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NEW VIDEO: A Wasted Time (The Truth About Gaming)

Time to move on


Max
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So a big chunk of my life has ended with my 90 day gaming detox. I managed to quit and lose any desire to play. But it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied with it. I am empty. I suffer from loneliness and lack of discipline, I have no purpose either. My goals are vague and I don't do much to accomplish them. Quitting games was just the first step, now I need to fill my life with something healthy and meaningful.

During these 3 months I've done pretty good. I've made quite a few programming projects, including web application and a 2D video game (I don't count my own game made from scratch as gaming, I've never actually played it after development). I also read quite a bit and a started going outside every day. My most recent activity is learning math. So I'd say I'm doing pretty okay. But it's definitely not enough, I want more.

I wanna make it clear about my relationship with gaming from now on: I will never play Overwatch ever again; when it comes to other games, I don't care. I might play if I want to, let's say in a company somewhere, but right now I have no desire to even try. But I won't treat playing other games as a relapse.

What am I gonna do next? I want to do another detox! As it says in the title, I have to move on. My next biggest addiction is YouTube. I don't use any other social media, but YouTube is a real waste of time. I think I've been watching it almost daily since 2011 or 2012. To be honest I've learnt quite a lot from it, it's a good resource for guides and teaching, but I want to at least have a break from it, so I will delete it from all my devices. But I'll have one exception: if I encounter a problem and a relevant solution from google search is on YouTube, I'll watch. As a tech nerd I google a lot, so I need YouTube guides to make my life a bit easier.

That's all for now. I feel like I want to return to dumb Nokia phone in the future to do a full dopamine detox, but I think it's too much to do everything at once. I have to take it slow.

I also have to develop a studying routine, fitness routine and something for socializing, but I think it's too much for a single post and for a single day. I'm on a holiday for a week, I will try to study a bit, read a bit and maybe do something for fitness. I want to try things so I would be able to set adequate goals and make a schedule.

In my last journal I said that I don't need this forum anymore and that I'm leaving. So why am I writing this here? Well I still have a lot of things to work on and I like the idea of a personal development journal to make my goals more concrete, also I like writing in English I guess.

I don't think that I will write here daily, but I'm open to experiment. We'll see how it goes.

When I just started my first journal here in 2020 I've been seeking for attention, treated this forum as a social media. I wanted likes and replies. Right now that's absolutely irrelevant, I'm doing my own thing mainly for myself, if it'll help someone who's just starting it's a plus, but ain't my motivation. When I was writing daily in my last journal this year, I noticed that no one has replied to me in a month, and I was pleasantly surprised because it was so unrelated to my goals, that I noticed it only after about 20 days of writing. I think it shows my maturity, that what I'm doing has a real value, not just a cheap show off. Other than that I'm still an idiot lol.

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Congrats on 90 days! It’s been a pleasure to watch you grow and mature as you progressed along your detox journey. Best of luck in your future endeavors!

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Just as I thought I am severely addicted to youtube and the internet in general. I caught a cold a few days ago, so I’m not going outside. All I do is math and reading. And it fucking sucks. I am absolutely dead inside. I never really cared about social aspect of my life, but now it’s killing me. I’m so sick of being alone. People usually socialize in school and university, but I had a home school and failed university entrance exams. My whole social life was in online gaming, other time was spent on youtube. When I quit gaming for the first time in 2020 it made me severely depressed, in 2.5 years I managed to recover, but after quitting youtube the last pillar of my sanity has fallen. I always knew that my nonexistent social life is concerning, but gaming and internet were distracting me from those thoughts. But now I’m one on one with the reality. Without gaming and youtube, who am I? Almost 20 yo virgin with no friends or girlfriend. I don’t know what to do, and even if I did, I’m too scared to do anything. 

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Today was my first meeting with anonymous computer video gaming addicts. They were very nice and welcoming. I am very glad that I found like minded addicts in my area. I thought that my case was tough and oh boy I was wrong. Some people there have played much more, they were more depressed and suicidal than me. I’ve seen some sad stories here, but they’re on whole another level. I think I finally found a place where I belong. Soon enough I’ll start working on 12 steps. Really looking forward to it.

