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The Journey Within


Pierce
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As your attorney, I advise you...

... to sleep the sleep. Your immune system only works when sleeping, you only grow when you're sleeping and you regenerate. If you're walking in big shoes, sleep a lot and make small - but certain - steps. It's your last bastion. But fear not, that means nothing.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1dtnBUzewU

Edited by destoroyah
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@destoroyah As my attorney, I'll take your advice very seriously. I also see a lot of existentialism in your speech. I bet there's an interesting story around how that came to be.

173 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 1 Days Meditated

The walls fell and the monsters breached through. It's the fate of weekends and of choosing to sleep in because my body protests springing out of bed. The path of weakness.

When I reach 90 days of being free from an emotional dependency to this device in front of me, I'll know I'll be getting somewhere as a free man. I never saw it before until I tried to quit, how much control these screens have over us. And now because of that I have so much studying to do, and so little time. I remember reading Seneca's On the Shortness of Life a year ago, and writing in my notes that I needed to follow his teaching of clinging to each second of life and wringing it of all its value, with the intensity of a dying man (which I am, but all to often forget). I piddle away my time on trivialities, and then wonder where it's went and why I am under prepared for the tasks at hand later.

I hate that feeling. Hate is a strong word, but I use it correctly. I hate the feeling of being under prepared because I chose the easy way out rather than the hard work I needed. I feel that there are two being within. One that is lazy and hedonistic, and another that represents all that is virtuous to me. An animalistic self and a higher self. Don't get me wrong, the former is essential: he keeps me alive. It is the latter, though, that is improving and bringing me ever closer to the results I want. The feeling of being in alignment with that higher self is beyond comparison. It is the purpose of my life to live as him all the time. For he has the power and the ambition to make the world a better place, whereas I am conflicted and self-serving in my current state. Let's see how in sync with him I can be tomorrow. The path of strength. 

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@destoroyah As my attorney, I'll take your advice very seriously. I also see a lot of existentialism in your speech. I bet there's an interesting story around how that came to be.

I would've never used the word existentialism, as I have never really delved into philosophy professionally. Upon research I found that this view cherishes human existence and authenticity. My attempts to remain authentic whenever possible have been with me for long, the story behind that? Well there is none, it must've been a thousand situations. I try to be as honest as can be and as accurate as possible when depicting myself. Not in my journal of course, that is where I put all that bullshit that I suppress to tell and write up a fantasy. Maybe I was too often lied to, or my parents conveyed the importance of truth.

The self-preserving aspect comes from a time when I doubted my own sanity. I was partying a lot with the wrong people, I was pretty stupid and insecure. Just moved out, to a faraway city, 'cause I thought a little step wasn't "cool" enough. Sure I was "down" before, but now I was on strange weed and it was turning me crazy. Living in a dark apartment with my ex-girlfriend. I was collecting bad habits. I had nothing to fall back on, there was just the routine of sunrise and sunset. I had to start enjoying the simple things in life, like having a bed and a roof and a shower. Just hang in there and conserve what you have, if you push yourself at the wrong time, you might lose something that you've fought hard to encompass. Doubting ones own sanity and looking into a deep dark pit is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. It's as if it draws you in and just looking at it will shroud the world as you know it in black fog forever.

Since then, I have been doing everything possible to calm my heart. Just to get it beat slower. My progress was extremely slow, I had so many things to quit and I wrecked a lot of relationships and friendships on the way. Or got them wrecked by not paying attention. My life has turned boring and lonely in a way, but I'm so glad that it is. I'm so happy when I can just sit around, stare nowhere and feel my heart beat slowly and not agitated. All that shit behind me, never to come back. It's like that feeling of relief you get when waking up from a nightmare, you're just grateful that everything is as is. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with existentialism, but that'd be my interpretation. Thanks for being interested.

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@destoroyah That's some deep stuff man, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It's really inspiring that you pulled through all of that and are that much stronger for it. I've been going down the rabbit hole myself lately (though I don't think nearly at the same intensity as you). It sounds like you're experience has made you a wiser person overall, and I hope the same for myself.

