Eon's Journey to manhood.

[eonplz]

Day #

1

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for my life, my wife and family. I'm grateful for my opportunity to start my new career. I'm grateful I made it out of college despite my gaming addiction with the help of my wife. I'm grateful that I'm not divorced. I hope I can keep this steady.

 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Well the day is barely started, but I guess starting this journal is something amazing, that I've put off, that I did today. 

Workout/run

50 pushups / 50 sit ups / 15 minute walk

Meditation

Realization: I need to involve my wife in this.

Visualisation

Another chance to be a good man.

Daily affirmation

I can do this

Reading + taking notes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Keep up with my daily chores - to do's, study for my boards, and work on planning for my relationship 

Monthly Goal

Prepare for fall with fall related tasks, pass my boards, rebuild my marriage.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear.

What went well today:

I woke up.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Went home instead of out.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

go home.

[eonplz]

Day 2 fill in for not writing last night due to arguing instead. Maybe this should be done mid day. I don't know.

Day #

2

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for my family, and dogs. I'm grateful for the opportunity at saving my marriage and self.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

One amazing thing that I did today was to clean the house - more than usual, to free up time in the afternoon for my wife and me to have time to do other things.

Workout/run

25 pushups - walked 1Hr 40Mins

Meditation

I need to remain calm. My strength needs to be in my ability to remain calm.

Visualisation

I see opportunity to be a better person in my time off of school.

Daily affirmation

We can do this

Reading + taking notes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Keep up with my daily chores - to do's, study for my boards, and work on planning for my relationship . This I have done.

Monthly Goal

Prepare for fall with fall related tasks, pass my boards, rebuild my marriage.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear.

What went well today:

I got ahead on some house work.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Listened more than spoke. I need to be a better listener

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Firstly; avoiding explosive argument. Secondly; preventing explosive arguing.

[eonplz]

Day 3 - Continuation. 

Day #

3

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for my family and for my support systems. I'm also grateful for my education.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

One amazing thing that happened was that I was officially graduated from my acupuncture program, and cleared to register to take the board exams - which inadvertently means that I am clear to be sponsored for my Licensure and work asap. I could throw up.

Workout/run

30 pushups, walk the dog for 30 minutes.

Meditation

My chest hurts. I cant explain it, feels like pressure. I'm blaming my new medication. I feel tightness in my head too. I feel clear to move ahead with this and with work, and positivity towards finding a healthy balance within relationships.

Visualization

I can literally see the future; working - finally legitimately being paid for the hard work. It feels surreal.

Daily affirmation

We can do this

Reading + taking notes

I'm going to read tonight, more of wizard of earthsea - and try to study for 30 minutes tonight, i didn't get to it yet.

Weekly Goal(s)

Keep up with my daily chores - to do's, study for my boards, and work on planning for my relationship. 

Monthly Goal

Prepare for fall with fall related tasks, pass my boards, rebuild my marriage.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

Made a new client, that will definitely not be a long term one, but felt rewarding still. I feel my communication has been very very good. I am happy about this.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I didn't prioritize studying and exercising. Missed the boat on that. I will try to catch back up.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Prioritize study, and chores. 

[eonplz]

• Day 4 - Bad Headache/ good day. 

Day #

4

Gratitude journal

I'm grateful for the opportunity to move on with life. I'm grateful at the thought of working on my relationship with communication workshops, and maybe a glass of wine later.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

One amazing thing that happened was my registering for my Board exams. In 1 week. I could be sick. I feel unprepared.

Workout/run

Didn't happen, hoping to walk the dogs, at least one of them for at least 45 mins. Probably will happen.

Meditation

Didn't do it, running around. I will try to have some quiet time later and meditate on relaxing into studying.

Visualization

I'm terrified at the near future. I feel afraid at the thoughts. But they aren't reality. The idea is that I take my exams, if I don't pass the 1st time, I just study and take again. It's going to be ok.

Daily affirmation

It's going to be ok. You can do this.

Reading + taking notes

I'm going to read tonight, more of wizard of earthsea - and try to study for 30 minutes tonight, i didn't get to it yet -  and i didn't get to it yesterday either. Just so much going on with the kids home. ITs nice, but makes personal tasks harder to get too.

