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NEW VIDEO: I Replaced Gaming With Real Life (Nicco Transformation)

Time to move on


Max

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So a big chunk of my life has ended with my 90 day gaming detox. I managed to quit and lose any desire to play. But it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied with it. I am empty. I suffer from loneliness and lack of discipline, I have no purpose either. My goals are vague and I don't do much to accomplish them. Quitting games was just the first step, now I need to fill my life with something healthy and meaningful.

During these 3 months I've done pretty good. I've made quite a few programming projects, including web application and a 2D video game (I don't count my own game made from scratch as gaming, I've never actually played it after development). I also read quite a bit and a started going outside every day. My most recent activity is learning math. So I'd say I'm doing pretty okay. But it's definitely not enough, I want more.

I wanna make it clear about my relationship with gaming from now on: I will never play Overwatch ever again; when it comes to other games, I don't care. I might play if I want to, let's say in a company somewhere, but right now I have no desire to even try. But I won't treat playing other games as a relapse.

What am I gonna do next? I want to do another detox! As it says in the title, I have to move on. My next biggest addiction is YouTube. I don't use any other social media, but YouTube is a real waste of time. I think I've been watching it almost daily since 2011 or 2012. To be honest I've learnt quite a lot from it, it's a good resource for guides and teaching, but I want to at least have a break from it, so I will delete it from all my devices. But I'll have one exception: if I encounter a problem and a relevant solution from google search is on YouTube, I'll watch. As a tech nerd I google a lot, so I need YouTube guides to make my life a bit easier.

That's all for now. I feel like I want to return to dumb Nokia phone in the future to do a full dopamine detox, but I think it's too much to do everything at once. I have to take it slow.

I also have to develop a studying routine, fitness routine and something for socializing, but I think it's too much for a single post and for a single day. I'm on a holiday for a week, I will try to study a bit, read a bit and maybe do something for fitness. I want to try things so I would be able to set adequate goals and make a schedule.

In my last journal I said that I don't need this forum anymore and that I'm leaving. So why am I writing this here? Well I still have a lot of things to work on and I like the idea of a personal development journal to make my goals more concrete, also I like writing in English I guess.

I don't think that I will write here daily, but I'm open to experiment. We'll see how it goes.

When I just started my first journal here in 2020 I've been seeking for attention, treated this forum as a social media. I wanted likes and replies. Right now that's absolutely irrelevant, I'm doing my own thing mainly for myself, if it'll help someone who's just starting it's a plus, but ain't my motivation. When I was writing daily in my last journal this year, I noticed that no one has replied to me in a month, and I was pleasantly surprised because it was so unrelated to my goals, that I noticed it only after about 20 days of writing. I think it shows my maturity, that what I'm doing has a real value, not just a cheap show off. Other than that I'm still an idiot lol.

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Just as I thought I am severely addicted to youtube and the internet in general. I caught a cold a few days ago, so I’m not going outside. All I do is math and reading. And it fucking sucks. I am absolutely dead inside. I never really cared about social aspect of my life, but now it’s killing me. I’m so sick of being alone. People usually socialize in school and university, but I had a home school and failed university entrance exams. My whole social life was in online gaming, other time was spent on youtube. When I quit gaming for the first time in 2020 it made me severely depressed, in 2.5 years I managed to recover, but after quitting youtube the last pillar of my sanity has fallen. I always knew that my nonexistent social life is concerning, but gaming and internet were distracting me from those thoughts. But now I’m one on one with the reality. Without gaming and youtube, who am I? Almost 20 yo virgin with no friends or girlfriend. I don’t know what to do, and even if I did, I’m too scared to do anything. 

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Today was my first meeting with anonymous computer video gaming addicts. They were very nice and welcoming. I am very glad that I found like minded addicts in my area. I thought that my case was tough and oh boy I was wrong. Some people there have played much more, they were more depressed and suicidal than me. I’ve seen some sad stories here, but they’re on whole another level. I think I finally found a place where I belong. Soon enough I’ll start working on 12 steps. Really looking forward to it.