@Csaba_Bekesi It's true, perfection can't be achieved. I'd just be happy if I could have a bit more excellence in my life. I haven't heard of death meditation, but it's piqued my interest. I have been trying to think of myself as already dead, and therefore using that as my motivation behind letting go of petty misgivings and jealousies I have of the people around me. Hey, and it sounds like you're reading is paying off. If you can't remember which author a quote is from because you've learned so many recently, that's a good problem to have.

175 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube, 3 Days Meditated

I'm done with my fist batch of tests as of today. It was sad how poorly prepared I was for three out of five of them, and the other two I was still pretty subpar. I think that's one of the main reasons why I've been down lately. It's hard for a person to be satisfied with life if he can't meet some of the minimum standards he sets for himself. That is of course unless he lets go of the ego and desire. I've been trying to work on those two principles, but I often forget. I am of the void, and when I remember that all of the trivial cares fade away. They can't harm the void.

I know that I am the only one that can rebuild my life. In the words of  Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday, "We're in hell right now gentlemen. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time."

I envision it like Bruce Wayne in the Pit in The Dark Knight Rises. Got beat down to the ground again, got my hope snuffed out for a moment as I saw my dreams being destroyed, but the world doesn't know me if it thinks I'm going to take it. I'll climb out, without the rope, so that the fear of death will be with me as I go up. I climb my way out slowly, but steadily, and in the end I'll be the slow knife that makes the surest cut. I'll rebuild myself. The old is dead, and the new is to come back stronger.

I may not be able to become Batman, but I'll try to get as close as I can. That'll do.

Batman.thumb.jpg.e6a2e03690e05effb91cff8

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Good literary imagery, that was a fun read.

Batman had nice willpower, but Conan also climbed a great height, it wasn't a pit but a tower, and then he beat and robbed the shit out of this weirdass snake dude!

 

Let's go climbing towers soon!

Edited by destoroyah
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@destoroyah Yeah you get it! Batman did have extraordinary willpower. That was his super-power, and that's why he's the best DC/Marvel hero in my book. The parallel I draw between him and Conan is the wheel of pain. If you notice that's the symbol Conan wears around his neck for the rest of the movie until Valeria dies. The wheel is where we grow strong and are prepared for the journey. I'm at the wheel right now, and hope to graduate on to the arena soon. When I get to the point where I can climb towers, which will likely be another decade by my timeline, I'll be sure to hit you up. We'll get you some nice treasure, because I'd do it just  to see that tower burn.

177 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated

Not enough hours in a day. I wake up, go to class, try to study, then it's time to go home before I've felt that I've gotten any work done. I've been getting my tests back and I'm still so far from the mark. The past three years have been a test of how many hits I can take. I must be the Homer Simpson of boxing, being a human punching bag until my opponent is knocked out from fatigue. It's about time I was the one throwing the punches.

Grant me Excellence. If you do not listen, then to hell with you! 

P.S. One positive thing I can say about today is that I remembered about my most powerful asset: the fire. The fire is that feeling when you're taking on a superior force alone, and yet you're the one with the cocky smile and the spark in your eye, and they're the ones that are becoming scared. I need the fire to burn within if I want to succeed.

Edited by Pierce
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178 Days w/o Gaming, 5 Days w/o YouTube, 1 Days Meditated

“First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.” – Epictetus

“Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.” – Seneca

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive.” – Marcus Aurelius

Stoic Sages, grant me the wisdom and strength to live a worthy life. To smile at adversity,  to "meet Triumph and Disaster [and] treat those two imposters just the same", and to work hard towards a goal worth fighting for. To become a better person building a better world.

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True. Gotta keep those options open and not get stuck in one perspective.

179 Days w/o Gaming, 6 Days w/o YouTube, 2 Days Meditated

I'm feeling a lot better and am getting a lot more work done, but I'm still not out of the pit yet. The main stressor is grades. I'm so far from what I need to get into grad school, and my trajectory for this semester is already off from where it needs to be. I'm optimistic, but realistic. Keeping to the grindstone to get the elevation I need so my plane doesn't crash into the mountains. 

Not regretting the past, not having anxiety over the future, but experiencing the present fully one moment at a time.

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Grades are not exactly the easiest of the struggles. But such is higher education. It pushes people. It's the only way it can truly promote growth. Stay strong. 

