He's addicted but doesn't care

[Loloro 1]

My son is an addicted gamer. He is 19 and has no motivation or ambition. He doesn't even get dressed in the morning and has no interest in hygiene. He has no plans for the future or to increase the quality of his life he doesn't drive or even leave the house aside from his part time job. A job that if I didn't keep track for him I think he would get fired. He doesn't have motivation to even make a change he says he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. How do I get him to want to make a change in his life?

[KingslayerXx 0]

Ask him where he sees himself in the future if he continues like this. Make sure you get a reasonable answer.

Then ask him "Is this truly acceptable?"

When he answers no, then ask him how is he going to change that? If he answers yes, then I'm not sure what next.

Oh, and make sure to pick a good time to ask him. You need a serious answer, and he will need time to think.

Hope this helps.

[Pauley 1]

When I was 19 I had similar struggles. It maybe wasn't that bad, but it was going in that direction. The best teacher in life for me is reality, when I got out and see that nobody cares for me in the world, had to get my own money, my own appartment, my own education and all that. The first years were the toughest for me, since I was addicted and received so many new responsibilities.

[wez 0]

A suggestion could be that you could talk to him about what he may be missing in his life and what he could enjoy if he quit video games. He could maybe have a happy family, be financially independent, have more social activities, enjoy good meals, etc. There are many things in life that could act as an incentive to change your life. 

[LordFederickRamsay 106]

He might have an underlying mental health condition that gaming provides respite from? Just an idea. 

[BooksandTrees 4046]

On 4/12/2023 at 10:59 AM, Loloro said:

My son is an addicted gamer. He is 19 and has no motivation or ambition. He doesn't even get dressed in the morning and has no interest in hygiene. He has no plans for the future or to increase the quality of his life he doesn't drive or even leave the house aside from his part time job. A job that if I didn't keep track for him I think he would get fired. He doesn't have motivation to even make a change he says he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. How do I get him to want to make a change in his life?

I'd come at him with only empathetic and patient support for right now. He knows you're disappointed and frustrated. 

If you show vulnerability to him and tell him why you care, without raising your voice, cornering him, or manipulating him, he will talk. 

Right now, he feels at rock bottom on one side where he's just a mess socially and developmentally. But on the other side, he's very confident in gaming and might actually have a level of success on there involving fame, notoriety, and community favor. Those feelings with give him purpose and he'll put all of his effort in life into that game because of it.

That has some benefits. He'll be successful at future jobs etc. But right now it's about you or a therapist uncovering why he's afraid of life, afraid to develop into an adult, afraid to change, etc. He's hiding from real life for a reason. For all we know, his parents and family could have neglected him for years and he was lonely and found belonging online. 

Some of his reasons will be your fault or significant other's fault. You have to listen to him and not be offended if he says this. If he's going to change, you might need to change also. Kids are fortunately and unfortunately a result of their environment. If you're in that environment, you've potentially impacted him in a way that steered him to gaming. 

I'm not trying to be rude to you, but I've been involved with helping people recover from addictions, gaming and more, and a high percentage have family issues that have not been resolved.

Good luck, be his friend, but be his mother. Get on his level and invest that time in helping him. It will take years.