Wildermyth

Yes, I'm updating it every now and then but it's quite long already so I'm more than satisfied with what I'm aiming for at the moment. 🙂

This weekend I finally went to Hemavan, which is a big ski resort in my county. When I set out to learn how to ski this was one of my biggest goals. I wanted to grow in confidence and strengthen my body so that I could ski in a large unexplored area for at least two days. In the end I enjoyed myself for a full three days of skiiing where everything went almost perfectly. Out of 36 slopes I checked off 25 of them and also visited plenty of restaurants and wonderful vistas. It's hard to capture nature when it's so vast and beautiful but the picture below was my best effort I believe. At the end of the trip I crossed my bucket list where it said "learn how to ski" because I'm now confident enough that I feel I can go anywhere and enjoy myself on a pair of skis. It took only three months to reach this stage which makes me believe that there is so much more things I can learn and many more challenges I can overcome. You just have to set your mind to it, go for it and never give up.

Thanks for the inspirational words. I'm fairly confident in myself and my ability, but I'm occasionally sensitive to change and the influence of other people. I am autistic so much of this stems from my genes and how I've adapted to my traits and special needs over the years. I get easily fixated on things and can obsess over people who hold emotional power over me, and this is also why I got stuck with video games for so long. I am seeing a therapist at the moment who helps me understand some of these hardships because at times I am quite lost. People usually describe me as someone who has a lot of self-awareness and discipline, but they don't always understand the struggle deep inside. I am at peace with this part of myself today and I know that it's just in my nature to get emotionally overwhelmed from time to time. My main focus right now, besides learning more about myself and staying away from gaming, is to prove that I can overcome various challenges even under stress. So far I've traveled a bit and learnt new skills and I've always loved the feeling afterwards. Life becomes less of an obstacle and more of an opportunity. This winter I've learnt how to ski at various resorts and during summer I'm gonna go on my first trip overseas all alone. It has lit a spark in me that gaming never could. When I played video games I could feel immense moments of joy in the moment but I was always left with a feeling of hollowness and futility. A real life experience never results in that as it includes so much more meaningful experience. Overall I feel like I am on the right track but every now and then I need some guidance and support because my emotions get the better of me. It's one day at a time and just try to make the most out of it.

Feeling a bit low and sensitive lately due to lots of stress around me. Haven't thought much about gaming though which is a plus. But it's more because all the other stressful things are so overwhelming that there's no space left for other thoughts. I really don't like feeling like this so I hope it will turn around soon.

During my photo course we finally went outside last weekend and took photos of various objects in the city center. As I'm aiming to become better at nature photography I tried to find as many animals as possible. Naturally there were mostly dogs and some birds but I managed to get this shot of a sidensvans (rowan in english) sitting at the top of a tree. I took maybe 30 pictures in total but this one came out quite good. I think I'll forever save it to remind me of where I started out. 🙂 I used to like photo modes in various video games which was great fun, but in the end nothing beats capturing real life moments. It's much, much harder to take photos in reality but when you do manage to get that perfect shot it's forever in your possession and you can share it with as many as you like. It's also a great testament to all the wondrous experiences you've had.

Had a real dip yesterday with almost no motivation. I had to excuse myself to a collegue because I zoned out so much that she started to notice. Within autism it's called "lock-up" or "freeze". It's a rather strange sensation where important functions such as speech might be shut down in order to deal with the overwhelming sense of stress. I'm not sure what caused the stress this time as it usually crawls up on me rather than hits me straight in the face. Since I got my diagnosis at a later age I never understood these emotions before, but my go-to solution was always gaming of course. When playing a game I never had to overcome my lack of speech or dealing with someone wanting my attention; I could just sit there for hours and suprress my emotions while trying to stay focused on a different reality. Not being able to escape this anymore makes me live more in the moment and try to figure these feelings out. I'm also more open to talk about them and let others know what I'm dealing with. All in all it's a positive thing, even If I cannot prevent the emotional response per se.

Yes, I believe there is a lot of truth to your reflections. I for one both wanted to escape parts of my reality and get a higher rank/status in competitive games. The multiplayer component I believe is a rather strong one because if you think about the MMO genre for instance there were lots of people that had no previous experience with gaming but got immediately hooked on it. In those games you were able to escape to a different social reality where you had a sort of status and something to work towards and if it didn't please you you could just log off in an instant. I remember when WoW got released and people dropped out of school because they couldn't stop playing; and many of them had no prior experience with gaming beyond some small mobile games at the time. Ironically I never played WoW at release so I could witness it as a bystander. My boss told me while we were talking about my gaming addiction that his daughters had urged him to uninstall Tetris on his phone because he couldn't stop playing once he started it. He used this example to show that he could relate somehow to my addiction. And I know plenty of people in his age who get hooked to these "small" games like Candy Crush, Farmville etc. Even if it's not on the same level as a true addiction it's still damaging enough to cause problems in your everyday life. And if you're that vulnerable to such casual mini-games the risk might be high that you will be caught up in something more substantial and long-lasting.

