PastTense's daily journal

[Cam Adair]

Sending you lots of love!

[PastTense]

Having my erased accounts on mobile games: 3 kingdom rush 2 pubg accounts, I turned to tv series. When my sister visited yesterday. I went for a jog so that’s good. 

Today I watched a great de k talk with boze streamer, and her recommended video at end triggered me. As I was watching it my father came home, complained so had taken too much of the food I was making. As I was pausing the YouTube video to listen to him better, he took my plate to the kitchen counter and stood up with raised shoulders against me complained I had too much of my plate and half of it was his.  After staring into his eyes briefly I had to straighten my back and ask him if I could take my lunch whichever i made. He went away. 

I went to the chair and ate my lunch. 

When i came back to the kitchen my father had hands over his eyes. 

 

All the while he’s been using arguments as “call the municipality and find different place to live. This while completely failing to realise it’s his own sabotage of my education, career, jobs, transportation, ignited and fuleed by my toxic sister-his daughter who wants him to buy her a house. 

This gives whatever he says zero credibility. I stopped listening to him. BecausebI realises it’s based on hypocrisy, black sheep projection, and childish tantrums, untreated in my father and sister. Yes I could do more. But when I do I get undermined, sabotaged, berated, slandered. It’s viscious dynamic from everyone’s side - except me who almost completely stopped to utter any words.I will uninstall candy crush, watch the dr k guest recommended video through then go for a jog.

 

tomorrow I will have to take my fathers car and go to skanderborg to get the municipality thing fixed.

Edited June 6, 2023 by PastTense

[Faroe Islander]

Good to see that you didn't give up and even stood up for yourself. Keep going strong and pause to examine your fathers actions so you don't fall back into his trap of just blaming the other or feeling about trying to move on with your life, hope it goes well.

[PastTense]

Still playing pubg. Weak knees.. fuck my family and family friends. They ruined my life several times in er. Gave others ammunition in neglect and nagging undermining

 

edit and fuck gave devs

Edited June 17, 2023 by PastTense

[PastTense]

Today. To be frank. I just took a shit. Feeling lighter. 

 

Otherwise.Still stuck in hopelessness.

dad has guests visiting which increases my stress tremenduously

[wheatbiscuit]

6 hours ago, PastTense said:

Today. To be frank. I just took a shit. Feeling lighter. 

 

Otherwise.Still stuck in hopelessness.

dad has guests visiting which increases my stress tremenduously

Does leaving the house/living space at a few moments' notice cause any trouble? I'm wondering because even just sitting in the grass across the road collecting my thoughts/watching things go by before heading back inside used to help me out when stressed. Short-term fix.

[PastTense]

Update: since even my backup phone broke I have't been able to game.that doesn't automatically mean I solved my issues in life thought. anda  few ones may have popped u. I got a "train ticket" bill. 
I have been walking everywhere instead of hopping on  a randonm bike. 
I restarted the governmetn fundign my sister sabotaged. kind of makes me furious but also too weak to do anythign about it nutritiousy speaking. I sleep a lot. I have cleadned a tiny bit in my room. 
had an arument wiht ndad. he was hungry in the morning so even worse to be aroudn .pushed me and took my drill away when I was fixing something.

I am riting rom librarys desktop.
I dont sleep properly theeese days. 

I dropped off a copy of dads will at autns. aunt I haven't spoken to for 15 years. it seemed like htey had guests s(sat afternoon). I didnt get in or talk sp dropped in mailbox in blue leaf cover.

the next day my father was away for the whole afternoon and I suspect that it is because he got osmeone to taddle on me. 
as I am writing this I amincredibly tired. the air in here is awful and kds yell in the background. 

tomorrow I'll have to bike soem 50 kilometers to get social wlefare. 2 k dkk which is hardly anything. in my country a hamburger is 10 dkk. 
I've been dumpster diving which led to more simple carbs in bread. my dad was away for a week at a summer house. I did fine and he came back. and is planning on going awa again temporarily. I learned that aug 28 my nsis and her bf and kids move to norway. she keeps presuring y dad thorugh tezts ajd emali for him to send me to youth hostels and lplaces for the homeless. she wants hom to move so he can sell the ranch and buy a house for her. I konw this will not be included inteh will asa na expense ot be shared, hovever. 

