My Official Journal- Ben W

[Wolf]

I'm new to this whole forum thing, so I didn't realize my journal is supposed to be on a single post, or thread. 

So here it goes, 

Day #2 in Journal:

Hello, 

  So far it isn't nearly as difficult today as it was the past previous two. Not necessarily easy, but I feel like I'm invested now in a different area, or rather focused on something else, and now really even enjoying it. Reading books are nice, and soon I should be going on an hour long walk. I find boredom sort of fades away when you are drawn in another direction, when you have something else your interested in, when you just take it one moment at a time and not always rushing to be "entertained", just stopping to think and breathe and simply live. I like this. It's peaceful and brings me some sort of contentment. How come we are so conditioned to always go? Buy this, go there, do that. I'm just seeing the bliss of simplicity we have in everyday life, and it's beautiful. I also find I can draw strength in my time of struggle from knowing there is an entire group of people like me, struggling over this whole video games thing. I want to say thank you to all of you before me for the struggle you've gone through, because it helps me with my struggle. I hope all of you have a day that's as bright as the sun 

03 Float On.m4a

[Wolf]

 I'm in the process of terminating my Steam account.

 

Edited December 3, 2016 by Ben W

[Wolf]

Take 2 of day 2.

   A little while ago I was getting intense cravings. Like really badly, I just thought it would be alright to go lose myself in the Video Games once again. There was just a certain song that I heard that made the temptation even stronger, but it just went away after awhile. I thought "no, Im not going to do this", and I guess soon after it just went away. 

    I want to be prepared for these sort of things, but I don't know when they'll come. Ultimately though, I believe these cravings come from where I direct my thoughts. Maybe if I just shut the thought down immediately it'll just go away again, but I'm not sure. It is pretty late, and maybe that has something to do with the craving arriving. Any tips on an urge to play games late at night would be nice. If not, i'll just have to figure it out. I'm out.. 

 

[SuperSaiyanGod]

Here's my tip - don't be awake at night. In my case that's the basis for all recovery and all discipline.

[Wolf]

Day 3.

Woa. I didn't even realize that it's already been three days of no gaming. 

      The time seemed to be only a day. 

  I don't really know what I feel about that, but I know that I am more determined to keep pressing forward. I feel like this change in my life is long overdue, as if it's a change for the better without a doubt, I feel like I will be stronger and more of a man after this too. More determined and strong to achieve and overcome whatever I wanna achieve and subdue.

  I know not all of you believe in Jesus Christ, but I'm still gonna add this portion to my journal, as it IS my journal lol. 

    One of the things that made me so depressed in the past was knowing God didn't want me to be doing this with my life. Sitting there fixated on a screen wasting away. Not to mention every time I started playing games I just ignored God and stopped doing anything I normally would, praying and reading as well everything else lol. But now that i've buried the games, and put them behind me I'm able to focus on God more and really begin that relationship again, and I'm very thankful for that. I still will give God all the credit for the past three days as He is really the reason I quit gaming, but I will thank you Cam for the movement that you started and continue and all of your support and everybody elses, I see you all as a God send, a beautiful community God has led me to.

   I feel more whole and at peace with who I am. Peace seems restored to my soul once again, as has joy returned to me and it is beautiful.

The only thing that can stop me from continuing on is myself now. But I hope with my relationship being restored with God and everybody here at GQ I will progress and will not slow down, but only move faster.

(Hopefully no one was offended with anything I said about God and such, as I know that offends people, but I meant no harm) 

Thank you. 

  

[Wolf]

Thank you Super. Staying off the computer late at night might help too.

[MmmWatermelon]

Hi Ben,

when you just take it one moment at a time and not always rushing to be "entertained", just stopping to think and breathe and simply live. I like this. It's peaceful and brings me some sort of contentment. How come we are so conditioned to always go? Buy this, go there, do that. I'm just seeing the bliss of simplicity we have in everyday life, and it's beautiful

Yes! I think you are so spot on . I encourage you to feel free to express whatever you feel called to in your journal, it is yours like you said after all, if anyone who is choosing to read it doesn't like it for any reason, they are free to move on...

