Healing Journal Day 24:
If I could describe today in four words it would be "disappointingly not as planned". I had a lot of goals, and aspirations today, but was hit with many shortcomings, some uncontrollable, most however, were. I'm used to the fact that i'm only human and can only do so much today but if today taught me anything it's that I know I am capable of accomplishing more, yet I've selfishly chosen to do the opposite.
Before I get started, what do I mean by 'accomplishment'? An example of accomplishment (for me at least) is posting on this forum. So essentially if I have a primary set of goals, and I wish to achieve them in a way that will benefit me in the long term, I ask "what can I accomplish today". Going back to the forum example, I know that If I continue to regularly post on game quitters, I will be less tempted to relapse from my 90 day detox. I honestly did not even want to post today because of how ashamed I was, but I thought "Well, if I can accomplish at least one thing a day(being this post), at least it wasn't a day wasted." And while the amount of time, and what you do with that time that is considered 'wasted' is merely subjective, I draw the line in where I objectively look at goals I want to get done, and my success in a day is based on those goals. So to conclude this sandwich of discussion, I did not accomplish much to my objective perspective's liking. Jim Rohn says, "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment." so perhaps that's what I'm missing- discipline. I'll look more into how I can discipline myself effectively this weekend.
While I did not nap today, and intend on sleeping very soon, I wanted to finish a few assignments that are due next week. Primarily an assignment in a course that I so far consider to be the most difficult. A disadvantage to purchasing textbooks online, is while cheaper and holding most concepts the same as newer iterations, teachers like to use the requested new textbooks as a form of assignments, so as a result I reluctantly had to postpone working on it until tomorrow so that I may purchase the correct edition to complete my work. While it's annoying, I understand why this is the way it works.
I also was planning to work out today and I did recover enough to feel capable. However I just caved and went home instead. What makes it worse is that my friends were sort of waiting for me at the gym too. I can only imagine what would happen if they ask where I was tomorrow. Do I lie? Do I make an excuse? The last thing I need is for them to believe I'm a lazy individual and as a result won't rely on me for their support in class, and everything else. This may sound like crazy talk, but this kind of stuff hits me on a day to day basis. It has also caused me to notice I haven't been my true self so far this year, yet who am I really? Was 'myself' the gamer I left almost a month ago, leaving me empty? I'm not sure. Or maybe it's just showing another side of me I never knew I had, or even know If I want.
I surprise visited my girlfriend at her high school where she was directing a play for her school. That's actually how we met, through both of our passion of acting and drama. I unfortunately had to put down this love currently in order to focus on my studies. She was happy to see me, and missed me, but I knew that I should have been working. I instead spent over an hour with her when I should have been at home studying and reviewing. This conclusion makes me sad, as I care to death for her, but I cannot help but feel this interaction to her was a sort of give in to my temptations of no productivity. It makes me more sad because it has even made me consider leaving her in order to focus on my studies, but perhaps time will tell, the last thing I want to do is make a rash decision in a heated time of my life. She knows about my journal, and my progress here and has been nothing but supportive. She may even be my last link to sanity, or more importantly, my true self.
I was able to finish reviewing my grade 12 notes which was a goal of mine, however this accomplishment is short lived when considering I made it a goal to have done that over the weekend. Am i saying I could have done it over that weekend, I do not know, as I got a proud amount done in that time, but it's disappointing to think I had prolonged it to over 3 days later.
I realize this has become a ramble of all of my shortcomings, so allow me to brighten the mood a little. While today seems like a painful representation of where I am now, it only lets me think of what can I do for the future.
I'm currently on the right track when it comes to things, like my schedule, and my work ethic. I genuinely believe I am learning more, and more everyday both in myself, and my outside environment. Writing on this journal not only helps me put things into perspective, but can receive support from other aspiring individuals like myself. I accomplish, and write down more and more goals for myself, and I feel this has made me stronger in every way. I know I'm on the right track, and If I want success in aspects such as University, my health, and my Social life, I will achieve them, the primary factor being I have to want them. I believe that if a person truly wants something, they will not waste a breath in achieving whatever it is to aspire. With that being said, I know I'm not perfect, and today is a reminder of that (that that I needed it...).
So will I bitch, and complain on a forum because one day in my life sucked? Absolutely not. I will evaluate what I can do to improve, and in that sense, today was a good day.
So in conclusion, today was a disappointment for me objectively, but I will always use days like this to my advantage, successful, or not. And I know I will not always be successful, but if this journal has taught me anything, it's that it is not a bad thing. We all desire success, but we cannot help but have off days. So yes, today was an off day, but it was a day that will set pavement for more successful days to come. I thank you dearly if you have read to the end (it may not seem like much, but knowing people read this helps me stay consistent), and that concludes day 24 of my healing journal.