 

On another note, I want to get rid of porn. Maybe it’s a bad timing, because I quit youtube just a few days ago and it may be too overwhelming, but I’m just so sick of it. When I picture myself I have nothing but disgust. I want to pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient. It’s time to stop being a dirty pervert. I’ve been making mistakes my whole life, it’s time to do something right.

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Day 99 without games. I’m 20 now, happy birthday to me!

Even though I caught a cold and not feeling well, I don’t even think about playing. I spend my time doing math and reading. Am I the person I imagined I’d be when turning 20? Hell no, I’m just a joke. But at least I don’t play, everything else will come with time.

I spoke with some people from anonymous computer video gaming addicts community, and I think their program is not for me. The whole idea behind 12 steps is accepting yourself as powerless addict and pray to Higher Power that is able to save you. I don’t share these beliefs. I am not powerless, I quit because I decided to. It was MINE decision and MINE determination. Years of mistakes and failures that gave me priceless experience. I will still attend their meetings because I like their goals, and I still respect their beliefs even though I don’t agree.

I feel like this will be my year. I feel self conscious. I am finally capable of changing things. Right now I’m worthless, but I can’t wait to see who I’m gonna become at 21.

Edited by Max
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Gz mate! 20 y/o and 100 days gaming free(or atleast overwatch) From my experience its no problem to play other games if you can manage the time u play them. I was addicted to Lol but it was the only game I could not quit, all other games are fine until today(I barely play and most of the time with friends). Since you wrote something like that yourself I guess we both are just not the classic gamer types.

Since you quit youtube - is there anything left you actually doing online which you want to get rid off in the long run? In general I want to completely quit the internet at the end but I am waiting until I finally have a daily routine at the university again(so I am there for most of the day). Like you I have an ambivalent relationship with youtube/internet in general I learnt much there, I have an own yt channel where I earn money etc. so for studying/business purposes I will still use it obviously but I dont want to consume anything there. Life will be great without that bs IMO. What are your plans about that?

And what are your plans career-wise? do you want to go back to school, new job etc? just curious

And my last question, you said the people from the rl anonymous gamer addicts are different from the people here, Id love to hear more about that/ some of their stories
 

Many questions sorry feel free to answer whenever and whatever you want

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Hey mate!

6 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

100 days gaming free(or atleast overwatch)

It is pure detox, I didn't play any games yet. I set a goal to not play any games for 90 days just to make sure that other games aren't a problem. After 90 days I allowed myself to play other games, I just don't want to. Ideally I want to reach the same state Pochatok has, where he can play games, but decides to do other things instead. I think I'm closer to that state as never before. Also I'm kinda concerned that other games can bring memories of playing Overwatch and I will relapse thinking like "If I already play, why don't I play the game I really want". So I think that I will do at least 6 months or 1 year detox before actually considering playing something in my free time. But as I said, that's not the rule, I can play anytime if it isn't Overwatch, I'm not holding myself. I just don't feel like it's time to play yet.

 

6 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Since you quit youtube - is there anything left you actually doing online which you want to get rid off in the long run? In general I want to completely quit the internet at the end but I am waiting until I finally have a daily routine at the university again(so I am there for most of the day). Like you I have an ambivalent relationship with youtube/internet in general I learnt much there, I have an own yt channel where I earn money etc. so for studying/business purposes I will still use it obviously but I dont want to consume anything there. Life will be great without that bs IMO. What are your plans about that?

Well, I think YouTube was 70-80% of my internet usage. I don't do much else, I deleted Instagram in 2015 just because I didn't use it anyway. After a couple of years I got rid of other social media and never looked back. I don't read the news either. So I would say that my Internet usage now is 70% study related, 20% chatting with friends and 10% gamequitters. There's not much to get rid of. I can't completely quit the internet because studying and working in IT means using google half of your time for manuals/solutions/guides. But it'd like to try full internet detox let's say for a week in summer.

