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JustBeingReal

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You don't fail, you only produce results

Today has been an amazing day, I found a ton of things in my mom's ´attic´ and I am very happy that my books, healing shame/6 pillars of self-esteem/slight edge and models came in today, going to devour those books, that is if I don't end up pondering certain pages for many minutes or writing down all the different wisdoms it contains. Also.. I had the weirdest sensation of not wanting to game, and actually coming to grips/terms with my grief/loss of it and on top of that, I have, found the mighty fine tool, yeah I will call it a tool, of demanding from yourself, before doing anything or whenever you frustration or agitation, the why of it and where you feel it in your body. Amazingly this leads to the best decision making so far, regardless if those decisions would otherwise be regarded as boring. So in a sense, it's a small alleviation of tunnel-vision, because the activity, or frustration is, probably pre-supposed to be something, either boring or rewarding, very relevant or irrelevant. And a second look, makes it harder for yourself to keep up the appearance of the pre-supposed notion, atleast for me this is a usefull tool to properly gauge my emotions/desires.

10 things to be gratefull for:

1. Left-side of the brain function, for amazing creativity.

2. Tea

3. Learning to be vulnerable, it may make me weird, but that also makes me mysterious, and I love mystery myself, therefore I am starting to love myself more and more every day, but especially today was a huge leap of improvement, I showed immense courage, for my standards, nobody else's, being yourself is actually not that hard, but it's mostly because the reward is so immensely satisfying (you get a ton of happines in return for being vulnerability)

4. Curver (the plastic boxes, not sure if americans know this concept)

5. 2nd hand stores, and the people who work in them. (lovely people)

6. Cam's forums, and his generousity when it comes to spending his time.

7. Doubt, only when we truly doubt ourselves, do we find, that which we are looking for.

8. Glasses I found without the legs (to the ears) it's hard to keep on your head, but this is also why they are essentially awesome, they force you to keep looking up, and as NLP and 2 pac(keep your head up) have taught me, it is impossible to be unhappy if you look up. (try it for yourself if you wish to test, i'll be astonished if you are able to feel bad while looking upwards)

9. The mission/experiment of learning french, my mom had a special course in the attic (not really an attic more like a huge narrow/long room with a ton of random junk/treasures) , i call it an attic because it's more recognizeable as a concept.

10. The strength and power core truths give to me, one core truth is about repeating the same mistakes over and over, till we do it the right way.

11. Breaking the rules, life is for living, yeah I said I would say 10 things, and i just did 11, im so naughty :D take that world!

Edited by JustBeingReal
adding a spiffy quote
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3. Learning to be vulnerable, it may make me weird, but that also makes me mysterious, and I love mystery myself, therefore I am starting to love myself more and more every day, but especially today was a huge leap of improvement, I showed immense courage, for my standards, nobody else's, being yourself is actually not that hard, but it's mostly because the reward is so immensely satisfying (you get a ton of happines in return for being vulnerability)

Love that you mentioned this. Learning to be vulnerable is super important, and many struggle with it. It's made a big positive difference in my life.

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Today was weird, I made some major flaws in hurting my feet for some reason, I can still not fully master them, I have unconvered the reason why I do it though, it's because I find to identify my own emotions and what to do about it, this creates the frustration which leads to me scratching/hurting them. Not an entire loss though because I gained some new insight, and I am still learning more every day about the specific spots of itch which give me an indication of the emotional trigger being pulled. In a way my body is telling me a story about showing me the follow-up of different itching spots.

Even though my feet didn't go so well, I did end up making full use of the day to honor two of my ideals, the first one, is to help others and not expect anything in return, I pick up bikes which have fallen down, when I see them. Also my second ideal, of protecting nature, because nature cannot protect itself against garbage. So i picked up a lot of litter in a forest, on the street and random places all round, I keep it to a routine of 7 pieces of garbage, which I then throw away, followed by 5 more, and then doing no more. This allows me not to go full obsessive mode and at the same time, do feel a little guilty if I do nothing at all. Also I find spiffy things, like full drinks or half-drunk drinks (im not picky/have never been sick in my life, except once from swallowing 16 pieces of gum and once with fever) so I drink them and get some kind of reward out of my ideal, because one thing I don't want to expect or need compliments or praise by others thats not why I do it. Having said that... ideals are a pain.. I really hated picking up the trash, going through my knees/bending my back the whole time and the trash never seeming to dissapear.. or picking up bikes which were binded to poles with too little chain cord left leaving them too high-strung, hard to pick up/straighten down. But I did it, and yes.. the hours or minutes that went in it, were worth it, because afterwards every minute and hour felt richer and I felt like the universe was totally going with me, because later I found a very interesting piece of wood, with a VOC marking on it, this piece isn  very old, but the VOC marking is, also the logo is very nice, it has a richness to it as far as emblems go, anyway there was a vase in it too, and since I like to rock some scented sticks, I now have a vase(it aint a vase at all just realized, but yeah no clue what else it could be, maybe a liquor bottle) with a sweet looking box where I can put the vase in when I am done with it, or atleast something along those lines, haven t thought out everything yet. :D 

