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Healing Journal: Day one


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A journal acts as your deepest confidant, to whom you are able to share your deepest shame, anger, and frustration. It is by verbalizing in exact and specific terms that which is frustrating you over time and being specific in the role that it has in your life that you can start healing.

It is hard to heal when you have a vague or general idea what is bugging you. It is when you are able to describe in words, using highly specific language, that you are able to pinpoint the exact cause.

Your journal then is a source of healing. Healing is a necessary component for moving towards happiness. When we put all our energy on something negative, we only help to accelerate its growth. In other words, we get more of what we don’t want.”

Something I have known but refused to listen to for years until recently is that writing things down is one of the most constructive things you can do for yourself, especially if you are trying to change your life.

Today was a great day. It technically is my second day without games, however I felt as though today was more *official*. I added a program to my browser called StayFocusd which blocks sites that I may go on, including steam (the way I game), youtube, twitch and more. I also listed all of my old Xbox games for sale on Kijiji, hopefully someone else will find use in them. I also updated my actual healing journal which consists of the things that stress me out and ways I can deal with them. Perhaps I could post them one day, but for now they are a work in progress. I even registered for orientation today for my university, so hopefully this addiction doesn't gnaw on me when I begin classes. I was blessed to say hello to Cam, and a few other individuals in this thriving community and hope to meet many more. Thank you for stopping by, and this concludes Day one of my healing Journal.

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*Disclaimer* This may be a pretty big read!

Healing Journal: Day 2

To begin, I would like to say my first goal is to stop posting so darn late, but today was pretty busy.

before I get into my day, I thought I should post my official goals for this experience:

- Finishing the document of my healing journal (more on this later)

- Fix my sleep schedule

- Create a daily/ weekly schedule, and stick to it.

- Prepare myself for University (Two Weeks!!!)

- Deal with personal psychological problems (won't go into detail if that's okay)

- Get back into weightlifting and try to eat healthier

- Get back in touch with my family, and faith

- This one is obvious, but complete the 90 Detox!

There's more, but this is good enough for now!

With those out of the way, I can talk about how my day was. So It began with me driving with my parents, and talking to her about the steps I am taking to change my self and my "healing process". They were supportive and said I could rely on them for support which is great. 

The day took a downturn when my Father said that the wifi would be down for many hours. This left me extremely tempted to play some video games, but I kept reminding myself about the importance of staying strong and luckily did not play any video games today. Luckily my friends saved me by asking me if I wanted to workout with them. After our workout, we hung out and had some ice cream and while counter intuitive, we did have a fantastic time (one day at a time I guess). Being with those people made me realize how anti social I could be, and how important this journey really was. I'm upset however that I will have to drive one of my friends to the airport on Saturday, as he was only visiting for vacation.

To conclude today was great, but there was one thing I wanted to talk about before I finished. I was wondering if any of you guys would be down to use the chat option on the site. I occasionally join it to see if anybody wanted to chat but alas, no one did. I understand people are busy, but I genuinely want to communicate with the group of people that are experiencing the same journey I am. So yeah, message me or leave a comment if that interests you. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a fantastic night. And with that said, this concludes day two of my healing journal.

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Seems like you have had a great day ever thought about taking up reading? Helps when things like the wifi is down! If you need a book read the alchemist by Paul  C. very good book, even if you are not spiritual you should read it tells of finding a boys destiny! By the way do you want links to learn programming?

Thank you for your Recommendation! I have been meaning to take up reading again, but it hasn't happened. As for the programming I would love to see those links, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. Just message me or post them here. Much appreciated!

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Healing Journal: Day 3

Well shoot (still unsure if I'm allowed to swear on this platform), I guess I haven't learned from yesterday  and am still posting late. I have always been a night owl, but it can be lonely on this site around now. 

Today was just as eventful as yesterday. I drove my younger sis to the mall and we saw sausage party today (really raunchy, but funny), and my father and I golfed. He wants me and him to get lessons from the guy that sold us our golf balls which is really exciting. I wanted to compress that info as much as possible as I don't want ten thousand paragraphs a post.