Regarding YouTube, I think it's a very useful resource if you use it right. There are a lot of very smart people making awesome tutorials. I usually watched programming, math, physics, DYI, computer science. YouTube is not bad itself, it is bad if you use it such way. Right now I watch too much, every time I was eating I was watching a video, and it was hard to stop and concentrate on studying after that. I was also watching in bed while trying to fall asleep. And I was just spending too much time watching it. This is not healthy, so I quit for a while, but when I will have a desirable routine I will come back again and be more careful that time.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

And what are your plans career-wise? do you want to go back to school, new job etc? just curious

I picked a few online courses and a few books, I will study on my own and then apply to software programming job. Right now I'm interested in AI, but my long term goals is embedded and digital design (making processors). I worked for almost 3 months this summer as an engineer (kinda), so I know my strong and weak sides now. I don't think that going into uni is necessary for me. Of course, having a degree is an advantage, but that's definitely not the most important aspect for getting in job in IT. Of course if you study medicine and want to be a doctor, you can't just apply to a clinic saying something like "I read how to be a doctor on the Internet lol". But in IT you actually can xD 

But if I fail I can always write some exams and go to school again, I'm just 20, nothing's really holding me, I'm open for adventures.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

And my last question, you said the people from the rl anonymous gamer addicts are different from the people here, Id love to hear more about that/ some of their stories

Yeah, anonymous addicts community is really different. The most important aspect is their mentality. On GQ, people have different beliefs, we don't share any ideology and we are not really dependent on each other. GAA (Gaming Addicts Anonymous, their new name) follow 12 Steps and Traditions (they were originally created by Anonymous Alcoholics, but are common in most anonymous groups). The main idea is that they see themselves as powerless addicts who can't be recovered and become normal people. They find their purpose and savior in infinite healing process, but they will never fully heal. They work on making 12 steps into recovery, first is accepting yourself as powerless, that you are an addict and you will always be an addict, this is an illness and it can't be cured "We admitted that we were powerless over gaming addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable". The second step is accepting that only the higher power is capable of ending their suffering "We came to believe that power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". On 12 step they reach spiritual awakening "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to gaming addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs". And they do these 12 steps infinitely their whole life.

The other important thing is that they are much stronger as a community, they are highly dependent on each other. When you come to them, you find a so called sponsor (an addict who quit some time ago, usually a year or more) who will guide you in those 12 steps. They have online meetings a few times a week, each lasts an hour, it starts by everyone saying that they are here because they are gaming addicts, then everyone has 5 minutes to speak about their experience. Once a week my local group has an offline meeting in a church in the center of Moscow, I think I will go soon. So, even though they seem weird, I can't call them dumb. I had a few conversations with them, and found some very smart people. One guy is 17 and he says very wise things. So I don't agree with their vision, but I respect them for sure.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Many questions sorry feel free to answer whenever and whatever you want

Ah, it's been a pleasure, I like to talk lol. I am sorry that you had to read so much haha.

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Day 104. 
 

Hey everyone, I’m over 100 days without gaming. Still staying strong with no porn or youtube. I think that my dopamine levels start to lower, I experience less gaming cravings as well. I feel tempted to study and read books. Now I’m ill for about ten days already, staying at home alone all this time, which makes my abstinence much more difficult. But I managed to stay clean. My cold is almost gone too, I think I will fully recover in 2 days. 
 

Mentally I’m much better than ever before, brain fog is gone and I can finally think clearly. Yesterday I had a conversation where I reevaluated my vision about my past. For the past 4 or 5 years I’ve been thinking that quitting school and studying on my own has ruined my life and I lived with constant regret of my decision. I don’t deny that it had a negative impact on certain areas of my life, like lack of social contact. But I can see now that there were some good sides too, like my ability to learn complicated concepts on my own. These 5 years of self study gave me a good opportunity to think on my own and experience some aspects of life that other kids my age didn’t. It was a unique experience that made me who I am now. If I could turn back time of course I would do things differently, but I don’t have this constant regret mindset anymore. I think I’m finally ready to really move forward in life, meet new people, learn new things, create something. I no longer see myself as just a failure, I accepted my mistakes and ready to move forward.

 

P.S. Anonymous computer video gaming addicts groups really help!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 116 (why do I keep counting days?..)