 

On another note, I want to get rid of porn. Maybe it’s a bad timing, because I quit youtube just a few days ago and it may be too overwhelming, but I’m just so sick of it. When I picture myself I have nothing but disgust. I want to pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient. It’s time to stop being a dirty pervert. I’ve been making mistakes my whole life, it’s time to do something right.

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Day 99 without games. I’m 20 now, happy birthday to me!

Even though I caught a cold and not feeling well, I don’t even think about playing. I spend my time doing math and reading. Am I the person I imagined I’d be when turning 20? Hell no, I’m just a joke. But at least I don’t play, everything else will come with time.

I spoke with some people from anonymous computer video gaming addicts community, and I think their program is not for me. The whole idea behind 12 steps is accepting yourself as powerless addict and pray to Higher Power that is able to save you. I don’t share these beliefs. I am not powerless, I quit because I decided to. It was MINE decision and MINE determination. Years of mistakes and failures that gave me priceless experience. I will still attend their meetings because I like their goals, and I still respect their beliefs even though I don’t agree.

I feel like this will be my year. I feel self conscious. I am finally capable of changing things. Right now I’m worthless, but I can’t wait to see who I’m gonna become at 21.

Edited by Max
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Gz mate! 20 y/o and 100 days gaming free(or atleast overwatch) From my experience its no problem to play other games if you can manage the time u play them. I was addicted to Lol but it was the only game I could not quit, all other games are fine until today(I barely play and most of the time with friends). Since you wrote something like that yourself I guess we both are just not the classic gamer types.

Since you quit youtube - is there anything left you actually doing online which you want to get rid off in the long run? In general I want to completely quit the internet at the end but I am waiting until I finally have a daily routine at the university again(so I am there for most of the day). Like you I have an ambivalent relationship with youtube/internet in general I learnt much there, I have an own yt channel where I earn money etc. so for studying/business purposes I will still use it obviously but I dont want to consume anything there. Life will be great without that bs IMO. What are your plans about that?

And what are your plans career-wise? do you want to go back to school, new job etc? just curious

And my last question, you said the people from the rl anonymous gamer addicts are different from the people here, Id love to hear more about that/ some of their stories
 

Many questions sorry feel free to answer whenever and whatever you want

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Hey mate!

6 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

100 days gaming free(or atleast overwatch)

It is pure detox, I didn't play any games yet. I set a goal to not play any games for 90 days just to make sure that other games aren't a problem. After 90 days I allowed myself to play other games, I just don't want to. Ideally I want to reach the same state Pochatok has, where he can play games, but decides to do other things instead. I think I'm closer to that state as never before. Also I'm kinda concerned that other games can bring memories of playing Overwatch and I will relapse thinking like "If I already play, why don't I play the game I really want". So I think that I will do at least 6 months or 1 year detox before actually considering playing something in my free time. But as I said, that's not the rule, I can play anytime if it isn't Overwatch, I'm not holding myself. I just don't feel like it's time to play yet.

 

6 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Since you quit youtube - is there anything left you actually doing online which you want to get rid off in the long run? In general I want to completely quit the internet at the end but I am waiting until I finally have a daily routine at the university again(so I am there for most of the day). Like you I have an ambivalent relationship with youtube/internet in general I learnt much there, I have an own yt channel where I earn money etc. so for studying/business purposes I will still use it obviously but I dont want to consume anything there. Life will be great without that bs IMO. What are your plans about that?

Well, I think YouTube was 70-80% of my internet usage. I don't do much else, I deleted Instagram in 2015 just because I didn't use it anyway. After a couple of years I got rid of other social media and never looked back. I don't read the news either. So I would say that my Internet usage now is 70% study related, 20% chatting with friends and 10% gamequitters. There's not much to get rid of. I can't completely quit the internet because studying and working in IT means using google half of your time for manuals/solutions/guides. But it'd like to try full internet detox let's say for a week in summer.

