my mistakes, but I am heavily discouraged due to the situation I described in my previous entry.?

I hope this describes my problem better. This isn't a problem I'm comfortable with describing to people, because I don't think they'd understand, and I would feel judged. I'm sharing it with you guys.

Edited by Zane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope this describes my problem better. This isn't a problem I'm comfortable with describing to people, because I don't think they'd understand, and I would feel judged. I'm sharing it with you guys.

Also it's embarrassing to be harping about it still after so many months, but unfortunately I can't get it out of my head. ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...