Well I don't know, I always used my journal mainly to describe my struggles with quitting, but now I don't have any. I don't wanna play anything, completely uninterested. I was with some acquaintances of mine while they there playing PS4 and I was so bored I rarely even looked at the screen. Not a single thought of playing. I'm not putting any efforts in not playing games anymore. So I have to improve other aspects of my life. I will be back home tomorrow (I was in other city for 4 days) and I will try to do something I've never done before: write an actual detailed plan of my studying for a long period of time (at least 6 months). Then the sake of this journal will be tracking my progress.

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20 hours ago, Max said:

Day 116 (why do I keep counting days?..)

Well I don't know, I always used my journal mainly to describe my struggles with quitting, but now I don't have any. I don't wanna play anything, completely uninterested. I was with some acquaintances of mine while they there playing PS4 and I was so bored I rarely even looked at the screen. Not a single thought of playing. I'm not putting any efforts in not playing games anymore. So I have to improve other aspects of my life. I will be back home tomorrow (I was in other city for 4 days) and I will try to do something I've never done before: write an actual detailed plan of my studying for a long period of time (at least 6 months). Then the sake of this journal will be tracking my progress.

Yeah, it surprises me too how trivial gaming seems after a while. Like, you can really see how pointless much of it is and how shallow most of the experiences are. A film that’s barely two hours can have more impact on you than a 60 hour JRPG. And so can a 3 minute song for that matter and neither makes you obsess over them to the point where you can’t think straight anymore.

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As someone who also doesn't completely agree with the whole 12 step thing but still attends meetings... Yeah what I do is just reinterpret everything (even if it's a stretch lol) into something that makes sense to me.

Like powerlessness? For me I interpret that as "I can't change the fact (I'm powerless over) that I'm already an addict, therefore I am unlikely to be able to return to the things I was addicted to without ruining my life." Basically, there are things in life I can't control, and myself around gaming (and drugs and alcohol etc...) Is one of them! But I do have the power to change. I believe in a "higher power" of sorts but not a sky daddy kind, and I feel like the most it can do is point me in the right direction. I have to do the work myself.

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19 hours ago, Wildermyth said:

Yeah, it surprises me too how trivial gaming seems after a while. Like, you can really see how pointless much of it is and how shallow most of the experiences are. A film that’s barely two hours can have more impact on you than a 60 hour JRPG. And so can a 3 minute song for that matter and neither makes you obsess over them to the point where you can’t think straight anymore.

To be honest I've never had problems with playing games other than Overwatch. It took me over a year to finish The Witcher 3 (about 100 hours playtime) because I got bored after an few hours and I had no desire to play it daily. So yeah, playing an RPG is the same as watching a film for me: feels kinda cool, but not addictive. But when it comes to Overwatch. So everyone is different I guess. But I'm still a little bit scared to play other games because I might slip back into playing Overwatch.

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18 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

As someone who also doesn't completely agree with the whole 12 step thing but still attends meetings... Yeah what I do is just reinterpret everything (even if it's a stretch lol) into something that makes sense to me.

Like powerlessness? For me I interpret that as "I can't change the fact (I'm powerless over) that I'm already an addict, therefore I am unlikely to be able to return to the things I was addicted to without ruining my life." Basically, there are things in life I can't control, and myself around gaming (and drugs and alcohol etc...) Is one of them! But I do have the power to change. I believe in a "higher power" of sorts but not a sky daddy kind, and I feel like the most it can do is point me in the right direction. I have to do the work myself.

Yeah, I do something like that as well. I see Higher Power as chemicals in my brain, like dopamine, that got me hooked on instant gratification via gaming. I don't know about other groups, but mine Russian speaking group was very chill about it. They said that as long as it works for me they are happy. Just going to groups to speak out and hear others has been an amazing experience.

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9 hours ago, Max said:

I am sick of the internet. It gives me a feeling that I’m socializing with people, but all of this is just fake and in reality I’m nothing. I’m done.

We are all sick of it man, seriously! The game thing is just the first step, you are done with it, but it doesnt lead you to anything if you dont chase your desired goal. I had plenty of moments feeling completely disgusted of the internet, and the more time passed the more sure I am about the fact that I wasted a lot of years online and It might be better to try a few years completely without it(in terms of entertaining which is probably 90% of our time, even if we think we are ‘productive’).