Also was able to meet some new people, I asked them for some water because the heat had drenched me, and not only did they offer me some water, they welcome d me to their party of people with open arms, and a beer. Eh, I don't think often, so drinking 1 big one was a lot for me, I felt kind of weird having the same one, while they were opening up the 3rd one. but I knew I was doing the right thing drinking it at my own pace, they are interesting people, they live on boats, and I doubt they have had easy lives, something makes me think they deep-rooted problems too when it comes to addictions, which gives me a very profound connection with them, also one of the party members was very like me... sharing some uncanny resemblances, anyhow.. this is it for now, was a good day and I am happy I still did this journal though I got nothing really interesting to share. Also one last thing.. had my first ´desire´ to buy some cig's today, and I think I just solved why I wanted it, the social contact with the cigarette store salesman, the socially accepted ritual of engaging a convo with someone due to the asking or giving of a cig, anyway, it's good I found some explanation for this, because this freaked me out and I didn't want to think of it and just rationalized it away as having to do with the heat/excessive exhaustion through cycling.

ten things which are good/great

10. New found connections/identifcations

9. Epic looking VOC box

8. The feeling of ownership after having cycled with a woodenbox with a vase in it through the whole city, (hour-two hours) and having tied it your bike with rope tying techniques from when you were an 9 year old boy at sail camp.

7. Finding goodies while cleaning trash 

6. Looking at some beautifull woman's asses, and not regretting a moment of it.

5. Drawing some pictures in 2 minutes and seeing the results you can come up with

4. The beauty of gifts which you need no appreciation for, and vice versa, getting gifts which you need show no appreciation for.

3. Nature growing and floundering, got some nature on my balcony too, special plants for the bee's, they contain all the good stuff for those little fella's, according to packet I got it from, plants with bee-friendliness are lacking, so well yeah anyway I feel like I am contributing to the eco-system :D

2. Finding an SD card with photo's from 9 years ago, even though I wanted the SD card for my head-phones, those seem to need micro-SD's, still the photos were a nice/good find.

1. being truly enthralled by music

 

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Today I have woken up for the first time, after having slept for a total of 21 hours, last couple of days I didn't catch much sleep, two nights ago I slept one hour, and after I slept for 1 hour.. I scratched my feet to barely-not bleeding, the ability to control my actions isn't active when I wake up, and once I start scratching the amount of relive I gain from it, pulls me towards scratching them till till there is nothing left.. it definitely isn't fun writing this down.. I feel like I don't want to be myself, but by thinking like that I am actually causing the proces to start more, then preventing/healing it. 

Let me tell a small story, it's about the truth of my affliction, -the scratching- I use my feet to alleviate the frustration of the day, to ´escape´ from the emotions which they give me, however scratching myself is something I find less then okay, thus I feel the need to punish myself for scratching my feet, which leads to me escaping, when I escape into more scratching, or gaming, drugs then this escape is enough for me to forget the past mistake, but... the catch (of course) is that I need more and more to get the same amount of escape every time I use the scratching/thegame as an escape, thus effectively paying a higher price every time,now at some time, the cost is so high, that you have to run away, from the thing that helped you run away, this is what I call depression. Not only do you not get what you need in life, (which is why you ran in the first place) you also don't get even the small joy which running from it gave you. Anyway, for me this has a cycle effect, where there are small circles, and big circles, the small circle represents the escapism mechanism which allows you to ´block-out´ the feelings of shame when you go into the big circle of your escapism tool, for this has also been taking place for many years of my life, the tools were different but the scenario's were identical in nature (e.g don't have friends -> scratch -> tv -> eat too much -> get bullied -> etc) this a end game scenario the part where many years of escaping has taken place, right now, or better said, last 2 years I have been slowly destroying past cycles by realizing the dehabilitating effect on my life. The catch is however, that you can't destroy what has been building up for many years, and you can't mask the sympthons you have to fix the problem. Otherwise you get something which I have been having right now, which is, problem -> scratch -> shame (punishment) -> scratch -> depressed -> scratch, literally a never ending cycle. For a small story I kind of overdid it, but for me this writing this down is a huge step, acknowledgement is the first step in the healing proces. Can't fix if you don't know what is broken, or that it is broken.