I haven't gotten any bites for selling my old games which upsets me. I'm going to try again, hopefully with better luck (if anybody has any suggestions about what to do with them feel free to suggest!).

I was tempted to game again, but powered through today as well. It's not easy, and I'm hoping my cravings die down sooner than later. 

Before i leave, I thought I would leave some more goals I had for myself:

- Learn how to critique films better (I'm kind of a film buff)

- Pickup reading again

- spend at least an hour a day off of electronics

- Be less antisocial

With those all said and done, I hope you all have a great evening and want to thank Cam for getting me into this. Wouldn't be here without you man. And that concludes day three of my healing journal.

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Healing Journal Day 4:

This is a late post to yesterday as I had yet another busy day until late at night, and had to sleep as early as possible to drop off my friend, Mahmoud to the airport. So I just got back, and while I'm upset that he's gone, me and him had a fantastic time spending time together and hope to see each other soon.

Mahmoud and I spent the day hanging out, and golfing and was suppose to meet another friend at an arts festival where we could watch street performances and plays, however he couldn't make it until much later. We were still able to have dinner with him and overall had a good time.

Because I was busy today (well yesterday...) I didn't think about gaming at all which is great, as the last few days have been difficult for me to avoid temptation, still going strong! I even told Mahmoud about my journey of quitting games, and avoiding the internet more and he was extremely fascinated and happy for me. Its good to know people are supporting me through this. But as the days go by, the more I realize how big of an addiction this really was. So here's hoping I get through the 90 day detox (only 85 days to go :/)

And that's all that I can say for Day 4, I will be posting day 5 at the end of the day (hopefully not too late!) and thanks for reading this and hope you have a fantastic day. And that  concludes day 4 of my healing journal

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*Note* There will be no post for day 5, as nothing really happened, other than a bit of shopping, but rest assured, my slate is still clean :)!

Healing Journal Day 6: 

Wow. Today was awesome.

I never mentioned my girlfriend yet, but we saw each other today. We went to the farmers market, and I taught her how to gold, then we had dinner at her place.

A bit about her:  Her name is Jazlynn (its unique, i know), she's a little over a year younger than me, she's vegan, and like me, loves to act, we've been together for a year and a half, and is the sweetest and greatest girl I've ever met. She's in full support, and at times, helps me when it comes to my gaming addiction.

I'm extremely happy, as I was able to sell all 26 of my video games from my Xbox and made a lot of cash, and I'm meeting a guy tomorrow to sell another computer game. This makes me really happy, as i'm starting to be in a pretty tight spot for money, and It's almost impossible to get a job in my city as the economy in Canada is in a tight spot.

My hope is to sell some other things that I used for gaming such as:

- My expensive microphone, and an older version of the same mic.

- My graphics card (that costed a fortune)

- My computer games

With the money I earn, I want to use it in order to support my goals, gas money, and some little luxuries such as this really cool plant I want in my room that's leaves close up if you touch them (its cooler than it sounds)

That's really all I did today, but tomorrow, and this week is looking to get more busy. Tomorrow I'm going to buy the cool plant (it's cheap too!), and then I have to head to my university to pick up my ID which gives me access to free transit, and the buildings (including a gym!) and like said earlier, gotta sell that computer game. 

My life seems to be shaping up since this week and am glad I get to share this experience with everyone here. Thanks for stopping by, and that concludes day 6 of my healing journal.

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Healing Journal Day 7:

Today was an off day, but overall it was okay.

I went to pick up my Id at the university which is great as i was able to take the train and bus home free of charge. However that turned out to be a bad decision as I met a co- worker from my first job of three years ago. While this wasn't so bad as he was the only individual I liked there, the experience as a whole was awful, and I was treated really poorly. What made this a bad experience was he told me about an individual who I always found bitchy to me there, and he told me she apparently spread some really horrible allegations against me, and that some people started making rumors as a result. This sucked as I had no prior knowledge to this, and while I kept my cool on the bus chatting with him, I was devastated when I got home. Nobody wants to find out false rumors were spread about them if they did nothing wrong and they were only trying to be nice.

