RagingAtsuma's Journal

[ragingatsuma]

Day 0

Hello there i will admit i am a gaming addict. 

I started this 90 day detox challenge ever since i've gamed so much that i've fallen behind in all of my classes and my health has greatly worsen. I'm also a junior in college but i have yet to make any good friends and i believe it was due to always gaming all the time and never really going out too much to really create and good relationship with anyone. I've yet to find another really good hobby or something that is not on the computer or indoors that can fill the void of gaming. Today as of 2/29/16 I didn't sleep til 4am due to downloading Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Yes i know it's a really old game but i believe it's due to the nostalgia that always brings me right back just to do one more quickscope. But no, no more. I am currently employed so i am getting out of the house here and there but it's hard sometimes to just get out and do something. Still trying to find ways to interact more and have join clubs recently in the past but due to not having a car and not having money to spend much it has been difficult to connect. Still working on trying to find other ways to connect to others besides gaming and gaming topics but it has been hard. Not too fond of reading and might pick it up as a side hobby instead of internet surfing. Also taking up the NoFap challenge as well too. I was on no gaming challenge 5 days before but the streak broke due to COD. ugh. but well time to pick it up again. Last thing i did buy some boxing gloves and i have a heavy bag at my college gym so i might learn some boxing for a side hobby as well. Well wish me luck. This will be my first official day of 90 day detox gaming challenge and i suppose i could record the 90 day no fap challenge if its appropriate on this site as a journal entry. 

[Cam Adair]

Hey! Welcome to the forum, it's awesome to have you join us here. I know when I quit gaming it was one of the things that really helped my social life - so I imagine the same will happen for you. Be intentional with find some new clubs or groups to join at school, go to more events and hang out in more social areas like the library or coffee shops near your school - that always helps a lot. 

[karpet]

You got this! The little things all add up to one big thing so congrats on taking a step towards greatness.

[ragingatsuma]

It's now two days off from gaming but i've been doing significantly worse. Mostly due to procrastination. I also work so it's been a strain just having the energy just to go out and do something. I've been thinking about picking up and doing a diet to see if it actually makes a big difference in terms of my energy level. So far Yesterday and today has been nothing but home and redditing. I was suppose to be sleeping but was bored and just was on reddit all day. Ugh really hate this. Hopefully tomorrow would be a good restart along with day 3 of nogaming streak. My Other streaks have been broken so procrastination has been due to that. Well hopefully tomorrow will be a good day and there would no longer be any of these bad posts. 

[karpet]

I always thought it was better to lose a day of productive work, than to lose a life due to retarded habits. looking at the problem in context of my whole existence made it easier for me to know I was making the right choice. good luck.

[ragingatsuma]

I always thought it was better to lose a day of productive work, than to lose a life due to retarded habits. looking at the problem in context of my whole existence made it easier for me to know I was making the right choice. good luck.

Thanks for that quote Karpet. Makes me see the unproductive day in a better light.

[karpet]

anytime @ragingatsuma just go out there and dominate life.

[ragingatsuma]

Hmm so i've been watching some more videos from successful nofappers,nogamers and other post from this forum and i've learned about triggers. The reason why my trigger started for procrastination was reddit. It was just filled with so much content that i will just surf continously on end. Along with my own personal laptop as well it also leads to more procrastination and other triggers which will lead to my downfall and make me fall of my streak so. Therefore i have decided to take extreme measures to ensure it does not happen again. 

So i first start with factory resetting my android phone for it has a bunch of games apps and stuff. Then used an app called "Applock" to lock out the appstore along with the way to uninstall it along with the applock program itself. Used a strongpasswordgenerator and locked it and created a new gmail account and saved the password in there. Basically making my smartphone and dumbphone and just have it for super basic features such as calling, texting, and skyping with my girlfriend. 

Second create a guest account on my laptop with only basic programs such as word and programming stuff and that is it. Only using it for homework use period. Or i think i might just not use it at all and just do all schoolwork at my college. Installed k9webprotection for a secondary web protection measure just incase to prevent triggers from happenenning even more. Send the password of my admin account and my k9 account to a seperate email with a very strong password.

Pretty much the reason for this is just to make my home/apartment only for sleeping, getting ready, doing homework, eating basic stuff and anything that i want to do such as websurfing or redditing(which i probably should avoid like the plague) should only be done at college. Plan to take up reading for when i really need stress off during days that i cant access my college however it does have a 24/7 building that is always open for students with a computer lab. 