Besides that, I have been cycling a lot through the city, thinking while cycling definitely gives me a boost, met with a lot of interesting thoughts again,  also thought yesterday for the first time I didn't post, but it's okay, I was really not in the mood for anything, even things way more important then journaling I didn't do, like brushing my teeth. but i am back on my game today, also did my 7, 5 cleaning routine, so made one of my ideals true once more, no fallen bikes I came by, so I didn't have to pick any of those up.

Also bought a pink t-shirt for my preps for a practical pessimism day, those things have helped me a great deal in dealing with my anxiety,  they piush me to the limit, then I rest and come back from it with more strength/a more accurate view of my own can's and cants

8 Things I am happy, and one I am not.

1. I ain't happy for bringing too many projects in my life, I end up doing none of them, ...

2. I am happy journalling today

3. feeling good doing the good stuff, cleaning up my city making it a little more beautifull 

4. Being my own man, I wear my clothes, ride on my bike, enjoying my time, on my pace.

5. Feeling rested like crazy

6. The silhouette of a plant on my wall, with the setting of the sun.

7. realizing that only small cogs can move bigger cogs.

8. that every man's journey starts with himself, and that everyone has one.

9. acceptance of how foolish I have been, in thinking I knew everything there was to learn. 

10. 

 

 

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Being able to sleep properly is very important. If I haven't slept at least 6 hours the day is always so much harder as if I am proper rested. I know that being awake is often involuntary but to get a good sleep schedule running is very important for your balance and health. Are their specific reasons you only sleep a hour at some nights? Maybe some evening rituals could help you a bit. Going to bed at a fixed time(not sleeping going to bed!) and avoiding screens in the evening hours can make a big difference.

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I am going to take a break from journaling here... I am stuck in a negative loop of scratching myself, and just the time it takes me to break it is frustrating me very greatly, so.. I hope I can recover from it, because I am losing my mind here... which is also why i am taking a break.

 

thanks all for the support, and hopefully I can come back at some time..

Edited by JustBeingReal
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I am going to take a break from journaling here... I am stuck in a negative loop of scratching myself, and just the time it takes me to break it is frustrating me very greatly, so.. I hope I can recover from it, because I am losing my mind here... which is also why i am taking a break.

 

thanks all for the support, and hopefully I can come back at some time..

We're here for you man. 

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I am going to take a break from journaling here... I am stuck in a negative loop of scratching myself, and just the time it takes me to break it is frustrating me very greatly, so.. I hope I can recover from it, because I am losing my mind here... which is also why i am taking a break.

 

thanks all for the support, and hopefully I can come back at some time..

We're here for you man. 

Cam you are too kind, I might add another essay/article, been delaying one I have been writing too write.. it's one that is kind of.. mpf to write though, kind of confronting for me. Tis about the morality of knowing when too much, is too much and when too little is not enough. It sounds like balance, and it is. But very specific to the distributed or taken amount and what defines a healthy relation between the two extremes, and what the consequences of either side of the extreme are, mpf, who am I kidding, if i was really gonna write it any time soon, I wouldn't be here complaining to you about not writing it..  still thanks for the kindness, i'm just going through, a too rough period right now and I can't breath without thinking of the emotional daggers in my past, just,,, yeah thanks can't do anymore then apologize for being so ungratefull for not staying and comitting to my journaling online.

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Remember to breath through the rough period.  Maybe you are not going forward as much as you want - standing in the storm is good too.  I give you my favorite quote.  I have it on my wall to remind me to step into the arena and as long as I am there I won that moment

 

THE MAN IN THE ARENA
                                         
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.   -Theodore Roosevelt

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Remember to breath through the rough period.  Maybe you are not going forward as much as you want - standing in the storm is good too.  I give you my favorite quote.  I have it on my wall to remind me to step into the arena and as long as I am there I won that moment

 

THE MAN IN THE ARENA
                                         
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.   -Theodore Roosevelt

great quote, i really liked it.

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