I later went shopping with my father which lightened my mood since we got my plant. It's known as the Sensitive plant or the Mimosa pudica (i'd recommend seeing a video on their behavior, they are really cool!). However I was sad when I went to the bank to deposit the money I made yesterday, as I discovered that some money had been misplaced/lost. Not to mention I wanted to go golfing, but we couldn't because of the rain.

At this point I was pretty upset with everything that happened, and a few more things happened that I would rather not mention (let's just say it's worked out now between us) which caused me to break. Now I'm the kind of person who won't get angry that often, but when I do, its horrible for anyone, and everyone involved. It's one of those things I have been meaning to work on in the psychological side of myself. This made me really upset with myself and everything else, and if i'm honest, made me want to game more than ever before.

Luckily, my father was able to calm me down, and even drove me around town and walked with me to ensure I was okay.

This leads me to my next goal:

- Be more upfront with my parents/ the people I love

I think this is important, as my whole life I have had issues confessing things because of the fear of consequence and unexpected surprises, but if my father has been anything, it has been a person that's there for me.

I now write this as my calm self again, and thank this day for happening for acting as a test of myself, and my addiction, which reminds me, I HAVEN'T GAMED IN OVER A WEEK.  It feels as if it's been longer, but a lot has happened this week so that's probably why I feel this way.

To conclude, this wasn't easy to confess to public eyes, but if this community has taught me anything, it's that i have a platform where I can be my honest self, and receive support no matter what difficulties I go through. And I want to genuinely thank anyone that reads these. It may not seem a big deal, but it means a ton to me. If anybody does care, I'm going to update my bio, with a deeper description of myself. 

So yes, today was a reminder that off days happen, and that they are a part of life. And that concludes Day 7 (and week 1) of my healing journal.

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Healing Journal Day 10:

Hello all, it's been 3 days since I've posted but no gaming has taken place.

I decided to give more of a general update this time, and may continue to do the same if the last few days have been as slow as these. 

A passion I have had for many years is building Lego structures. I know it's strange for an 18 year old to be building Legos, but its something that is very fun for me to do that isn't gaming, and they are very satisfying to put together and is a fun process, the only downside being they can be expensive to buy. I am currently building a Lego model of the Santa Maria and it's looking really nice.

It's officially one week before I begin university (well six days since i'm posting this midnight ba dum tiss.) and man I have never been more excited, but stressed out at the same time. It's a new part of my life and I'm afraid it may hit me harder than my first year of high school. But with my new habits I am confident that will not happen.

This reminds me of the story of why I wanted to quit gaming in the first place. It was the first year in high school, and I brushed it off as being not such a big deal, and that I would get through it without any scratches. I would game every night very late and forget all about my homework and exams. I was also very overweight at the time, and almost decided to give up on myself and just game my troubles away. It wasn't until late November when reality hit, and I was close to failing my English class. This caused my dad to take out my computer where I did most of my gaming. I was sad, but I didn't oppose his decision at all. What ensued, was me writing a list of all my homework I had to make up for and finish, and my exams I needed to study for (to this day I always have lists of my assignments, and exams). This then caused me to start making monthly goals for myself, and strive to achieve as much as possible in a day. I then started to go running every day to get in shape and start losing weight. A few months pass, and my marks skyrocketed, I was in the best shape of my life losing over 40 pounds, and I was making more friends and talking to people in real life more. Those were quite possibly the best months of my life. While I eventually started gaming again, my fundamentals as a productive human being were still in tact, so I was able to have good grades, and stay in shape (well until very recently, but that was for a different reason entirely), however I was never able to reach that happiness I felt. and  to this day, I strive to achieve it again.