To take on your own quotation and turn it into my alliterative style: 

 

Ascendance through Adversity

 

^This. Yes. It's been pushing me to the edge more than I ever have before, and it has made me stronger. I've wanted to quit to make to the pain stop so many times (funny, that phrase is one I've used before about addiction, but I'm equating it to my dreams here; interesting), but I haven't. It's time to break out my rocket ship fueled by adversity. I'll see ya'll later.

183 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube, 2 Days Meditated

I almost made it through last weekend, but gave in near the end of Sunday. There was improvement, and there will be even more in the future. I spoke with one of my professors today who is in charge of the Masters program, and he confirmed my suspicions: I have to pull myself out of the GPA pit, and there is a point of no-return (for certain future prospects at least) if I keep on digging myself deeper. This means I'm on death ground. Succeed or die, but retreat is not an option. The light is blinding, but I will continue to walk through it until I make it to the other side.

Stronger, wiser, and more complete. Gotta let the old die so that the new can come to be. That's one of the big laws of biology. The weak's going to go away and some crazy strong niche species are going to fill their space.

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Academics! No matter what they say, it's so hard to listen.

Here in Germany, it's all about passing. I never met a person beyond the first semester to care about grades. There's some pros, asian math geniuses that write an A in math - which is like impossible - but they don't speak the language for shit and they can't think individually. They seem like lost sheep on their own, and beyond that one single thing they're good at - there's nothing. Most people with excellent grades are like that. They are "crazy strong niche species" that suck at everything but their niche.

I know nothing on how to get consistently good grades. I only get them, when the whole semester don't know shit. Grades seem arbitrary to me. I feel like a B, I get a D. I feel like an F, I get an A and vice versa. And sometimes I get what I feel. The exams are all over the place, regarding the difficulty level. And practicing helps, but it's still a shot that can go missing.

My method, apart from studying, is to keep contact with the prof and hope that he likes and understands you, and hope that he understands what you write and then build on his subconscious to give you a better grade. And all that, without sucking up. So raise a hand when he asks a not-obvious question, and maybe raise a hand when you don't know shit to make a guess - when noone else dares to, to break the ice and make the auditorium take part lively in the lecture. But don't be too smart and be humble. Stand by your errors. Show the prof that you learnt something from him. Don't always take the stage. Don't always be super smart. Keep your word and keep it real.

But... I guess studying more is more effective, that up there is just for giggles and depends totally on the type of person you are dealing with. But even with the most evil, don't shy away, look them in the eye, even when you are clueless. Chances are high, they'll never notice, or they know since day 1.

 

PS I started reading "as I lay dying" by faulkner, and I don't understand shit. I guess I'll need to settle with reading it twice and just "scanning" the first time thru. It's sorta whack, I'm a bad reader!

Edited by destoroyah
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@destoroyah Well put. I learn tons of things and then get a poor grade in one class, and get by learning almost nothing in another class, and get the same grade in both. The problem is, admissions boards only have scores, extracurriculars, recommendation letters, and interviews to go on, and the first one is the most objective. I hear that America's system is very unique, because almost all of our tests are multiple choice. There aren't too many ways to show your professors what you've learned when you're a statistic. Still, as cynical as I sound, I know that it takes playing the game to beat the game. I'm still developing my winning formula, but I have hope that I'll be able to give them what they want while still gaining what I seek.

And the book is whack, that's what's so enjoyable about it. Reading it is weight-lifting for the mind. I read it in high-school with a teacher to help pick it apart, so it may help to read/watch an analysis of it. Some pretty mind-blowing stuff in there.

186 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 5 Days Meditated

We are all operantly conditioned. Through pleasure and pain we are trained to perform certain behaviors. If you go back far enough almost all of it can be traced back to the simple principles of biology (the will for survival, the need to pass on ones genes, etc.), but the tools of psychology and sociology are far more useful in our current state. Can a carbon-powered machine (if that term even means anything) gain the power to change its own code? Can a toaster rewire itself to gain self-awareness? I feel that we are closer to the toaster than we think.

I know that complete freedom is impossible. We'd always see the next rung on the latter, not realizing that they never end (or do they?). Still, I would like to die knowing that I gained more freedom from my primordial binary than the amount that society has allotted me. If there is such a thing as a worthy life, that certainly seems in the right direction. It'll take a great deal of effort. It'll take much better life habits and an improved sense of deductive reasoning. I'd better get started immediately. 

