Game Over

[Wildermyth]

I've finally finished all the last tweaks and adjustments on my racing rig and it's practically complete now. I've also managed to resist a lot of stuff I had problems with in the past; like games being on Steam sale, unnecessary DLC and restarting the game at the slightest feeling of imperfection. I accidentally clicked past some tutorial voice lines in the beginning that bothered me initially but I just kept my focus and carried on. I really hope this is the start of a healthy relationship with certain games because I'm so excited to make this work now. I just have to continue to be mindful of my habits and let others know how it's developing. It's easy to forget yourself and become slightly naive when things are taking off so I'll have to be mindful of the bigger picture and try to stay realistic. 😌

Here's a pic of my rig:

[Wildermyth]

I think I’m slowly starting to identify my core issues with gaming, and perhaps finding some new solutions to have a more positive relationship with the hobby. When I was having my toughest moments with games it was almost always tied to my obsessive way of clearing goals and restarting games. At the slightest sight of imperfection I immediately reset my progress and started over, no matter how far I’d gotten. It was painful because it wasted a lot of time and energy, and as a result my enjoyment. Gaming became some sort of platform for me to prove that I could be perfect, even though it was completely futile. 
 

Now that I’ve started playing the F1 games I recognize that the feeling is still there, yet on a very minor scale. After an almost 9 month absence from gaming it’s like my system has rebooted. When the feeling strikes me now it’s rather easy to ignore it and so far I’ve managed to play for more than 30 hours without restarting the game or feeling dissatisfied with the way I’m progressing. I’m missing important texts on-screen, making some poor leveling decisions, having a more chaotic approach to game modes, and yet it doesn’t bother me much. Instead I feel more relieved and calm about it. I also have no issues turning off the game in time for bed; overall my sleep, work and my exercise routine goes very well. 
 

I hope this will lead me to a new discovery about myself and my ability to restrain myself. My work with e-sports nowadays has brought me closer to the local indie game market and I’m curious to see if I can manage indie games as well. I’m still afraid of AAA, especially long games with lots of progression and character building, but indie games have a tendency to be short and sweet. One and done, so to speak. They also don’t have the nature of luring you into spending more cash for unnecessary content, which is a big bonus. 
 

I know that I’m in a much safer space right now due to my friends and family watching my back. Two of my best friends have insight into my gaming accounts and they ask me about my habits every now and then. My mother has also weighed in and been very supportive. If things start to go wrong I’m confident that I would have some assist rather quickly. And I’m also happy to be part of this community where I can get input on these kind of things, or just have the opportunity to express my inner thoughts. 😌

Edited December 7, 2023 by Wildermyth

[Wildermyth]

So today I bought my first couple of indie games after making the decision to expand into some more genres. I'm not ready to pursue AAA games and don't know if I'll ever, but this is kind of a test to see if I can manage this hobby in a healthy way. I feel like I've succeeded with my racing games so I feel confident now to try a bigger leap. Before I made my decision I informed all of my friends and family and they are ready to support me through this journey right from the start. If it goes south I know I'll have lots of people around me this time that will help me pull the handbrake. But of course I hope it won't come to that. 🙂

Edited December 10, 2023 by Wildermyth

[Wildermyth]

I'm off to my sister in about an hour to take some much needed vacation. We're gonna go skiing, plan our Iceland trip and eat lots of great food. Looking forward to it so much!

The bus ride is about 5 hours long but I have a new laptop now to entertain me with a couple of movies and indie titles. It will be the first time I play anything other than a racing sim for several months, but I feel confident and optimistic about it. I think a key factor is to bring my hobbies with me outside on different adventures, in order to minimize the risk of locking myself in at home. But of course there will be times when it's better to focus on the things I'm traveling to do primarily in order to not get distracted or shy away from social gatherings.

Balance and all that. 🙏

[Wildermyth]

So today I decided to hit the brakes on me trying to engage with gaming again. It didn't manage to spin out of control thankfully, but I was really at unease doing it and could feel a loss of control ever so slightly at the end. It lasted barely a month and I'm trying not to feel regret by my attempt. The intentions were good, but I just wasn't ready to invite this challenge again even in a lesser form. And maybe it's time to decide to end this permanently now because I really don't see the point of attempting this anymore in the future. I'm gonna be proud that I managed to tell myself to stop so early and not let it get more out of hand. A year ago I didn't have this willpower at all and my relapses took a heavy toll on me.