Today I had lunch with my dad, and a nice friend of his, and then I saw a scary movie with my girlfriend. Not much I know, but this is mostly why I have not been posting. I imagine once university starts, this may be my only jewel of sanity.

To conclude, these last few games of not gaming have been okay, but since summer leaves me with little to do, it makes it very tempting, and I probably wouldn't have made it this far without being a part of this community.

Thanks for reading, and that concludes day 10 of my healing journal.

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Healing Journal Day 13:

I've spent the last two days with my girlfriend who has helped me keep my mind off of video games. Despite this, I feel I need to discuss my recent temptations into gaming, but before that, I have added 3 goals for myself:

- Stop watching gaming, related content. (you-tube videos, streams, etc...)

- Start the "no fap challenge" (honestly it was extremely hard for me to say this)

- Find a life coach that will help motivate me to succeed.

I noticed that because I watch a lot of YouTube gaming stuff, and twitch stream, I feel really tempted to game again. I know the obvious answer is to stop watching them, but many of them are entertaining individuals, many of which I have spent years watching, so it feels really strange to stop, but I know this goal will have to happen in order to ensure my detox is really good.

I have almost relapsed many times, so I posted in the forum searching for an accountability partner, and it was disappointing to see that nobody seemed to be interested. I understand this stuff takes time, and I probably do not have much of the criteria many game quitters are looking for. I'm hoping that once my classes start on Thursday, I will no longer have this desire to game.
 

I noticed, that I am beginning to lack a desire to do much of anything. This became clear once I realized I wanted to end dates with my girlfriend to go home earlier, and taking long naps throughout the day, and sleeping a ton at night. I'm sure it's my brain wanting to relax a bit, before it becomes overwhelmed with studying, and work, however I cannot help but feel this way of thinking is unhealthy.

I try to tell myself to do things other than gaming, such as reading, building legos, golfing, and other stuff, but the truth is, I have no desire to do any of these things. If anybody has any advice for me I would really appreciate it.

I hate to end it on a more sad note, but that's all I have to really say for todays journal, so to conclude, I realise I am having more difficulty with this detox than I give myself credit for, and I am losing desire to do much of anything. With that said, thanks for reading, and this concludes day 13 of my healing journal.

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I think if you feeling demotivated to do other stuff this can have several reasons. First thing what comes to mind is the lack of a project or a goal. You seem to lack engaging activities which take effort so you can improve. MAybe classes can fill in this hole but if not I would advice you to start learning a new cool skill and set a goal for yourself. If you become to lethargic every motivation stops. That is kind of normal. Good that you are aware of all these warning signs and reach out for help. This is really important.

On the topic of stop watching game-related YouTube Videos: I watched a ton of this in my past but actually don't miss it at all right now while I don't play games anymore. It may sound frightening at first but it could be easy for you later on. And it will reduce your cravings a lot! Until you get there be reminded that it only for the end of the detox that you try this out. It isn't for eternety. Kind of the Point is to stay strong enough and to prove yourself that you can stick to something for a perlonged period of time. So stay strong my friend! Even if you game and watch stuff after the three months, you'll developed the mindset and the tools to do it again if necessary.

Btw. NoFap was really challenging for me. I settled for the goal not to use porn and just do "it" in Moderation(1-2/week). Seems to work fine for me atleast.

Sadly I can't be an accountability Partner because my time capability is pretty varied and I can't spent to much time here often but if you want we can write pm's from time to time about our goals to motivate each other.

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I think if you feeling demotivated to do other stuff this can have several reasons. First thing what comes to mind is the lack of a project or a goal. You seem to lack engaging activities which take effort so you can improve. MAybe classes can fill in this hole but if not I would advice you to start learning a new cool skill and set a goal for yourself. If you become to lethargic every motivation stops. That is kind of normal. Good that you are aware of all these warning signs and reach out for help. This is really important.