Socializing in the internet does not work, thats a wasted time. In all the years I kept 0 contact with any of the people I met ingame or anywhere out there. Just one remained until today, but thats extraordinary I guess, especially since most of the people who socialize online are people with internet problems like us, but in contrary to us they dont want ever to change/quit. So its hard to find any reasonable people out there to chat with sometimes. So yea its wasted.

Do you have any kind of schedules you are following lately? Like any appointments on a daily basis? I think thats really important to start aocializing again, especially if you dont visit school/dont work. Its hard to meet people while everyone is having a standard life and you are not. It was the same for me until I changed some things and met new people.

What happend with your plan of working out a long-time studying plan? I thought that was a great idea tbh!

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On 2/6/2023 at 8:09 AM, Lobares2 said:

Do you have any kind of schedules you are following lately? Like any appointments on a daily basis? I think thats really important to start aocializing again, especially if you dont visit school/dont work. Its hard to meet people while everyone is having a standard life and you are not. It was the same for me until I changed some things and met new people.

What happend with your plan of working out a long-time studying plan? I thought that was a great idea tbh!

Thank you for your support. I haven't got a plan yet, because I've been working full time. My brother asked me to help him finish his project at work (he is the owner), so I'm working full time on software and tests. I think I'll finish it in a week and then I'll finally make a decent studying plan.

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On 1/30/2023 at 1:20 AM, Max said:

I'm not putting any efforts in not playing games anymore.

I was wrong. This week has been full of strong cravings.

My physical condition is just horrible, I'm treating gastritis for over 9 months and it's not getting better. In fact it got worse. Shit ton of medication, limitations, doctor appointments, money spent and I get fucking nothing in return. My legs and testicles ache all the time, I had a surgery and since then it's aching more and more FUCKING INCREDIBLE. Also I had a hemorrhoids removal surgery, and now I have to wipe my ass with fucking wet tissues until I die. Oh, and yet, it still hurts. After my laser eye surgery my eyes are always fucking dry. Last year was full of physical pain for me, but I endured all that. BUT IT'S JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE. I am fucking done, I can't do this anymore. Today is day 128 without games. Any positive changes since I quit??? NONE. I feel empty, lonely and depressed as never before. For all the hard work I put in all I get is just a spit in the face. I just took a 3 hour walk, walked 8 kilometers. All I felt was pain from my legs and loneliness. Why did I quit? To get a better taste of this shitty life? I wish I kept playing games, quitting is absolutely fucking useless. If your life is shit, quitting games won't do anything. What a fucking waste. I'm so tired pretending like gaming is an issue. I AM the issue. No matter what I do I just suck. Going to the gym was the only serious commitment in my life, that ended up with completely ruining my health after a year. And I was with a fucking trainer, we were very careful with weights. When my brother (same age) came to the gym for the first time, he benched the same fucking weight as me after a year of 3 day a week training. I'm fucking done with this shit. Gaming gave me an instant gratification, but real life gives me only punishment for doing what was supposed to be right. What a fucking joke. I hope that my body will completely rot soon enough

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Mate I think you need a purpose in your life again. I remember the posts when you were occupied with work back ago. They were full of positive energy ‘no time to post here or to think about games I am so busy’ and stuff. You might try to get a job or something on a regular base so you can earn money and have a schedule once again. This will motivate you and keep you away from negative thoughts. Its really, really tough to stay on track if you dont have alternativea to gaming. As you said - no gaming only leads to nothing. I am kinda suprised you act like you understood this for the first time although this is so frequent here in thw journals of others. Everyone is experiencing this after stopping to game. Its one part of the change, its necessary but not sufficient. The next step is to chase your goals which are - well tough to follow in your case, since you do it all on your own. A schedule would help but that might be not possible since you cant go back to school again ad I remember. So you might do something instead ubtil you can stud again to get into university. Because apparently this route doesnt work. 

 

Just to put it in perspective: I quitted games etc for like 2-3 years and I made 0 progress in university anyway. I started to making progress after that time. So your 120 days of not gaming without achieving something else is nothing special. so dont be so harsh on yourself. Like I said quitting was definitely necessary. 