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Shit, I just wrote about a very similar subject. That's spoopy!

Do you also have this feeling that sometimes many people seem to think on the same subject? Like it's a "hot topic", but it doesn't necessarily need to be directed by the media thru news, it can be much more of a subtle thing to trigger subjects in the mind of the masses, like "Spring" or the color blue.

But then - it might be selective perception and our minds that are constantly fixated on recognizing patterns.

 

Read the omens, man! Hahaha.

 

I think we are toasters. All the way. And I think we should emphasize that more and see the benefits in being "toasters". Accept being what we are. Maybe not a 100% but a lot more than is conveyed by society. Surely some thinking helps, but in this world, it seems, people are more a binary string than a creature - and they are very uncomfortable with it, but can't quite make it out, because shit is so obfuscated!

I got to free will then, or before that too. Like the same train of thought at the same time. As if it were a subway line people commute with.

 

I want to break that line and see what happens. Tunnels piss me off.

 

EDIT: This is what I'm checking out next: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-structuralism I got an essay on it somewhere around. It seems to be fixated on language and a long shot made by stoned hippies, but okay, I'm in this, haha.

 

Edited by destoroyah
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It's why I knew I liked you and Csaba after reading some of your first journal posts. You realize that life is a game, and you don't have to play by the rules society has given you. It's better to be the toaster that knows what it is, than the one that doesn't. We have far better chances of one day being promoted to waffle-irons this way. Also, the subway metaphor was interesting. I didn't quite get it, but it seems like you're on to something.

 

As for post-structuralism article, it went over my head on my first glance. I'll need to take a peek at it later after I've had more sleep. That and look up the definition of obfuscated, because it sounds fancy.

 

187 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Day w/o YouTube, 6 Days Meditated

School is still very difficult. Every day I hope that my studying habits will just "click" the next. I'm learning that this is a very slow process and must be given its own time. Just as bad habits are built over the years, so are the good. Consistency and patience.

I also remembered about one of my passions that I haven't been feeding lately. The whole reason why I set myself up in such a difficult field of studies in college was because I saw medicine as the best way to make a difference with the skills and hopes that I have. I made a promise to a friend from South Sudan that I would visit his country some day. I'm fighting to become the man that can make a difference there when I do, and I plan on doing more than visiting. The country bleeds right now, and it breaks my heart.

There are so many hurting people in the world (and other organisms as well for that matter). I happen to be born where I am and as who I am, and it would be so easy to turn a blind eye to it all; I do it all the time. At the same time, sometimes it isn't easy. What if I were them? I would hope that the person who had the resources to help would try. I have the naive hopes of a little child and the cynicism of a crotchety, old man as I wonder what I can do. 

This is why I am here, and why I try to improve myself. So that one day I'll be strong enough to try, and try in a way where I realistically have a chance of making a difference. I keep on getting swept up in the bullshit of my own life, and forget how important that goal is, and why I set it in the first place. Focus. Focus.

It sure beats hedonism. That shit's boring.

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188 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated

It's sad to have broken my meditation streak again. I could do it now, but I'm exhausted. Yeah, crappy excuse. Truth is, I'm not going to be consistent with it until I start waking up earlier and meditating before I catch the bus in the morning.

Anyway, Cam sent out an email today about not hiding things from ourselves, and I think it's a good exercise to take part in. One thing I try to hide is how negative my attitude really is. I highly promote positive thinking, but I find myself being very judgmental towards others and myself throughout the day. Thinking about it, the former likely comes from the times I was burned by my past "friends", and the latter is from how the nonchalant attitude I had before has been getting my awful grades and has kept me in some bad habits. Thing is, that's pretty sad if I can only motivate myself by the carrot or the stick. That's not the person I want to be. I want to achieve the standard I've set for myself, but there's not much of a point if I lose myself trying to get there. It's time to make some adjustments and get my positivity back (I think I'll keep a healthy dose of the cynicism I've gained though).