On the topic of stop watching game-related YouTube Videos: I watched a ton of this in my past but actually don't miss it at all right now while I don't play games anymore. It may sound frightening at first but it could be easy for you later on. And it will reduce your cravings a lot! Until you get there be reminded that it only for the end of the detox that you try this out. It isn't for eternety. Kind of the Point is to stay strong enough and to prove yourself that you can stick to something for a perlonged period of time. So stay strong my friend! Even if you game and watch stuff after the three months, you'll developed the mindset and the tools to do it again if necessary.

Btw. NoFap was really challenging for me. I settled for the goal not to use porn and just do "it" in Moderation(1-2/week). Seems to work fine for me atleast.

Sadly I can't be an accountability Partner because my time capability is pretty varied and I can't spent to much time here often but if you want we can write pm's from time to time about our goals to motivate each other.

Thank you fore your kind words, and advice @WorkInProgress. While I like to think I know the necessary steps I need to take, its the action that comes with it. And no worries about you being an AP,. I see you helping all these people on the site. Your work, and support is really appreciated. 

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I noticed that because I watch a lot of YouTube gaming stuff, and twitch stream, I feel really tempted to game again. I know the obvious answer is to stop watching them, but many of them are entertaining individuals, many of which I have spent years watching, so it feels really strange to stop, but I know this goal will have to happen in order to ensure my detox is really good.

You seen this one Moe? Try to find a few new role models to follow instead.

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I noticed that because I watch a lot of YouTube gaming stuff, and twitch stream, I feel really tempted to game again. I know the obvious answer is to stop watching them, but many of them are entertaining individuals, many of which I have spent years watching, so it feels really strange to stop, but I know this goal will have to happen in order to ensure my detox is really good.

You seen this one Moe? Try to find a few new role models to follow instead.

I watched that video, but only back when I was only considering quitting so I didn't really pay attention/ note the video, but my plan is tomorrow I will rewatch it and take notes. Thanks!

Healing Journal Day 14:

I want to start off by saying how pissed off I am for writing up today's journal and then accidentally refreshing the page to lose all that work. Oh well. You know what, no. I'm letting out my first fuck in this journal: FUCK. I'm sorry, it's just that really hit me hard. Let's move on.

Let's start with my day. It consisted of me driving my sister around to a few places, then me practicing my golf swings in the driving range, and then me messaging people who are in first year engineering with me, and people who have already taken their first year. 

Which leads me to my next topic: More goals!

- Apply for scholarships

- Purchase required university textbooks (ideally for cheaper, those things are a fortune!)

I'm really happy that I have surpassed two weeks of no gaming. I feel as though little progress was made however as I still am constantly tempted to game. I feel the difference between this detox, and the two month detox I was in years ago, was In the previous one, I was doing things constantly, and I was always busy, and as a result I never had the desire to game. My hope is that come the beginning of university, and me starting my goals (listing them all below) I know that this summer bummer mentality will soon pass.

Today was a load on my head, I forgot to take some medication I'm required to take (more on this some other day), so as a result, today was really cloudy in my head, and when a ton of stress get's added, my brain can't function. My orientation for university is Wednesday morning, and then my first day of classes follows the next day.

My goal for tonight is to complete a document, that I originally titled my 'healing journal'. The story goes, as one day, I was extremely stressed out, so I created a document, titled healing journal, and I wrote down, every single thing that I needed to do, or that was stressing me out at that moment. I felt good after that because it put things into a better perspective. Eventually things were added, and thins were removed, and I was even able to list my causes of stress under 7 categories. And basically, one by one I was able to research, and do things that will help tarnish that stress. 

An example, is here's what I have for quitting gaming.

Why do I want to quit gaming: I get more things done, and am more happy when I do not game.

How do I quit:

Hobby’s worth considering to replace gaming:

  • Being more religious

  • Research and self improve

  • Excercise/Workout

  • Building Legos

  • Golfing

  • Drama/ Acting/ Monologues

While my goal is to finish the journal for tonight, I doubt this will happen, as there are a lot of things in that journal. Ideally I want to finish it before university starts.

