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He's addicted but doesn't care


Loloro

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My son is an addicted gamer. He is 19 and has no motivation or ambition. He doesn't even get dressed in the morning and has no interest in hygiene. He has no plans for the future or to increase the quality of his life he doesn't drive or even leave the house aside from his part time job. A job that if I didn't keep track for him I think he would get fired. He doesn't have motivation to even make a change he says he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. How do I get him to want to make a change in his life?

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Ask him where he sees himself in the future if he continues like this. Make sure you get a reasonable answer.

Then ask him "Is this truly acceptable?"

When he answers no, then ask him how is he going to change that? If he answers yes, then I'm not sure what next.

Oh, and make sure to pick a good time to ask him. You need a serious answer, and he will need time to think.

Hope this helps.

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  • 3 weeks later...

When I was 19 I had similar struggles. It maybe wasn't that bad, but it was going in that direction. The best teacher in life for me is reality, when I got out and see that nobody cares for me in the world, had to get my own money, my own appartment, my own education and all that. The first years were the toughest for me, since I was addicted and received so many new responsibilities.

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A suggestion could be that you could talk to him about what he may be missing in his life and what he could enjoy if he quit video games. He could maybe have a happy family, be financially independent, have more social activities, enjoy good meals, etc. There are many things in life that could act as an incentive to change your life. 

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On 4/12/2023 at 10:59 AM, Loloro said:

My son is an addicted gamer. He is 19 and has no motivation or ambition. He doesn't even get dressed in the morning and has no interest in hygiene. He has no plans for the future or to increase the quality of his life he doesn't drive or even leave the house aside from his part time job. A job that if I didn't keep track for him I think he would get fired. He doesn't have motivation to even make a change he says he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. How do I get him to want to make a change in his life?

I'd come at him with only empathetic and patient support for right now. He knows you're disappointed and frustrated. 

If you show vulnerability to him and tell him why you care, without raising your voice, cornering him, or manipulating him, he will talk. 

Right now, he feels at rock bottom on one side where he's just a mess socially and developmentally. But on the other side, he's very confident in gaming and might actually have a level of success on there involving fame, notoriety, and community favor. Those feelings with give him purpose and he'll put all of his effort in life into that game because of it.

That has some benefits. He'll be successful at future jobs etc. But right now it's about you or a therapist uncovering why he's afraid of life, afraid to develop into an adult, afraid to change, etc. He's hiding from real life for a reason. For all we know, his parents and family could have neglected him for years and he was lonely and found belonging online. 

Some of his reasons will be your fault or significant other's fault. You have to listen to him and not be offended if he says this. If he's going to change, you might need to change also. Kids are fortunately and unfortunately a result of their environment. If you're in that environment, you've potentially impacted him in a way that steered him to gaming. 

I'm not trying to be rude to you, but I've been involved with helping people recover from addictions, gaming and more, and a high percentage have family issues that have not been resolved.

Good luck, be his friend, but be his mother. Get on his level and invest that time in helping him. It will take years. 

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  • 2 months later...

That must be a painful , frustrating feeling. For any parents. 

I think the best way is to look at YOURSELF first. I agree with the idea "to change others, change thy self first. Become the change. Then the others will follow. Or leave." children will not leave parents forever, unless something serious is happening. ONLY trying to change others without changing the self is the common way of avoiding responsibility. Because you want to get good image for yourself, from your child's good behavior, don't  you ? Are you willing to sacrifice for your child ? humans are all selfish. The goal is to Eventually change others, BUT to get there, the best way is to change THE SELF.....Wa ?? !! 😵‍💫😵🤮

Reading books help. I recommend:  1. the road less traveled. look at the parenting topics      2. seven habits of highly effective people.  look at "the first habit“ , or "paradigm shift" and the author's own problem with his child.

Oh, I am struggling, too. No hard feelings ? 

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  • 1 month later...
On 4/12/2023 at 10:59 AM, Loloro said:

My son is an addicted gamer. He is 19 and has no motivation or ambition. He doesn't even get dressed in the morning and has no interest in hygiene. He has no plans for the future or to increase the quality of his life he doesn't drive or even leave the house aside from his part time job. A job that if I didn't keep track for him I think he would get fired. He doesn't have motivation to even make a change he says he doesn't know why but he just doesn't care about anything. How do I get him to want to make a change in his life?

Everyone here gave excellent advice and I recommend trying it all. Or at least some of it. The heart to hearts quality time with son and therapy stood out as gems to me.

 

right so my idea and to be honest the only thing I think will actually work is the hardest thing for you to do as a parent.

 

you have to take back control. Who pays for the wifi and has the power to pull the plug? Who pays for his games and system? 
 

it’s all you. You have the power to stop it. I’m a licensed therapist and I see this all the time with teenagers especially boys. The parents are never willing to take the games away. Why? It’s always the same reason! They don’t want to deal with their kid being mad at them and their house turning into a verbal war zone. No one wants that! Not me either.

 

but here’s the hard truth. Pull the plug, put the system in your car until it’s time to let them use it, change the wifi password and input it for them everytIme without remembering password. Unplug the wifi at night etc etc. 

Do whatever it takes to limit or extricate games in his life. Do the same with all his devices. He will likely rate yell maybe even call you a B**** or say he hates you. That’s the short term pain you as a parent will go through for the long term gain of a healthy son with a healthy relationship with him! 
 

ITS WORTH IT SO DO IT 

 

get support you need a therapist who is on board with this plan to back you push you to make it happen! Good luck my friend 

 

is the short term gain of having him be happy with his game worth it to you for the long term pain of a failure to launch child who is a gaming addict that simply Leeches off you to sustain his addiction? 
 

if I were in your shoes that system would be gone. Kid can scream and rave all he wants. If he threatens or attacks me I’ll tell him I’m calling the cops and he’s goi g to Juvenille hall if he pulls that crap ever again 

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