Wildermyth

I think I'm gonna take a short break from this forum. Constantly talking about games, watching videos about gaming addiction and trying to uphold a positive and strong mindset takes a lot of energy and focus. I need to collect myself a bit, perhaps meditate and above all spend more time with friends and family to talk with them about my current issues. I feel like I'm shedding some new skin at the moment and I need to bring my focus inwards to really savour it. Basically I need less distractions and some time away from watching social media feeds and checking forums. I'm not gonna put some specific date for when I decide to return because I don't know how long this process will take. Maybe a week, maybe a month... only time will tell I guess. In the meantime, stay strong all and I'll see you soon I hope! 💛

Expectations is something that has effected me a lot when it comes to aquiring a driver’s license. It’s one of those things you expect to have at a certain age, and more so if you’re a man. And oh’boy do people like to tell you how they feel about you not having a license yet. You almost automatically say ”no” just to defy them. 😅 I’ve waited my whole life for the right moment and to grow a certain confidence, and now I seem to be at that particular crossroad. It took a long time, but at the same time I never let it hold me back not to have a driver’s license. That’s perhaps the greatest strength I could’ve given myself because I’ve allowed myself to travel a lot despite the fact that it’s a bit more complicated to piece together without the freedom that a car provides.

Today I made the decision to sell my racing rig. I think it’s the right decision to make. Even though there are things I will immediately miss I know it will do me good in the long run. I’m not sure if I’ll forbid myself from ever having racing sims in my life but I know I’m not ready for it at this point in time. Right now I’m gonna continue focusing on building myself up, like I’ve done this past year. And I’m also gonna celebrate my decision tonight with a good movie and some of my favourite snacks! I also think I’m beginning to get ready for one of the biggest challenges of my life - to get a driver’s license. I’ve been so afraid to even pursue it due to my nervous personality, but finding stength and direction this past year has really made it feel more possible and less stressful. And I know for sure it will satisfy a part of the need I have for racing sims, so I think it’s a win in several regards. I’m really dreaming of owning my own car so I can travel wherever I want and hike, take photos, meet new people etc. It just feels like it could really fit my lifestyle and my need for freedom.

I'm gonna visit a new ski slope this weekend which feels exciting. It's still early into the season and the weather is not optimal but I've been looking forward to a change of environment. I really look forward to the day when I have a drivers license when I can just throw all of my stuff in the car and go wherever I want. I'm also gonna start looking for stuff to do on Iceland so we can start planning our trip in more detail. It's a pretty complicated trip in terms of finding places to stay, roads to drive on and various activities along the way. Even though the island is small it takes more than a week to go around it, and even more time If you stop at places of course. But I look forward to it! When this trip has been completed I'll have so much knowledge when it comes to planning more trips to other countries! Specific things I look forward to: 1. Photographing puffins 2. Seeing orcas or whales for the first time 3. Hiking over the highlands 4. Eating new and interesting food 5. Flying with a drone near volcanoes 6. Taking a bath in a hot spring 7. Seeing some beautiful waterfalls 8. Explore interesting ice caves

I've been addicted to porn since my early teens. So for more than 20 years, which is a loooot to take in and try to overcome. I've been clean now for almost half a year and my longest stretch previously has only been about a month or so. It has helped me a lot to ask myself why I watch porn, because I know it's not really for sexual needs. Just like video games it has been a strong coping mechanics; a switch I can use almost whenever I want to feel good about myself for an hour or so. And even though I've stopped watching porn it takes much more time to deal with all the pornographic images in your head that your mind wants to go to so often during a day. In order to deal with the addiction this process of imagination is also something you have to work on a lot (especially if you want to have a healthy way of masturbating). I just watched this video today that brought up this subject, and it felt inspiring:

It's been almost two weeks now without headphones and constant music in my ears. I'm not sure if it's the main cause but I feel less stressed out somehow when I arrive at work or at home. Maybe it's because my ears are given time to rest or because I can focus my thoughts on other things and then be done with them when it's time to do something else. During my studies a professor I once had said that we have lost the ability to just sit with our thoughts. Whenever we are on a bus, train or plane we want to escape into entertainment and we don't allow ourselves to truly sit there and just reflect. Sometimes you can do this while listening to other stuff of course, but maybe there's some wisdom there that is worth exploring for a while. I think I'll try to live without music for this month at least and then see what happens. If nothing else music could sometimes be triggering for listening to old gaming soundtracks. So I don't have to deal with that for a change.

I'm still debating what I should do with my racing rig and how I could find the right balance. I've talked a lot with family and friends and asked them for a truly honest opinion. Many of them have explained that they think I'm being a bit harsh on myself and that I've already managed so much. They recognize that I do well at my work, I go to the gym three times a week, I go skiing every weekend, I'm more outside than inside, I'm eating healthier than ever and I've fallen in love with photography which brings out a lot of my creative sides. I also have my trip to Iceland planned and I've started to meet lots of new people. On paper it all sounds so great and I should probably be more happy and thankful for everything that is. And no doubt has my absence from gaming led to many of these new discoveries. In the end it's my decision what I want to do with my life and that's the conflicting part I guess. Sometimes it's just so much easier when others decide for you and maybe that's what I'm looking for sometimes when I share these reflections. But all people could do is to enlighten me about how they percieve me and then share their life knowledge in the hope of guiding me somehow. In the end I am the one who must make the decisions and live with the consequences that follows. All I know is that I'm sick of bringing myself down for so much, never becoming fully satisfied and only focusing on putting up more and more boundries. It sometimes feels like just one long manic episode where I'm struggling for breath. Sigh...