Weekly Goal(s)

Keep up with my daily chores - to do's, study for my boards, and work on planning for my relationship. 

Monthly Goal

Prepare for fall with fall related tasks, pass my boards, rebuild my marriage.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

I feel caught up and so behind at the same time. Outside of me things seem in order, inside I feel like a breakfast scramble. All of the things I want, all mixed together, and i can only have half of it before I am full and store the leftovers.

What I could have done to make my day better:

I didn't prioritize studying and exercising. Missed the boat on that. I will try to catch back up. - Still true.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Prioritize study, and chores. 

[eonplz]

Day 5 - Rainy day - Confidence up

Day #

 

5

 

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful I feel like I'm getting ahead with studying and still ran around. Time managing has been better.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

 

Today I had a crazy day, running around but keeping up. One amazing thing that happened was actually prioritizing studies even though there were a million distractions.

 

Workout/run

 

Didn't happen, hoping to walk the dogs, at least one of them for at least 45 mins. Probably will happen.

 

Meditation

 

Didn't do it, running around. I will try to have some quiet time later and meditate on relaxing into studying.

 

Visualization

 

I'm terrified at the near future. I feel afraid at the thoughts. But they aren't reality. The idea is that I take my exams, if I don't pass the 1st time, I just study and take again. It's going to be ok.

 

Daily affirmation

 

It's going to be ok. You can do this.

 

Reading + taking notes

 

Studying.

 

Weekly Goal(s)

 

Keep up with my daily chores - to do's, study for my boards, and work on planning for my relationship. 

 

Monthly Goal

 

Prepare for fall with fall related tasks, pass my boards, rebuild my marriage.

 

3 Month Goal

 

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

 

What went well today:

 

I feel caught up and so behind at the same time. Outside of me things seem in order, inside I feel like a breakfast scramble. All of the things I want, all mixed together, and i can only have half of it before I am full and store the leftovers.

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

 

I studied!! And kept up with the day!

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

 

Prioritize study, and chores. 

[eonplz]

Day # 6 

-Catch up from yesterday

 

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful that I am making good headway studying.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I learned what I need to focus on for my boards, and was more focused than i have been in a long time.

 

Workout/run

Didnt happen, studied. Did a little yoga

 

Meditation

Thought on life. No new discoveries.

Visualization

Shit is bad right now, focusing on studying.

Daily affirmation

Just focus on studying.

Reading + taking notes

Studying (Continued)

Weekly Goal(s)

Study

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

I was able to sit down and put time aside to actually study

What I could have done to make my day better:

Idk

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep studying.

[eonplz]

Day # 7

I'm alive still. Things are good. Focused on the test.

 

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful that I am making good headway studying. Still. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I am consistently getting down these case studies, thank God. Apparently the exam is heavily based on these and im at least passing them.

 

Workout/run

Didnt happen, studied. Did a little yoga, plan to walk and play ball today.

 

Meditation

Thought on life. No new discoveries.

Visualization

Shit is bad right now, focusing on studying. Feeling lost.

Daily affirmation

Just focus on studying.

Reading + taking notes

Studying (Continued)

Weekly Goal(s)

Study

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

I was able to sit down and put time aside to actually study

What I could have done to make my day better:

Idk, exercise

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep studying.

Edited October 1, 2023 by eonplz

[eonplz]

Day # 12 - catch up.

I'm back to catch up!

 

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful that I passed my test! I'm grateful that I was able to buckle down and study and it paid off!

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I PASSED 1/2 OF MY BOARD LICENSE EXAM!

 

Workout/run

I've definitely faltered this week (studying) but I'll get back on the saddle today. 

 

Meditation

Thinking about remedying at home. Looking forward to the future 

Visualization

The end is in sight, and I am excited to make up at home

Daily affirmation

Let's catch up

Reading + taking notes

Studying (Continued)

Weekly Goal(s)

Study

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

Passing the exam!

What I could have done to make my day better:

I should have stayed home. 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep studying. Be here for family.

[eonplz]

On 10/6/2023 at 6:54 AM, eonplz said:

 

Day # 13

Up to Albany and Cooperstown.