I think I'm slowly starting to build up my seratonin levels to outmanouver my dopamine. I watched a lot of great videos from Healthy Gamer about how this balance gets distrurbed when you game a lot, and basically you lose the will to pursue activities that don't grant instant reward. Learning how to ski this past year has really brought this into perspective and I now feel more fulfilled doing challenging activities. I know I will progress and the wisdom earned is something I can use throughout my life and help strengthen my resolve further.

On a sidenote I've also now reached a new goal with my strength training and I've reached about 80kg almost exacly on the finish line (which was new years eve). Three years ago I weighed 106,7kg and I've managed to trim down over 25kg which is kinda crazy when I think about it. I used to eat so much unhealthy stuff and felt it was impossible to even get below 100kg. But now my body feels completely invigorated and ready for harder challenges, I'm literally running up stairs at this point. 🥳

[Amphibian220]

Do you dread that racing simulator or does it require you to work so much (no easy rewards, no obsessive playing) that it does not control you?

Do you feel that in the future a sport can become an obsession for you ?

. Skiing can be a fun healthy activity, but some people go into it for the risk and daring stunts. Risking in this way stabilizes their minds because their other life can be unbearably boring.

Edited January 1 by Amphibian220

[Wildermyth]

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Do you dread that racing simulator or does it require you to work so much (no easy rewards, no obsessive playing) that it does not control you?

Do you feel that in the future a sport can become an obsession for you ?

. Skiing can be a fun healthy activity, but some people go into it for the risk and daring stunts. Risking in this way stabilizes their minds because their other life can be unbearably boring.

Thanks for asking. It was more the matter of the indie games I started playing, which made feel that the sim racing only triggered a larger apetite for different kind of games. The sim racing wasn't a problem by itself really, but of course it started to feel problematic when it triggered a continous exploration of other games.

But currently I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the sim racing as its technically still an option, since I won't be able to sell the equipment any time soon (it's very expensive).

When it comes to skiing I think it's more about the learning something challening, being outdoors and having a great day in the company of friends. I like to go fast and experience the excitement of full body control, but in the end I'm just as happy cruising down an easy slope. I've never been into sports in my life so maybe I'm doing some catching up and feeling extra excited. I know through my interest in racing and skiing that I like the sensation of speed as well as learning technical elements. And I also like activities that don't necessarily require other people to be able to do, like football or tennis for instance.

[Amphibian220]

Cam posted a video about a certain type of games that attracted men:

There is a strong sense of urgency or a “closing window”, like in a 2-D platform where the player has to constantly make very quick decisions to save his character from getting killed. The game constantly engages the player’s attention.

This sense of urgency made players forget about real life problems that caused worrying and stress.

During my university years, fear of humiliation was a strong motivator to revise and do research, look for work etc. This fear of humiliation would have been good to some extent, but because it went beyond all bounds people started to notice it. So no longer did I want a job because of a goal of doing something beneficial. I was forced to do it because otherwise the peers, tutors or people in the government would abuse me. Real life goals meant fear and psychological fatigue.

The video game did not punish me if I failed in it. Just about then we had a new trainee join at work who decided to complain to our managers that they were not doing their job. It was amazing to me: they could not suppress her with humiliation or fear, she continued expressing in what and how they were failing. This girl felt okay with being dismissed.

Another thing that helped me understand something were successful people who dropped out of universities because they knew what they wanted to do.

All this brought me to the conclusion that poorly defined goals will make me depend on fear and wanting to meet expectations. Well defined goals will make me immune to psychological manipulation by employers and other people. 

I went on a skiing trip to France and after the event I understood that I wanted to go because I felt happier in a group. Without going with other students I would have felt lonely. But at the trip there was a lot of acting due to expectations: You have to say things that are cool, ski a certain way. The more rebellious I acted, the happier I felt.