At the beginning of my detox when trying to renormalize my sleep schedule I found it really helpful to listen to some kind of guided relaxation or meditate before going to sleep. I really like this Yoga Nidra guided relaxation: Yoga Nidra Youtube link, and I think this or Headspace meditation would be denominational and in complete harmony with any system of belief you have and could even be a basis for getting in touch with that on a regular basis? I'd be curious what you think.

[Wolf]

  Wow. Thank you for being so humble and kind. Seriously lacks in some places these days.

  I listened to some of the "Yoga Nidra", it sounds nice. I may listen to it one of these days, but usually when I'm in that mood I just want to go to sleep lol, the person talking will keep me awake. However I do enjoy something kinda similar I guess.

  Most of the time I listen to a youtube channel called "Sleep Stream" https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ7veBq-QMSXKO8jLzbpXyg, they have many different videos with different sounds and music mixed in. Here's the kind of video I like to listen to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lE8JPU1AA6s With these I can just sort of drift into sleep. 

  As for getting into touch with that on a regular basis, I assume your talking about the stopping to think and breathe thing? For me that comes more through prayer, reading, and meditation. However, hopefully I will do this more throughout my day, especially just slowing down and pausing to think throughout the day.

Thank you for your comment Watermelon. It's nice to have some feedback.

PS: How is your detox going?

[WorkInProgress]

Hey good Job on starting this. i personally don't believe in a God but don't let anyone keep you from your faith if you posess it. Faith is a great way to give your life a meaning and serve others as well. it is great that you have it, especially if it gives you peace. Don't worry about what you are writing in your Journal. One reason why journalling helps a lot with the detox is that it is a safe place where you can reflect about things that are important to you. Don't think too much about how you could offend other People reading this. People will always be offended. That's their Problem not yours

[Wolf]

True. lol

[Wolf]

Day 5.

    So I missed a day in the journal yesterday. Mainly because by the time I got back home from shopping I was just exhausted. I walked all the way from the store with groceries as I have no car. It sucked. When I got home I cooked pizza, and watched "Stranger Things" for about 3-4 hours(slipped up a bit in that aspect), by the time I realized I should stop watching this now I was pretty exhausted and finished the night with some thinking and reading.

    Today I went to a job interview. I'm pretty sure I've got it in the bag, and they should be calling me back tomorrow. Ooh yea! I got this cool fitness ball too. Fill it with air and do crunches and such, or just sit on it lol. I tend to do that more than exercise with it so far. I really want to read today too. Currently I'm reading two different books, on top of the Bible also. I definitely have my work cut out for me.

    As for Cravings, not much really. I've enjoyed occasionally watching my brother play a boxing game, but as for playing it I haven't really been "craving" to do so. I have been trying to keep my mind focused on things. Although I don't really have a lot of activities filling my day. Exercise, reading, and thinking take up most of my time, also surfing the web now and then, sometimes I just have to make myself get away from the computer because I know I'm spending too much time on it.

   I certainly feel more clear headed and energized now that video games don't consume 3/4ths of my time. I am indeed enjoying this side of living, and I don't intend on backing down from it. I do believe my focus on God is helping me in this process as there is a lot to consider and ponder, and I now have a sense of well-being which helps me stay calm and collect. And time seems to be slower too, or maybe it doesn't I don't really know, in this moment considering time I feel like it is slow but on my second or third day it seemed that it was flying. Anyways I am just rambling now. Bye!

[Cam Adair]

Hey Ben, great job on keeping your journal and on your job interview! 

[Wolf]

Thanks man!

[Wolf]

Day 6.

    Last night I had extreme cravings to play games, I was sitting at my computer fixing to download a game or something, but I think Steam making me reinstall it kept me from going through it and actually doing it. I ended up coming across some videos that sort of averted my attention, and encouraged me, and by that time I was like "Meh, I don't feel like it". Me being so tired might have also had something to do with it lol. 

    Also, I got the job! I am super psyched! It will be my second REAL job. Well I did work at Kmart before but I don't really count it, it was so long ago. But anyways, this job is awesome because I'll be getting payed 10.00 an hour, which is great compared to my 7.50 from my last job. Cannot wait!! I'm excited actually, and I'm ready to be busy and make some money too. 