Now I will list all the goals I put for myself throughout my journal's progress: 

- Finishing the document of my healing journal 

- Fix my sleep schedule

- Create a daily/ weekly schedule, and stick to it.

- Prepare myself for University 

- Deal with personal psychological problems 

- Get back into weightlifting and try to eat healthier

- Get back in touch with my family, and faith

- This one is obvious, but complete the 90 Detox!

- Learn how to critique films better 

- Pickup reading again

- spend at least an hour a day off of electronics

- Be less antisocial

- Be more upfront with my parents/ the people I love

- Stop watching gaming, related content. (you-tube videos, streams, etc...)

- Start the "no fap challenge"

- Find a life coach that will help motivate me to succeed.

- Apply for scholarships

- Purchase required university textbooks (ideally for cheaper, those things are a fortune!)

To conclude, I still have a lot of work to do, and am losing more, and more time to do it. Tomorrow's looking to be a biggie. And That concludes day 14 of my healing journal. Thank you all for reading, and have a good night.

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Hey nice Goals! I would advice yout to pick 2 or three you can finish most likely ina reasonable time and put a time Limit on them. A General idea of what to do ( i.e.deal with psychological Problems). But if you put them in a way you can measure your success and put a time limit to them is when the magic happens.

You could start wiht smth. like:

- identify the textbooks I need to buy(until 2.9.)

- check different ways to buy i.e. book trading at University, ebay, Amazon(until 3.9.)

In this way you can plan them into your weekly calendar and reserve some tiem for them. Makes things much easier to accomplish. Don't be too stressed if this things don't work at the start though. Proper planning can be difficult. It is work in Progress ;)

 

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Hey nice Goals! I would advice yout to pick 2 or three you can finish most likely ina reasonable time and put a time Limit on them. A General idea of what to do ( i.e.deal with psychological Problems). But if you put them in a way you can measure your success and put a time limit to them is when the magic happens.

You could start wiht smth. like:

- identify the textbooks I need to buy(until 2.9.)

- check different ways to buy i.e. book trading at University, ebay, Amazon(until 3.9.)

In this way you can plan them into your weekly calendar and reserve some tiem for them. Makes things much easier to accomplish. Don't be too stressed if this things don't work at the start though. Proper planning can be difficult. It is work in Progress ;)

 

That is an extremely good way to go about it. Thanks for the advice!

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Healing Journal Day 16:

Hello all. So I just had my university orientation, and it was over 13 hours long! I want to talk all about it, but I'm really exhausted, and I need to get some sleep since I need to get up at about 6:00AM. But to describe it in one word: FANTASTIC. Thanks all, have a good day, and this will be Day 16 of my healing journal until tomorrow.

So today was officially my first day of engineering at my university, but before I go into detail about that, I wanted to talk about the orientation a bit as it really did have an impact on me.

I went to my orientation an hour early, and as a result I was able to meet a ton of really nice people in my department. I asked them a ton of questions, like what high school they went to, what disipline they were considering, what they enjoyed doing in their spare time and so on. As a result the day consisted of me making a few friends however I hope to make more. All the university students were put into 50 groups, and we were all guided around our campus, had a ton of presentations. The day even ended with a huge event at this stadium my university had where there was music, cheering, games, and dancing. The president of the university even gave a big speech at the very end which made me feel very welcome. To conclude, I went into yesterday really nervous, but after orientation, I have nothing but excitement in my heart. And that concludes day 16 of my healing journal.

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@TheBroMoe Touching back on day 14, the difference between the list of things you have accomplished vs. the list of goals you have for the future is darn impressive. You're getting there man, and it looks like it's more quickly than you might think.

On a side note: as a fellow college student I recommend forgoing buying books from your local bookstore in favor of Amazon (it's good to compare, though). Other good sites to check are Valore and Chegg. Lastly, many classes don't even use the book, so using websites like RateMyProfessor to see if you need it or waiting the first week out to get a better feel for the class can be quite useful.

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