Gratitude journal

Today I'm having a hard day. I really am feeling very low. Marriage feels like it's in the shitter. Spent majority of the ride arguing and bickering. Then put on a smile on through family mish mosh and crash in the hotel room. I can feel the tension with my daughter. My son is cranky on his own. 

 One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I came home and ventured on this trip upstate.

Workout/run

Walked the dog 20 mins. 

Meditation

Yes.

Visualization

I don't fucking know. I just don't care. I'm exhausted.

Daily affirmation

-

Reading + taking notes

-

Weekly Goal(s)

Properly prep for the trips.

 

Monthly Goal

 

Pass the Boards (I did 1 lol)

 

3 Month Goal

 

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

 

What went well today:

I did go upstate and having a fine time.

What I could have done to make my day better:

IDK. Breathing?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to improve my moods. I felt like I wanted to die today. I had all type of deep depressive thoughts. But then I walked to a gas station to get water for the family and and realized I was in the street and afraid that a car would hit me. I knew then. I don't want to die, I'm just feeling sad, or upset. But that's ok. Bed now.

[Vee]

On 10/8/2023 at 3:02 AM, eonplz said:

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to improve my moods. I felt like I wanted to die today. I had all type of deep depressive thoughts. But then I walked to a gas station to get water for the family and and realized I was in the street and afraid that a car would hit me. I knew then. I don't want to die, I'm just feeling sad, or upset. But that's ok. Bed now.

 

Sorry to hear your mood has been awful; I hope things have been a bit better since?

[wheatbiscuit]

On 10/8/2023 at 1:02 PM, eonplz said:

Day # 13

Up to Albany and Cooperstown.

Gratitude journal

Today I'm having a hard day. I really am feeling very low. Marriage feels like it's in the shitter. Spent majority of the ride arguing and bickering. Then put on a smile on through family mish mosh and crash in the hotel room. I can feel the tension with my daughter. My son is cranky on his own. 

 One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I came home and ventured on this trip upstate.

Workout/run

Walked the dog 20 mins. 

Meditation

Yes.

Visualization

I don't fucking know. I just don't care. I'm exhausted.

Daily affirmation

-

Reading + taking notes

-

Weekly Goal(s)

Properly prep for the trips.

 

Monthly Goal

 

Pass the Boards (I did 1 lol)

 

3 Month Goal

 

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

 

What went well today:

I did go upstate and having a fine time.

What I could have done to make my day better:

IDK. Breathing?

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Try to improve my moods. I felt like I wanted to die today. I had all type of deep depressive thoughts. But then I walked to a gas station to get water for the family and and realized I was in the street and afraid that a car would hit me. I knew then. I don't want to die, I'm just feeling sad, or upset. But that's ok. Bed now.

Whatever anyone else tells you, saying/admitting those things is incredibly manly IMO, even if it maybe didn't feel 'mature' to. I always wished my dad would have admitted to us that he was worried, wounded or wound up when I was a younger kid. He came close to doing so later, sometimes. I do imagine it's really hard being a consistent kind of head of a family and keeping it together when socialising. 

Seriously, you even answered all those questions in the template instead of just typing a huge block of rant! I feel ashamed/guilty to admit that that honesty reminded me of the sometimes pleasurable reading of a Stephen King book. I may not have your same nerve, but I believe with more time appreciating your distance from gaming, you'll keep up great strides in the future. 🥲

[FDRx7]

Agree wholeheartedly with @wheatbiscuit. The machismo of suppressing emotions is outmoded. I'm also glad you came here to write these feelings down. You are still at the beginning of your journey but keep pushing. Every day is a new day. Some days don't go as well and that's okay. It seems you knew how to process it, which is good. 

As a side note regarding the bottom of your journal, know there are people here who care about you, who want to see you get better. While I am on my own path of recovery, it brings me joy to see others here who are making steps everyday - both big and little - to a better life and a better future. I want to see you pass your other board, to be able to work, to repair you marriage - all the things you are shooting for, and I believe you can do it. And, as you can probably see from reactions, there are people here following your journal who are invested in your journey and care about you. 

Hope you are feeling better today!