   And I might have lice. Which sucks. But it's not because I'm super dirty or anything, I try to stay pretty clean, as you can see in my photo. I think I got it from staying at a certain house, which is unfortunate. I guess that's what I get lol. I bought a $20 lice kit, and I still didn't really find much aside from tons of dandruff(which is from the cold temperatures I think), I did see some small little white specks on my PC headphones, which kinda makes me think I do. I also have a hard time sleeping as I itch alot when I'm sleeping, and I feel like somethings crawling on me sometimes too. But I'm hoping it's just hair doing it's thing. Really hoping I don't have lice because I think me treating them was a poor attempt since I did it myself, despite the $20 kit. However, in hopes that it's just dry scalp, I bought some Head & Shoulders and I really hope it solves the issue because this is going to suck tremendously if I have lice.

  Aside from that I didn't work out today due to what is written above^, but I did get a good morning breakfast in, biscuits and gravy, coffee, a banana, and plenty of water. But yea, that's pretty much my life for the past day and a half. Pleasant isn't it? Lol. Seriously though this lice thing is driving me absolutely insane in the membrane.

Ta-Ta for now! 

[Cam Adair]

Congrats on the job. That's huge! 

[Wolf]

Day 7.

     Wow. Today will have made it a week solid of no games. I feel more happy, and at peace with where I am at now without video games, and with my Faith restored in Jesus than where I was with video games. I feel more lively, and full of energy ready to live life more head on. Life seems to be really beginning to pick up for me, of course all glory I give to God, I can see His hand in everything. With being given a new place to stay, given a new church to go to that is free of legalism, being given a new job that pays $10.00 an hour, and a school that I can attend to learn some sort of good paying skilled trade. All of that certainly shows me God is working in my life tremendously, it's hard to see all of that when I am filled with depression and video games.

     As for today I didn't do much, I spent time attending to the possible lice issue again, studying, and soon(however a late start it was)I hope to read more, but first eat some dinner and exercise. Tomorrow is my first day at my new job, and I'm only trying to stay positive lol.

    I'm hungry so I'm gonna cut this one short, and I don't really know what else to type for today haha. Ta-Ta For Now!

Edited December 9, 2016 by Ben W

[WorkInProgress]

Good job wiht week one. That is a tremendous achievment. Be proud of yourself. You made this happena nd you can make a lot more happen in the future. Remember to stick to things that do you wella nd evade the things who are making your life worse. I am glad life is good for you right now-

[Wolf]

Day 8.

        Unfortunately I guess the Day 7 journal didn't get posted, or somehow got deleted. Whoops lol.(Or I guess I there's another page lol)

  Today was my first day at the new job. It went pretty well I'd say. It can only get easier from here right? Hopefully, but as along as I apply myself I believe I can succeed at anything, or most things lol. 

    As for progression in my life without video games, I haven't had many cravings at all really, except on day 6 which is a blessing. With my faith restored in Jesus, and my mind focused on the right things(God, study, good things, life without games)I can honestly say my life is more full and rich with video games out of my life. I thank God for everything I'm being blessed with here, and the change taking place in my life daily. God has blessed me with a trade school I can attend in the upcoming fall(hopes), a beautiful Bethel church, and job paying 10.00 dollars an hour, and just peace in life. I don't even want to return to video games, honestly I just want to forget about them, but I know I have to remember how miserable and empty that life was, it was like a slow death, like slow drowning or something, no.. it's closer to dying while your asleep because you're numb to the life around you, numb to people around you, numb to love, numb to what is truly reality. If I ever have a kid(which I hope to one day, hopefully a son) I'm going to teach him why videogames are not as fun as they seem, and in turn not let him play them of course. I'll try to teach him true meaning in life, love, and purpose, what life is really about and it certainly isn't about having the maximized fun you can have when you have no responsibility aside from school or work. There is more to understand, see, touch, taste, do, and experience here in this beautiful place we are given to live in than a reality that is not truly a reality, but rather a lie, a false reality. 

   Yea. Life is beautiful by it's self, well, I realize now I like life just the way I like my coffee, by itself(well lol, I like Starbucks too), without all these other artificial "lives". Maybe I should take one step back, and just say I prefer real sugar instead of Splenda. 

Anyways I hope you all have a beautiful night!(oh yea can we get more emojis?lol) Bye!

    

Edited December 9, 2016 by Ben W

[Wolf]

 

Good job wiht week one. That is a tremendous achievment. Be proud of yourself. You made this happena nd you can make a lot more happen in the future. Remember to stick to things that do you wella nd evade the things who are making your life worse. I am glad life is good for you right now-

Ty brother! I am happy too! Fire is indeed burning in this life for me right now, and I hope it never burns out!