Edited by Lobares2
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5 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Mate I think you need a purpose in your life again. I remember the posts when you were occupied with work back ago. They were full of positive energy ‘no time to post here or to think about games I am so busy’ and stuff. You might try to get a job or something on a regular base so you can earn money and have a schedule once again. This will motivate you and keep you away from negative thoughts. Its really, really tough to stay on track if you dont have alternativea to gaming. As you said - no gaming only leads to nothing. I am kinda suprised you act like you understood this for the first time although this is so frequent here in thw journals of others. Everyone is experiencing this after stopping to game. Its one part of the change, its necessary but not sufficient. The next step is to chase your goals which are - well tough to follow in your case, since you do it all on your own. A schedule would help but that might be not possible since you cant go back to school again ad I remember. So you might do something instead ubtil you can stud again to get into university. Because apparently this route doesnt work. 

 

Just to put it in perspective: I quitted games etc for like 2-3 years and I made 0 progress in university anyway. I started to making progress after that time. So your 120 days of not gaming without achieving something else is nothing special. so dont be so harsh on yourself. Like I said quitting was definitely necessary. 

I do work on that job currently. I’ve been given a tough project with very strict deadlines, so I basically work day and night. Yesterday I finished working at 5 AM. I have goals, a have a purpose. 
 

I think you’ve missed the point of my post, I am depressed and frustrated because my health gets worse and worse for over a year despite all my commitments. I am in constant physical pain, and I can’t do anything about it. I live in a fear that yet another part of my body will fail and make the situation even worse. So all of my anger and despair caused me to write my previous post.

So it has nothing to do with work, studying, university etc.

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On 1/31/2023 at 3:35 PM, Max said:

To be honest I've never had problems with playing games other than Overwatch. It took me over a year to finish The Witcher 3 (about 100 hours playtime) because I got bored after an few hours and I had no desire to play it daily. So yeah, playing an RPG is the same as watching a film for me: feels kinda cool, but not addictive. But when it comes to Overwatch. So everyone is different I guess. But I'm still a little bit scared to play other games because I might slip back into playing Overwatch.

It's sometimes hard to distinguish exactly what makes a certain game more addicting than another. I believe that the genre is just one of many, many factors that can determine our interest in something. Overwatch for example has very tight mechanics, lots of playstyle variation and a potent reward system that keeps your motivation going. It's also easy to just pick up and play so there's not a huge investment that is asked of you.

I was a huge fan of Overwatch and played it for about 1,000 hours but it helped when they launched the half-assed "sequel" and got so many things wrong. It made me lose interest in the franchise quite fast.

Edited by Wildermyth
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4 hours ago, Wildermyth said:

It's sometimes hard to distinguish exactly what makes a certain game more addicting than another. I believe that the genre is just one of many, many factors that can determine our interest in something. Overwatch for example has very tight mechanics, lots of playstyle variation and a potent reward system that keeps your motivation going. It's also easy to just pick up and play so there's not a huge investment that is asked of you.

I was a huge fan of Overwatch and played it for about 1,000 hours but it helped when they launched the half-assed "sequel" and got so many things wrong. It made me lose interest in the franchise quite fast.

I started playing Overwatch when I was 13. I was placed in gold, then dropped to silver for a year. I was very obsessed with climbing the ladder. By the time I turned 16 I’ve reached top 500 with 4200 peak sr. I’ve started playing scrims and tournaments with a team. The following years Overwatch was the only interest in my life. I saw studying, socializing and other activities as a chores and obstacles on my way of playing. My dopamine system was so fucked, that winning in Overwatch and climbing the rank was the only thing that gave me pleasure. I could neglect sleep, hunger, exhaustion just to continue playing. I just couldn’t stop. I would say “one more game” for hours. In real live I was (am) an absolute failure, so in order to numb my insecurities I would take someone else’s low rank account (silver, gold) and get it to GM in a few days. I liked dominating, playing with low skill players who can’t compete with me. Getting praised for being good. Overwatch brought the worst out of me. I knew that what I was doing is wrong, but it felt so good that I just couldn’t stop.

 

You are absolutely right about the sequel, I’ve uninstalled the game on the second day of the release and I’m sober since then. I get cravings every day and they are strong, but the game is so fucked up at this point that it even keeps an addict like me to pass by. I have 0 interest in other games, my only obsession is Overwatch, but it’s so bad that I would rather suffer in real life. 