Yes, unfortunately it can become an expensive hobby. But as you hinted at smartphones have become really proficient at producing quality pictures. And you can use mobile apps such as Lightroom to edit smartphone pictures as well. Some smartphones even have support for raw files, true tele-zoom and what not. But of course that gets expensive as well. If you ever decide to go for a proper camera then there's a huge second hand market that will be at your disposal. And I also recommend that you head into one specific area of photography to begin with as certain styles require more expensive equipment. Bird photography for instance can get very expensive quickly as you need lots of zoom and a low aperture to deal with rapid movements. But portrait and landscape is less expensive as the object is often still and you can use yourself as the zoom rather than the lens. There's lots of things like that which can have a big affect on your budget. And starting out you should really just go with the first best equipment you can get your hands on to find your own personal style, and then when you grow more comfortable with that style it might be time to start upgrading.

Do it! It's absolutely fantastic. Takes you away from home, brings out your creative side and makes you document everything fantastic about the world so that you get more enjoyment out of it and start to appreciate the little things. I've only been photographing for a year and I've learnt so much and discovered so many new things about myself. Here's some photos from the winter shoot I just did:

Hobby. I don’t want to associate it with work so it’s mainly during spare time. 🙂

Just finished editing a large batch of wonderful photos. Some of the best I've taken so far I think. Damn that feels great!

I’m at a spa today trying to cool off a bit and reflect over the recent relapse. I’ve been taking to my mother about my relapse and she’s been very supportive. At the same time she’s a bit stressed about me constantly trying to better myself. It’s only natural for a parent to be concerned about their child when they’re not fully satisfied with who they are. But she understands that the gaming can become really troublesome for me as she’s witnessed this hobby as a bystander for so long. She just doesn’t want me to bring myself down too much for not living up to these high standards, which is understandable. I’m really trying to work with my satisfaction with my attempt to do less, when there is an option to make a flawless attempt. With gaming I always wanted to hunt for achievements and uncover every single element about a game. It made me feel complete somehow, like I was totally done with the experience and could move on. And this principle has followed me in my real life as well where I can grow frustrated with attempts that don’t feel 100%. It can be things like writing a text in a certain way, not having any stains on my clothes, making sure every photo frame hangs perfect on the wall etc. But at the end of the day it really doesn’t kill me to just accept these thoughts and try to move past them. Because when I think about it there are loads of things around me that are not perfect, and for some reason I don’t think about them at all. Trying to recognize this behaviour as quickly as possible and then just pause, recollect myself and move on is the place that I want to be. And I don’t want to make it a new form of fixation where becoming less perfect is the true attempt for perfection. Gah, it’s all so paradoxal and confusing sometimes. But that’s the human brain I guess…

I lost my outdoors headphones a couple of days ago and so far they haven’t turned up. I initially wanted to buy a new pair as quickly as possible but then I decided to wait it out. Maybe they would show up, or maybe I would learn something from not constantly having music in my ears, blockning reality out. I usually want entertainment to follow me wherever I go as it makes walking long distances more enjoyable. But when I photograph I like to hear my surroundings as I feel more in tune with reality. Especially when I’m looking for animals to shoot. And I think this is true for every other activity as well because I can’t remember the last time I reacted to how loud my city actually is. Usually I just block out the sound but now it’s in my face constantly with no escape. It makes me reflect more as I can focus on my mind differently but at the same time it makes me a bit anxious. Of course sound has been a big part of my gaming life as I really enjoyed good soundtracks, great sound effects and what not. I always had some of the most expensive headsets and I never gamed without them. I could even wait for long periods of time with a certain game if it had to do with the option to play with headphones or without. But now I kind of want to challenge myself a bit to see what truly happens when I cannot escape into my headphones all the time. Maybe nothing will happen at all or maybe some new insight about myself will present itself. In a couple of weeks time I guess I’ll know for sure! PS. I’ve also ordered an expensive set of headphones to use with my studio at home. They are in a sense my replacement for the gaming headset that I sold, but they don’t have a mic as they are purely meant for studio production. Maybe they will be some kind of reward in the end when I’m at home working on my music. It makes the absence of headphones right now more managable at least!

Insightful post. I too struggle sometimes with my ability to resist the influence of my surrounding world. I can get easily confused or mixed up in conflicting emotions. What is it that I really want? Is this when I should say "no"? Am I pleasing this person because I truly have nothing to say or am I just afraid to say it? And it's hard to follow through on something when the entire worlds seems to move in a certain way. And at a fast pace at that. I recently got into a small conflict with some of my collegues because I felt that they were talking down to me in regards to my accelerating interest in skiing. They thought I should rent a pair or skis for longer and not buy my own pair, and they also said that "it takes yeeears to learn some of this stuff, just you see". Like I was some kind of child who did not understand the true mechanics of the world. I'm completely allergic to that kind of response since it only downplays the persons newfound enjoyment in something. Every single person moves at their own pace and has their own way of realizing their desires. Why even try to make sour comment about that when the person is clearly having the time of their life? Let them enjoy themselves and leave it at that. Stop being so petty and insensitive. In my country we have something called "Jantelagen" which is some sort of unwritten rule that no one should stick out, brag or be too excited about their own achievements. It's extremely stupid and gets laughed about as something fictional most of the time but it's very much a real thing. It's probably one of the reasons why the swedish people are so reserved, accomodating and painfully anti-social most of the time. Everyone wants to be their own individual, but just barely enough to not be cast out from the group.

Thanks for the warning, it sounds exactly like the kind of harmful environment that I want to avoid right now. I already had problems with those kind of chat rooms when I gamed and it was one of the reasons why I felt that it had lost its meaning. I really do not understand why a group of guys online so often leads to just trash talk, memes and misogynistic stuff. It's embarrassing to say the least.