Regarding YouTube, I think it's a very useful resource if you use it right. There are a lot of very smart people making awesome tutorials. I usually watched programming, math, physics, DYI, computer science. YouTube is not bad itself, it is bad if you use it such way. Right now I watch too much, every time I was eating I was watching a video, and it was hard to stop and concentrate on studying after that. I was also watching in bed while trying to fall asleep. And I was just spending too much time watching it. This is not healthy, so I quit for a while, but when I will have a desirable routine I will come back again and be more careful that time.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

And what are your plans career-wise? do you want to go back to school, new job etc? just curious

I picked a few online courses and a few books, I will study on my own and then apply to software programming job. Right now I'm interested in AI, but my long term goals is embedded and digital design (making processors). I worked for almost 3 months this summer as an engineer (kinda), so I know my strong and weak sides now. I don't think that going into uni is necessary for me. Of course, having a degree is an advantage, but that's definitely not the most important aspect for getting in job in IT. Of course if you study medicine and want to be a doctor, you can't just apply to a clinic saying something like "I read how to be a doctor on the Internet lol". But in IT you actually can xD 

But if I fail I can always write some exams and go to school again, I'm just 20, nothing's really holding me, I'm open for adventures.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

And my last question, you said the people from the rl anonymous gamer addicts are different from the people here, Id love to hear more about that/ some of their stories

Yeah, anonymous addicts community is really different. The most important aspect is their mentality. On GQ, people have different beliefs, we don't share any ideology and we are not really dependent on each other. GAA (Gaming Addicts Anonymous, their new name) follow 12 Steps and Traditions (they were originally created by Anonymous Alcoholics, but are common in most anonymous groups). The main idea is that they see themselves as powerless addicts who can't be recovered and become normal people. They find their purpose and savior in infinite healing process, but they will never fully heal. They work on making 12 steps into recovery, first is accepting yourself as powerless, that you are an addict and you will always be an addict, this is an illness and it can't be cured "We admitted that we were powerless over gaming addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable". The second step is accepting that only the higher power is capable of ending their suffering "We came to believe that power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". On 12 step they reach spiritual awakening "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to gaming addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs". And they do these 12 steps infinitely their whole life.

The other important thing is that they are much stronger as a community, they are highly dependent on each other. When you come to them, you find a so called sponsor (an addict who quit some time ago, usually a year or more) who will guide you in those 12 steps. They have online meetings a few times a week, each lasts an hour, it starts by everyone saying that they are here because they are gaming addicts, then everyone has 5 minutes to speak about their experience. Once a week my local group has an offline meeting in a church in the center of Moscow, I think I will go soon. So, even though they seem weird, I can't call them dumb. I had a few conversations with them, and found some very smart people. One guy is 17 and he says very wise things. So I don't agree with their vision, but I respect them for sure.

7 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Many questions sorry feel free to answer whenever and whatever you want

Ah, it's been a pleasure, I like to talk lol. I am sorry that you had to read so much haha.

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Day 104. 
 

Hey everyone, I’m over 100 days without gaming. Still staying strong with no porn or youtube. I think that my dopamine levels start to lower, I experience less gaming cravings as well. I feel tempted to study and read books. Now I’m ill for about ten days already, staying at home alone all this time, which makes my abstinence much more difficult. But I managed to stay clean. My cold is almost gone too, I think I will fully recover in 2 days. 
 

Mentally I’m much better than ever before, brain fog is gone and I can finally think clearly. Yesterday I had a conversation where I reevaluated my vision about my past. For the past 4 or 5 years I’ve been thinking that quitting school and studying on my own has ruined my life and I lived with constant regret of my decision. I don’t deny that it had a negative impact on certain areas of my life, like lack of social contact. But I can see now that there were some good sides too, like my ability to learn complicated concepts on my own. These 5 years of self study gave me a good opportunity to think on my own and experience some aspects of life that other kids my age didn’t. It was a unique experience that made me who I am now. If I could turn back time of course I would do things differently, but I don’t have this constant regret mindset anymore. I think I’m finally ready to really move forward in life, meet new people, learn new things, create something. I no longer see myself as just a failure, I accepted my mistakes and ready to move forward.

 

P.S. Anonymous computer video gaming addicts groups really help!

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