Edited October 10, 2023 by FDRx7

[eonplz]

Thank you all. Things have been much much better. I was having a down day.. Not something I have too often. I actually have been going to ACA. A really big help through this journey and overall in my life. Things are always better once we let some time (and some effort) help us out of the rut. I wish that I had checked this back sooner. I don't have a lot of experience with these forum style interactions, I actually TLDR'd it before I saw you were all talking to me. Things are good and I'm still keeping away from the games. I still have this overall feeling of I don't need to play, and that I don't want to.. Until the right circumstances come into play and man is there urge. But I really do have enough to do to keep be busy and away from it. Thanks for checking in!!

[eonplz]

Day # 29???!!!

Shoot its been 2 weeks since I've touched base here?!

Gratitude journal

Today I am grateful that although I didn't pass my 2/2 board exam, I went into it with the mindset that I knew I was underprepared and went in for recon.. and have a ton of info to springboard off of with my studies. My family are good, as good as they can be, and I'm a part of it.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I let the day get away from me, fishing, planning a trip with the wife, and working on catching up with the house and emails, and still managed to get back here and study.

Workout/run

Haven't exercised yet today, but will walk all the pups when my wife gets home from work. Happy about that! 

Meditation

1 Hr of quiet fishing alone, really helped me to stay still.

Visualization

I feel really good about the future, things are looking way up!

Daily affirmation

You can't be 100%, 100% of the time.

Reading + taking notes

Studying (Notes for exams)

Weekly Goal(s)

Study, recaulk the bathroom and help out with inlaws. Healthy time with family and extended family.

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

Not feeling down, but much more in control.

What I could have done to make my day better:

turned off music when planning or doing other things because man I really think I have adhd and got somewhere really really slow lol.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep studying. Work on the house.

[FDRx7]

This is great and, if I’m reading correctly, it sounds like your marriage is doing better. If so, that makes me very happy and happy for you. Sorry you didn’t pass the 2nd board, but your mindset about it is quite healthy. Nice work!!

Edited October 25, 2023 by FDRx7

[eonplz]

Day # 30

Good day- Good life.

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful that I was able to land some appointments and make some money. I really need it. 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I made a few work appointments, and had really good intimate conversations with my wife.

Workout/run

I didn't exersize.. Well directly, but threw a ball around and got my heartrate up, and was out and about with work.

Meditation

Didn't spend much time on this today at all. Actually maybe a little during housework. 

Visualization

I feel really good about the future, things are looking way up!

Daily affirmation

Some days are productive, even if it wasn't what you planned it to be.

Reading + taking notes

Not much today, touched on studying and related with treatments.

Weekly Goal(s)

Study, recaulk the bathroom and help out with inlaws. Healthy time with family and extended family. (Update: Started the caulk job and will hit it again tomorrow.)

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards; Work on relationship.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

Made some money AND kept on time with relationships.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Studied more.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep studying. Work on the house, get rid of gigantic physical reminders of papers on my to do pile.

[eonplz]

Day # 32

Good day- Tough night.

Gratitude journal

Today I'm grateful that I was able to plan together a nice weekend getaway with the wife.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I made a few work appointments, and really ran around a lot! Took my son out with his friends to a movie.

Workout/run

I did errands, that was a crazy busy day, but not true exersize.

Meditation

Didn't spend much time on this today at all. Thought a little morbid about our dog's cancer, any maybe that we are overexagerrating the current state with it.

Visualization

Learned I can't retake the other boar exam until dec 3rd. that really fucking sucks bad. Looking for better work in the field in the mean time.

Daily affirmation

Some days are productive, even if it wasn't what you planned it to be.

Reading + taking notes

Not much today, touched on studying and related with treatments.

Weekly Goal(s)

Study, recaulk the bathroom and help out with inlaws. Healthy time with family and extended family. (Update: Started the caulk job and will hit it again tomorrow.)  Did em. going to enjoy going away tomorrow.

Monthly Goal

Pass the Boards; Work on relationship.

3 Month Goal

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

Made some money AND kept on time with relationships, AND went out with the kids.

What I could have done to make my day better:

Studied more.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Take my wife on a trip.

[eonplz]

Day # 35

Good day- better weekend!

Gratitude journal

 

Today I'm grateful that I have a family to celebrate Halloween Eve with family. Took the wife in a weekend away and had a great trip.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

 

I think I got a lot done , adhd mind is making me feel crazy but I got a lot done.