[Cam Adair]

Haha losing a journal entry is part of the initiation of our community. Happens to all of us.

[Wolf]

Haha. Once we reach page 2.

[Wolf]

Day 10.

   Sorry I didn't get to type day 9 journal unfortunately. I spent most of the day after work trying to deal with the lice issue. I'm tormented by these things, seriously, like tormented. And on top of it I'm trying to work a job(worried I might spread that at my workplace is even scarier), and the job is tough, I really have to learn how to go fast and act on my own.

   I'm trying to hold it together over here as much as possible. I'm really having a tough time over here, even just trying to think clearly and not be stressed out is difficult. I don't really know what to do, not only all that stuff but I'm having a tough time with the place I am currently staying at, away from where I've been living for so long in this new place, trying to work a job and then contracting one of the most annoying scary things(aside from cancer, and STDs and other stuff i guess lol), I need to pay rent so I can't really just quit my job as I'm broke. Things have been taking a severe turn for the worst after the job started, I feel like God is telling me to basically hold on and things will be better, I'll be stronger after this and I just have to keep faith and keep moving forward. To others this may not seem like such a big deal, but lice are really a big issue because It's not easy to get rid of them. I've spent about 30 dollars(emphasis on broke) now in total on these things trying to kill them and I  still have them. Ug. Maybe this is all just complaining and I shouldn't be typing about this anyways.

  As for playing video games, you can imagine it has been difficult since my circumstances have caused me immense stress and lack of sleep. I've been tempted a lot lately, I even had dreams about playing video games, but I'm holding on as hard as I can(my Steam account is cancelled anyways, it took me being quite blunt and rather rude too to even get them to shut it down, which I am not proud of), I know going back to playing video games seems fun and like a stress reliever to take my mind off of my present issues, but they will do nothing but that, help me to take my mind off the issue, they won't fix my problem and playing games certainly won't get my mind straight.

  If anybody prays here, please do because I am having a very troubling time right now.

I'm done.

[WorkInProgress]

Hang in there. Now it pays of that you thought of hard ties beforehand and actually put the right measures and deleted steam. Good job with that. I am sure it sucks to have that lice. Can't really imagine how this feels. I read a little about different treatment methods. It seems like they live in your hair and are hard to comb out. Maybe you could just shave your head? I did this a few weeks ago (just because I wanted to) and was very pleased with the result. I am having a millimeter cut these days and now my hair is always in order , drys fast and I get compliments about my new look all the time. I think especially for men this is a very acceptable look in todays society, so this could be a way to get rid of these little monsters in a fast and effective way. Either way I hope you master your challenges men. Maybe I don't pray but I definite wish you the best.

[Wolf]

Thank you for the wishes. Yea, I've been a pretty common head shaver myself but most of the time I have someone else shave it, as I don't have my own shaver. I put olive oil on my head last night, and wrapped it with saran wrap, I think most of them are dead, but I will continue to treat for about a week or so.

[Wolf]

Day 11.

           The struggle continues. I've been pretty lazy here lately, I haven't been taking my cold showers, or working out, or even reading much at all. I hope to get back into all of that very soon. The lice issue continues, but I'm fixing to treat very soon again. Work was nice, not nearly as busy and I'm fixing to get into a motion of things I think.

          I'm not too sure what to type aside from those things. As for cravings, not many, well i guess not right now, last night I did watch some PSVR gameplay but I didn't have an urge really to play anything(if I did it wasn't very strong), although it looked fun. I failed at no fap recently, which I'm ashamed and regretful of, I hate waking up from sexual dreams..ug. Recently I've been more tempted to watch longboarding/skateboarding videos and various YT videos, and just surfing the web brainlessly. I don't enjoy doing this, it's nice for a little while to watch some Netflix or something to just chill but I really have to get outta that habit of just sitting there for 2-3 hours on the computer. I've really been wanting to go longboarding but it's bitter cold outside(which wouldn't bother me much) as well as about a foot+ of snow. Why!? That's one thing I've really been wanting to do as It's sort of a hobby of mine, so I'm kinda disappointed about that. Anyways, i need to get off of here. Bye!

End of #11 Journal Entry.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Ben W