This is me.

[ananabanana]

Hey

After seeing this reddit post linked by Cam Adair on Facebook, I finally decided to write down my own story; Because telling strangers about myself may help me. 

This is just an unstructured, unplanned summary of my thoughts. 'The plan' is to continue my personal development after posting this by following Game Quitters' guidance. I used quotation marks because I can't remember the last time i actually executed a plan. But then again, I am convinced I have a terrible memory.

I am 18 years old. I have been a member of Game Quitters since october 2015. Since then, I have had a Skype conversation with Cam in january 2016. Shortly after, I quit university, where i had started my first year in civil engineering in september 2015. I quit university because i didn't study, attend the classes or attend the exams. Instead I sat in front of my computer the entire day. I searched for a job and worked a bit. I decided I wanted to retry studying next academic year, starting semptember 2016. 

I decided I wanted to study either the bachelor of arts for piano at a certain conservatory, where I passed the entrance exam, or computer science at the university. I choose for computer science. I am still at least a bit doubtful about that decision. I choose computer science because I interacted more with computers than the piano, but I didn't really use them productively. 

The exams started last week. I study a bit. Not everyday, and I can only get myself to study in study halls organised by my university. 

What to I do the entire day/night? I sit in front of the computer; I watch Youtube and Netflix, I torrent movies and series, I visit sites such as 9gag and I game a lot. I almost only play one game: League of Legends. It seems that I pass my time using the computer in ways that are not mentally/intellectually challenging. I had learned LoL suffiently in the past to be able to play it, but I never improved during all the hours spent. I may be more addicted to screens/computers/the internet/the nonpersistent relaxing feeling of doing nothing challenging, than to the games themselves. 

There are other things I want to do, like learning to program (for which I am in the right place), reading sciencefiction books like 1984 and the Foundation series, and even play piano.

I decided to completely stop playing piano when i decided I wouldn't study piano. Now I miss it, but I don't have the will power to walk the 300 meters or less to the place at my university. Actually I won't even remember that option, most likely because my thoughts are so stuck to the pc.

I have almost no friends. One friend I have has many better friends than me, and only contacts me because he wants to help me get a hold on my life. He was the one that got me to go to the university's study halls/libraries. That's what good friends do I guess, but it is sad that we don't do anything together. The other friend also games but never contacts me. I almost never contact him. He has better friends. We do almost nothing together. 

My parents got me a student room at a residency of my university this year for the first time, after what happened last year. I guess because they want me to make have more social contact with other people and to do more, as I have to buy stuff, do the laundry etc. myself. 

My sleep schedule is terrible. At the moment I go to sleep at 11:30 am and wake up at 5:30 pm (17:30). My eating habbits are terrible, sometimes I only eat bread with peanut butter for a few days. During many 'days' I don't speak with any real person and spend more than 13 hours using the pc.

I have the tendency to feel like there is so much wrong, that there is no point trying to improve, because after improving one thing, I'll still have my entire life of problems (minus that one likely insignificant thing). Many people say I am smart and  have great potential, and I skipped a class in primary school, but I can't seem to use what I have (that's how others say it). 

Thank you for reading this far. If you did, I don't expect a response. In fact I don't expect anything, as it seems unfair to expect more from others than yourself. 
I have the feeling people hate me for the way I am, and I tend to agree, I do live like an idiot, with no sense of purpose or direction.

[Random]

Hey,
I agree with you, you do live like an idiot. I live like an idiot too. It's simply idiotic to live like we do. But we can try to be less stupid.

I have the tendency to feel like there is so much wrong, that there is no point trying to improve, because after improving one thing, I'll still have my entire life of problems (minus that one likely insignificant thing).

I can relate to this way of thinking. But it doesn't make sense. Why would you want to keep repeating the same patterns that you have already tested and know that will lead to unhappiness and mostly depressing life? You have to think, did the idiotic lifestyle bring you happiness in the past. It didn't for me, seems like it hasn't served you that well either, so the only option is to start changing things and testing what kind of life would bring you more feelings of happiness.

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results".

[Schwing]

Thank you for this post @ananabanana

There is a lot to address here so I shall try and be brief but probably fail knowing me.

I believe people are right about you- you are a bright individual and just because you made this post shows your potential to thrive. You just have to start believing it. I feel rather inclined to bombard you with self help resources but I think it is important for you to just make the first step- and that is journalling on this site. Journal every day. Track your progress. Find meaning in your life. Develop habits and never break them. When you have the self reflection and connective attributes of this site on your side you beat the shit out of your problems; one by one until you reach the big boss.

You have said you tend to 'rationalise' that there is no use in self improvement as your other problems will only overshadow your progress. This isn't how shit works. Every time you beat something you get stronger- that's what videogames made us feel within ourselves but we didn't see it in real life. Be grateful for your pain; be grateful for shit because, my friend, suffering is here for a reason- to make you stronger. There is a big boss in your life. It hinders you on your path. Crush it. And if you cant crush little things and then come back and crush it. My father was a huge part in my pain. I contacted him just last week (around 70 days without gaming). Just last week my perspective has almost completely shifted. This is about so much more than just quitting games. Nothing comes about instantaneously. 