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Cynicism is a very negative thing. Especially in social relation. Sure, it's cool and,... yea I like it too... but I've received very bad feedback. It is often misunderstood. The strength you draw out of cynicism can backlash, because you are distancing yourself from matters "taking yourself out of the picture". It's excellent, when being alone, but in a team it can have a negative impact, when there are no positive people around that identify your jokes and laugh about it. Be aware of that.

Sometimes strength can only exist in the presence of weakness in yourself. Uh or something like that. If you seem invincible, you are intangible and people will not believe in you.

But like I said, I like it too, it's brutal! A foundation of strength and totally thrash attitude. Not giving a shit and invincible. Good for one-man-armies and action-heroes!

Edited by destoroyah
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191 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 3 Days Meditated

I am a toaster. Compress spring and internal heat rises until set temperature is achieved. Spring is released. Heat is disengaged. Unplug me and I no longer function. I am at your service. I am your slave, nature.

Edited by Pierce
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@destoroyah That's the dream. I don't know if you're familiar with To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, but there is a part of the book where the protagonist's father says this quote to her about an old lady in their neighborhood that was trying to kick a pain medication addiction before she died (which she knew would happen shortly),

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. Mrs. Dubose won, all ninety-eight pounds of her. According to her views, she died beholden to nothing and nobody. She was the bravest person I ever knew." 

And to your comment from a few days ago on cynicism: absolutely. One of the best friendships I have right now is forged around the fact that my friend and I both are open about our pain. Being willing to reveal your weakness makes you mortal again, providing allies. It also is ultimately what allows us to grow stronger, because it allows us to identify where we can improve.

192 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 4 Days Meditated

I'm addicted to stimulation. It's why I put such little effort into my school work (I feel intense shame even admitting that). I am an addict. That's why I'm here. I can't quit no matter how much I want to. I've tried many things, but with limited success. Yes, I have quit video games, but what good is that if I spend just as much time on the internet. If I still put in a piss poor effort in my school work, and have many undisciplined areas in my life.

I plan on trying do-nothing meditation, since I've heard that's a good way to "factory reset" from any addiction. This requires sitting there and experiencing the moment when the addictive feeling call out to you. I'm afraid of this. Afraid it won't work or I'll cave while doing it. I've been wanting to be free, day after day, for five years. I've been wanting this for so longer I can't imagine what it'll be like. That kind of liberation blows my mind.

All of that is not easy to say, but if I'm not willing to be honest with myself and in the public arena of the internet, I'm not ready to change. I'm ready to change. This is what I want most in life.

"Men choose. Slaves obey."

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I also have the problem with internet usage. Watching YouTube, surfing, even hanging in the forums here... It's just as bad as gaming when you break it down, nevertheless I'm feeling changes.
 
Quitting gaming has instilled some odd hunger in me to do something active. It's not where I should be yet, but I feel that I'm closer to where I wanted to be. I believe I can unearth it somehow, if I endure it long enough and occasionally force myself to try and break that frame I've spent setting up the past years.
 
Maybe you can break it with meditation... or maybe you should do something more active. Go for a hike or pick up a new hobby. What's stopping you? Is there nothing? I'm so glad the limits gaming has imposed on me are gone. I don't need to spend all my money on it anymore. I got more time. I don't need to google how to get some retarded item. I don't need the software environment or peripherals. I got more space in my room, my shelves are free of cartridges and cdroms. I can hang up different posters. Get some decent clothes and read a book. Reading is good, why dontcha? Always seemed the bookworm to me! Get a book and go into a café, don't fall in love with the waitress, but with the sound of peoples feet hitting the street. Cook something. Solve a riddle. I just printed some nonogramms - it's like picross or minesweeper on paper, that's pretty cool for 10 minutes a day. Listen to some music. Read a newspaper. Make some music. Get a shitty keyboard for 20$ and start playing. Start painting. Fuck I dunno, start writing a novel, do a course on "how the fuck to...". Get into photography. Go on a Flea market. Go to some random lecture. Get into politics. There's enough shit to do.
 
I got so much shit on my mind, my online time is sinking - like the titanic hit by an iceberg. Its draft is killing all the survivors. Brutal!! Decrapio tried hangin on, but the sucka froze to death! About time he drew his last breath, that movie was shit from scene one - watched it on VCD, now ya know where I'm coming from. Hated it back then and still do. It just wasn't the shit I was built to... watch. Uh... I need to stop writing. I gotta go work tomorrow. Cya.
Edited by destoroyah
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That's a lot of good suggestions. Reading is definitely something I want to do more, and I want to do the same goes for cooking and playing an instrument (guitar). Lifting weights is my joy as far as being active goes. I highly recommend it. I'll be sure to come back here if I ever need more ideas.