Also since my home environment will be boring as hell it will motivate me to get out of the house more and go to my college to focus more there, have more chances of meeting people and more likely to hit the gym.

Also for a future note for myself, hit the gym early you will be too tired to hit the gym later on after work and will be thinking too much about working out afterwards.

Still need to make a good exercise and create a good healthy shopping list for myself. Still really thinking about ketogenic diet and looking forward to that. 

Also i really really wish there was a game quitters apps where i can just access the forum itself and post my daily journals during the days if i cannot make it to a public places to use a computer. 

Well good luck to me and my future self

[WorkInProgress]

Seems like a good consequent plan. Planning is always easier as doing though. Don't beat yourself up if something goes wrong and be sure to be proud of yourself if things go your way. You doing great so far!

[ragingatsuma]

@WorkInProgress Thanks for the comment. Writing all of this makes me feel better and doing this gives me motivation to do better as well. I know it will be different when actually executing but it's better than no plan at all. Will reply on how this works out tomorrow. Going to hit the gym early in the morning since it opens at 6am. :).

[Cam Adair]

Not sure if this will solve the problem but you can access the forum on your mobile device and post that way if you have a smartphone.

An app is in the vision for the future... working a bit on it now but we don't have the $ for it yet. One step at a time.

[ragingatsuma]

I know i don't update this journal as often as i want to but i have not broken my streak. Yay horray!!!. So it's been officially 5 or 6 days off of gaming as of 3/5/16 and 3rd day of nofap. I feel great as of right now. More focused more energy and i'm waking up more earlier nowadays and sleeping earlier. Trying to wake up by 8am to exercise and get my day ready but so far its either 8am or 10am. Weekends were also my worst enemy but so far i'm doing pretty good. I procrastinate here and there i'll admit on youtube but that is about it. Still have loads of homework and assignments to catch up on but i think at this rate i'll catch up back in no time. Still need to find a group that i can really bond with though. Been exercising and taking some supplements and i've noticed my social skills are pretty damn terrible. I stutter a lot now when talking and i'm talking wayyyy too fast when talking to someone else even for something as little as advice. Need to improve on diet still. Nowadays i'm more at school then at home so that's good for me. Bought some new clothes, shoes for gym and casual clothes and a new haircut which really improves my confidence. Well hope i can get to week 3 without breaking and perform well during spring break. 

[Cam Adair]

Woot! Getting to this point is huge, great job! Keep focusing on how good you're feeling and how moving on from games and nofap has helped contribute to that.

[WorkInProgress]

Hey wow you actually dooing ALOT. Be proud of the things you allready do. Giving your own ego a little pad on the back if you done something you consider as good ,is a great habbit. It helps you staying commited too, if times get rougher. You are dooing a lot of things right. be consistent and your world will change hardcore.

[ragingatsuma]

It's been a week since i last posted a new journal. However it was due to disappointment in myself. I have gone back to day 0 in both my gaming streak and my no fap streak along with a lack of exercise. It was a week of low energy, bad diet and food and depression. One of the reasons was due to work for i broke down at work due to stresses and being called names such as retard and stupid. However talked it out with the manager privately and thankfully my manager was very understanding of how i was feeling. Finally met up with a psychiatrist last wednesday and waiting for my next meeting this wednesday. It's for adhd, autism and depression testing. I know for some it's useless and a waste of money but i really want to find out. Also by attending i've learned a lot about myself such as the reason why i'm alway isolated all the time. And most of the time it is because of me pushing others away. I'm always afraid of being judged by others and being labeled as dumb or stupid and disappointing others when i can't meet expectations. Therefore when i hear bad remarks from others and see disappointment in other people's eyes i escape and push myself away. Need to find a way to force up my confidence and also while doing so discover a little more about myself. Well going to start again at day 0 but hopefully today will again be the last day 0 for me. 

[ragingatsuma]

Still need to find a way to force myself to study. During my streak i was so focused on trying not to break my streak that i slacked a bit on my studies and due to trying to sleep earlier and exercise i found it hard to force homework time everyday. Might try to make one day dedicated to studies. Will try really hard to catch up during spring break if i could. It's bad to  the point where i missed out on a deadline of one essay due to being able to start on it. Will update maybe wednesday when i get results from my psychiatrist or maybe earlier or later who knows. Also bought a scale that could measure food in grams. Still have not used it to this day. Bought chicken breast and salad but sucks that i don't have any good recipes for it yet. 