I wond wher eI'll end up now that I have no phone ,income. 

I've been feelign depressed lately. 

[Faroe Islander]

I don't really know what to tell you since it is a tough situation to be in. 

Good luck on your ride to the social center and maybe tell them about your situation and see if they can put you in contact with other public services such as the job counselors, the guys responsible for the job market and maybe even a psychologist

I know it is not the same but a year ago or so a family member of mine found himself in a similar situation with the job and depression and asking the social services for assistance really did make a difference, they gradually helped him search for and get a new job related to what he previously had been working for and gradually improved his mental state by feeling useful having a job some more social contact and an activity he found joy in (tilling/cultivating small amounts of dirt 20-30 plants as caring for something and watching it grow really does motivate one sometimes as it is visual)

Anyways I hope this in some way helped and I wish for the situation to improve for you, if you need someone to talk to you can always ask.

[PastTense]

Update: am sitting on library computer. 
phone broke about a week or two ago. and laptop has been broken for a while. 
at the library I have been catching up on a few tv series, and plauying a very simple browser game. 
my bank card didn't arrive today which means the things I had hoped to accomplish, I didn't. meanwhile my sister is pressuring seriously to get ym dad to kick meout and move minto a shelter. she is a total asshole because at the core, my career failures in the recent past years is fundamentally her,my father, godparents and my fault, but she is the over-zealous martyr who twists all lines and stories. my father does as well but I live wiht him so I can't blame him ot the same degree, I feel. 

anywya I am listeing to music as suggested by chatgpt. I got this feeling, and a shitty autoplay song "From The Woods to the Coastline".
chat gept suggested exercise and I did this earlier today, and will do later. step 3 was practicing gratitude and keepign a gratitude journal. In this moment I am using this platform.
so: what am I thankful for? Taknemmelig.

- I am grateful I am able to sit at a library and acces the internet. even if it is troublesome in so many ways.
- I am grateful for me livingin Denmar, wher ethere is some level of support network. 
- I am grateful that I am npt my 69 year old heart complications filled father. I am 32, and still at okayish age to get in shape
- Jeg er taknemmelig for at jeg ikke er ordblind.
- Jeg er taknemmelig for at jeg har en seng at sove i med en neutral  bodypillow til at støtte mig. Især nu hvor min far og hund er gammel.

express appreciation: I sent a message to a team instructor on linkeidn. I knew her in middle school, but was not able to attend many of her instructor classes. 

focus on the positive. maybe I should show appreciation for someone in real life...nah not yet. 
silver linings and perspective shifts: from my family being my enemy they are helpping me find a place to sleep, since they don't want to with me. although I feel I am beign taken for a ride, or ran around corners with, and I am, I am still glad that they sort of tell themselves that they actually care. I am actually not glad at all over their lackluster initiatives. I am glad I have soft bedlinen of satin, atnd I am glad for the humor brought at christine and others dosome days ago. 

practice mindfullness. I already did that when wlaking here.
volunteer:
umm no. I find it oppressive.
done. step 4?Connect with loved ones. thats tough as I haven't been in a relationship for 5+ years. and I am not sure I love my family as it is. morelike codependent.  as such I'd be more confident communicating with an ex. 
I did try to contact my ount some days ago. I didn't get through and the experiecne was painful and awkard. when I say I didn't get through I meant I  wore gym clothes, walked long up to their house some 7 kilometers, and overheard children voices. not sure where they lived I walked past and asked some neighbours for family with my moms last name. they didn't know of, but my ants husbands name. told them I knew them as by my moms last name before a family lawsuit where my aunt won and her husband and her and kids changed last names, switched. I walked back, saw a silhuette of aunts man. he is alitigator. because I was too far away walkign we didnt cross paths but it seems the neighbours I had asked had texted or called him preemptively. I walked around a bit. it was super awkard. they have a gate and everything. and all of a sudden I started feeling super emotional andgot flashbacks to my mother lying in bed crying in pain. I gathered myself after some 20 minutes. then asked a different neighbour who was laying out some large metal plates in his garden. he called my aunt she told him that she had a ful house today. I understood. kids are a thing and we havne't spoken for 15 years. I duped the copy of my fathers will in a pllastic folio in their mailbox. mind you my father is still a live and my sister dictated its content and its timing. I had virtualyl no day, as my words even though asked, was not taken into account. I think that later on some or more of the mcontated my sister and she called my  father or somethign. but they didn't say anything to me about it.
and I mean, even the fact that I had to walk there was super embarrassing, and it seems it was my sister and fathers fault. however I feel like I could have saved up for a car over the past 15 years. but my father never pushed me to get a job. hes been jobless or " self-employed" for a loong time now. 
also judging by last night it seems my father views everything as dystopic, unless it is about his grandkids. 
so, connecting wiht loved ones aren't a thing for me at the moment. 