 

Workout/run

 

Walked the dogs, 1hr

 

Meditation

 

10 minutes deep breathing.

 

Visualization

 

Just looking for work.

 

Daily affirmation

 

It's ok to help out where you can.

 

Reading + taking notes

 

Studying 

 

Weekly Goal(s)

 

Work on to do list and keep the house clean.

 

Monthly Goal

 

Pass the Boards; Work on relationship.

 

3 Month Goal

 

Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

 

What went well today:

 

Spent good time with the kids and figured out business stuff.

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

 

Studied more.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Keep a clear mind.

[eonplz]

Day # 41

Gratitude journal

• Today I'm grateful for family, although there was a lot of it this week, I am happy to have my family.

One amazing thing that happened/I did today:

• I got up early and took a day trip to CT to fish with my brother and his (and my?) new friend, and made it back with minutes to spare to eat dinner my wife made and make it to a Brian Regan show at 7pm. 

Workout/run

• I didn't do explicit exercise, but spend a day fishing, climbing to fishing spots, wading through water, and kicking a soccer ball around, and your watch tells you you've burned your daily calories by 1pm. I'll take it! I am actually upset though at how our of shape I felt playing soccer and climbing rocks. Like really. I'm 28 and I had to hold it together and try really hard to keep up. That was a funny thought to have though.

Meditation:

• Not directly, but my therapist classified fishing as meditation and even though I wanted to play music, my brother reminded it that the scenery was too calm and serene to ruin it with music. So I take that as meditation.

Visualization:

• I guess today there wasn't a lot. I used the day up with hobbies and I'm happy (and tired).

Daily affirmation:

-You can do things you like in moderation!!

Reading + taking notes:

-👎🏾

Studying:

-👎🏾

Weekly Goal(s)

-Catch up with to do list, get out with resume!

Monthly Goal

-Pass the Boards; Work on relationship.

3 Month Goal

-Stay clean from games, celebrate the end of the year clear, get licensed and WORK.

What went well today:

-Fishing and family life seem good, my wife held the fort down while I was out, she's the best.

What I could have done to make my day better:

-Planned the fishing trip better so there wasn't so much time driving around CT looking for places to fish.

What I will do differently tomorrow:

-Keep a clear mind. Help the house feel nice 

[FDRx7]

What a cool spot! The lake is a sheet of glass. It's always nice to fish in conditions like that.

[Ace92]

Those pictures are beautiful! I've always wanted to get into fishing more. Perhaps I will try it as one of my hobbies. 

On 11/5/2023 at 10:55 PM, eonplz said:

even though I wanted to play music, my brother reminded it that the scenery was too calm and serene to ruin it with music. So I take that as meditation.

Interesting thought. I listen to music almost everywhere I go, it serves as a way to calm my brain and anxieties down. This made me think about how music isn't needed everywhere. Maybe I should try to just listen to the atmosphere and sounds around me. 
 

Keep up the good work!

Ace

[eonplz]

On 11/7/2023 at 12:19 AM, FDRx7 said:

What a cool spot! The lake is a sheet of glass. It's always nice to fish in conditions like that.

It was pristine, haven't seen anything like it on Long Island, this was in CT. 

[eonplz]

On 11/7/2023 at 10:29 PM, Ace92 said:

Those pictures are beautiful! I've always wanted to get into fishing more. Perhaps I will try it as one of my hobbies. 

Interesting thought. I listen to music almost everywhere I go, it serves as a way to calm my brain and anxieties down. This made me think about how music isn't needed everywhere. Maybe I should try to just listen to the atmosphere and sounds around me. 
 

Keep up the good work!

Ace

Thank you! I have to tell you, I am hooked! (Pun intended). It is amazing because I have been more satisfied by fishing than gaming ever has given me. My only problem is that if we look at this as a "Dopamine Slot Machine", fishing is right up there. BUT... I still fish, I still like it (a lot) and it is much more respected and appreciated than gaming ever has been. I have have also skunked (caught nothing) way more than I catch fish, and with that alone -> becomes meditation and quiet time. Take that and run with it, that's my advice. I am happy with it. And happy with the nature calls I haven't been able to answer until now. No music necessary. Check out this app- fishbrain. Really breaks down fishing to a more understandable manner.

Edited November 16, 2023 by eonplz
Grammar