You seem to think you aren't good enough for other people. That is a lie. Your friend cares for you because he sees something in you- he doesn't just do it for his ego's sake. I am speaking to you because I care about you. Because I have been through the same shit and I give a fuck about you. Every single person on this site cares about you even if they don't reply to your posts. Immerse yourself in this site. Open yourself up to new ideas. Start small and keep at it and then BOOM.

Now my rant is almost over. What I said here may seem just like text to you. You need to start feeling ideas within yourself and most importantly- understand yourself. Do not be at the whim of your negative emotion.

Here is one thing I found some time ago that helped me tremendously. You will find many more things like this on your path. Good luck, friend.

https://www.youtube.com/user/elliottsaidwhat

[Cam Adair]

Welcome! Happy you're here with us!

[ananabanana]

Hey

Thank you for reading my post and thank you for your advice. After reading your replies, watching some Game Quitters videos and thinking a bit, I've decided to quit gaming (again). I have tried to quit gaming permanently in the past, but I have always relapsed. This time I'll 

In order to do that I need to do some things differently

I will keep a daily journal of my experiences and thoughts. I will be honest. I will post there at least once a day for the next 30 days. I will start my daily journal sometime during the next 24 hours and with the guidance of the Respawn guide. (I have purchased Respawn quite a while ago and followed it vaguely. Now I'll actually do the things it suggests, like posting my reasons to stop gaming on the forum.Especially so I actually think about the things I do and not do.)

I guess this the last post I'll make here? I'll start a journal today, and start the counter February first. 

One thing that needs the most attention, is my life style. Apart from gaming, I sleep 5 hours during the afternoon, eat only sometimes, and almost only bread with peanut butter. Now for example, I feel exhausted, though I have done nothing today/tonight. I have woken up at 19:00 o clock and have been awake until now, 7:00 in the morning. I have been sitting in front of the computer watching youtube, downloaded series and browsing internet. I have only eaten a kebab at about 22:30. (Okay I'm probably just hungry, shops open soon so I can go by stuff.) Can you possibly help me with that? 

I should probably mention that:

    1 I live in a dorm room and my parents pay all my expenses. That said I have almost no contact with the other students here. 

    2 I have been tested psychologically (because I myself suspected I have autism, mostly to be able to clarify the awful way I live) very recently, and will receive the the outcome / diagnosis of that shortly, somewhere during the next few weeks. I already have a therapist which I have been seeing for over half a year.  

I'll link to the journal as soon as I start it. 

[ananabanana]

I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier, but I had an exam yesterday for which I wanted to study. I failed anyways, mostly because I was exhausted at the time of the exam because of a lack of sleep and a bad sleep cycle.

Also: What is the point of even trying / living if you can't even wake up in the morning. This is a huge problem for me.

Edited January 31, 2017 by ananabanana

[Mad Pharmacist]

Greetings from Mad Pharmacist!

I read your whole entry and I think there is remedy.

1. Start your journal RIGHT NOW. Don't hesitate, because everytime you're skipping it your will power is tumbling down! I'll say you this one only once and you can keep it or throw it away. I don't care, because you have to decide it for yourself, and if you don't want any help I'm not able to support you.
2. Grab a copy of Respawn written by @Cam Adair (he's gonna be grateful for that ) and don't even hesitate - in this action step ebook you've got every step you need to take at the beginning. It helped me once, so it can help you. I'll even give you a link to respawn here to purchase it. It's not an ad, it's just recommendation of treatment for you right now. http://gamequitters.com/respawn/
3. Commit to 90 days detox! You need a solid fundament if you want to quit playing video games.

These are 3 action steps for you. I'll wait 24 hours for you to accomplish it, and we'll see how determined you are

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[ananabanana]

@Random @Schwing @Cam Adair @hycniejsy

Thank you for helping me. Here is my daily journal: Daily journal: Banana edition. I've already made my first post.

[ananabanana]

I can relate to this way of thinking. But it doesn't make sense. Why would you want to keep repeating the same patterns that you have already tested and know that will lead to unhappiness and mostly depressing life? You have to think, did the idiotic lifestyle bring you happiness in the past. It didn't for me, seems like it hasn't served you that well either, so the only option is to start changing things and testing what kind of life would bring you more feelings of happiness.

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results".

Thank you for stating what is obviously true to almost everyone, but what I had forgotten @Random.

I look up to you, because this is the kind of logic and way of thinking I want to have.  

[ananabanana]

@Schwing Basically the same as what I said in my previous post. Thank you.

@hycniejsy Thank you for setting me on the right track for my journey!

[ananabanana]

@Cam Adair 

Hey Cam, do you remember our skype conversation we had on Wednesday, January 27th 2016? I didn't really have much to say back then and I believe I have already changed a bit since then. I just wanted to let you know I'm fully committing this time!

[Cam Adair]

@Cam Adair 

Hey Cam, do you remember our skype conversation we had on Wednesday, January 27th 2016? I didn't really have much to say back then and I believe I have already changed a bit since then. I just wanted to let you know I'm fully committing this time!

Yes I remember!