5. do something you enjoy... I'll get somethign to eat later... some snacks...
6. wathc r read something funny. I'll  watch a standup. or a tv series in the gnere comedy. now. I found somethign called the vendure bros. 
I dont want to write more but her eare the rest of the steps: 

1. Practice Mindfulness or Meditation: Take some time to relax and be present in the moment. Mindfulness and meditation can help reduce stress and anxiety.

2. Help Others: Doing something kind for someone else can give you a sense of fulfillment and happiness.

3. Go Outdoors: Spend some time in nature. Fresh air and being surrounded by greenery can be rejuvenating.

4. Avoid Negativity: Try to minimize exposure to negative news or toxic environments that might bring you down.

art

Edited July 24, 2023 by PastTense

[PastTense]

On 7/17/2023 at 3:39 PM, Faroe Islander said:

I don't really know what to tell you since it is a tough situation to be in. 

Good luck on your ride to the social center and maybe tell them about your situation and see if they can put you in contact with other public services such as the job counselors, the guys responsible for the job market and maybe even a psychologist

I know it is not the same but a year ago or so a family member of mine found himself in a similar situation with the job and depression and asking the social services for assistance really did make a difference, they gradually helped him search for and get a new job related to what he previously had been working for and gradually improved his mental state by feeling useful having a job some more social contact and an activity he found joy in (tilling/cultivating small amounts of dirt 20-30 plants as caring for something and watching it grow really does motivate one sometimes as it is visual)

Anyways I hope this in some way helped and I wish for the situation to improve for you, if you need someone to talk to you can always ask.

Yes I'll try to get some 30 plants and care fr them then. I have four lavneder plants in one. and I'll get 3-6 more, and maybe plant some orange or pine trees.
thing is I don't live in an apartment I live on a racch. and my father plants plenty of things. This means I have sort of handed that over to him. but maybe that was a mistake.

 

Edited July 24, 2023 by PastTense

[Faroe Islander]

glad it helped hope it gets better

[PastTense]

It has been a while since I logged. I have starte working out twice a week. The week prior to this one that just pasted Inloog all meals. This one I didn’t. I felt pain all over my body after working out. 
my sister is putting words in my fathers mouth. And she aims to combine my fathers 70 year birthday with her second child’s naming. So piggybacking off my fathers birthday spending. Today again my father til me that my room had to be empty before then. And it’s difficult to argue. My sister wants police to come pick me up. She does kot give a sidle flying fuck. Everyone including godparents has been told blatant lies to make me out as a villain. I do kot know how to deal with this slander from my father and sister. It’s stressing me out but today I got to exercise in a class and did the prior y gave me. And also adde half of the posture exercises. But for now I am done.

Idk how to act. Anymore. I am teased out bend comprehension. . 

 

[wheatbiscuit]

16 hours ago, PastTense said:

 I do kot know how to deal with this slander from my father and sister. It’s stressing me out but today I got to exercise in a class and did the prior y gave me. And also adde half of the posture exercises. But for now I am done.

Idk how to act. Anymore. I am teased out bend comprehension. . 

 

Hey PT, is there a local library you can spend time at? Feeling at odds with possibly the first people you learnt to love is really tough - and maybe all they need to do is see you grow more while away, if you're the one best suited for that growth. I don't know - I had to go through the health system for a problem to be seen and taken seriously. Good work going out to exercise. One remaining concern could be that your family really wants to learn from you, deep down - having a lot of random facts from books could help, or something. Again, not sure.