Edited January 2 by Amphibian220

[Wildermyth]

On 1/2/2024 at 4:34 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Cam posted a video about a certain type of games that attracted men:

There is a strong sense of urgency or a “closing window”, like in a 2-D platform where the player has to constantly make very quick decisions to save his character from getting killed. The game constantly engages the player’s attention.

This sense of urgency made players forget about real life problems that caused worrying and stress.

During my university years, fear of humiliation was a strong motivator to revise and do research, look for work etc. This fear of humiliation would have been good to some extent, but because it went beyond all bounds people started to notice it. So no longer did I want a job because of a goal of doing something beneficial. I was forced to do it because otherwise the peers, tutors or people in the government would abuse me. Real life goals meant fear and psychological fatigue.

The video game did not punish me if I failed in it. Just about then we had a new trainee join at work who decided to complain to our managers that they were not doing their job. It was amazing to me: they could not suppress her with humiliation or fear, she continued expressing in what and how they were failing. This girl felt okay with being dismissed.

Another thing that helped me understand something were successful people who dropped out of universities because they knew what they wanted to do.

All this brought me to the conclusion that poorly defined goals will make me depend on fear and wanting to meet expectations. Well defined goals will make me immune to psychological manipulation by employers and other people. 

I went on a skiing trip to France and after the event I understood that I wanted to go because I felt happier in a group. Without going with other students I would have felt lonely. But at the trip there was a lot of acting due to expectations: You have to say things that are cool, ski a certain way. The more rebellious I acted, the happier I felt.

Insightful post. I too struggle sometimes with my ability to resist the influence of my surrounding world. I can get easily confused or mixed up in conflicting emotions. What is it that I really want? Is this when I should say "no"? Am I pleasing this person because I truly have nothing to say or am I just afraid to say it? And it's hard to follow through on something when the entire worlds seems to move in a certain way. And at a fast pace at that.

I recently got into a small conflict with some of my collegues because I felt that they were talking down to me in regards to my accelerating interest in skiing. They thought I should rent a pair or skis for longer and not buy my own pair, and they also said that "it takes yeeears to learn some of this stuff, just you see". Like I was some kind of child who did not understand the true mechanics of the world. I'm completely allergic to that kind of response since it only downplays the persons newfound enjoyment in something. Every single person moves at their own pace and has their own way of realizing their desires. Why even try to make sour comment about that when the person is clearly having the time of their life? Let them enjoy themselves and leave it at that. Stop being so petty and insensitive.

In my country we have something called "Jantelagen" which is some sort of unwritten rule that no one should stick out, brag or be too excited about their own achievements. It's extremely stupid and gets laughed about as something fictional most of the time but it's very much a real thing. It's probably one of the reasons why the swedish people are so reserved, accomodating and painfully anti-social most of the time. Everyone wants to be their own individual, but just barely enough to not be cast out from the group.

[Wildermyth]

I lost my outdoors headphones a couple of days ago and so far they haven’t turned up. I initially wanted to buy a new pair as quickly as possible but then I decided to wait it out. Maybe they would show up, or maybe I would learn something from not constantly having music in my ears, blockning reality out. 
 

I usually want entertainment to follow me wherever I go as it makes walking long distances more enjoyable. But when I photograph I like to hear my surroundings as I feel more in tune with reality. Especially when I’m looking for animals to shoot. And I think this is true for every other activity as well because I can’t remember the last time I reacted to how loud my city actually is. Usually I just block out the sound but now it’s in my face constantly with no escape. It  makes me reflect more as I can focus on my mind differently but at the same time it makes me a bit anxious.
 

Of course sound has been a big part of my gaming life as I really enjoyed good soundtracks, great sound effects and what not. I always had some of the most expensive headsets and I never gamed without them. I could even wait for long periods of time with a certain game if it had to do with the option to play with headphones or without. But now I kind of want to challenge myself a bit to see what truly happens when I cannot escape into my headphones all the time. Maybe nothing will happen at all or maybe some new insight about myself will present itself. In a couple of weeks time I guess I’ll know for sure!

PS. I’ve also ordered an expensive set of headphones to use with my studio at home. They are in a sense my replacement for the gaming headset that I sold, but they don’t have a mic as they are purely meant for studio production. Maybe they will be some kind of reward in the end when I’m at home working on my music. It makes the absence of headphones right now more managable at least!