[WorkInProgress]

Hey, I am sorry to hear hat you have a hard time. studying can be hard( I am procrastinating it by writing here). I think it is important to realize what is important to you and structure your day around it. If you feel like you need to study start there. Get habbits going  wich support your studies(clean desk every morning, identify the msot important study task, go to sleep early so you can keep the things you study in your brain). A thing wich helps a bit is to split the task in to little goals. You say you want to catch up. First goal could be to identify what topics you need to unterstand to be back in line. Then you could study for the single topics and makes a plan for it. Some other good points are made in this article. Just start with one thing and do it for a week every day. Make things a habit then you won't get overwhelmed by your improvement and make it last.

I will try this recipe today and tell you how it went.

Hope i helped a bit. We are in this together!

[ragingatsuma]

Hey, I am sorry to hear hat you have a hard time. studying can be hard( I am procrastinating it by writing here). I think it is important to realize what is important to you and structure your day around it. If you feel like you need to study start there. Get habbits going  wich support your studies(clean desk every morning, identify the msot important study task, go to sleep early so you can keep the things you study in your brain). A thing wich helps a bit is to split the task in to little goals. You say you want to catch up. First goal could be to identify what topics you need to unterstand to be back in line. Then you could study for the single topics and makes a plan for it. Some other good points are made in this article. Just start with one thing and do it for a week every day. Make things a habit then you won't get overwhelmed by your improvement and make it last.

I will try this recipe today and tell you how it went.

Hope i helped a bit. We are in this together!

Thanks WorkInProgress. It's always awesome hearing feedback from you and others. I'll view your article and take your advice about task splitting and routine. 

[ragingatsuma]

Yeah i'm not really a chef at all. Really would love to start cooking a lot more dishes. My main ingredients are always oyster sauce, hoisin sauce and siracha sauce and sometimes korean bbq sauce. But they arent that healthy and arent always a good combination. Kinda afraid to try out stuff due to budget and that it might turn out wrong. 

Also yeah imma try to put study first even though i might get that much sleep as i want to.

[Cam Adair]

No shame in seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. I've gone to many counselors in my life and they have helped immensely. Good job being vulnerable and courageous to do that.

[Rick Boon]

Finally met up with a psychiatrist last wednesday and waiting for my next meeting this wednesday. It's for adhd, autism and depression testing. I know for some it's useless and a waste of money but i really want to find out. Also by attending i've learned a lot about myself such as the reason why i'm alway isolated all the time. And most of the time it is because of me pushing others away. I'm always afraid of being judged by others and being labeled as dumb or stupid and disappointing others when i can't meet expectations. Therefore when i hear bad remarks from others and see disappointment in other people's eyes i escape and push myself away. Need to find a way to force up my confidence and also while doing so discover a little more about myself. Well going to start again at day 0 but hopefully today will again be the last day 0 for me. 

That is golden.

I have autism.

I feel isolated many times.

You probably do not want to hear it again, but its a freaking nice step to do the testing. Not for the labels, and the more specified names people can call you now, but because you will root your back, your identy for a part into (if you have something of course) your diagnosis. Let me know if what i just said is fucked up or strange, english is not my first language, can't always seem to express myself through it the way i want.

What i mean tho, is this: i hear a big deal of people say "i do not wanna be labeled, or put inside a box with a name "autism or asperger or pdd-nos (what i have). i dont' want that. Well it was the first step for me in being myself. I had found an iron-hardened identity root. 

Now i know i have something, i have pdd-nos. Now i know i have a hard time to express myself with my body and words, but i can work that better, because i know where it comes from. I can work with that, and i can start improve myself. And this rule applies for me to every part of my life. I want to know where something comes from, and then i can start to build. 

I think what i want to say is; the information you know now, that you summed up is your ground level. And now your going to go up, not down. And everytime you feel you slip away, you lose your grasp you will fall back into what you already know. And you can go higher this time, because you learned more.

Alright, i feel i'm turning into a motivational speaker, but this was something i really wrote down with my heart, what i felt, and needed to tell you.

Do you know how bad i can withstand dissappointment, and critism? man, everytime i get words or a stare that stirr that vibe deep down in my stomach, that says "you can't do it, you did it wrong, you cannot learn this, you are not contributing to anything" i get angry. Because that voice has ruled my choices so many times. And now i'm just taking babysteps, and learning to talk back.

I'm with you brother.

Rick