Hey, and I'm happy for you that the internet time is decreasing. That's a hint that you're about to hit another peak point in your life.

195 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 1 Day Meditated

I have a good clue as to why I was having so much difficulty: I was in a rut. Each semester of college I expected my habits to click and for everything to get better. In many ways they did. I have social skills past my wildest dreams in high-school and they're continuing to grow, I'm much more athletically fit and growing daily, and I've been building quite of repertoire of knowledge through my studies and reading on my own. Thing is, I've still been a major screw up in school. My GPA was becoming lower and lower each semester as I continued to put out a mediocre effort. I couldn't get myself to focus. The subject matter seemed too specialized for its own good, which led to a lack of motivation. This semester everything came to a breaking point, where I sunk deeper and deeper into depression with each test I got back. Over the past couple of months both my parents and one of my friends noticed that I frequently had a look on my face like I, "had been run over by a truck".

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't going to continue on a path where I would be stuck, My depression wasn't going to let me. I did a lot of research on other educational/career options (and yes, that's something I've been doing before I even got to college, I haven't stopped since, but this time it was more frantic), but they came up empty as usual. The fields I enjoyed were not the ones that would allow me to make the impact I wanted, and the ones that would allow for that impact were out of the grasp of my skillset (something I've learned from personal experience). I was looking at job growth trends in the U.S. and came across a series of jobs that led me to EMT/Paramedic. I've looked into it before, but this time I went more in depth. My the intense weight on my chest began to lift; I'd found something.

I haven't given up on my dream. My aspirations of becoming a physician are definitely still there, but I just don't have the right skills at the moment. For the longest time I've wanted to start over, to retool, and this is my chance. Training is well under two years, it's in the medical field, builds practical skills, develops mental and physical strength, and allows me to become acquainted with more adult responsibilities. I've looked at many of the pro's and con's and I've looked at the best way to get there, and I want to do it. I plan on using this month to work on my application, and then begin classes in May.

I noticed my mood improved today once I made this decision, and I take that as a good start. I feel ready to take on the world again, and I see this as the perfect opportunity to work on decreasing my addiction to the internet even further. Time to ascend.

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I haven't given up on my dream. My aspirations of becoming a physician are definitely still there, but I just don't have the right skills at the moment. For the longest time I've wanted to start over, to retool, and this is my chance. Training is well under two years, it's in the medical field, builds practical skills, develops mental and physical strength, and allows me to become acquainted with more adult responsibilities. I've looked at many of the pro's and con's and I've looked at the best way to get there, and I want to do it. I plan on using this month to work on my application, and then begin classes in May.

Sometimes time away can be the best thing. - I was forced to withdraw from University for poor academic performance.

Went out and worked for 7 years. - Was the best thing that ever happened to me.

When I went back to school finished a 2 year program in 1 year with a 4.0 GPA - transferred to a 4 year degree and finished the whole thing with a 3.83. Start to finish 2.5 years.

Once you're ready to put your whole being into it, you'll crush it.

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If you're thinking about something so often... it's probably worth a shot. The sooner you hit or miss the better, do it, while you are still young and agile!

And pay heed to what @Simms said. You should do the cut accordingly and keep the way back open, studying is just about "hanging in there" + "getting up again" and not about being good or bad enough. I see idiots with bachelors and masters all over, because they are too stupid to realize that they are dumb. I'm one of them... soon!! Soon soooooon! Haha. So maybe return one day, you might see things differently and not feel so bad about yourself, after having achieved something.

Let all your strikes land in critical zones!

 

Oh and yea, get this book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhuangzi_(book) it's pretty rad, no gods, no religion - just stories fun to read. It's making me smile on a daily basis, because I can relate so much with its spirit! I'm not too far into it, but it seems to pun at that "nothingness inside" you have been trying to achieve, without the dogmaticism known from Lao-Tse. Zhuangzi was a punk, in a good way! Haha.

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