Lots of people at my work are talking about the latest Harry Potter game. I previously planned to buy it as I was really hyped for a new RPG. One of my collegues said that she had trouble doing anything other than playing the game. She even came to a point where she concidered uninstalling it in order to get some important things done. I'm glad that I focused on this part of the conversation instead of being enticed by all the game talk. It fascinates me that most people who play games do it obsessively in the moment, but only a few people cannot control it over time. One girl I know for instance can game in isolation for hours, barely eating or doing her chores, but then she feels satisfied and can go several weeks without thinking of gaming. I just don't understand how her brain can balance itself out like that and not just lose control completely. But maybe it's the same thing with people who like to drink; some might get really drunk in the moment but they have no issues with keeping it healthy in the long run.

Closing in on two months gaming free now. I haven't even thought about the amount of days so I looked it up in the calendar today. It's going really well so far I have to say. I haven't been exposed to much gaming related stuff besides the occasional ad or some Youtube clips from recent or upcoming gaming releases. It's nothing that has peaked my interest though. I'm beginning to move ahead of all the games that I previously looked forward to so I don't really know what's coming anymore. It helps a lot in making me less prone to look at gaming clips as I'm not anticipating anything anymore. On the downside I still can't get a hold of watching porn and eating bad stuff. I usually have streak of a couple of days but then it quickly falls apart. I am still trying though and I'm focused on being as determined as possible. Keeping track with an app called Strides helps a bit since the threshold of losing control grows bigger with each day I mark.

There's a lot of unrest at my work place right now. A lot of our employees have initiated a strike in a very sensitive time. It was calculated of course in order to gather a lot of levarage for their upcoming negotiations. At the moment it doesn't seem like there is a solution so our employer is forcing the people who are left to work some really bad hours, and with short notice to boot. The positive thing in all of this is that I remain rather calm, unlike my fellow collegues. I think my battle with gaming addiction has strengthened me quite a bit recently and compared to those struggles most things pale in comparison. I am determined that I want to continue at my work place, even though we are headed towards some tough times. I am ready to fight for my position there and I'm gonna try to do as best as I can in these trying times. I think positivity goes a long way and I don't wanna ruin my current streak of looking favorably towards the future. 🌻

Congratulations! Keep up the fantastic work. 🥳

This weekend I went to a real ski resort called Bygdsiljum for the first time which was just an hour away from my city. It was both fun and a bit scary. There were so many different slopes with various difficulties and so many people, both young and old. I'm so used to going to this one local slope now that I haven't really thought about the challenge of riding on different terrain. I didn't quite find a slope that suited me perfectly but I tried a couple of ones that went fairly well. I'm still a bit insecure when it comes to blue and red ones but next time I'm gonna try blue ones a bit more. My technique is really improving with each try and I'm eager to build up my confidence. Going at high speeds is such a rush but it's also where I can hurt myself the most. In the video game environment you always had this feeling of safety no matter how bad your failure was. I could crash straight into a wall with a racing car or fall down a cliff because I got too carelss in an RPG; the next attempt was always a click away with full health at respawn. Real life doesn't work like that as there's lots of downtime in between your attempts and if you fail you can either hurt yourself or lose the confidence to try again. This is a key component when it comes to growing as a human being I believe. We have to take the good with the bad and make ourselves stronger from it. And this doesn't just apply to physical exercise but to everyday life as well. I often called in sick during work when I gamed the most because I couldn't deal with the whole process of learning, socializing and getting sore all over; I just couldn't see any kind of benefit from it when a video game provided me with instant feedback and satisfaction even during failed attempts. So in the end I don't believe this is about me learning how to ski per se, but more about teaching myself the imortance of putting my mind to something and deal with the consequences that follows.

Got a small art board a while back with the same tag as my journal. It pictures a cat that has gone to sleep next to a gaming computer, which is a fitting outcome for a tenacious late hour gamer. I placed it on my shelf besides the only gaming related item I now own, which is a non-functional Gameboy. I decided to keep it to remind myself of what was once my main motivation in life has now lost its function and meaning. Every now and then I like to take a glance at it to feel invigorated with strength and determination. I know that gaming will continue to introduce itself in my life and force my attention, but in the end it's about drawing a line of how far and at what cost. Having this piece of broken gaming equipment on display in my home ultimately makes me feel that I'm in control of that process.💫

Thanks for reading my journal, I appreciate it. 🙂 Some things come intuitively to me but overall I'm an emotional person who's not always good at thinking ahead. Taking my time and writing these journals makes me discover new insights so it helps in preparing for upcoming challenges. My bucket list is something I've had with me my whole life but I never paid much attention to it until I realized why I never did those activities. Gaming has taken so much time from me, even though I've enjoyed myself a lot with it over the years. The finnish people are like a special breed of nordic inhabitants. We usually make fun of their tough attitude, much like with the russians. It comes to no surprise that they are neighbours. 😆

The Formula 1 season is just around the corner and I'm thinking about racing games. I used to spend a lot of money on expensive racing rigs and a vast number of peripherals. It was my favourite genre without a doubt as I couldn't get that kind of experience in real life. I'm too old now to get a racing license and it's also not a career that is attainable without a lot of sacrifice. It's simply not my destiny and I'm fine with that. The only kind of games that I could ever concider to take up are racing simulators, as they are built very differently from conventional games. They are very bare bones experiences that often lack things such as career modes, progression systems and what not. Some even have a monthly fee in order to get access to the competing community. This is why real racing drivers use them to train and get better. I am afraid though that opening this door will lead me back into other forms of games as well, which ultimately is something that I do not want to happen. There is no reason to entertain this thought at the moment but I know it will be a decision I'll have to make down the road since my interest in racing is bigger than ever.