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Hello, my name is Max, today is day 137 without video games. I am certain to say that this is the hardest time in my life so far. I have 3 appointments at the hospital tomorrow, I am in physical pain, I am lonely and depressed, I am disappointed in life, I crave to play on a daily basis. I am studying math and it is unrewarding. I feel like an absolute failure and disappointment for everyone who knows me. I feel like most people my age are way further in life. I think that my body is unattractive and it seems like I can’t do anything about it (eating 3k calories and drinking gainer for a year got me like 2 kg, so my weight was 58-59), I can’t grow muscles because I can’t exercise due to my physical condition (and even when I was I didn’t really grow anything). I have difficulties talking with people, especially with girls because I have 0 confidence. 

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3 minutes ago, Max said:

Hello, my name is Max, today is day 137 without video games. I am certain to say that this is the hardest time in my life so far. I have 3 appointments at the hospital tomorrow, I am in physical pain, I am lonely and depressed, I am disappointed in life, I crave to play on a daily basis. I am studying math and it is unrewarding. I feel like an absolute failure and disappointment for everyone who knows me. I feel like most people my age are way further in life. I think that my body is unattractive and it seems like I can’t do anything about it (eating 3k calories and drinking gainer for a year got me like 2 kg, so my weight was 58-59), I can’t grow muscles because I can’t exercise due to my physical condition (and even when I was I didn’t really grow anything). I have difficulties talking with people, especially with girls because I have 0 confidence. 

Stay strong Max!
137 days is a HUGE accomplishment and you haven't reached it just by luck. You're strong and you can get over this.

During the hard times just focus on the present and try to encourage yourself. You can do this.

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6 minutes ago, Markus said:

Stay strong Max!
137 days is a HUGE accomplishment and you haven't reached it just by luck. You're strong and you can get over this.

During the hard times just focus on the present and try to encourage yourself. You can do this.

Thank you, I’m trying my best.

I know that it’s not just luck, it took me at least 2 years of attempts and failures to get to 137. My previous record was just 45.

I know that I should take it one day at a time, but damn it is hard. I used to game to numb the pain, and now I have the same instinct. I was already considering relapsing yesterday. Honestly it’s so hard to keep your head clear during all this shit, I know that this is right and that this is what I should do, but in the moment I just want to give up and get lost in brain fog.

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11 hours ago, Max said:

I started playing Overwatch when I was 13. I was placed in gold, then dropped to silver for a year. I was very obsessed with climbing the ladder. By the time I turned 16 I’ve reached top 500 with 4200 peak sr. I’ve started playing scrims and tournaments with a team. The following years Overwatch was the only interest in my life. I saw studying, socializing and other activities as a chores and obstacles on my way of playing. My dopamine system was so fucked, that winning in Overwatch and climbing the rank was the only thing that gave me pleasure. I could neglect sleep, hunger, exhaustion just to continue playing. I just couldn’t stop. I would say “one more game” for hours. In real live I was (am) an absolute failure, so in order to numb my insecurities I would take someone else’s low rank account (silver, gold) and get it to GM in a few days. I liked dominating, playing with low skill players who can’t compete with me. Getting praised for being good. Overwatch brought the worst out of me. I knew that what I was doing is wrong, but it felt so good that I just couldn’t stop.

 

You are absolutely right about the sequel, I’ve uninstalled the game on the second day of the release and I’m sober since then. I get cravings every day and they are strong, but the game is so fucked up at this point that it even keeps an addict like me to pass by. I have 0 interest in other games, my only obsession is Overwatch, but it’s so bad that I would rather suffer in real life. 

Fortunately I sucked at the game so I knew my chances of getting anything higher than diamond was way out of the picture. Still, I remember how agitated I got when I dropped in rank and how eager I was to get back up again; it always resulted in me playing an excessive amount of matches into the late hours with zero enjoyment. 

Have you ever tried real sports? I know martial arts has ranking systems with belts and what not and it seems like it brings people together in a good way. You'll get a new perspective on personal development and there's so many more components that are healthy compared to competitive gaming.

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